Download Article
Your guide to fragile egos and how to deal with them
Download Article
X
This article was co-authored by Jeffrey Fermin
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
There are 13 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 52,263 times.
It's completely normal to have some insecurities, but how can you tell if those insecurities are actually caused by a fragile ego? You’ve come to the right place. Going through life with a fragile ego can create a lot of challenges, from affecting your performance at work to your relationships—but fortunately, fragile egos can be made stronger. Read on for a comprehensive list of signs to help you spot a fragile ego, plus tips on overcoming a fragile ego and cultivating a healthier mindset.
Things You Should Know
- People with fragile egos base their self-worth on the judgment and acceptance of other people and tend to have an unstable sense of self as a result.
- Someone with a fragile ego is likely to be defensive and prone to overreacting when critiqued. They may also be a perfectionist and have trouble making decisions.
- Acknowledge your talents and best qualities to boost a fragile ego. Develop a growth mindset, and prioritize learning over being perfect or chasing approval.
Steps
Section 1 of 6:
What does it mean to have a fragile ego?
Download Article
-
1People with fragile egos generally have a low sense of self-worth. Their sense of self-worth tends to be based on the judgment and validation of others rather than their own internal validation. While it's true that everybody relies on external validation to a point, someone with a fragile ego relies on it too much, to the point that they have an unstable sense of self because their ego relies on the feedback they get from others. [1] X Research source
- A “fragile ego” can also be called fragile self-esteem, as well as “unstable,” “insecure,” “contingent,” and “defensive” self-esteem.
- Someone with a fragile ego may need a lot of reassurance from others because they rely so heavily on external validation.
- They may also change themselves (in terms of behavior, opinions, and so on) to get more approval from as many people as possible.
-
2A person’s ego reflects how they see themselves and their worth. Self-esteem and ego are terms that go hand-in-hand since ego is essentially a person’s sense of self-worth. Ego refers to a person’s thoughts and feelings about themselves and their identity. When someone has secure self-esteem (meaning their ego is not fragile), they generally have a strong sense of who they are, and their self-worth does not depend on external validation. [2] X Research source
- By comparison, secure people are comfortable and confident in who they are, while people with fragile egos may often feel unsure of themselves and develop unrealistic views of themselves.
- Therefore, having a secure ego (or high self-esteem) is often a very good thing!
Advertisement
Section 2 of 6:
Signs of a Fragile Ego
Download Article
-
1Defensiveness It’s normal to get defensive when someone insults you or challenges you in a disrespectful way. However, people with fragile egos tend to perceive even the most constructive criticism or helpful suggestions as personal attacks. Because of this, they tend to be easily offended or upset and often overreact when they feel like someone is criticizing them. [3] X Research source
- For example, if you found an error in someone else’s math equation and tried to point it out to be helpful, someone with a fragile ego might assume you're insulting them and get upset.
-
2Perfectionism People with fragile egos also tend to be overachievers, partly because they can be so hypersensitive to criticism. When someone has a fragile ego, their fear of being judged or critiqued may lead them to try and be the best at everything they do. They’ll go above and beyond the call of duty because if they’re "perfect," they feel people will be less likely to criticize them. [4] X Research source
- For example, someone with a fragile ego and perfectionist tendencies might work out almost obsessively to try and be perfectly physically fit or pay for plastic surgery because they want to look "perfect."
-
3Fear of failure If someone has a fragile ego, they likely don’t take failure well. In their mind, failing at something brings them down in the eyes of others, making the people around them judge their capabilities and worth. Therefore, failure often makes them feel like they’re worthless—even though it’s absolutely not true. [5] X Research source
- For example, if someone has a fragile ego, they might refuse to quit a job (even though they don't like it) because they're afraid that will make them look like a failure.
-
4Craving attention In some cases, people with fragile egos didn’t get the attention they needed from their parents or guardians as children—which can make them want to be the center of attention as often as possible in adulthood. They may try to make conversations about themselves or even make themselves the center of attention at events that aren’t really about them. [6] X Research source
- For example, they might drop news about their big promotion at someone else's birthday party, share the news that they're pregnant at a friend's wedding, and look for other ways to seize the spotlight.
-
5Indecision People with fragile egos tend to doubt their own judgment, not trusting themselves to make the best decision—which can lead to quite a bit of indecisiveness. They may hold off on making a decision even when it’s an urgent matter, double-check what everyone else thinks they should do, and change their minds multiple times before finally making a decision. [7] X Research source
- For example, if a friend of yours had a fragile ego, they might ask you what they should do for their birthday rather than making their own decision—likely because others' approval matters more to them than doing something they enjoy.
-
6Caring about appearances When someone has a fragile ego, one of their worst fears is the idea of other people finding out about their flaws. They want to impress people, and they want others to see them in a positive light only—which often means they want others to notice that they have things like social status, intelligence, money, nice things, and so on.
- Someone with a fragile ego might talk themselves up around other people they want to impress, for example, or buy themselves fancy clothes to look like they have a lot of money.
-
7Talking negatively about themselves Insecurity is a huge sign of a fragile ego because fragile egos are defined by a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. As a result, people with fragile egos often describe themselves negatively, mentioning all the things they can’t do rather than the strengths and talents they do have. [8] X Research source
- For example, if you asked someone with a fragile ego about their hobbies, they might say, "Well, I'm absolutely terrible at creating music, so I listen to a lot of rock and folk music instead."
- Conversely, someone with a secure ego might simply say, "I love to play music and listen to it. Rock and folk are my favorite genres."
-
8Difficulty accepting feedback For someone with a fragile ego, admitting that they can improve on something feels the same as saying they’re a failure. They’re often closed off to feedback because they want to feel like they’re perfect, and taking someone else’s advice means acknowledging their imperfections. Even if they accept feedback, someone with a fragile ego may take it personally nonetheless. [9] X Research source
- For example, if you told someone with a fragile ego that their cooking could use a little more salt, they might say, "Well, I think it's fine as it is," rather than taking your advice into account.
-
9Holding grudges It’s easier to hurt a person’s feelings when they have a fragile ego because even the slightest disagreement or critique can make them feel threatenedand insecure. Consequently, they may have a hard time letting go of the hurt they feel and moving on from things that upset them–which is why people with fragile egos tend to hold grudges.
- For example, if a friend with a fragile ego asked whether you liked the decor in their home and you told them you weren’t really a fan, they might get offended and continually remind you about it each time you see them.
- On the other hand, someone with a secure ego might just agree to disagree, shrug off your comment, and move on.
Advertisement
Section 3 of 6:
How to Overcome a Fragile Ego
Download Article
-
1Determine the source of your fragile ego. The sooner you understand what’s causing your lack of self-worth, the sooner you can start addressing the source of the problem. For example, were you hurt by someone as a child? Someone important may have criticized you frequently or made you feel like you were being judged. Figure out what causes you to feel insecure and why you feel that way. [10] X Research source
- Try keeping a journal and ask yourself questions as you write; journaling is a super effective tool to help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings.
- For example, you might ask yourself questions like, “What do I really value in life, and what do I pretend to value to get acceptance from others?” or “Why am I afraid of failure or criticism? Is either of those things such a bad thing?”
-
2Focus on your best qualities to boost your confidence. Start by making a list of all your strengths and best qualities. Be really honest with yourself , and let yourself acknowledge the things you’re good at—even if it feels difficult. Then, whenever you’re feeling insecure or low on self-worth, go back and re-read the list for reassurance. It’s proof that you’re a talented, valuable person. [11] X Research source
- For example, you might list positive personality traits like “I’m compassionate” or “I’m smart.”
- You could also list skills and hobbies you’re good at, like “I’m a great painter” or “I bake beautiful cakes.”
- Aim to include at least 10 positive things on your list—but add more if you can think of them.
-
3Base your sense of identity on several different sources. Ask yourself, “Who am I?” Then, come up with as many answers to that question as you can. The more answers, the better. The more stable your sense of identity is, the less likely you are to have a fragile ego—and it’s easier to create a stable identity when it’s based on multiple different factors. [12] X Research source
- For example, you might base your identity on things like your job, family, relationship status, personality, skills, values, and the place you live.
- So, when considering the question, your answers could include things like:
- “I’m a nurse.” (Job)
- “I’m a big sister and daughter.” (Family)
- “I’m a wife.” (Relationship status)
- “I’m a creative person.” (Personality)
- “I’m a softball player.” (Skills)
- “I’m a Buddhist.” (Values)
- “I’m an American.” (Place)
-
4Adopt a growth mindset and let go of perfectionism. A growth mindset is essentially the belief that skills and intellect can be developed over time. To adopt a growth mindset , do your best to change your internal narrative; pay attention to your thoughts and start seeing challenges as opportunities rather than ways to fail. Embrace your imperfections , and prioritize learning new things over getting approval from others.
- With a fragile ego, you’re more likely to have a fixed mindset (which is the belief that skills and intellect are static and don’t change).
- Adapting a growth mindset makes it easier to focus on growing as a person and accepting mistakes as a part of life rather than constantly chasing perfection.
- Changing your mindset isn’t always easy, but seeing the world (and yourself) in a more positive light is absolutely possible with time and practice.
-
5Treat yourself with unconditional love and acceptance. Nobody is perfect; everybody stumbles and makes mistakes sometimes because it’s a natural part of life. When that happens, remind yourself that you are worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are. Use daily positive affirmations to get in the habit of treating yourself with love and acceptance, and remember that it’s never too late to learn something new about yourself. [13] X Research source
- For example, you might use affirmations like, “I deserve happiness and joy” or “I appreciate all the ways that I’m unique.”
-
6Work with a therapist to strengthen your fragile ego. If you think you may have a fragile ego, find a therapist and work with them to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. A therapist can help you process your emotions, figure out what kind of progress you want to make, and support you as you overcome your fragile ego. [14] X Research source
- If you have insurance, find a therapist from the company’s in-network providers.
- Therapists are also available through online platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace .
Advertisement
Section 4 of 6:
How to Handle People with Fragile Egos
Download Article
-
1Offer nonjudgmental and lighthearted advice. It can be tricky to give someone with a fragile ego constructive criticism because it may trigger a defensive response. However, rephrasing your advice slightly can help them process it without getting upset. When you have to correct them, use a lighthearted tone and positive language. Then, offer a rational reason for making that correction, so they can clearly see it isn’t personal. [15] X Research source
- For example, saying, “You’re preparing that food wrong. Season the meat directly; don’t sprinkle it in the pan,” might make someone with a fragile ego feel defensive.
- Try to rephrase and say something like, “Thanks for helping me cook! Last time I did this, I found that my meat was way more flavorful when I put seasoning on it directly—would you want to try it that way?”
-
2Tell them that you love and accept them for who they are. Unconditional love and acceptance may help someone with a fragile ego realize their self-worth doesn't depend on your approval. Make a point to give unprompted compliments here and there, or ask their advice to prove that you value their input. When they seem especially unsure of themselves, it may help to directly tell them that you’ll love and accept them no matter what. [16] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- For example, if someone with a fragile ego tries to impress you with their expensive home decor, you might say, "I really admire your eye for design and style. You’re great at matching colors and patterns! Do you have any decorating tips for me?”
- You could also be more straightforward and say something like, “Hey, you know I’ll always support you, right? I think you’re talented and smart, and I hope you can see how great you are.”
-
3Give them support and reassurance when they feel insecure. If you know someone with a fragile ego, odds are you’ve heard them say very negative things about themselves—things that just aren’t true. Making a sincere connection and offering your support may help them turn some of that negativity around. When they’re struggling to feel good about themselves, step in to reassure them of their value and worth. [17] X Research source
- For example, when you hear a friend of yours saying, “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I made such a dumb mistake,” you could stop them and say, “Hey, everyone makes mistakes, and you’re one of the smartest people I know.”
- Encourage your friend to list some of their strengths and best qualities! For example, if you heard them calling themselves stupid, you could say, “That’s not true. I can think of a million great things about you—can you list 5?”
Advertisement
Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: How Big Is My Ego?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…who’s the fairest of them all? If you screamed “ME!” into your phone screen, then this might just be the quiz for you. Below, we’ll help you determine the size of your ego—whether it’s teeny tiny, medium, or totally gigantic. Using psychology (and some fun, made-up scenarios!), we’ll set you on a path of self-discovery. Finally, you’ll be able to answer the question: how big is my ego?
1 of 12
Uh oh, you made a mistake at work, and now your team is working late:
Section 5 of 6:
What causes a fragile ego?
Download Article
-
1Fragile egos typically begin to develop during early childhood. Most often, people with fragile egos may not have received unconditional love from their parents; rather, they may have been criticized, judged, neglected, abused, or somehow given the idea that they’re not “valuable.” That kind of treatment can manifest later as a fragile psyche, complete with a lack of self-esteem and an unstable sense of self. [18] X Research source
-
2Narcissists tend to have fragile egos as well. However, not everybody with a fragile ego is a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often develop fragile egos for similar reasons that other people do—they may experience a lack of unconditional love and acceptance during their childhoods. As adults, narcissists may go to great lengths to create a false self in order to win approval and admiration. [19] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Narcissists also tend to have a grandiose perception of themselves, meaning they believe everything about them is special. For example, narcissists often believe they’re powerful or wealthy, even if they’re not.
Advertisement
Section 6 of 6:
Are fragile egos more common in men?
Download Article
-
Some men have fragile egos, but it’s not a universal issue. Anybody (of any gender) can have a fragile ego, though certain cultural stereotypes relate directly to the male ego and do affect some men. In some cases, a man's ego can be shaped by how he views himself in the world and whether he feels like he’s successfully living up to society's expectations. [20] X Research source For example, some men base their ego and self-worth on questions like:
- Am I masculine enough? Do other people see me as masculine?
- Am I strong enough?
- Am I in control of the situation?
- Do people respect me for my strength and masculinity?
- Not all men base their ego on those qualities or have fragile egos; however, men who do believe in those cultural stereotypes may develop a fragile ego if they feel like they aren’t fulfilling them.
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
You Might Also Like
Why Does My Body Feel High When I’m Not?
Signs Someone Lacks Self-Awareness and What to Do About It
Daddy Issues and How They Affect Men
13 Telltale Signs Someone Doesn't Respect You
How to
Ignore a Narcissist & How They’ll Respond
How to
Be Okay
How to
Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Toxic
13 Signs of Mental Weakness (& How to Build Mental Toughness)
How to
Get Away From a Narcissist
How to
Not Let Your Life Revolve Around Your Boyfriend
9 Reasons Why You or Someone You Know Rocks Back and Forth
How False Accusations in a Relationship Impact Your Mental Health
How to
Recover Repressed Memories
What It Means to Shut Down Emotionally & Why It Happens
Advertisement
Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about human behavior, check out our in-depth interview with Jeffrey Fermin .
References
- ↑ https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/sds/docs/loewenstein/fragile_self_esteem-6-24-2019.pdf
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/willpower/whats-the-best-way-to-define-ego/
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/brene-browns-atlas-of-the-heart-defensiveness-and-flooding/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/relationships/2012/01/ego-versus-ego-strength-the-characteristics-of-healthy-ego#7
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.villarneuropsychology.com/post/2019/03/17/ego-strength-development
- ↑ https://www.weber.edu/CounselingCenter/self-esteem.html
- ↑ https://www.villarneuropsychology.com/post/2019/03/17/ego-strength-development
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/male-ego#the-male-ego-defined
- ↑ https://www.villarneuropsychology.com/post/2019/03/17/ego-strength-development
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem
- ↑ https://caps.umich.edu/content/helping-someone-self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
- ↑ https://caps.umich.edu/content/helping-someone-self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Jeffrey Fermin
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up. This article has been viewed 52,263 times.
12 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: August 22, 2023
Views: 52,263
Categories: Psychological Health
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 52,263 times.
Did this article help you?
Advertisement
Co-authors: 4
Updated: August 22, 2023
Views: 52,263
100%
of readers found this article helpful
.
12 votes - 100%
Click a star to add your vote
% of people told us that this article helped them.
Quizzes
Do I Have a Dirty Mind Quiz
Take Quiz
Am I a Good Kisser Quiz
Take Quiz
Rizz Game: Test Your Rizz
Take Quiz
What's Your Red Flag Quiz
Take Quiz
Am I Smart Quiz
Take Quiz
How Insecure Am I Quiz
Take Quiz
You Might Also Like
Why Does My Body Feel High When I’m Not?
Signs Someone Lacks Self-Awareness and What to Do About It
Daddy Issues and How They Affect Men
13 Telltale Signs Someone Doesn't Respect You
Featured Articles
13 Signs Your Friends with Benefits Is Falling For You
How to
Love an Overthinker
Do I Have Rizz Quiz
How to
Improve Your Personality
How to
Force Yourself to Seriously Study
11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist
Trending Articles
How to
Hand Out Halloween Candy to Trick-or-Treaters
How to
Talk to Girls at a Party
He Calls Me Babe but I’m Not His Girlfriend: 5 Reasons Why
How to
Brush Your Hair
Safe Ways to Light Your Jack-O’-Lantern This Halloween
The Meaning of the Eagles' "Hotel California"
Featured Articles
"Hot to Go!" by Chappell Roan: The Flirtatious Lyrics & Their Meaning
How to
Dress for Fall
What Human Emotion Am I Quiz
How Strong Is Your Intuition Quiz
People with Big Eyes: What Are They Like, and Are They More Attractive?
50 First Date Conversation Starters to Spark a Connection
Featured Articles
118 Cute, Flirty, and Romantic Good Night Texts to Copy and Paste
How to
Achieve the Messy Fringe Look
21 Common Hand Signs & Gestures (& What They Mean)
3 Realistic Fake Blood Recipes (Plus Fake Guts, Scabs, & Flesh)
How to
Stop Being Scared After Watching Scary Movies
How to
Start Working Out if You're Out of Shape: Tips & Beginner Exercises
Watch Articles
How to
Remove a Toothpaste Stain
How to
Make Couscous
How to
Properly Take Off a Face Mask
How to
Know when Oat Milk Is Bad
How to
Blow Dry Bangs
How to
Prepare a Pop Tart
Trending Articles
What Do Rainbows Symbolize? Spiritual Meanings & More
How to
Make Money on Your Phone: 18 Apps & Side Hustles
27 Ways to Make Your House Smell Great
How to
Feel Awake, Alert, and Calm After Only 4 Hours of Sleep
How to
Make Siri Say Your Name + Fix Pronunciation
How Do You Make Pizza at Home? 12 Easy Steps
Quizzes
What Disney Princess Am I Quiz
Take Quiz
Do I Have a Phobia Quiz
Take Quiz
Guess My Age Quiz
Take Quiz
Am I a Genius Quiz
Take Quiz
Depression Test
Take Quiz
What Human Emotion Am I Quiz
Take Quiz
