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Work together with your spouse to handle an annoying mother-in-law
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Does your mother-in-law try to run your home like it's hers, criticize your every move, or barge in unannounced? An overbearing mother-in-law is tough to deal with and can be pretty frustrating. And while you don’t have to become BFFs with your partner’s mom, there are some ways you can work together with your spouse to handle your mother-in-law’s behavior. Keep reading to learn how to set firm boundaries and address issues to keep the peace within your family dynamic.
Things You Should Know
- Establish solid boundaries with your mother-in-law by telling her when she can and can’t come over or calling out inappropriate comments.
- Talk to your spouse about how your mother-in-law makes you feel, then ask your partner to chat with your mother-in-law.
- Let your mother-in-law help with the kids or the household sometimes so she feels needed and appreciated.
Steps
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Pick your battles with her. It’s not worth getting upset every time your mother-in-law asks about something personal or gets on your nerves. Do your best to stay calm and ignore minor grievances. Save your energy for when she oversteps boundaries in more significant ways. [1] X Research source
- For example, if you had her over for dinner and she says, “Well the chicken’s alright, but I would have seasoned it more,” just let it slide. Tell her, “Thanks for the tip!”
- Practice acceptance by reminding yourself that your mother-in-law is unlikely to change her behavior drastically. While it’s fine to stick up for yourself and enforce your boundaries, you may have to let little things go to maintain a relationship with her.
- Many mothers-in-law offer unhelpful advice because they are perfectionists or they have low self-esteem. Understanding your mother-in-law’s behavior can help you deflect her comments in the moment.
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Enforce your boundaries calmly and firmly when necessary. Stick up for yourself, but don’t be disrespectful or shout. When you need to tell her to back down, try to keep your tone neutral and matter-of-fact. Do your best to keep your cool to avoid escalating the conflict. [2] X Research source
- Suppose she keeps asking about personal topics, such as why you don’t go to her place of worship or how many exes you have. Tell her, “I’d rather not discuss that topic. Let’s talk about something else.”
- If she comes over without calling ahead, tell her, “Now isn’t a good time. We’ve talked about calling ahead to make sure it’s convenient, and you’ll have to come over another time.”
- Some mothers-in-law will insert themselves into your relationship because they’re jealous of the time you spend with your partner.
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Assert your authority politely if she tries to run your home. If she tends to take over whenever she visits your home, ask her to sit and relax. Thank her for wanting to help, but stress that you have everything under control. [3] X Research source
- For instance, if you invite her over for dinner and she tries to take over in the kitchen, say, “Thanks for offering to help, but I can handle it! Have a seat and relax. I don’t like to put my company to work!”
- If she insists on helping, give her a simple task to keep her out of the way, like chopping veggies or making the salad. [4] X Research source
- Does your mother-in-law have a controlling, domineering partner? If so, she may be trying to take control of her life in other ways by attempting to lead your household instead.
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Stand up for yourself if she repeatedly disrespects you. If she continues to criticize you, pester you about private topics, and invade your personal space, tell her to stop. Don’t shout or get angry, but make it clear that you won’t tolerate further disrespect. [5] X Research source
- Say, “We’ve discussed this before, and I’m not comfortable with the way you continue to interfere with my household. I’ve tried to be cordial, and I want to keep the peace, but this has to stop.”
- Maintain your self-respect by not stooping to her level. While it might feel good in the moment to snap at her or call her names, in the long run, it will harm your relationship.
EXPERT TIPLicensed Professional CounselorJulie Krizner is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the Executive Director at Axiom Family Counseling Services. With over 10 years of professional experience in the mental health field, Julie is trained in trauma, marriage, and family therapy. Her clinics have programs that specialize in addiction and she has extensive knowledge about addiction and medications to assist with overcoming it. Julie is a Certified Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor in the state of Pennsylvania. She received her Bachelor's degree in Psychology from Saint Vincent College and a Master's in Mental Health Counseling from Capella University.Add humor when feeling interrogated. If someone bombards you with intrusive or overly personal questions, gently let them know you feel unexpectedly interrogated. Insert some lighthearted humor or redirection to ease the tension before pivoting the conversation to more positive territory.
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Explain your feelings to your partner. Respect your spouse’s relationship with their mother, but explain your needs for personal space and autonomy. Make your needs clear, and name specific issues that need to be addressed. Keep your tone positive, and remind your spouse that you don’t blame them for their mother’s actions. [6] X Research source
- For example, say, “I understand you’re close with your mother, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. However, I need boundaries. It’s not okay for her to come over unannounced or criticize my parenting skills.”
- Bring up your feelings as soon as possible. You’ll have a much easier time handling issues together with your spouse if you address them sooner rather than later.
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Tell your spouse you understand they’re in a tough position. Let your spouse know that you get how rough it is being in the middle of the conflict. Emphasize that the relationship between you and your spouse is separate from the conflict between you and your mother-in-law. [7] X Research source
- Say, “I get that you’re in a tough position. I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your family. I love you, and these issues shouldn’t drive a wedge between us.”
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Work with your spouse to set clear boundaries . In addition to explaining your needs, ask your spouse how they envision their mother’s role in your lives and what’s the best way to deal with the issues you are facing. Work with them to find a middle ground that satisfies you both. [8] X Research source
- For example, your spouse might not mind if your mother-in-law pops in unannounced, and wants her to be a close part of your lives. You could have her over for weekly dinners to satisfy your spouse’s needs and require her to call ahead before visiting.
- Compromise with your partner, but make your needs clear. Tell them, “I’m happy that you’re so close with your parents, and I want to support that. But I’m your partner, and I need your support, too. Maintaining our privacy doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your mother.” [9] X Research source
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Ask your spouse to have a conversation with their mother on their own. Once you’ve come up with solutions, your spouse needs to talk with their mother alone. Bear in mind it’s your partner’s responsibility to address problems with their parents. If they’re hesitant, explain that they need to take the lead, just as you would if there were an issue with your parents. [10] X Research source
- Say, “You need to be the one to tell your mother to give us some space. If you ever have an issue with my parents, then I’d need to take the lead. Be assertive but respectful, and tell her that we’re not shutting her out, but we need to set boundaries.”
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Remind your spouse that they need to have your back. From establishing boundaries to handling criticism or disrespect in the moment, it’s important for your spouse to defend you. Married partners' primary loyalties are to each other. [11] X Research source
- Make sure that your spouse takes the lead in enforcing boundaries and responds to their mother before you have to. This may be more effective than you saying something.
- If your mother-in-law puts you down, your spouse can calmly say, “Please don’t insult Heather like that. When you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me, and it’s not okay.”
- If your partner doesn't have your back, tell them, “We’re a team, and I’m hurt that you didn’t defend me when your mother insulted me. I don’t want to put you in the middle, but you need to stick up for me.”
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Tell your mother-in-law that all friends and family need to call ahead before visiting. Explain that you have a “call ahead” rule for all guests. Phrasing it in general terms will make her feel less targeted and help you avoid a conflict. [12] X Research source
- Your spouse could tell her, “You shouldn’t feel like we don’t want to spend time with you. We just prefer that our friends and family call ahead to make sure it’s a convenient time to visit.”
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Use specific times and dates when you plan visits. If your mother-in-law tends to overstay her welcome, specify start and end times when you make plans. When time’s up, let her know politely but firmly that it’s time to go. [13] X Research source
- For example, say, “You can come over for lunch at noon, but Sam and I have to run errands after 3 p.m.”
- Meeting on neutral turf is also a good way to prevent in-laws from overstaying their welcome. Instead of having them come over, meet them at a restaurant or park.
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Don’t loan money or accept support from your in-laws. Staying out of each other’s finances can prevent conflicts over money. Furthermore, if you borrow money or accept support from your mother-in-law, she might seize the opportunity to exert authority. [14] X Research source
- For example, suppose you borrow money to pay for something for your child, such as tuition. Your mother-in-law could bring that up when you ask her to stay out of your parenting decisions.
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Explain your parenting rules to her clearly, if you have kids. When she babysits, let her know what and when your kids should eat and when they nap or go to bed. Tell her which TV shows, movies, and other media are off-limits, and note if they need to do homework or any other tasks. [15] X Research source
- Since they've already raised kids, in-laws sometimes don't respond well to long, detailed lists of instructions. Try quick, relevant guidelines, such as, “Please don't let the kids watch TV or play video games unless they've finished their homework," or “Billy needs to take his allergy medication at 7 p.m. Please make sure he takes it.”
- Keep in mind your mother-in-law might not always stick to your parenting style. It’s best to brush off minor issues, such as if she feeds your kids ice cream against your wishes.
- If you have a disagreement about parenting, make sure the kids aren't within earshot. Don't allow your mother-in-law to verbally undermine your authority in front of the kids. If she tries, ask her to step into the other room with you where the kids can’t hear you.
- Giving her opportunities to watch your kids can help her feel needed. If she feels that she plays an important role, she might back off from trying to take over other aspects of your life. However, if she frequently goes against your wishes when handling the children, then you may not want to have her watch them anymore.
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Spend time with her only if your spouse is present. Keeping the peace doesn’t mean you need to be best friends with your mother-in-law. Limit your contact with her when your spouse isn’t present, especially if she routinely belittles or criticizes you. [16] X Research source
- For example, if you’re dropping off your kids at her house, say hello and be cordial, but don’t stick around all afternoon. Say, “Well it’s been nice chatting, but I’ve got to get going. I should be back for the kids around 5.”
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Avoid complaining about her to your children or other in-laws. Venting to your husband or a trusted friend is one thing, but don’t talk badly about your mother-in-law to your kids. Additionally, don’t complain to any siblings-in-law or any of your spouse’s other relatives. [17] X Research source
- You don’t want your mother-in-law to hear that you’ve been talking about her behind her back. Your siblings-in-law might complain to you about their mother, but it’s wise to avoid contributing to the conversation.
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Conversation Help
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I say no if my mother in law asks for money?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.Let her know that you and your spouse make financial decisions together and that you’ll discuss it with your spouse. Perhaps your spouse can tell his/her mother no in a more effective way.
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QuestionHow do I deal with a mother in law who holds grudges?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.Be yourself. If you do not hold grudges, continue not holding grudges. You cannot control the behavior of someone else, but you can control how you handle the way they behave with you. Rise above it and resist the urge to get upset if your mother-in-law holds a grudge against you.
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Tips
- Do your best not to get angry. Try to empathize with your mother-in-law, especially if her intrusive behavior isn’t malicious. Maybe she just wants to help or is afraid of losing touch with her child. [18] X Research sourceThanks
- Asking your mother-in-law for advice from time to time could help her feel important. If you satisfy her needs by asking for advice, she might stop overstepping your boundaries.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201212/take-my-mother-in-law-6-steps-good-in-law-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/parents-in-law-dont-want-play-nice
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/parents-in-law-dont-want-play-nice
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-healthy-couples-deal-with-their-in-laws/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201311/how-handle-your-monster-in-law
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/have-in-law-issues
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-healthy-couples-deal-with-their-in-laws/
- ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/emotional-wellness/boundaries-with-mother-in-law
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-healthy-couples-deal-with-their-in-laws/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/have-in-law-issues
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/parents-in-law-dont-want-play-nice
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-healthy-couples-deal-with-their-in-laws/
- ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/emotional-wellness/boundaries-with-mother-in-law
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/parents-in-law-dont-want-play-nice
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201212/take-my-mother-in-law-6-steps-good-in-law-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/parents-in-law-dont-want-play-nice
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201212/take-my-mother-in-law-6-steps-good-in-law-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201212/take-my-mother-in-law-6-steps-good-in-law-relationships
About This Article
Article Summary
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To deal with an intrusive, needy mother-in-law, set healthy boundaries that you and your spouse agree on. If your mother-in-law tends to pop over unannounced, tell her that you have a “call ahead” policy for all guests to make sure it’s a convenient time for a visit. Explaining that you ask everyone to do this can help you avoid conflict. When planning visits, use specific times and dates, like telling her “You can come over for lunch at noon, but we have to run errands around 3.” Another way to keep healthy boundaries is to avoid accepting or lending money, which can lead to power struggles and conflicts. If your spouse doesn’t help you enforce these rules, remind them that they have to have your back. To learn how to stand up for yourself if your mother-in-law disrespects you, keep reading!
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