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Sometimes, no amount of compromise and understanding will help you get along with your in-laws. If your spouse’s parents or other family members are abusive, manipulative, or chronically disrespectful to you or your spouse, severing ties may be for the best. Though, we understand that that's a big decision to make—which is why we're going to be here to help you every step of the way.
Steps
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Get your spouse to back you up. When you’re dealing with parents or in-laws, it’s important to present a united front with your spouse. Even if your spouse is planning to maintain their relationship with their parents, they should support and defend your choice. [1] X Research source
- Rehearse some assertive responses with your spouse so they will know what to say if their parents bring up you or the rift between you and your in-laws.
- If your spouse is severing ties with their parents, let them take the lead throughout the process.
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Explain your position and boundaries to your in-laws. Let your in-laws know that you’re cutting contact with them, and give them your reasons [2] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. . Keep the conversation brief and stick to the facts. Avoid arguing or letting your emotions get the better of you. [3] X Research source- For instance, you could say something like, “I’m going to have to stop spending time around you because of the way you put me down in front of my children. It’s hurtful, and it’s not the kind of example I want my kids to see.”
- Keep in mind that your in-laws will likely disagree with you, but you do not have to defend your decision to them.
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Cut contact with your in-laws through multiple channels. If you are trying to limit any contact with toxic relatives, you will have to do a clean sweep. Unfriend or block your in-laws on platforms like Facebook. If necessary, block their email addresses, too. You might also place them on your telephone block list to prevent phone contact. [4] X Research source
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Avoid events they attend. If you are truly trying to distance yourself from your in-laws, you may want to be proactive about different social and family gatherings. This may mean switching country club memberships, shopping at a new grocery store, or even declining invitations to events like weddings.
- Saying "no" to events and finding new stomping grounds might prove to be a challenge. But the effort is worth to definitively cut off your in-laws.
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Stick to your principles. If your in-laws try to argue with you, calmly restate your boundaries and your reasons for cutting contact. If other family members criticize your choice or try to make you feel guilty, explain to them that you’re protecting your well-being and your other relationships, and leave it at that. [5] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. [6] X Research source -
Stay polite. Remember that you may still come face-to-face with your in-laws one day, either by necessity or by chance. Be civil when you cut ties, and avoid saying anything nasty or intentionally hurtful to them. This will be helpful to you because you will likely feel guilt from time to time, and remembering that you have always controlled your temper and treated them with respect will help you to keep a clear conscience.
- If other family members ask why you ended the relationship, be honest, but don’t gossip or try to undermine your in-laws’ other relationships. [7] X Research source
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Talk with your spouse. During a quiet moment when you won’t be interrupted, tell your spouse how you’re feeling about your in-laws. Ask them what they think of the situation. Work on finding a solution that you can both live with. It's unlikely you will resolve the dilemma in one conversation. The discussion should be ongoing.
- Avoid accusing your in-laws of being bad people. If your spouse is still on good terms with them, they might jump to take their parents’ side. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in a neutral way.
- For instance, you could say, “Blake, I know you love your parents, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the way they criticize me to my face whenever we see them. Have you noticed this, too? What can we do about it?”
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Think about how you’ll handle the issue of grandchildren. Cutting off your in-laws is a more complicated matter if you and your spouse have kids. Consider whether your children will continue to see their grandparents and, if so, how these visits will be arranged. [8] X Research source
- Identify what types of behavior would warrant cutting off your in-laws’ access to their grandchildren. For example, you might decide that you will not allow them to be around your children if they are abusive, hold them to impossible standards, or put them into dangerous situations.
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Consider how you’ll handle family holidays and get-togethers. Discuss the logistics of future family visits with your spouse. Think about whether you’re willing to spend time under the same roof as your in-laws and, if you’re not, whether your spouse will still attend family gatherings. [9] X Research source
- For instance, you might decide to opt out of the annual Fourth of July barbecue with your in-laws, but agree that your spouse will still attend with your kids.
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Set boundaries you can live with. Decide what boundaries you want to enforce, and why. Talk about your boundaries with your spouse to ensure you’re both on the same page. [10] X Research source Also, make sure to reevaluate these boundaries periodically to see what is working and what is not working so you can make changes as needed.
- For example, you and your spouse might be overwhelmed by your in-laws interfering with parenting. This may be one of many boundaries you choose to communicate.
- Other possible boundaries might be not discussing finances with them or not allowing them to stay at your home during visits, but setting them up at a nearby hotel.
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Consider the ramifications of your choice. Ask yourself how cutting off your in-laws will affect your relationship with your spouse and the rest of their family. Think about whether you’re prepared to deal with the potential fallout from your decision. [11] X Research source
- For instance, if you get along well with some of your spouse’s other family members, consider that you may lose those relationships, too.
- Also, if you have any children, becoming estranged from their grandparents could negatively affect them as well.
- Or, if you have financial ties to your relatives, such as relying on them for financial help or anticipating an inheritance in the future, then you will be losing these things and putting yourself into financial risk.
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Avoid making any big decisions when you’re angry. If you’re still fuming over something that your in-laws said or did, take a deep breath and give yourself some time to calm down. Avoid severing any relationships or lashing out in the heat of anger. You might end up saying or doing something you regret later. [12] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Wait a few days before having contact with your in-laws and take at least a couple of months before you make any major decisions about how to handle your in-laws. In the meantime, blow off some steam by meditating, working out, or writing in a journal.
- Anger makes you see the world in more simplistic terms, which isn’t a good state of mind for making major decisions.
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Consider distancing yourself instead. Cutting off your in-laws can cause a rift in the family and make holidays tricky to manage. Think about whether it would be more practical to distance yourself while still maintaining a polite relationship. [13] X Research source
- For instance, you might decide to limit your contact with your in-laws most of the time, but still see them at big family get-togethers. Your spouse can serve as a buffer between you and your in-laws to help make communication a bit easier.
- Distancing yourself may be the simplest solution if you only see your in-laws once or twice a year.
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References
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/06/tense-relationship-in-laws-husband-wont-stick-up-for-me
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-steps-to-setting-boundaries-in-relationships_b_6142248.html
- ↑ https://offbeathome.com/ending-relationships-with-family/
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10-things-to-remember-about-toxic-family-members/
- ↑ https://www.prevention.com/mind-body/breaking-up-with-a-family-member
- ↑ https://www.themotherco.com/2013/10/toxic-grandparents-what-to-do-and-how-to-move-forward/
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
- ↑ https://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=799
- ↑ https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/Strained-Family-Relationships-When-You-Should-Cut-The-Ties-and-Say-Goodbye
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2010/09/how-anger-poisons-decision-making
- ↑ https://nymag.com/thecut/2015/05/ask-polly-can-i-cut-off-my-mother-in-law.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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Cutting off your in-laws is a decision you shouldn't rush, so talk to your spouse first to make sure they think it's a good idea. Explain to them why you want to cut their family off, since it’s important that your spouse backs you up. Take steps to avoid speaking with them, like unfriending them on social media, blocking their phone numbers, and declining invites to social gatherings. If your spouse still feels the need to maintain contact, agree that they will attend family events alone. Alternatively, agree on boundaries to limit contact to a minimum. For example, this could mean that they stay in a hotel when they visit, not with you. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to cut off your in-laws when you have children, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "We just decided to cut off the family today. My mother in law has turned the entire family against me with lies and gossip and the whole family has never tried to get to know me or talk to me or hang out with me once, so she had nothing to back her up." ..." more
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"We just decided to cut off the family today. My mother in law has turned the entire family against me with lies and gossip and the whole family has never tried to get to know me or talk to me or hang out with me once, so she had nothing to back her up."
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"Everything in this article helped me. I have reasons for cutting my in-laws out. My DH and I are newly wed but it feels like hell already. His family keeps on mooching and asking for money; if we can't give, his mom call me names. DH doesn't like it."
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"I had a recent spat with my mother-in-law and thought of cutting off ties with her. Fortunately, this article helped me to conclude not to cut her off, but rather to keep my distance."
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"It actually validated my actions, I cut off ties with a family member after many years of verbal abuse. Everything you've written in this article is spot on and good advice. "
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"Learned to not argue back and to instead ignore them."
