What to Do When Your Mother-in-Law Hates You

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Spot the signs of a toxic MIL and learn how to handle it
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Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law can be frustrating and confusing. You might wonder what you've done to deserve her hatred or if there's anything you can do to make her like you. Thankfully, there are many ways to address this situation, even if you can't control her behavior. We talked to relationship advisors, family therapists, and communication experts to help you deal with your mother-in-law . We’ll also help you spot the signs that she dislikes you , and explain reasons she might .

Dealing with a Toxic Mother-in-Law

Talk to your partner about their mother’s behavior and how it affects you so you’re both on the same page, but don’t try to antagonize them or make your partner choose between you. Have an honest conversation with your mother-in-law about how you feel, and set boundaries around how often and in what ways you interact.

Section 1 of 3:

Dealing With a Mother-in-Law Who Hates You

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  1. Relationships with in-laws can be tricky, and it’s easy to misread the signs because of our own anxieties or worries. Before you spring into action, try to confirm that the issue is indeed that she dislikes you. It’s a good idea to discuss this with your partner, too, who might be able to confirm your suspicions. We dive into this more in the section below , but here are some signs that your mother-in-law might be toxic: [1]
    • She dismisses your point of view.
    • She expects you to do everything she wants.
    • She badmouths you to other people.
    • She holds grudges against you.
    • She makes you feel rejected or excluded at family gatherings.
    • She is manipulative and plays mind games.
    • She's not interested in getting to know you.
    • She doubts your intentions or assumes the worst of you.
    • She tries to control your behavior or your relationship with her adult child.
    • She undermines your authority as a parent.
  2. Your partner might be able to give you some insight and support. Let your partner know how your mother-in-law's treatment is affecting you in a respectful, non-accusatory manner. To do this, use I-statements and address your mother-in-law's behavior (not her character). [2] This will help your partner become more aware of the issue, and they might end up coming to your defense next time your mother-in-law is out of line, if they haven’t already.
    • You might say, "When your mom disregards my authority in front of our kids, it makes me feel a little disrespected. I understand that she is their grandmother, but my perspective matters, too."
    • If you need to vent, talk to a friend or a trusted family member first. That way, you can let out your feelings without saying anything to your partner that you might regret. You can also try journaling to express your emotions in private.
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  3. Relationship advisor Erika Kaplan says to invite her to lunch, just you and her. “Tell her it's because you really want to establish a relationship with her,” Kaplan suggests. [3] When you talk to her, be flattering and patient, and do your best to get along . You might develop a healthier relationship when you spend time together. If it feels right, ask her gently how she feels and why. This allows her to speak her mind, and the two of you might find a way forward. It can also help you address any misunderstandings that might be influencing her behavior. [4]
    • You might say, "Last time I came over, you seemed a little frustrated with me. I really would like us to get along, and I was wondering if there was anything that I did that might have upset you?"
    • If she says no or seems unwilling to have a respectful conversation, let the subject go. Getting into a heated exchange might not help the situation, and you're under no obligation to listen to her insult you if that's how she responds.
  4. Communication expert Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, urges us to “be patient with [our] family.” [5] Matching your MIL’s attitude may make the situation worse. Though it's tempting to fight back when someone mistreats you, try to be the bigger person in the situation. Be as kind as possible to your mother-in-law, and try your best to be sympathetic to her position. You'll end up feeling better about yourself, and it might encourage your mother-in-law to leave you be. [6]
    • Greet her with a smile every time you see her, try to engage in friendly conversations, and avoid reacting if she insults or mistreats you.
    • If she makes a negative comment about your vegetarian diet, for example, avoid getting upset. You might say, "That pot roast you made is tempting, though!" and change the subject.
    • That said, you don’t have to put up with abuse from your MIL . If your MIL is negatively affecting your mental health, speak up to her and your partner, and take steps to distance yourself.
  5. “It is important to establish boundaries from the start,” Brown tells us. [7] Setting boundaries with your MIL can help you gain control over the situation and handle her when she’s overbearing . Let your mother-in-law know when she has crossed a line, and don't be afraid to kindly but firmly stick up for yourself. This can help you establish some ground rules regarding how involved your mother-in-law is in your life, your relationship with your partner, and your parenting decisions. [8]
    • Perhaps your mother-in-law wants to come over multiple times a week, but you're not comfortable with that. You could say, "How about we schedule dinner at our house once a week?"
    • Give your reasons for setting a particular boundary. You might say, “We love seeing you, but we also need time to ourselves, time alone with our children, and time to manage our lives.”
    Susan Forward, Family Therapist

    When faced with an antagonistic mother-in-law, try to disengage while maintaining self-respect. Avoid retaliation or appeasement; simply create space. Focus on your spouse and model maturity for any children involved. Reconciliation may seem unlikely, but miracles can happen when boundaries are lovingly upheld.

  6. Sometimes, it’s just not feasible to spend time with your mother-in-law. If she is particularly unkind or toxic, it might be best to keep your distance and keep your interactions to a minimum. You can do this by remaining friendly but limiting your interactions to small talk, having a clear start and end time set for your engagements, and even avoiding her or opting out of family gatherings when you're not feeling up to it. [9]
    • You might try sitting at the opposite end of the table from your mother-in-law during family dinners. Say hello and be nice, but spend most of your time talking to other family members.
    • Make concrete plans with a definite start and end time. You might say, "Would you like to come over for lunch from 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm?" If she presses to stay longer, let her know you have other plans later that day.
    • Politely let your mother-in-law know that you have a previous engagement if you can't or don't want to attend a family gathering.
    • Accept that your partner and children might spend more time with them, while you sit some events out. Use that time for work, hobbies, or helping around the house.
  7. You can’t control her behavior, but you can control how it affects you. Anytime your mother-in-law does something to get a rise out of you or hurt your feelings, remind yourself that her treatment is not a reflection of who you are. Her behavior is not your responsibility; your responsibility is being a good partner, not a perfect in-law. If you remember this, it may get easier to get through interactions with her without feeling guilty or bad about yourself. [10]
    • For example, if she criticizes how you and your partner spend your time, you might think, “My partner and I are happy, and that’s what matters. It’s not my MIL’s concern.”
    • Next time your mother-in-law says something rude, you might think, "That's just how my mother-in-law treats people. It is not a reflection of me," or "That wasn't a very nice thing to say, but it has nothing to do with who I am."
    • It might be beneficial to practice mindfulness . This can help you focus on your surroundings and the present moment anytime thoughts about your mother-in-law are distracting or upsetting you.
  8. As frustrating or confusing as her behavior might be, there may be little you can do to change her. If she's truly set in her ways, trying to change her mind and get her to like you might just leave you feeling exhausted and upset. Focus on being the best person you can be for your immediate family, and remind yourself that her treatment has little to do with you. [11]
    • You might be tempted to adhere to all of your mother-in-law's wishes and demands so that she will like you. Though it's totally okay to want to please her (you're only human), avoid doing so at the expense of your own mental health.
  9. Your mother-in-law's hatred likely has very little to do with you. Being a MIL has its own set of challenges—she’s competing for her child’s attention and trying to remain relevant in their life as they start their own family. [12] It's possible that she's jealous or threatened by your presence in her adult child's life. While this is not an excuse for her behavior, it can help you understand and empathize with her point of view.
    • Next time she insults you for no reason or blames you for something out of your control, think to yourself, "My mother-in-law's behavior has nothing to do with me," or "That hurts to hear, but she is going through a lot of pain right now."
    • It might be helpful to learn more about toxic parents and narcissism to remind yourself that her treatment is not your fault. [13]
  10. This can be an emotionally exhausting situation. Practice self-care by getting 7-8 hours of sleep, making time for your hobbies and passions in life, and spending quality time with your support system (your friends, your family, and your partner). All of these activities can give you a relaxing and restorative break from your difficult relationship with your mother-in-law. It can also help you remember all of the good things going on in your life, completely separate from her. [14]
    • Other things that can help you destress include going out for a long walk, any type of exercise, or listening to calming music.
    • You might also try writing down what you're grateful for in life. This can help you focus on the positive when things are tough. [15]
  11. Having a difficult mother-in-law can take a toll on your self-esteem. Avoid letting her treatment get you down by reminding yourself of all of your positive qualities, talents, and accomplishments. That way, you'll feel good about yourself no matter what your mother-in-law says or does. [16]
    • Try writing down everything you like about yourself on a piece of paper. Next time you're feeling sad about something your mother-in-law said to you, read over that list. [17]
    • If you're really struggling, you might try talking to a therapist. They can give you some tools to build up your confidence and develop healthy self-esteem. If you're interested, get a referral from your doctor or search online for a therapist in your area.
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs Your Mother-in-Law Dislikes You

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  1. Probably the biggest sign is how your MIL speaks to you or about you. She might be outright insulting, or she might be more passive-aggressive. She might say negative things to you directly, or she might go around your back and complain to your partner. In any case, it’s clear she doesn’t respect you. [18]
    • She might complain about you to other family members or be outright confrontational.
  2. How you parent your child can be a huge point of tension between you and your in-laws. If she disapproves of your parenting or expresses disappointment, it might be that she harbors negative feelings. [19] The same is true of your relationship to your partner. If she criticizes your capability or “worthiness” as a partner, that’s a problem.
    • She might say things like, “That’s not how I would do things,” or, “My child deserves better.”
  3. A toxic MIL may pretend that your perspective, your authority, or even your dignity isn’t worth her time. [20] When you make a suggestion, she probably doesn’t listen. When you stand up for yourself, she bulldozes over you. She doesn’t respect your experience or opinions, and acts like she’s above you.
    • She might belittle your background or cultural experience, or she might not respect your career or hobbies.
  4. When your MIL dislikes you, she often withholds things from you that she gives to other family members. [21] She might not invite you to family gatherings, or she might decline to give you responsibilities like making food. She might give other family members gifts, but ignore you.
    • She might praise other family members but stay quiet about you. Or, she might just ignore you outright during gatherings.
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Section 3 of 3:

Reasons Your Mother-in-Law Might Dislike You

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  1. Think about it from her perspective: Someone new has come and established themselves as the primary person in her child’s life, when for years that used to be her. You might feel a little jealous or bitter, too, right? [22] That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it can help you understand it.
    • This is why being kind, patient, and gentle with her can help. If she sees that you’re someone she can trust, rather than her competition, she may lighten up.
    • It’s also possible that she’s jealous of your looks or position in life, like your career. [23]
  2. This is another huge one. Your MIL has her own perspectives, spirituality, politics, and personal convictions, and it’s almost guaranteed that you don’t share all those things. [24] She might have a certain vision for her child that doesn’t match up with reality, which can cause anxiety or resentment. That’s not your fault, and it’s her problem to work through.
    • If this is the case, distance is often the best answer. It’ll take some serious soul-searching from your MIL to change her views, and that may not be your place to get involved.
  3. People are complicated! Your MIL is handling just as many issues, problems, and anxieties as you, but it’s not always easy to know what those are or how she’s handling them. [25] Again, it doesn’t excuse her behavior, but sometimes there are behind-the-scenes issues you’ll just never know about.
    • For example, she might be working through physical or mental health problems. She might be having trouble with her own marriage, or worries about the state of the world, and those anxieties are trickling down to you.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do you do when you don't get along with your mother-in-law?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Spend a little bit of one-on-one time together, and tell her that you'd really like to establish a relationship with her. There's nothing more flattering than a compliment, especially if your compliment is about her parenting skills. Tell her that she raised a really good partner, and that her child is a really good partner to you—that kind of transparent, direct dialogue goes a long way.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How can I win my mother-in-law's trust?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Tell your mother-in-law what you specifically like about her child (your partner). Don't be critical of your partner outside of closed doors and always speak genuinely about them, especially when you're around friends and family.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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  • Question
    How do you deal with in-laws that don't respect you?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Focus on being independent enough to show your partner's family that you can stand on your own two feet, and that you're with this person for the right reason.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law/
      2. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/i-statements-vs-you-statements/
      3. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Relationship Advisor. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/what-to-do-when-you-dont-like-your-partners-parents-0616165
      5. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Communication Expert. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/30/the-secret-to-coping-dislike-parent-in-law
      7. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Communication Expert. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/what-to-do-when-you-dont-like-your-partners-parents-0616165
      9. ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/engaged/marriage-basics/tips-for-handling-the-in-law-relationship/
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buddy-system/202001/daughters-in-law-and-mothers-in-law-boundary-ambiguity
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/toxic-parenting-traits
      5. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/sep/15/i-find-my-mother-in-law-completely-infuriating-she-isnt-a-bad-person-what-should-i-do
      6. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/improving-family-relationships-with-emotional-intelligence.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
      9. ↑ https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/your-mother-in-law-doesnt-hate-you
      10. ↑ https://www.romper.com/p/i-confronted-my-mother-in-law-about-how-much-she-hates-me-it-was-tough-but-necessary-61847
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/202506/i-hate-my-mother-in-law
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buddy-system/202001/daughters-in-law-and-mothers-in-law-boundary-ambiguity
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buddy-system/202001/daughters-in-law-and-mothers-in-law-boundary-ambiguity
      14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201610/why-getting-along-with-a-mother-in-law-is-so-difficult
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/202506/i-hate-my-mother-in-law
      16. ↑ https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/your-mother-in-law-doesnt-hate-you

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