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Learn to handle and respond to passive-aggressiveness
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Passive aggression is an indirect expression of anger; a passive-aggressive person might try to upset or hurt you, but not in an obvious way. People act passive-aggressively because they haven’t learned how to deal with conflict appropriately—but don’t worry. There are plenty of ways to help a person reflect on their behavior and address passive aggression through communication, finding common ground, and setting boundaries. Read on for a complete guide to addressing passive-aggressive behavior (and ultimately putting a stop to it), with expert advice from psychologist Catherine Boswell, Ph.D., and psychotherapist Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC.
Things You Should Know
- Approach the person privately and bring up their passive-aggressive behavior. Stay calm and use I-statements to express yourself.
- Set boundaries to protect yourself from passive-aggressive people. Follow through with consequences if they don't respect your boundaries.
- Get help from a mediator or avoid them in the future (if possible) if they refuse to stop being passive-aggressive toward you.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People
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Start a conversation about the issue as soon as possible. It can be tempting to sweep passive-aggressive behavior under the rug—but the best way to respond to passive-aggressive behavior is to address it sooner rather than later. Expert psychotherapist Stefanie Barthmare stresses the importance of starting the conversation by explaining in your own words what seems to be happening as directly and specifically as you can. [1] X Expert Source Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.- For example, you might say, “I may be wrong, but it seems like you’re upset that David wasn’t invited to the party. Do you want to talk about it?”
- Passive aggressive people might try to twist your words with technicalities if you’re vague or talking in generalizations, which is why it’s so important to be direct, according to Barthmare. [2]
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Expert Source
Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 May 2021. - For example, generalizing and saying, “You’re always this way!” isn’t very productive. Say someone keeps giving you the silent treatment, and it bothers you; in that case, explain a specific incident where they did so.
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Express how their behavior is making you feel using “I” statements. Focusing on how you feel makes it easier to discuss the problem without sounding like you’re attacking the other person. “I” statements (like “I felt bad after you slammed the door because it felt like you didn’t want to listen to me”) emphasize your emotions, whereas “You” statements (like, “You’re so rude”) imply blame and judgment. [3] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- For example, you could say, "When you speak in such a curt way, it makes me feel hurt and dismissed." This way, they have to acknowledge the effect their behavior is having on you.
- Passive-aggressive people tend to beat around the bush. Don’t beat around the bush back at them! Let them know how you feel without sugarcoating it or being overly harsh.
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Create a safe space for them and offer to solve the issue. It can be tough to admit when something is upsetting you—so try to make it a little easier for the passive-aggressive person to acknowledge their feelings. Whether you’re addressing a friend, coworker, or subordinate, tell them that it’s safe to come to you with issues and that you’d rather they speak openly about their concerns. [4] X Research source
- Try gently letting them know that you can sense something’s wrong. For example, you might say, “You seem pretty upset right now,” or “I feel like something is bothering you. I’d like to help if I can.”
- Make it clear that you want to solve the problem together as a team. This can show the passive-aggressive person that you’re listening to them—and that you care.
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Use clear and assertive (yet respectful) communication. According to expert psychologist Catherine Boswell, assertive communication simply means being confident, nonreactive, and respectful. [5] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Be as objective and direct as possible when communicating with them—and remember to listen to them, too. Consider and acknowledge their point of view, validating their feelings even if you think they’re wrong.- There’s aggressive, passive, and passive aggressive communication—but none are as effective as assertive communication.
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Stay calm and avoid responding passive-aggressively. If you’re upset, take time to calm down before addressing the issue. Take a walk, crank up your favorite song and dance, do a crossword, or find some other activity that relaxes you. Then, figure out exactly what you need from the situation—such as what kind of outcome seems reasonable and acceptable to you. [6] X Research source
- If you let them get a rise out of you, it might reinforce the idea that their passive-aggressive behavior works—and they might keep doing it.
- Resist the urge to act on reflexive anger or emotionally charged reaction. You'll appear much more in control and will come across as someone they can’t push around.
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Use positivity to defuse any tension. Sincere kindness is one of the most effective and disarming weapons against passive-aggressive people. They may draw you into their vortex of negativity, acting out without getting blamed for it—so, to fight back, simply don’t sink to their level. Be positive and pleasant. If the situation calls for it, try cracking a lighthearted joke, too. [7] X Research source
- Avoid name-calling, shouting, or overt anger. According to psychologist Catherine Boswell, if you stay positive, you’ll be in a better position to keep the focus on their actions, not yours. [8]
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Expert Source
Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Getting angry can divert attention from the real problem. - Model positive behavior, whether you’re dealing with children or adults. Show them how to interact with you by addressing your own concerns and emotions directly.
- Humor can keep a conversation positive. A passive-aggressive person might get defensive when you point out their behavior, but with a little humor, they might relax and realize you're not attacking them.
- Avoid name-calling, shouting, or overt anger. According to psychologist Catherine Boswell, if you stay positive, you’ll be in a better position to keep the focus on their actions, not yours. [8]
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Expert Source
Catherine Boswell, PhD
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Figure out what might be causing the passive aggression. Passive-aggressive people tend to say they’re “fine” or that nothing is wrong, even when that’s not true. So, if you feel like a passive-aggressive person is doing this, don’t let it go—ask deeper questions to try and find the source of the problem. Let them know that you want to understand how they feel, and give them a chance to explain themselves. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- If this person is one who doesn't typically show anger, talk to someone who knows what upsets them—and what subtle signs they might give when angry.
- Remember: passive-aggressive behavior is usually a symptom of another cause. People rarely act out without a reason!
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Set clear standards and limits with the passive-aggressive person. By establishing boundaries with a passive-aggressive person, you’re letting them know exactly what you need from them and what behavior you consider unacceptable, making it easier to hold them accountable. Tell them what you need from them going forward and what you plan to do if the passive-aggressive behavior continues. [10] X Research source
- For example, if you’re dealing with a coworker, you might say that you’ll have to report them to a supervisor if they keep giving you the silent treatment and refusing to cooperate.
- Similarly, if you’re a supervisor, you might tell an employee exactly what you expect from them on a project that they’ve been passive-aggressively putting off.
- Remember, it’s your right to set boundaries. You don’t have to let a passive-aggressive person walk all over you!
- At its roots, passive-aggressive behavior is a power struggle. Being too lenient might make them think they can keep doing it—so be firm about what behavior you will and won’t tolerate.
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Enforce consistent consequences for passive-aggressive behavior. Once you tell a passive-aggressive person the consequences of their continued bad behavior, always follow through on your words. Show them you’re willing to back up your words with actions! They’ll be more motivated to change their behavior and be more cooperative with consistent consequences. [11] X Research source
- Asserting consequences is one of the most powerful you can "shut down" a passive-aggressive person, and it’s just as important as setting those consequences in the first place.
- Passive-aggressive people tend to put up resistance when confronted on their behavior. They might be in denial, make excuses, or point the blame elsewhere.
- However, with clear boundaries, they won’t have anywhere to turn. They’ll have to adjust their behavior or live with the consequences.
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Reinforce appropriate (or good) behavior. In behavioral psychology, you can give a person “reinforcement” after they perform a certain behavior to try and get them to act that way more often. Positive reinforcement means rewarding the behavior you want to see. So, watch for good behavior (such as stating their needs or concerns directly) and take every opportunity to reinforce it. [12] X Research source
- For example, when a passive-aggressive person is open and honest about their feelings (“I feel like you’re being mean to me on purpose!”), that’s actually a good thing!
- Reinforce this behavior by saying something like, “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I really appreciate when you do that.”
- This draws positive attention to their openness, helping them see that communicating their feelings is something they can (and should) do.
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Find common ground with them. By finding common ground with a passive-aggressive person, you can reduce the tension between you. Common ground between two people (such as shared goals, values, interests, or beliefs) can create a stronger rapport—and if they feel a connection with you, they might be more open to cooperating instead of acting passive-aggressively. [13] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- For example, say your friend’s roommate is sending passive-aggressive signals. You might try to get to know them better and ask about their interests to see what you have in common!
- Similarly, you might talk to a passive-aggressive coworker and see if you have any shared ideas on how to handle a project.
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Get help from a mediator or arbitrator. This person should be an objective third party, whether it’s an HR representative, a family member, or even a mutual friend. The idea is to use someone the passive-aggressive person can also trust! Before meeting, give the mediator a list of your concerns. Then, once in the meeting, be open-minded and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. [14] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- When you confront a passive-aggressive person yourself, you might hear excuses like, "Relax, it was a joke" or "You take things too seriously."
- Thus, having a third-party mediator can work better, as they can help direct the conversation and encourage more honest discussions.
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Keep your distance from them if the behavior doesn’t change. When someone is passive-aggressive toward you on a regular basis, and no amount of intervention stops them from doing it, it’s perfectly reasonable to avoid them. Don’t be afraid to put your well-being first! If you have to see them (at work, or with mutual friends, for example), limit the amount of time you spend with them. [15] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- For example, you might resolve to only interact with them when you’re in groups—no one-on-one conversations.
- Try not to give them any information they can use against you, either. Even if they ask questions, try to keep things vague and brief. Avoid sharing any personal information (including emotions or thoughts).
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy do people become passive-aggressive?Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.People who become passive-aggressive tend to be uncomfortable expressing their needs directly, which is why they're so indirect when they're frustrated.
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QuestionWhat should I do if my partner is passive aggressive without realizing it?Stefanie Barthmare is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a private practice in Houston, Texas. With two decades of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling for relationship issues, parenting and family struggles, depression, anxiety, and grief. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from The University of Texas at Austin and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Houston. Stefanie is also an LPC Associate supervisor and consults as a facilitator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.Help them express themselves! Encourage them to be totally clear about what they want, and explain why their sarcasm or hurtful comments aren't helping. If you can help them with their needs and they've been clear, do it. This will encourage them to be more direct in the future.
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Tips
- People who engage in passive-aggressive behavior often feel a sense of pride in their ability to control their emotions.Thanks
- When you go along with the person's tactics or take on their responsibilities, you’re actually enabling more passive-aggressive behavior. It’s better to face the problem directly!Thanks
- When you nag, scold, or get angry, you might unintentionally escalate the conflict and give the person more excuses and ammunition to deny responsibility.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.
- ↑ Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior.html
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/passive-aggressive/
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/managing-smart/anger-masked-smile-how-to-handle-passive-aggressive-workers
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/passive-aggressive/
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggressive-colleague
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/managing-smart/anger-masked-smile-how-to-handle-passive-aggressive-workers
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/managing-smart/anger-masked-smile-how-to-handle-passive-aggressive-workers
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/managing-smart/anger-masked-smile-how-to-handle-passive-aggressive-workers
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/just_one_thing_find_common_ground
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggressive-colleague
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior.html
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
About This Article
Article Summary
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To deal with passive aggressive behavior, try to keep a positive attitude and avoid being passive aggressive in response, even though it might not be easy. If the passive aggressiveness upsets or angers you, try to calm down by taking a walk or listening to music before addressing the issue. When you're ready to discuss the problem, be as direct and specific as possible. Additionally, don’t shy away from expressing how their behavior is making you feel in an open and honest manner. To learn how to establish boundaries around a passive aggressive person, keep reading!
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- "I really appreciate this article, as it helped me to identify my own feelings and how I have attempted to suppress my own angry feelings. I am aware that I am angry about another person's passive-aggressive communication toward me and how I have attempted to avoid this person, as I find them critical and at times downright unpleasant. I really have learned a great deal just by reading the article and identifying the feelings of frustration, anger, feeling drained. " ..." more
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"I really appreciate this article, as it helped me to identify my own feelings and how I have attempted to suppress my own angry feelings. I am aware that I am angry about another person's passive-aggressive communication toward me and how I have attempted to avoid this person, as I find them critical and at times downright unpleasant. I really have learned a great deal just by reading the article and identifying the feelings of frustration, anger, feeling drained. "
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"It put things in perspective when dealing with a passive aggressive man. You feel like it's always your fault, but this article helped me realize that how he feels about me actually doesn't have anything to do with me, but everything to do with him."
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"Reading the examples helped me see passive-aggressive behavior in my significant other. I find his behavior to be negative, draining and frustrating. I prefer a more-open communication that is shared, enlightening, and compassionate."
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"Good to understand my partner's behavior at long last, like the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way and isn't willing to compromise (or agrees to compromise but then doesn't) and his refusal to discuss anything touchy."
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