How to Find Your Gay Best Friend

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If the hit 90s TV show, “Will and Grace” was one of your favorites, you may be yearning for that perfect gay best friend (GBF). The friend who, aside from being totally hot, knows you like the back of their hand, offering sage insightful advice and is always there to help you pick up the pieces after a dating disaster.

This stereotype has caused people to start looking for their own GBFs, and caused some gay men to feel pressured to fit themselves into that box. However, a real friendship is built on mutual caring, so here's how to find a best friend instead of a decorative accessory.

Method 1
Method 1 of 2:

Finding a Friend

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  1. 1
    Ask yourself what you're looking for. Are you looking to meet a superficial stereotype, or make a genuine connection with a friend? Not every gay person likes shopping, doing your hair, painting nails, or saying things like "fabulous!" If this is all you're looking for, stop. You don't want to try to fit a person into a stereotypical box that might be very uncomfortable for them. Are you looking for...
    • Someone who likes fashion?
    • Someone uncomplicated, who won't try to date with you, or compete with you for dates?
    • Someone sassy and original?
    • Someone caring and good at listening?
    • Someone to show off as a symbol of how trendy or progressive you are?
    • Think about the qualities you would like your friend to have, such as being supportive, kind, thoughtful, funny, or honest. [1]
    • Connecting with others who have similar values like you can go a long way toward making good friendships. [2]
  2. 2
    Look for people who fit the traits that you want in a friend. People don't have to be gay to be trendy, fun, or good at listening, so don't limit yourself.
    • Do you want a lover of fashion? Find friendly faces at malls or beauty parlors.
    • Do you want someone uncomplicated? Look for an honest person with healthy self-esteem, who won't play games.
    • Do you want someone fun? Look for someone with a flashy, spontaneous personality.
    • Do you want someone to listen to you and care? Look for an understanding, loving person with a more mature attitude.
    • Do you want someone to show off? Stop and look at your motivations, because trying to turn a person into a trophy isn't how a healthy friendship begins.
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  3. 3
    Remember that every gay person is unique. Just like straight people, gay people can be fashionable or clueless, sporty or un-athletic, sassy or straight-laced, supportive or distant, friendly or gruff, and any other mix of personality traits. [3] [4] Even if you believe you must have that flamboyant gay man to be your GBF, consider first the person inside––what you are looking for is a true friend, not a decorative accessory. [5] [6]
    • Have you ever been stereotyped? Do you remember being hurt, angry, or confused? You don't want to do that to a friend (or anyone). Even if you "mean it in a nice way." [7]
    • Pressuring someone to fit the stereotype isn't fair, and may make them feel like they aren't allowed to be themselves around you. [8]
    • Make sure your friendship is mutual. While you might be seeking fashion or relationship advice, witty conversation and self-esteem boosting or any other sources of support, your friend is also looking for your support and advice. Be prepared to love, spoil and defend your friend. [12]
  4. 4
    Don't push friendship with someone who isn't interested. Not every gay person will want to be your friend. That's fine. Even if you think someone's personality could be a good fit, they might not feel interested. Don't pressure someone who has said no.
    • Just because someone doesn't want to be friends doesn't make you or them a bad person. Maybe they're busy, too introverted to want more friends than they already have, or just not a great fit for you personally.
    • Nobody likes a condescending person who thinks that anyone who knows them should feel grateful. If this is your underlying motivation, any friendship you form will be doomed to fail.
  5. 5
    Take your time and look for someone who “gets you”. Treat your search as you would do for any friend-seeking mission by being open-minded, available to talk, non-judgmental and thoughtful. Moreover, bear in mind that, as with any friendship, you cannot force a relationship. Trying to tie down someone as your GBF by being overbearing and pushy will result in someone getting hurt and someone feeling used. Your friendship must be gradual, organic and a good click between the two of you.
    • Your best friend should be someone who gets your sense of humor or understands your love of animals, for example.
    • A best friend doesn’t judge you when you are down and knows exactly what to do to pick you up. In turn, you don't judge either and you are prepared to pitch in when your friend's life is down.
    • You’ll get each other’s jokes and want to share secrets because you know you can trust the other person. Trust is very important in any relationship, so be sure to develop this from the outset.
  6. 6
    Look for friends in areas where your interests are. Are you looking for someone who loves fashion? Make friends at the beauty parlor. Someone who loves to shop? Look for friendly faces at the mall.
    • Work. Work can be a great place to meet new friends since there’s either a good chance you both have a passion for what you do or can share moans and groans about the job together.
    • School and varsity. In addition to certain clubs, you may find new friends who are studying the same major as you in high school or college. In fact, there’s a good chance you could meet some interesting people working on group projects or studying for exams in English or history class.
    • Clubs, volunteering, and sports. These are great ways to find people with common interests.
    • Bookstores, libraries, and universities. These sometimes sponsor lectures and discussions that can help you find people with common interests.
    • Gyms.
    • Social clubs and nightclubs. Spend time in places where people socialize.
    • Hairstylists, fashion consultants, and retailers. Look for friendly lovers of fashion. If you get along well with someone, offer to see them socially as well as professionally.
    • Friends of friends. Many people love to play "friendship matchmaker," and would be happy to introduce you to someone who they feel might get along with you.
    • Think about the activities you enjoy doing, be active in pursuing those activities, and try to be open to starting up conversations with people you meet while taking part in those activities. [10]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 2:

Keeping a Friend

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  1. 1
    Learn about LGBT+ issues. If you're going to make LGBT+ friends, it helps to know how to be a good friend, and what ignorant remarks to avoid. Your friends already have to deal with enough prejudice in the world, and they don't need any more from you (even if it's accidental).
    • Reader Poll: We asked 695 wikiHow readers how to support a friend questioning their sexuality, and 8% said they would offer to take them to LGBTQ+ events or groups. [Take Poll] While this may not be the best strategy according to our readers, learn more about LGBT+ issues so you can be a good friend.
  2. 2
    Develop a relationship that is a two-way street. On TV and in films, the relationship seems to be all about one character and how their gay friend is always coming to the rescue. Obviously real-life relationships don’t work like that, so when it comes to your new friendship, treat it as you would any other relationship.
    • Be a good listener. Perhaps your friend is going through a tough time or is trying to work out their own relationship issues. Remember that it’s a give and take relationship, with your supportive input being just as vital.
    • Don’t stereotype. If your new friend is gay, they won't automatically like fashion, shopping, or other stereotypical interests. Take time to know them for who they are, and find what you have in common.
    • Take an interest in their passions or dreams. One of the great aspects of friendship is sharing common interests while also learning more about each other's. For example, if your friend is a marathon runner, be the number one cheerleader at the finish line or attempt to enter one yourself. Or, if beach clean-up efforts are your friend’s passion, be the first one at the beach with rake in hand.
    • Support them. During times of crisis, who do you turn to? Your best friend, of course. Be the kind of BFF that your new friend can lean on and depend upon during times of crisis or emergency.
  3. 3
    Avoid outing your LGBT+ friend without consent. Some people are worried about facing discrimination, so even if they tell you about their orientation, they might not be ready for other people to know. Don't talk about your friend's orientation unless they have told you it's okay.
    • It may be worth asking them who they've come out to. For example, maybe they're out at school and with their sister, but not with the rest of their family.
  4. 4
    Be prepared to be there for the long haul. While over time some friendships do change, the ultimate aim is to be with your best friends always, learning from them, growing and changing with them and always been there, whatever distance and changes occur between you.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I tell my gay best friend that I like them?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Being honest is the best way to handle this. When we aren’t honest, we create barriers that can block connection and trust. Being upfront helps you stay true to yourself and keeps things real. Find a comfortable, private place to talk with your best friend where you both feel relaxed. Keep it simple by telling them how you feel. Be clear that you're not expecting any particular reaction, and it's okay if they don't feel the same way. The goal here is just being honest and keeping things open and respectable. This will give both of you the time and space to think things through moving forward.
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    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 0
  • Question
    Any tips if my friends have abandoned me for being gay?
    Community Answer
    You need to find some new, more accepting friends. If your friends abandoned you because of something you can't control, they're not worth having around.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 55
  • Question
    So I have a GBF, but some of my other friends don't think it's right for me and him to be friends. So what should I do?
    Community Answer
    Your friends are wrong. There's no reason why it wouldn't be 'right' for you two to be friends, unless he's mistreating you or something. If you care about the friendship, stay friends and don't worry about what people say.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Warnings

      • Don't become friends with a gay person of a different gender, hoping to change them so they will "play for the other team" and start dating you. If they're gay, that's the way nature intended it to be, so don't try to change them.
        Thanks
        Helpful 25 Not Helpful 1
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201809/6-rules-healthy-friendships
      2. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/11-secrets-to-choosing-th_b_6038658
      3. ↑ https://www.elitedaily.com/life/no-desire-to-be-gay-best-friend/1824771
      4. ↑ https://www.theodysseyonline.com/gay-best-friend-stereotype
      5. ↑ https://babe.net/2016/07/12/doesnt-want-gay-best-friend-2101
      6. ↑ https://junkee.com/gay-best-friend-tv-trope/103380
      7. ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-duca/the-gay-best-friend-effect-a-friendly-takedown-of-benevolent-stereotyping_b_3677329.html
      8. ↑ https://dailyutahchronicle.com/2015/10/14/gay-best-friend-stereotype-needs-to-stop/
      9. ↑ Derek Blasberg, Classy , pp.126-127, (2010), ISBN 978-59514-279-5
      1. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/11-secrets-to-choosing-th_b_6038658
      2. Derek Blasberg, Classy , (2010), ISBN 978-59514-279-5 – Research source.

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