9 Effective Ways to Handle Passive-Aggressive Comments

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Expert tips to deal with passive behavior in person or over text
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When someone directs a passive-aggressive comment your way, you may find yourself upset or angry. While passive-aggressive behavior isn’t fun to be on the other side of, there are ways you can respond to the comment and stop the behavior. Staying focused on the present moment, active listening, and using humor or only just some examples. Read on to learn how you can be more assertive and cleverly express your thoughts to redirect passive-aggressive behavior and comments.

Things You Should Know

  • Address passive-aggressive comments with clear language and a calm tone to express your feelings without escalating the situation.
  • Tell a joke or silly comment to help diffuse tension and move the conversation along.
  • Use “I” statements when addressing passive-aggressive behavior to avoid putting blame on anyone else.
1

Identify the behavior.

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  1. If someone says something passive-aggressively, it means that their comment has undermined something you’ve done or a value of yours. The comment likely has an underlying meaning. While you might not be able to hear it right away, it automatically makes you question or feel worse about yourself. Some examples include: [1]
    • A colleague using patronizing phrases like, “Per my last email…” or “Do you comprehend what I’m saying?”
    • A family member giving back-handed compliments like, “You look more professional with your tattoos covered” or “You look prettier with makeup.”
    • A friend texting, “I’m not mad” or “K.”
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2

Stay cool.

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  1. When someone makes a passive-aggressive comment, you may feel the need to defend yourself or make similar accusations about them. Try to avoid taking the bait—getting upset will likely do little good to change their habits and only aggravate them further. [2]
    • Instead, act like what they said didn’t bother you. Try taking some deep breaths, count to 5, or even smile. Then, respond with something like, "How about we work together on this or figure out what we can do to make this better?"
3

Stay focused on the present.

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  1. After someone makes a snide or passive-aggressive comment, you may feel like bringing up the past or comparing the current situation to past transgressions they’ve made. While this may seem like the right thing to do in the moment, it can actually lead to more arguments. Stay focused on what’s currently happening rather than talking about past grievances to target the present problem. [3]
    • For example, if the current passive-aggressive comment is about the way you clean the dishes, don't talk about the commenter’s recurring lack of cleanliness around the house.
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4

Be clear and assertive.

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  1. While it may be easier to ignore what’s been said and move on, if the comment bothered you, it’s important to stand up for yourself . Use clear, concise language to tell the commenter why what they’ve said bothers you. It’s okay to speak up for yourself. [4]
    • For example, you might say, “I sense that you’re upset about something. Can we talk about it?” or “I'm not sure of your intentions with that comment, but I felt hurt when you said that.”
    • If you’re nervous about speaking up, that’s okay! Try sleeping on your response and bringing it up the next day, especially if it’s something that keeps nagging at you.
    • While confronting someone about their comments is the most direct and assertive approach, avoid assuming that they’ll change because of this. Some people may continue to disregard your statements or consequences. [5]
5

Use humor.

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  1. Humor is a great ice-breaker tool that can help you and others feel more comfortable and less aggressive. So, use this to your advantage by cracking a joke or making a silly comment. [6]
    • For example, let’s say you pass by a co-worker at work and say, “Hi, how’s it going?” Maybe they ignore you. To this, you might respond with a smile and, “That good, huh?”
    • This may not work in all situations, so be careful with how you use humor. For instance, using it with a friend or colleague may be more appropriate than with a boss or authority figure.
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6

Use “I” statements.

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  1. One of the best ways to respond to passive-aggressive comments is to express why the comment has hurt you. Avoid comments that start with “you,” and instead focus on “I” and “me”—how has their comment affected you? [7]
    • For example, let’s say a concerned family member makes a passive-aggressive comment about your poor diet or health. Try saying, “I feel sad about what was said about my health. I am trying to stay healthy and continue to make efforts to change.”
    • As another example, you can say, "I understand your comments and concerns, but when statements like this are made, it upsets me.”
7

Show confidence.

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  1. Demonstrate through your body language that their comments are not impacting you. Display a calm, cool, and powerful presence that’s not threatening or passive. This can look like maintaining eye contact , uncrossing your arms, sitting up tall, and keeping your chin up. [8]
    • Practice active listening while you do this. Even if you disagree with what’s being said, it’s important to listen to the conversation. Plus, this will help you compile a strong, affirmative response.
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8

Set clear boundaries and consequences.

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  1. If someone’s being passive-aggressive to you regularly, express your boundaries and what’ll happen if they break them. This is particularly helpful in the workplace or when dealing with frustrating relatives. When well-articulated, consequences can help passive-aggressive people to rethink their behavior. [9]
    • For example, if you’re dealing with a co-worker who’s not interested in working on a team project, address the possible consequences of inaction and the importance of teamwork.
    • Try offering consequences that are less threatening and more collaborative, like, “I see that this is a frustrating situation. But each team member relies on each other to do our work. You and I, we’re a part of the team. If we can’t meet our deadline, we could be fired. Let’s help each other so that none of us faces those repercussions.”
9

Step away from the situation.

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  1. Separating or avoiding someone might be the best way to deal with a passive-aggressive person , especially if other methods of communication aren’t effective. Some people aren’t worth your time, so reconsider interactions with those who undermine you. [10]
    • If you’re texting or DMing, set down your phone or mute their number for a bit.
    • Focus on what you can control (such as who you communicate with) rather than what you can’t.
    • Talk to a therapist or counselor if you’re having a hard time dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive. They’ll be able to give you personalized support and help.
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References

  1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/passive-aggressive
  2. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
  3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_passive_aggression_from_ruining_your_relationship
  4. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/202010/5-ways-deal-passive-aggressive-people
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/6-tips-dealing-passive-aggressive-people
  7. ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201807/composure
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/6-tips-dealing-passive-aggressive-people
  1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_passive_aggression_from_ruining_your_relationship
  2. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you answer a passive aggressive question?
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    When you're on the receiving end of passive aggressiveness, the tendency is often to be on the defensive—to "take the bait." It's best to practice responding in a non-confrontational way, which you can do by imagining (or journaling through) a blind-siding insult and your non-aggressive result.
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  • Question
    What is the cause of passive aggressive behavior?
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    One of the reasons people act in a passive-aggressive manner (though it's rarely conscious) is because it confuses the person being criticized. That, in turn, protects the person doing the criticizing.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 6
  • Question
    How do you deal with a passive aggressive person?
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Stick with what you know: that your feelings have been hurt. Avoid feeling guilty, needy, or too anxious, and resist the urge to somehow help or appease this person. On the other hand, avoid the wish to get even. You can't change someone else—only your own responses and behaviors.
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