How to Fix a Broken Relationship After Breaking Up

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Have you been longing to fix the relationship between you and an ex? Couples who break up get back together all the time, and when done with care, a renewed relationship can be happy and long-lasting. But first, you'll need to identify the problems that led to your breakup, take steps to address them and make sure that your ex is committed to doing the same. To help you along the way, here's our comprehensive guide to fixing a broken relationship after breaking up.

1

Take some time to think.

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  1. [1] If you genuinely care for your ex, feel ready to move forward, and want to see if there's a chance to work things out, then you've got a good reason to reunite with them. If you're just lonely or sad after the breakup, you may want to reconsider. [2]
    • Keep in mind that an unhealthy relationship isn't worth salvaging. [3] If your ex made you feel unsafe and didn't respect you, it's better leave them behind. [4]
    • It can also help talk about it with a friend or family member you trust. They can help you take an honest look at the relationship—the good and the bad parts.
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2

Reach out to your ex.

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  1. [5] Talk about the problems in your past relationship and work to understand why you broke up. Look back on each stage of the relationship; determine what brought you together and what caused you to drift apart. Confirm that you're both serious about trying again. [6]
    • You and your ex may have different perspectives about your relationship problems, so listen carefully to one another.
    • If your partner broke up with you, try to put yourself in their shoes to understand why they ended the relationship.
    • Remind them of the good things about the relationship and keep in touch. [7]
3

Apologize for your mistakes.

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  1. Acknowledge your hurtful actions, explain why you acted that way, and recognize how they made your ex feel. Then, tell your ex your plan to fix the issue and share any progress you've made. [8]
    • "I'm sorry I was late for so many dates. I always got carried away at work, and as a result, I made you feel undervalued. I felt like I had something to prove in my career, but now I understand that being there for you is more important."
    • An apology can absolutely help mend a relationship—just be sure to put your words into action.
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4

Forgive your partner's mistakes.

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  1. For a new relationship to work, it's important to let go of past mistakes and work together toward a better future. Think about how you've dealt with your feelings so far and actively decide to forgive your ex. Understand your ex's actions, try to feel compassion for their situation, and release your negative emotions. [9]
    • Forgiveness isn't easy, but ultimately it's the healthiest choice for you. Resentment can impact your mental health if it goes unaddressed.
    • Your decision to forgive (or not) is deeply personal and should not be made under pressure from your ex. Make your decision freely and in your own time.
5

Commit to repairing the relationship.

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  1. Picture a brighter future, and then ask each other what steps you can take to make that future a reality. Tell your partner what you need from the new relationship, and listen to their ideas as well. Create a plan that addresses both of your needs. [10]
    • Be flexible and open to change. Both of you will probably request certain ground rules, so do your best to either agree or compromise.
    • Whatever you do, don't play games. Be serious about repairing the relationship. [11]
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6

Rebuild the trust between you.

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  1. Always tell the truth, keep your promises, and own up to your mistakes. Be consistent so your partner knows they can rely on you for anything. Ultimately, trusting each other is a decision you both have to make. [12]
    • If you say you're going to call your partner at 7 PM, make sure you do it. No matter how small the promise is, stick to your word.
    • Make sure that you both feel like you're part of the same team. There are no "sides in a relationship," just you and your partner working together for a bright future.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 353 wikiHow readers who are considering getting back together with their ex, and 52% said that their biggest fear is repeating the same mistakes and just ending up hurt again . [Take Poll] Getting back together with an ex can be amazing—but it’s important to make sure that things are different this time, so that they end differently too.
7

Communicate openly and often.

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  1. Learn to be comfortable expressing how you feel, and practice active listening when your partner is talking. Try setting a timer when you talk so that each of you has enough time to speak your mind without interruption. [13]
    • Express your needs to your partner. Don't make them guess.
    • Send positive nonverbal cues when you talk (make eye contact, lean forward, and touch their hand, etc.).
    • Make gratitude a habit. When your partner does something that you appreciate, tell them so. [14]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 122 wikiHow readers who've dealt with conflict in a relationship, and 55% of them agreed that the most crucial step in rebuilding trust is open and honest communication . [Take Poll]
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8

Resolve conflicts respectfully.

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  1. Stay focused on the issue at hand, use "I" statements to avoid direct verbal attacks, respect your partner's values, and take a step back when your temper flares. Compromise will also help you work out your differences. [15]
    • A good "I" statement is, "I feel lonely when you go out with friends and don't invite me." It focuses on your feelings, whereas an accusation like, "You never want to spend time with me!" causes more conflict.
    • Remember that "winning" isn't your goal; instead, aim to meet halfway so that both of your needs are met.
    • Arguments are a totally normal part of relationships. As you enter a renewed relationship, look at conflict as a way to grow together and strengthen your bond.
9

Build intimacy together.

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  1. Initiate kisses, hugs, cuddling sessions, and other touches your partner likes. Maintain a healthy sex life, and respect your partner's sexual preferences. Set aside quality time to bond as a couple, whether you're going on adventurous dates or spending a quiet night talking at home. [16]
    • Don't underestimate the importance of holding your partner's hand or hugging them when they have a bad day. Sex is important for many couples, but it shouldn't be the only physical intimacy you share.
    • Communication also builds intimacy, which is why it's so important to share your needs and preferences with your partner.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Keep the romance alive by showing you care with consistent effort. Plan fun outings together, carve out quality time for each other, and include them in outings with family and friends.

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10

Focus on the future.

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  1. [17] Once you've forgiven one another, there's no need to keep bringing up those old issues. Stay optimistic and concentrate on building a better future together, leaving old grievances in the past. [18]
    • Learn from the past so you can stop thinking about it.
    • Live in the moment by concentrating on yourself and the people around you.
    • Try to relax and enjoy yourself instead of worrying about old problems.
11

Be patient.

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  1. Take it slow and spend time together as though you're dating at the beginning of a relationship—because, in a way, you are. [19] If you speed through getting back together, your new relationship may end the same way your old one did. Enjoy the journey and focus on having fun at the moment.
    • Hold off on getting serious too quickly. Give yourself time to rebuild the relationship.
    • If you lived together before your split, getting back together doesn't mean you should merge households right away.
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12

Consult a professional.

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  1. They'll listen objectively and give you insight that you might not think of otherwise. If you decide to seek outside help, choose a counselor you feel comfortable opening up to, and remember that therapy is beneficial for everyone—there's no shame in it! [20]
    • Couples' therapy can also benefit you and your ex. If you both have the means, ask your ex if they can commit to sessions with a relationship counselor.
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Ask for help. "Don’t lose hope, and get backup. You’re not alone and you’re not without resources. Many people have pulled through their issues with the help of therapists, friends, family, treatment, good information, and/or hard work. It is possible."


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      References

      1. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      3. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/4-things-that-make-a-relationship-healthy-or-unhealthy/
      5. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      7. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-our-way/201607/4-parts-real-apology
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      2. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/building-trust-after-cheating/
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/6-steps-repairing-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      8. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-mindfulness/202102/how-mindfulness-helps-broken-relationships-mend
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm

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