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Learn how to deal with people who aren't very self-aware
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Many people aren't consciously aware of themselves or how they come across to other people. One study concluded that although most people think they're self-aware, they really aren't. In fact, only 10 to 15% of people are actually as self-aware as they think they are. [1] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source The good news is that self-awareness is an improvable skill. Read on to better understand what self-awareness is and how you can increase yours, if needed.
Things You Should Know
- Someone who lacks self-awareness doesn't understand their own thoughts and feelings or how other people perceive them.
- People who lack self-awareness always have to be the center of attention, be in control, and frequently make negative comments without a filter.
- If you lack self-awareness, work to improve it by journaling, practicing mindfulness, and asking trusted friends and family for feedback on how you're seen by others.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Signs Someone Lacks Self-Awareness
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They always have to be the center of attention. People lacking in self-awareness often struggle to focus on others or allow them to take center stage. They might feel as though they're worthless if all eyes aren't constantly on them. [2] X Research source
- Those seeking attention may frequently speak and rarely listen, even talking over others to ensure they're heard.
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They believe they're always right. When someone lacks self-awareness, they have a hard time recognizing the limits of their abilities or knowledge, as well as their weaknesses. If someone disagrees with them, their response might be to double down on their own statements rather than listen and acknowledge that someone else might know better than them. [3] X Research sourceAdvertisement
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They frequently make negative or critical comments. People who are lacking in self-awareness usually lack a filter—they say the first thought that pops into their heads. Often, these comments are unduly harsh or critical of others. They might even be perceived as bullies by those around them. [4] X Research source
- Without an understanding of how others view them, these people may not realize that their comments are hurtful.
- Often, this type of person may defend themselves by saying that they're being honest.
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They always have to be in control. Someone who lacks self-awareness tends to believe that whatever needs to be done, they're the best person to do it. They believe that they know the only right way to do things and they're the only one who can lead or train others. [5] X Research source
- In the workplace, for example, someone lacking in self-awareness would have a tendency to micro-manage other employees and insist that everyone complete tasks using their methods, even if their methods weren't appropriate for others.
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They're always surrounded by drama. Being grandiose or over-dramatic is a common sign that someone is lacking in self-awareness. When they don't understand how they come across to others they tend to be over-the-top when they're trying to get your point across. They also have the tendency to cause drama but not realize that they're the actual cause of it. [6] X Research source
- People with low self-awareness tend to see themselves as the victim of all the drama swirling around them.
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They're impulsive or make spontaneous decisions. When someone isn't very self-aware, they don't have a sense of what their ultimate purpose and goals in life are. This causes them to chase after short-term gains and go through life without a clear sense of who they are and what they want. [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- People who have this kind of impulsiveness can seem like they're flitting about from one thing to another randomly without any sense of direction.
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They tend to be a people-pleaser. Someone with high external self-awareness but low internal self-awareness has no understanding of their own values, wants, and needs. Instead, they're overly focused on pleasing and satisfying everyone around them. They figure that people will like them if they go along with whatever others want. [8] X Research source
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They find it difficult to empathize with others. When someone is lacking in self-awareness, they're also unable to put themselves in someone else's shoes and see things from other points of view. This inability to empathize makes them come across as insensitive and causes problems in relationships. [9] X Research source
- Sometimes, an inability to empathize flows directly from an inability to identify and understand their own emotions. When someone has a hard time recognizing their own feelings it can be just as difficult to recognize anybody else's.
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They can't identify their own strengths and weaknesses. If someone lacks self-awareness, they also tend to lack any sense of what they're really good at and what they're really bad at. They don't take the time to reflect on things that they do so they don't understand how their actions might have affected an outcome. [10] X Research source
- For example, they might think that a job interview went really well when in fact it didn't. Because they don't have a good sense of how they come across, they think they impressed the interviewer who, in reality, wasn't impressed at all.
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They have trouble taking criticism from others. Because people with low self-awareness typically don't understand how they come across to others, they can get confused or upset when someone tries to tell them what they're doing wrong. In the face of criticism, they might make excuses, blame someone or something else, or go into denial and insist the criticism is wrong. [11] X Research source
- People who are lacking in self-awareness tend to have a hard time accepting and learning from criticism even when it's constructive.
- When someone has low self-awareness, they often also have difficulty trusting others and won't see any criticism as coming from someone who only has their best interests at heart and wants to see them improve. They only see it as an attack and so they get defensive.
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They don't understand their own motivations or behavior. When a person lacks internal self-awareness, they're not clear on why they do what they do or how their emotions affect their behavior. Since they can't clearly identify their emotions and don't take time to reflect on them, they lose the connection between their emotions and their actions. [12] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- For example, they might tend to go with the flow and agree to do something that doesn't really align with their values just because the people they're with want to do that thing.
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They have a hard time making decisions. When someone is lacking in self-awareness, their own sense of self tends to shift a lot. They don't have a strong understanding of what they value and what they want in life. Without this understanding, it's tough to make decisions—especially the big ones that could potentially turn their lives in another direction. [13] X Research source
- People with low self-awareness sometimes compensate for this by making decisions on the fly. They might justify this by saying that it doesn't matter what they decide—even when it does.
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They don't accept responsibility or take ownership of their actions. For someone who's lacking in self-awareness, nothing is ever their fault. They frequently shift the blame to someone else or find external reasons why they did whatever they did. They're both unwilling and unable to see how they might have affected something. [14] X Research source
- For example, someone with low self-awareness might claim they were late because traffic was bad, even though they would've been on time if they'd woken up an hour earlier. They fail to see that the real reason they were late was that they didn't leave themselves enough time to reach their destination.
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They act without thinking of the consequences and later regret it. Someone who has a lot of regrets in life is also someone who's lacking in self-awareness. If they were more aware, they would recognize that something was likely to go wrong for them before they did it. They would also avoid doing things that didn't align with their own interests, values, or beliefs. [15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- This is related to impulsivity, which can also be a problem for people who lack self-awareness. They might have problems abusing alcohol or drugs because they don't consider the consequences of that behavior.
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They find it hard to admit when they don't know something. Understanding the limits of one's own knowledge is a key part of self-awareness. When someone is lacking in self-awareness, they're also lacking in intellectual humility —they're not willing to say, "I don't know," preferring to make something up or just ignore the issue entirely rather than accept knowledge or understanding from someone else. [16] X Research source
- This sign of low self-awareness is also related to the need to be right all the time. Having experience and power also get in the way of self-awareness because the more someone knows the less they think they don't know. [17] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- Because people with low self-awareness don't take time for self-reflection, they're less inclined to understand that sometimes they're wrong and they don't always have all the answers.
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Section 3 of 4:
Improving Self-Awareness
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Keep a journal to track your thoughts and feelings. Journaling is a great way to better understand your feelings and how they relate to what you do. It can be hard to open up at first, but once you get the hang of it you might feel that it really helps you. Writing about things other people said and did can also help you better understand how you're coming across and why they reacted to you like they did. [20] X Research source
- Spending a few minutes each evening journaling about your day can help you recognize patterns in your behavior and figure out how you create those patterns around you.
- Finding a way out of self-destructive patterns can be really rewarding and will encourage you to do even more work on yourself to become a better person.
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Meditate and practice mindfulness to stay in the moment. When you act with mindfulness and intention, you're fully aware of everything that's going on around you and your place in the world without being attached. This level of self-awareness is really difficult to achieve! But with practice, you can increase your mindfulness and become more in tune with your emotions and how they affect your behavior. [21] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Start small and work your way up. For example, you might try taking a mindful walk outside. Focus on the things around you and how they make you feel.
- Household chores give you another good opportunity to practice mindfulness. For example, when you do the dishes, simply do the dishes without watching TV or letting your mind wander to other tasks.
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Ask trusted friends and family for honest feedback. When you're lacking in self-awareness, the people around you often have a better sense of how you're coming across than you do—trust them to tell you. As long as you remind yourself that they have your best interests at heart, you can learn a lot from what they have to say. Remember to be humble and actively listen so you can grow as a person. Change isn't easy, but your friends and family really care about you and are there to support you. [22] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I've recently realized that I'm not always aware of how I come across to others. Could you provide me with some feedback on that so I can approach others with more empathy?"
- Be honest with yourself as well! If you're truly not self-aware, you might be completely unable to see the signs for yourself. Trusted friends and family can help you better understand how you might come across as long as you're willing to take their word for it. [23] X Research source
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Spend time alone to better understand yourself. If you have a problem with internal self-awareness, some time alone can help. Observe yourself and practice identifying your emotions and really thinking about how something makes you feel and how that feeling triggers you to act. [24] X Research source
- Keep in mind that introspection alone isn't enough to really improve your self-awareness. When you're thinking about your feelings, ask yourself "what" rather than "why."
- For example, instead of asking yourself why you feel sad, you might ask yourself what situations make you sad and what they have in common with each other.
- This kind of analysis helps you unlock core truths about yourself so that you can understand your motivations better. It takes time, but you'll feel really great about the progress you make.
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Socialize more to improve your empathy and people skills. When external self-awareness is the issue, the solution is to spend more time around other people. But instead of taking over or feeling like you have to be the center of attention, sit back and observe. Tell yourself that you're not going to say or do anything until you've observed other people for at least 20 minutes. When you do interact, ask open-ended questions that will help you understand other people and where they're coming from better. [25] X Research source
- Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. This, too, will improve your external self-awareness and help you grow. For example, you might try a new sport or activity for the first time.
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Section 4 of 4:
Causes of Low Self-Awareness
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Fear of vulnerability, change, or the unknown People who aren't very self-aware often have a hard time trusting themselves and others. They're afraid to be vulnerable because they worry about what someone might do to them if they let down their guard. And they can't be open and honest with themselves because they're afraid they might not like what they find out about themselves. [26] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- If you want to help someone who's not very self-aware, they first need to trust you and truly believe that you have their best interests at heart.
- When it's you that's lacking in self-awareness, recognize that the process of becoming more self-aware won't be easy. You might have to deal with aspects of yourself that you don't like, but changing those things will make you a better person.
- People who find making changes difficult and scary also typically have low self-awareness as a result. [27] X Research source
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Comfort living in denial This is closely related to a fear of being vulnerable. Many people who are lacking in self-awareness may recognize that lack but not care enough to do anything about it. They feel as though it's just easier to keep going through life as they have than take the necessary steps to change. [28] X Research source
- When people are lacking in self-awareness, they might not even be aware of the problems that are caused by that lack. This is one of the hardest parts about being truly unaware.
- If someone doesn't see that their lack of self-awareness is causing any problems or making things difficult, they won't have any motivation to change that. It's kind of like thinking, "If it isn't broken, I don't need to fix it."
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Never taught to be introspective Introspection is related to internal self-awareness and a person's ability to understand their own thoughts and feelings and how those thoughts and feelings motivate and affect their actions. This isn't something people are born with, though—it's something they have to learn how to do. If no one ever taught a person how to reflect on their own thoughts and feelings, it won't be natural for them to do it. [29] X Research source
- At the same time, becoming more introspective doesn't necessarily improve self-awareness if the person isn't asking themselves the right questions to unpack how their feelings motivate their actions.
- It's not enough for a person simply to examine their thoughts and feelings—they also have to learn to examine them in the right way to learn the right lessons from their experiences.
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Too caught up in other obligations Being self-aware requires a person to take time to pause and reflect on things that are happening. But too often, people get caught in autopilot, rushing through life from one situation to another without stopping to really think about what's going on. When people aren't super mindful of what they're doing, it's easy for their self-awareness to decrease. [30] X Research source
- If you follow along with society's preoccupation with being busy all the time, it's natural that your self-awareness will suffer—and that's not your fault! Recognize the issue without judging yourself for it.
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References
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201903/what-is-self-awareness-and-how-do-you-get-it
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- ↑ https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/4-ways-boost-self-awareness/
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- ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it
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- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5114878/
- ↑ https://www.chrysos.org.uk/blog/top-ten-tips-for-developing-self-awareness
- ↑ https://educationendowmentfoundation.org.uk/news/teaching-children-self-awarness-of-their-feelings-and-actions-supports-early-development
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5114878/
- ↑ https://behavioralscientist.org/the-benefits-of-admitting-when-you-dont-know/
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/009265667690060X
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/advance-your-self-awareness
- ↑ https://ggie.berkeley.edu/student-well-being/sel-for-students-self-awareness-and-self-management/
- ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-keep-mental-health-journal/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-meditate-and-top-benefits
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself#1
- ↑ https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1017&context=familyperspectives
- ↑ https://www.seattleymca.org/blog/benefits-open-ended-questions
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_is_it_so_hard_to_be_vulnerable
- ↑ https://psychology.emory.edu/cognition/rochat/Rochat5levels.pdf
- ↑ https://wmrcc.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/What-is-Self-Awareness.pdf
- ↑ https://www.hcpc-uk.org/standards/meeting-our-standards/reflective-practice/what-is-reflection/
- ↑ https://ggie.berkeley.edu/student-well-being/sel-for-students-self-awareness-and-self-management/
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