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Learn to communicate and determine if you're in a toxic relationship
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If you always feel like your partner thinks you're wrong, it can put a strain on your relationship. The best tactic is to have a discussion with your partner about how it makes you feel. However, if your partner actually does always think you're wrong (as in, they always blame you/never give in in an argument), you may be dealing with a narcissist , which makes it the situation more difficult. You also need to consider whether you are in a toxic relationship , where the best option is likely to be leaving the relationship.
Handling a Partner Who Thinks You’re Always Wrong
Address the issue as soon as possible, and use “I feel” statements to avoid placing blame on your partner. Let them know how their words and actions make you feel, and actively listen to what they have to say in response. Work together to come up with a solution and seek relationship counseling if needed.
Steps
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Confront the issue soon. It's important to discuss the issue with your partner, as they may not even realize that they always assume you're wrong. You may be inclined to avoid the issue, but that will only continue to drive a wedge between you and your partner. It's best to confront the issue head-on if possible. [1] X Research source
- Plus, if you avoid the problem too long, you may find that you start having bursts of anger at your partner, which puts a strain on your relationship.
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Think through what you want to say. It can help to take a few moments and think about what you'd actually like to say to your partner. You don't want a typed-out speech, as that will distance you from your partner. However, having a general idea of what you what to say is good, particularly choosing a few phrases that can get your point across without making your partner feel horrible. [2] X Research sourceAdvertisement
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Pick a time to have the conversation . It can be helpful to give your partner a head's up that you want to have a discussion. That way, your partner won't feel ambushed with what you have to say. Additionally, it gives you both a chance to pick a good time together. [3] X Research source
- For example, you could say, "I'd like to have a discussion about the way we argue, particularly the way I feel like I always end up being in the wrong. When's a good time for you?"
- If your situation differs a bit, you could say something like, "I'd like to have a discussion with you about how I feel my opinion is often not valued. When can we talk?"
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Use an "I" statement. When discussing the problem with your partner, the most effective way to talk about is to use "I" statements. That is, talk about what's wrong starting with "I," focusing on your feelings, rather than starting with "you," which sounds like you're blaming the other person. Using "I" statements is generally more effective at opening a dialogue. [4] X Research source
- For instance, you might say, "I feel like that most of the time I end up being 'wrong' in an argument or discussion. I get upset because you're insistent that you're correct, and I end up giving up on the issue."
- Alternatively, you could say, "I feel like you don't respect my opinion or expertise in most situations. It makes me upset to always be in the wrong."
- On the other hand, "You always think you're right and I'm wrong" isn't a good way to start the conversation.
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Listen to what the other person has to say. If you go into the discussion planning a monologue, that won't be effective. You have to be able to listen to what the other person has to say, as you are trying to communicate back and forth about a problem, so you both need a chance to be heard. [5] X Research source
- Your partner may surprise you with what they have to say. For instance, you may find that they feel the same, that you always think they're wrong. Once you realize that you both feel that way, you can work towards having better communication in the future.
- To get your partner talking, make sure to give them an opening in the conversation. For example, you could say, "Now that I've said my spiel, I want to hear from you. What are you thinking and feeling?"
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Gauge your partner's reaction. After listening to what your partner says about this particular topic, consider what's behind the words. How your partner ends up responding could indicate they're willing to work on the issue and the relationship. On the other hand, what they say may indicate your problem runs deeper, and you may want to seek counseling or end the relationship . [6] X Research source
- For instance, if your partner says, "Well, that's just stupid. You are wrong most of the time," that's not a very supportive or open response.
- On the other hand, a response such as, "I hadn't realized that I made you feel that way. That is a problem. Let's figure out how we can work together to resolve this issue," is a supportive response that shows they are willing to work with you. From there, you could say, "I'm glad to hear you say that. Here's what I think a good solution would be:"
- Listen to how your partner responds. If your partner cannot reciprocate the "I" statement or if they start blaming you again, it might be a sign that they are not willing to work it out.
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Work on a solution. Once you've both had your chance to speak, discuss how you can both do better moving ahead. Discuss ways you think could solve the problem, and ask your partner to come up with ways they think the problem could be solved. [7] X Research source
- For example, maybe you could have a safe word to halt an argument and evaluate who's feeling like the other person is saying they're "wrong." Just stopping in the middle of an argument to evaluate how each of you is feeling can help to bridge the communication gap.
- Alternatively, you could agree that you'll point out to your partner when you think that they're not valuing your opinion or expertise.
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Consider counseling. If your partner seems receptive to change but you can't figure out how to move forward, consider seeing a professional. Find a counselor in your area who can help you work through your problems. If you're not sure who to see, consider asking close friends if they have any recommendations. [8] X Research source
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Think about the power structure. Your partner blaming you could be a part of a larger problem. They could be trying to manipulate you, gaining power over you and the relationship. If they do that consistently, it's likely emotional abuse, and you need to think about whether you should stay in the relationship or not. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source If you decide to stay, you need to start to stand up for yourself by asserting yourself in the relationship.
- That is, think about whether your partner uses tactics like thinking and telling you that you're always wrong to change the way you act or to gaslight you (convince you that what you know to be true is wrong).
- In other words, say you go to a movie, and you think that the main character was rude. Afterwards, your partner tries to convince you that you're wrong, saying things like, "The character wasn't rude; he was just standing up for himself. You just don't know how to stand up for yourself. You're weak, which is why you couldn't get along without me."
- Your partner is using emotional abuse to convince you that what you think or feel is wrong, with the intention of gaining control over you. In this situation, you could say, "I disagree, and I have a right to my opinion. That character called his wife a dirty name with no remorse. That's rude."
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Strong bonds are built on respect. Any type of mind game (e.g., guilt-tripping, cutting off affection, etc.) can really mess up the relationship. You and your partner's focus should be on each other and what brings you together, not on potential power struggles.
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Look for ways your partner manipulates you. Telling you you're wrong is one way of manipulating you, but you may find other ways your partner is doing that once you start looking. That is, your partner may be trying to bend you to fulfill their needs. [10] X Research source Just identifying the ways your partner manipulates you can help you to start changing the relationship. However, once you identify those times, you can start resisting that manipulation.
- For example, your partner may make you feel guilty, even about things you should be enjoying. If you decide what movie to go see, your partner might say, afterwards, "Well, I'm glad you're happy, but that wouldn't have been my first choice. I mean, obviously that other movie would've been better, but you had to see that one, so I guess it's okay." You could reply, "You're not going to make me feel bad about seeing that movie. I enjoyed it, and I'm glad we went."
- They may also make you feel bad because of the insecurities they hold. Maybe you decide to go out one night with your friends, and your partner doesn't like it, saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't like you going out with your friends. I should be enough for you, right?" You could say in return, "It sounds like you're feeling a bit insecure about my other relationships. I do value our relationship, but I also value my friendships. I can value those friendships without devaluing our relationship."
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Don't take responsibility for their feelings. Your partner may also make you take the responsibility for the way they feel. They might say, "It's your fault that I'm angry. You didn't do this the way you should have." The only person who should be responsible for their emotions is that person. Try to refrain from apologizing for the person's emotion. Instead, you could say, "I hear that you're upset. I'm sorry I didn't do this the way you wanted, but I did try. Your anger seems misplaced. What are you really mad at?" [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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Resist their attempts to put you down. Another way a relationship can be toxic is if your partner turns your own insecurities against you. They can use the way you feel about yourself or the world to keep you under their thumb, always staying because you feel like you're not good enough. [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- For instance, your partner might say something like, "It's a good thing you're with me because you're getting kind of chubby. No one else would have you." You could say, "That's kind of rude. I'm proud of my body, and I won't let you shame me for it."
- While you can try to counter this type of talk, you should consider whether it's worth the emotional pain to stay in the relationship.
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Consider whether you both benefit from the relationship. When you're with someone, it should be give and take. You both should be giving to the other partner things that they need in terms of support. Now, think about your relationship. Do you receive as much as you give? Are you getting the support you need out of the relationship? If you're not, it may be time to think about ending the relationship. [13] X Research source
- You can discuss this with your partner. You could say, "I feel like I give more to this relationship than I take. I have needs that aren't being met."
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Decide if you think your partner feels superior. Since your partner always thinks you're wrong, there's a possibility that they may think they're superior. That is, if your partner feels superior to you in every way, they are more likely to to try to convince you that they're right and you're wrong. [14] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Does your partner make statements that could indicate they feel superior? For instance, they might say (in seriousness, not jest), "Well, you know I'm smarter, so obviously I'm right."
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Look to see if you are constantly changing to what they want. A narcissist literally thinks the world revolves around them. They expect to go to dinner where they want, watch what they want, and show up when they want without consequences. The problem is, they hold you to a different standard. [15] X Research source
- That is, a narcissist has no problem showing up very late (even an hour or more) without an apology. If you do that, you may find you're expected to apologize and never do it again.
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Check to see if nothing meets their standards. Narcissists often have very high standards. Because they have trouble seeing outside themselves, they can't see how certain expectations may be too much. They also don't see all the hard work you have put into doing something. That's why it will likely seem like they always expect more than what you have to give. Also, they'll be much more likely to remember the things that haven't gone right than to remember the good things you've done. [16] X Research source
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Try empathy . This advice may seem counter-intuitive, but often people's narcissism or borderline narcissism stems from insecurity. That is, many narcissistic people feel like they aren't good enough, and they compensate by being extremely egotistical. In turn, one way you can work with a partner who is narcissistic is to try to understand their insecurities and help the person work through them. [17] X Research source
- For instance, maybe you notice that your partner becomes particularly narcissistic when you decide to go out with your friends. In turn, that may indicate that they feel like they aren't enough for you. You can help reassure them.
- You could say, "I'm going to go out with my friends tonight. That seems to bother you sometimes. Can you tell me why?"
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Describe your needs. If the person is a narcissist, they may have a hard time figuring out what you need because they have a difficult time getting out of their own head. If that's the case, you may need to clearly state the needs you have in your relationship, so your partner has an idea of how to respond. [18] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, "I feel like you always assume that I'm wrong. Can we work on that together?"
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Realize that you can't always make it work with a narcissist. If your partner is only borderline narcissistic, you may be able to make a relationship work. However, if your partner is more than borderline, you may find it difficult to make a relationship work . For one thing, you will start to lose your sense of self as you continually give in to your partner. Consider whether staying in a relationship with the person is really a good idea. [19] X Research source
- If your partner refuses to see your point of view or if they are frequently manipulating you, do not hesitate to make plans to end the relationship. Counseling can help you with this process.
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7Create an exit strategy. It may not be possible to change your partner's habits without a professional intervention with a counselor. If your partner manipulates or verbally abuses you, you should have a plan in place to end the relationship in a healthy manner.
- A counselor or therapist can help you develop strategies to help you end the relationship.
- If you are married, you may want to start talking to attorneys to consider your options for divorce.
- If you live with your partner, start thinking about where you can stay after you break up. Can you live with friends or family? Are you prepared to move into a new place on your own?
- Set goals for the future. Where do you want to be in a year? Focus on your goals, and you may be able to leave a narcissistic partner in the past. [20] X Research source
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201509/7-ways-make-your-most-difficult-conversations-easier
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/having-difficult-conversations/
- ↑ https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening-techniques/
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/how-should-i-end-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/
- ↑ https://www.thespark.org.uk/counselling/what-is-relationship-counselling/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/01/are-you-being-influenced-or-manipulated
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-signs-youre-manipulated-friendship/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
- ↑ https://www.wtcsb.org/spotting-toxic-and-healthy-relationship-traits/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
- ↑ https://wellbeingscounselling.ca/9-signs-in-a-relationship-with-narcissist-partner/
- ↑ https://www.btr.org/narcissistic-husband/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-deal-with-narcissists/
- ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/is-my-partner-a-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=how-to-make-love-last-forever-1-2873
- ↑ https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/too-much-focus-trying-understand-narcissist-very-much-part-problem
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you are dealing with a partner who thinks you’re always wrong, try talking to them before the behavior puts too much of a strain on your relationship. While you might want to avoid the situation, your partner may not realize they’re hurting you, so confront the situation head-on. When discussing the issue with your partner, use “I” statements, like “I feel like I am always wrong in arguments and discussions. I get upset because you’re insistent that you’re right, and I end up giving up on the issue.” Then, listen to what your partner has to say about it. Once you’ve both had a chance to speak, talk about how you can do better moving forward. For example, you might come up with a safe word to halt an argument if you feel like you’re being put down. To learn how to handle a toxic relationship, keep reading!
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