How to Come Out As Nonbinary

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If you're nonbinary, you might be ready to share that information with some people in your life. The coming out process is different for everyone, so take some time to think about what you want to share. If you're feeling scared or nervous, remember that you can choose who you tell, how you tell them, and when you share your identity with them. The most important thing is your comfort, so above all make sure you do what feels right to you.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Choosing a Process That Feels Comfortable to You

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  1. It’s totally normal to feel nervous before coming out. You can help calm your nerves and feel prepared by making a general outline of what you want to say, which you can then bring with you during the conversation. Then, if you're not sure what to say, refer back to your notes to keep the discussion focused on you and your identity. [1]
    • A lot of people aren’t familiar with what it means to be nonbinary. Try to think of some questions that they might ask. Jot down some answers so that you are ready to provide information.
    • For example, you might want to write down what being nonbinary means to you. That might mean identifying as gender fluid or gender neutral, for instance. Remember, this is different for everyone.
    • You might also write down whether or not you think coming out as nonbinary might impact your life. That's something that others might want to know. They might also ask if this will impact your relationship with them.
  2. Younger people are more likely to be open-minded about sexuality and gender identity and tend to be more progressive than older generations. If you're nervous about how some people might react, it might be easier to have that first conversation with someone that you feel really comfortable with. Ask a younger person that you trust if they have time to talk about something important to you.
    • It can also be helpful to talk to someone who has experience coming out as LGBTQ+. They might have some good advice for you.
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  3. Who you come out to is your choice, so take some time to think about how you want to approach the situation. Do you want everyone to know? Are you more comfortable with the idea of having one-on-one conversations? If you're not sure, think about people in your life who are supportive, understanding, and open-minded, and try starting there. [2]
  4. Choose a spot where you will feel comfortable having an important conversation. This might be your living room or a friend’s house. Try to choose somewhere where you won’t be interrupted, at a time where you think the other person will be able to devote their full attention to your conversation. [3]
    • If you’re worried about a negative reaction, you might feel more comfortable in a public place. Think about going to a quiet coffee shop to have your talk.
    • Ask the other person to pick a time that’s good for them. You want to make sure they have time to talk and that they are able to give you their full attention. This might be a quick conversation, or you might end up talking for a while. Either way is fine.
  5. If you are concerned that someone will have a violent reaction to your news, it might not be a good time to come out. It's definitely okay to wait. For instance, if you depend on your parents for money or somewhere to live, think about whether you are risking your safety by coming out. [4]
    • Think about waiting until you can support yourself before coming out if you think your parents might react negatively.
    • If you choose to come out under these circumstances have a back-up plan in place. For example, ask a friend if you can stay with them for a while if necessary. You could also save up some money if that would make you feel more secure.
    • You might also think about writing a letter if you are concerned about a negative reaction. That will give others time to process your news. [5]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Having a Constructive Conversation

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  1. Don’t beat around the bush or try to have your audience guess what you’re trying to say. Just state what you want to tell them right away. [6]
    • You might say, “Hey, Jane, I wanted to let you know that I am nonbinary. That means that I simply don’t identify as male or female.”
    • Maybe you also want to say something like, "I'm trusting you with this information, but it'd be great if you don't talk about it with others. This is my story to share, okay?"
    • You can choose to share more about your experience or feelings, or just leave it at that. What you share is completely up to you.
  2. Some people might not understand what nonbinary means. That’s okay. Just try to be patient with them. If they ask questions, it’s probably because they’re trying to understand what you’re telling them. Try to be patient and answer when you feel comfortable. [7]
    • For example, people might ask you how you know, or what nonbinary means. You can tell them what it means to you. It's okay to keep your answer brief or to explain in detail, depending on how comfortable you feel at that moment. Keep in mind that you'll likely have other chances to talk to them about this, too.
    • If they ask questions that make you feel uncomfortable, it's okay to put up boundaries and let them know that you're uncomfortable answering them.
    • They may also ask what pronouns you'd prefer to be referred by. Be honest, and let them know how you would like them to refer to you.
    EXPERT TIP

    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist

    Some people may not fully understand what nonbinary means. Some people mistakenly believe that a nonbinary gender identity is not a true gender identity in itself, that it is merely a step on the road to a new binary gender, or that nonbinary identities are exceedingly rare. In fact, nonbinary identities appear to be the fastest-growing identity under the broader trans umbrella. At times, a person may shift from a binary to a nonbinary identity or vice versa, but this is more a reflection of gender's ability to be fluid and less about what it means to be nonbinary.

  3. Before you start the conversation, gather some resources on what it means to be nonbinary. There are lots out there! That way, you don’t have to answer questions that you don’t want to. You can simply direct the other person towards these resources. [8]
    • Point them towards specific websites that have been helpful to you. You could also give them pamphlets or handouts from an LGBTQ+ community center. Another idea is to give them a book about what it means to identify as non-binary.
    • Some really helpful resources are The Trevor Project and PFLAG. If you're in school, you could also ask your guidance counselors for suggestions, if you feel comfortable talking to them about your identity.
  4. It’s great if you are immediately met with support and kind words. However, if that doesn’t happen right away, don’t give up. Some people need time to process important information. Remember, it probably took some time for you to feel comfortable with your identity, too. [9]
    • You could say, “You seem a little overwhelmed. Do you want to talk about this again later?”
  5. If you are anxious about coming out to a family member, it might help you feel comfortable to have a friend with you. This can be especially valuable if you're worried about a negative or potentially unsafe reaction.
    • If you've already come out to a friend or younger family member, ask if they could be with you while you come out to others.
    • You can say, "It would make me feel a little less scared if you could be there when I talk to my dad. Would you mind sitting in on the conversation?"
  6. Maybe you're worried that someone will ask you a ton of questions. Or maybe you just don't want to have a really lengthy conversation. That's fine! You can make your point, and then end the conversation whenever you're ready.
    • Try saying, "I understand you have more questions. But this is really emotional for me and I need to be done for now. Okay?" Alternatively, you could say, "I'll talk for 10 more minutes, but then I really need to be done. Thanks."
  7. If the person is yelling, saying rude things, or being otherwise aggressive, you don’t have to stick around for that. Say, “I’m not comfortable with how this is going. Let me know if you’d like to talk more when you’re calm.”
    • You can also tell the person that you're open to talking again when they calm down. But if you're not comfortable with that, that is okay too!
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself

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  1. Coming out and choosing to live openly can be liberating, but it’s also a really emotional process. Be patient with yourself and know that whatever you are feeling is okay. During the coming out process it is normal to feel: [10]
    • Proud
    • Uncertain
    • Brave
    • Scared
    • Nervous
    • Relieved
  2. Before you come out, it’s a good idea to make sure that you have someone who you know will support you. This could be a friend or family member that you know you can count on. If you’re ever feeling anxious or just down, you can ask them for help. [11]
    • Don’t be afraid to say something like, “I’m feeling really emotional today. Would you take a walk with me? I think some fresh air and company would make me feel better.”
    • If you're feeling lonely or scared, there are also support lines, like The Trevor Project, that you can call. Sometimes a supportive listener might be just what you need.
  3. Look online for LGBTQ+ organizations near you. During the coming out process (and after) it can feel good to be around people who can understand what you’re dealing with. [12]
    • You can also look for online support groups and social groups.
    • Ask an LGBTQ+ friend how they got to know other members of the community.
    • If you're in school, you can check with the counselor to see if they have any suggestions.
  4. Remember to be kind to yourself. This is a rewarding process, but not always an easy one. You might find that keeping a journal is helpful for you, or even meditating. The important thing is to take time for yourself and do things that make you feel good. This could be: [13]
    • Watching a funny show.
    • Taking your dog for a walk.
    • Spending time with friends.
    • Reading a good book.
  5. While it might take some time to become comfortable with this, there are lots of benefits to living openly. During and after the coming out process, you can look forward to: [14]
    • Developing more genuine relationships.
    • Becoming a role-model.
    • Becoming part of a vibrant community.
    • Living with more self-confidence.
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      Tips

      • Have boundaries. If someone is being rude or if they don't accept you, you don't have to stick around with them.
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      • Before you come out to an older family member, try talking to a friend first. You might find that more comfortable.
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      • Take your time. Coming out is a process that doesn’t happen overnight.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.them.us/story/how-to-come-out-to-your-family-as-nonbinary
      2. ↑ https://www.them.us/story/how-to-come-out-to-your-family-as-nonbinary
      3. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ComingOutAsYou.pdf
      4. ↑ https://campusclimate.berkeley.edu/students/ejce/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
      5. ↑ https://campusclimate.berkeley.edu/students/ejce/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
      6. ↑ https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/coming-out-as-non-binary/
      7. ↑ https://campusclimate.berkeley.edu/students/ejce/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
      8. ↑ https://www.them.us/story/how-to-come-out-to-your-family-as-nonbinary
      9. ↑ https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/resource_guide_april_2014.pdf?_ga=2.174071266.1514358546.1549570667-1003730308.1549570667
      1. ↑ https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/resource_guide_april_2014.pdf?_ga=2.174071266.1514358546.1549570667-1003730308.1549570667
      2. ↑ https://www.glsen.org/article/coming-out-resource-lgbtq-students
      3. ↑ https://www.glsen.org/article/coming-out-resource-lgbtq-students
      4. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ComingOutAsYou.pdf
      5. ↑ https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/resource_guide_april_2014.pdf?_ga=2.174071266.1514358546.1549570667-1003730308.1549570667

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