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It can feel frustrating and isolating when your mother tries to control your life. Does she offer you unsolicited advice, criticize you, or even go over your head to make decisions for you? Those are all telltale signs of a controlling mother, but the good news is, you can work to set boundaries and improve your relationship with your mother. Whether you're a grown adult or whether you still live at home, we'll show you how to push back and make space for yourself so you can feel in control of your own life.
Steps
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Remind yourself that you are in control of your life. Ultimately, a controlling mother may try and run your life, but you are in ultimate control of things. Remembering this will help you take her "suggestions" in stride, and move out from under her control.
- Every discussion doesn't have to turn into an argument -- you get to choose what gets blown up and out of proportion as well. If the advice or controlling doesn't really affect you, try to politely nod and move on with your life.
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Look at her comments as advice, not law. Instead of feeling like you need to heed her every word, start viewing her controlling statements as just another piece of advice. Acknowledge her words, and let her know you'll think about them seriously.Advertisement
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Recognize and thank her for good ideas. Show her that you are listening and you care about her opinion by thanking her when she has a good idea or helps you out. This will also make it easier to politely turn down a suggestion or break from her "established" rules, as you can show that you are objectively heeding her good advice and ignoring the bad.
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Carve out a personal space. You need a spot to go when you want to be alone, and you should use this space when you feel an unwanted fight brewing or need some time to run your own life. Separation is key to maintaining healthy, happy relationships of any kind, so make sure you have boundaries you can stick by.
- Setting boundaries is important when dealing with controlling mothers. If you want privacy in your room, ask for it and stand by your decision. Similarly, you mother should know the times you want to spend alone, such as with friends, and when not to visit.
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Make your own desires clear and consistent. Talk to your mom from time to time. She may be controlling because she doesn't know what is going on in your life. Thus, she may overreact and try and control everything about you, hoping to become a major figure again as you're growing up. Talking to your mom openly and honestly about your plans, hopes, and goals is a great way to slowly break down the need to control you.
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Notice the patterns of your mom's behavior. Are there some things she controls and some she doesn't? Are there times of the day, like after work, where she seems stressed and hard to deal with? Remember, parent's have their own lives to deal with, and it is impossible to fully separate that work life from their home persona. So, notice what issues make her controlling, and the times of the day she is most demanding. Avoid these times, or find ways to make them easier for her and lower stress.
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Remember that her desire to control you is based in love. Being a parent is hard, hard work. Moms are tasked with raising needy, clueless children into responsible, helpful adults, all while living their own lives as well. You mean the world to your mom, and her methods may seem controlling to you, but that is only because she wants the best life for her son or daughter. Recognizing that she comes from a place of love will make it easier to accept her for her controlling tendencies.
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Let go of expectations. Chances are, even if your mother has been extremely controlling all of your life, you still are holding out hope that someday she might change. She may eventually change, but that will be up to her. You have to make peace with how she is now and stop wishing for her to suddenly become a different person.
- When you hold on to expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you didn't expect your mother to magically release her controlling hold on you, her not fulfilling that expectation wouldn't hurt so bad.
- By expecting her to change, you are also removing responsibility from yourself. No, you are not responsible for how your mother controlled your life in the past. You are responsible for how you allow her to continue to do this into the future.
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Stop constantly trying to please her. Your mother may be at fault for being overbearing and controlling, but you are at fault for constantly playing into her hand. Your trying to always satisfy her has only reinforced her controlling nature. [1] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there's always at least one person who will remain unhappy: you.
- Of course, it's important to respect your mother, and maybe even consider her point-of-view. Plus, bending a little might put you in her good graces. Still, you don't have to always bend to her way of thinking simply to make her happy or prevent discord in your relationship.
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Refrain from accepting money from your mother. If at all possible, you need to cut off financial ties. If you are an adult who has been steadily accepting money from your mother over the years, then she may think her contribution earns her the right to make choices for you.
- Your mom might think you are incapable of taking on adult responsibilities if you have been requiring extra money from her to make purchases or pay bills. Handling your own expenses will show her that you are a responsible adult who doesn't need managing.
- Teens and young adults can demonstrate autonomy by spending more carefully or getting a part-time job to make their own money. Yes, you may still live under your mother's roof, but you can express disagreement with your mother more easily if you are pulling some of your own weight in the household.
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Set boundaries. It may seem harsh to draw lines when it comes to your mother. But, if her excessive need for control is causing you distress, you need to devise a solution that allows you to assert yourself as an adult.
- Does you mother call you throughout the day, reminding you to do this or that? Tell her that you will start putting reminders in your phone, and that she no longer needs to do this. Try to limit phone conversation to one per day, with the exception of emergencies.
- Does your mother frequently drop by your house, or enter your room and go through your things? Sit down with her and tell her how this bothers you and hinders your ability to blossom into a fully functioning adult. Make an agreement for her to limit visitations to certain days of the week. And in the case of living in the same house, she should only enter your room in your presence and after knocking. [2] X Research source
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Get some distance. If your mom's excessive need for controlling is really troubling you, and she doesn't seem to be willing to change, it may be necessary for you to distance yourself from her for a while.
- Emotional and psychological distance may consist of sharing less of your personal life with your mother, which gives her little opportunity to interfere. When she inquires about a sensitive subject that you know she will be controlling about, gently tell her you would rather not talk about it.
- Distance can also be physical such as moving to a new city or coming home to visit her less often. Keep in mind, that this is an extreme mode of action. Family can be one of the biggest support systems you have, so moving away from them can be daunting to both parties. However, if you think it's the only way to live your life on your own terms, then go for it.
- As you plan to get distance from your mother, try to include her in the process. Reassure her that you have and will always love her. You will still be her daughter or son. You just need more space to grow into the person you want to be.
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Think clearly about what's bothering you. Make a list of all the things you want to discuss with her. In what areas does your mother's controlling become too much? Your appearance? Your career choices? Your relationships? Your children? If your list is really long, try to condense it and focus on the things that get under your skin the most. [3] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.- Preparing to discuss your mother's control problem is a smart idea in order to easily present your argument and minimize any unnecessary hurt feelings. Plus, the earlier you confront your mother, the better. Overbearing parents can create trouble in future relationships and be a detriment to your problem-solving abilities. [4] X Research source
- If you think it will help, practice in the mirror what you think you will say, or have a friend or partner act the scenario out with you.
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Request that your mom meet you in a neutral environment. A controlling mother can swiftly guilt-trip you or take over a discussion if she is in comfortable territory. Meet in a public place so that the discussion feels formal, and so that both you and your mother have no choice but to keep your tempers on a leash.
- Suggested locations to have this talk can be at a restaurant over lunch, at a coffee shop, or on a park bench. Avoid talking while driving or over the phone. A face-to-face conversation is a must.
- Be sure to give your mom a heads up as to why the two of you are meeting. Don't blindside her with a serious discussion. Let her know that you have some things on your mind you would like to talk to her about.
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Use "I" statements during your talk. Psychologists and interpersonal communications experts say that using this form of communication is less likely to make a person defensive and more likely to persuade them to cooperate.
- Say things like, "I feel like you are controlling me when you tell me how to dress or how my hair should look. In the future, could you be more mindful that I have different tastes than you?" instead of "You make me upset when you keep bugging me about my hair or clothing choices."
- By using the "I" statement, you are taking ownership for your feelings rather than presenting them as though they are entirely your mother's fault. [5]
X
Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. This tactic can make her more empathetic to your situation.
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Be gentle. If your mother tries to control your life all the time, you may get very upset. Still, keep in mind that she is your mother, so try to be easy on her and not bash all her parenting skills. It's highly possible that she is not even aware of her behavior, and once you point the problem out to her she will be willing to adjust her controlling attitude.
- Another tactic to minimize her hurt feelings is by using the "sandwich method". This is a form of constructive criticism in which a critical statement is sandwiched between two complimentary statements. [6] X Research source
- One suggestion for an adult with a controlling mother might look like this: "Mom, you have been very helpful with the new baby. But, [spouse] and I feel like you are not respecting our parenting choices. With a few adjustments, I feel like we will all get along really well."
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Learn to stand your ground. It's important to pick and choose your battles with your mother. In some cases, her voicing her opinion about this or that is virtually harmless. [7] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. However, when the two of your are at odds about an important matter, you need to assert yourself. [8] X Research source- With important topics such as choosing a college major or taking a job, assert your opinion and remind her that the decision will ultimately affect you the most. Demonstrate confidence in your decisions, and she will respect your voice more.
- Do your research and provide a list of pros and cons about your choice. Doing so will impress her and show her that you are not making any decisions impulsively, but thinking things over to decide what's best.
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Bend -- a little. This may be the last thing you want to hear, but learning to pick your battles also means, at some point, you will actually take your mother's advice. Remember, that you only want to bend on issues that aren't huge decisions affecting your future.
- By giving in on some occasions, you are more likely to earn credit with your mother. Therefore, during times when you are firm on your decision, you can subtly remind her that you took her advice on other matters but you really want to be the one who makes the choice on the current one.
- Your attitude also could make a major difference in how controlling your mom is in your life. Bend a little by expressing your gratitude for thoughtful solutions and suggestions she has given you in the past. This method will demonstrate to your mom that you are at least listening to her point-of-view, even if your final decision is your own and not hers. [9] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source
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Warnings
- Be aware that bringing up the issue of your mother's controlling might cause her to develop resentment toward you or deny it completely.Thanks
- Know that setting boundaries or getting distance from your mother may result in you feeling sad or depressed. Children naturally want their parents to be apart of their lives. Perhaps once your mother sees the consequences of her control problem, she might come around to your side of the fence.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/07/stop-trying-to-please-everyone
- ↑ https://family.jrank.org/pages/1473/Self-Disclosure-Parents-Child-Privacy.html
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.foxnews.com/health/guilt-trip-controlling-parents-hurt-kids-future-relationships
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.upstate.edu/com/document/giving_feedback-dos-and-donts.pdf
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/How-to-Communicate-with-a-Teenager.aspx
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Reader Success Stories
- "My mother and I used to have it out for each other. I know it was out of concern, but it didn't help that I wanted to please her but my actions were the opposite. The worst thing was I kept all my feeling to myself, so there was no release and lots of misunderstanding. Now I tell her how I feel at that moment. She's beginning to change too." ..." more
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"My mother and I used to have it out for each other. I know it was out of concern, but it didn't help that I wanted to please her but my actions were the opposite. The worst thing was I kept all my feeling to myself, so there was no release and lots of misunderstanding. Now I tell her how I feel at that moment. She's beginning to change too."
..."
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"My mom is unbelievably controlling but this passge was super helpful and you should try it some day too or now!"
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