How to Be Intimate with Someone Without Having Sex With Them

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Show your affection without being sexually active
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Maybe you’re not ready for sex, or maybe you just want to get closer to your partner in other ways. No matter your reason, it’s easy to build intimacy outside the bedroom, and it starts with getting to know your partner and spending time with them. We chatted with licensed clinical psychologist Susan Pazak and relationship coach Luis Congdon to learn more about intimacy and how you can build your emotional and physical bond with your partner without having sex.

Being Intimate without Having Sex

Share small, caring touches with your partner by holding hands or giving long hugs. Talk to your partner about your day, your hopes and fears, or your own past to learn more about each other. Ask for help and express gratitude to strengthen your bond.

Section 1 of 5:

Having Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy

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  1. Cuddling is a great way to make contact and feel close without having to take off your clothes. Whether you’re watching a movie together or laying in bed, reach out and wrap your arms around your partner to feel that physical closeness together. [1]
    • Put your arm around their waist or shoulder and make an effort to include more touch.
    • Also touch foreheads, stroke each other’s backs, and caress each other’s faces.
  2. Hugging reduces stress and increases bonding between you and your partner. [2] Get in the habit of hugging your partner when you come together and separate. For example, hug your partner before going to work or school in the morning and when you see them after a reunion (such as seeing each other after school or work).
    • Give a solid hug by wrapping your arms around your partner, squeezing gently, and lingering there for 10-20 seconds, or more if it feels nice.
    • If hugging doesn't come naturally to your partner, ask for the hug directly.
  3. Holding your partner’s hand makes you feel less like two different people and more like a single unit. This is especially true when you’re walking out in public. It tells your partner that you’re connected and attached. Plus, it reduces stress and releases positive love hormones. [3]
    • When you hold hands, be firm but gentle. Aim for a secure and tender grip, and avoid squeezing too hard.
  4. Gazing into each other’s eyes is a powerful sign of love and connection. [4] You might feel vulnerable or even a bit fearful once you and your partner lock eyes, but remember—they know you better than anyone! Remind yourself that you can feel safe and secure, even when your partner sees you for who you are. [5]
    • Practice holding their gaze the next time your eyes meet. Challenge yourself to hold it for 10 seconds, then 15, and keep going until it feels totally comfortable.
    • This process of getting comfortable holding eye contact together will strengthen your intimacy super quickly!
  5. Breathing together can be physically and emotionally intimate without even touching each other. Start by sitting across from each other and facing one another. Take deep breaths—10 seconds in, 10 seconds out—with your eyes closed. When you feel ready, open your eyes and watch your partner’s shoulders moving with their breath. [6]
    • The air you breathe will become the air that your partner breathes. Whether you start to breathe together or not, you should feel in sync with your partner.
    • After you complete this exercise can be a great time to talk and have those deep conversations that seem so difficult in other situations.
Section 2 of 5:

Building Emotional Intimacy

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  1. There are some things about your partner that you’ll only learn by asking. Asking questions can help each of you to open up and think about what has impacted you, what drives you, and how you relate to each other. Ask questions that encourage intimacy and sharing. [7]
    • Focus on asking open-ended questions so that you can elaborate on answers and build some discussion.
    • Ask questions like, “If you could choose to be anyone, real or fictional, who would you choose to be and why?” and, “What would you say to your younger self, if you could? What would you say to your older self?”
    • Ask questions about your relationship, too. For example, “What do you think makes us great together?” “How can we improve our communication?” and, “What’s one thing you like doing in our relationship?”
  2. Pazak suggests that you “verbally express emotions to the person that you choose to trust.” Remember that a healthy, trusting relationship means opening up and sharing your needs, hopes, and fears with your partner. While opening up can be scary, a good partner will be supportive and try to understand you better. [8]
    • Being open about yourself can help you and your partner learn from each other and support each other in a new and deeper way.
    • You don’t have to spill your deepest secrets or insecurities right away! Start small, like telling your partner your life goals, or even just how you feel that day, and invite them to do the same.
  3. Congdon says that honesty is “a key tenet” in any relationship. Tell your partner what your relationship needs are. If they do something that makes you uncomfortable, say so. If something’s been bugging you, speak up! Being frank and transparent lets them know they can count on your to mean what you say, and say what you mean.
    • For example, if your partner values privacy, don’t share intimate details of your relationship with people who know them. If you agree to keep something private, keep it private.
    • This also means accepting criticism from your partner. Honesty is a 2-way street.
  4. Pazak says to “listen and show interest” when your partner speaks. A solid partnership includes two people who not only hear each other, but listen to each other. Turn toward each other while speaking. Put down your phones and switch off the television. Pay attention to what your partner says in a non-judgmental way and give supportive feedback. Being listened to is a huge aspect of feeling seen and understood.
    • Practice active listening with your partner and build your intimacy by knowing you can count on each other to listen and understand.
    • You don’t have to drop everything when you’re just casually chatting—work and chores need doing, of course—but make an effort to give your partner your attention when they’re saying something important.
  5. Remember, you’re a team, and helping each other is a great bonding tool. If you’ve had a bad day, there’s almost nothing more comforting than a supportive person to lean on. It can be difficult to ask for help or even cry in front of your partner, but feeling their support is often worth the risk. [9] Plus, you might learn that they are someone you can count on to be there for you, even in difficult times.
    • For example, say, “I had a really hard day. Can we talk about it?”
    • Again, a relationship is a 2-way street, so also offer to help your partner frequently. Say, “Is there anything I could do to make your day easier?”
    • Don’t forget to express your gratitude! A simple, “Thank you for doing that for me,” goes a long way.
  6. Complimenting your partner is just one way to remind them of how much you appreciate them, and how grateful you are for them. You might compliment their looks, or a new style they’re trying. Also compliment their personality or abilities, like their sense of humor or their cooking skills. [10]
    • There’s almost never a bad time for a compliment! Try giving one to your partner whenever you greet each other, or during quiet moments.
  7. When you disagree with your partner, or even fight, it’s tempting to think they’re the enemy. But actually, this is a chance to grow even closer! Remember that it’s you and your partner versus the problem, not versus each other. Ask yourself what the problem is, and how you can work together to solve it. [11]
    • For example, if you can’t agree on how to split household chores, ask yourself: How do we get these done together? Not, Why aren’t you doing enough?
  8. We don’t mean laugh at your partner or be cruel. We mean feel free to get silly or goofy, and lighten the mood! Laughter is a powerful bonding tool, and if you can laugh at a silly mistake you or your partner made, or even just absurd situations you get into, you start to feel more like allies and friends, not just lovers. [12]
  9. Sometimes, we let our emotions get in the way of reality. Maybe your partner seems distant and cold, and it’s tempting to take it personally, but in reality, it probably doesn’t have much to do with you. And even if it does, the best course of action is gently ask what’s wrong. That way, you can solve the problem together. [13]
    • For example, say, “Is there something wrong? Is it something I did? Is there anything I can do to help?”
    • Don’t be afraid to give them some space if they need it. Sometimes, a little space helps bring you closer together.
Section 3 of 5:

Fun Intimate Activities

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  1. A little adrenaline can help you feel more attracted to your partner and increase feelings of intimacy. [14] On your next date night , shake things up and try doing something active, fun and maybe even a little risky together. For example, try hiking, rock climbing, or zip lining.
    • You might also attend a sporting event you both enjoy, a concert, or go play a sport together, like bowling or tennis.
  2. Trying something new requires courage and may show you a new side of yourself and your partner. You might find that you enjoy something you never knew you could enjoy, or discover something about your partner you’ve never noticed. Adding a new experience can help you feel closer and help you bond over the new experience. [15]
    • For example, try a boxing class, race go karts, or start a fitness journey together.
    • Use your knowledge from your intimate talks to come up with activities you would both enjoy. Alternatively, you could try something that is special to one of you.
  3. Things that get your heart racing boost your adrenaline, which is 1 of many love hormones that can help you bond with your partner. [16] One way to get the adrenaline pumping is by doing something a little scary together! Knowing you can rely on your partner for emotional support can help you feel close to them and trust them to be there for you.
    • For example, go to a haunted house, see a scary movie, or take a late-night walk in the dark together.
  4. Pazak says that “Doing things that express emotion really helps with bonding.” One great way to express emotions is to browse old photos together and open yourself up to exposing a younger version of yourself to your partner. When you discuss the things that mattered to you and the events and people that led you to become who you are, you reveal a lot of vulnerabilities to your partner.
    • Show your partner around your hometown and talk about memories from growing up. Then, ask them to do the same for you.
    • Family stuff can be difficult to discuss, but try to answer all of their questions.
  5. Art can be a profound emotional experience, and experiencing it together and swapping opinions helps you get to know your partner and how they see the world. “Watch a movie and talk about it afterwards,” Pazak suggests. Read a book together and discuss it as you go, or make music playlists for each other to listen to.
    • You might also do an artistic activity like drawing or painting together, to learn more about how you both express yourselves.
  6. Pazak encourages any activities that “create laughter or tears. Sure, a relationship isn’t exactly like a slumber party, but slumber party games are just one way to have a little fun and learn something new about your partner. You might play Never Have I Ever to learn about their past, Would You Rather to learn about their opinions, or just swap secrets to get to know each other better.
  7. Pazak recommends dancing as a perfect way to bond physically and emotionally. Dancing helps you get to know your partner’s body, and also helps learn to sync up your minds together as you match their steps. Do a silly dance when you’re alone, or take a dance class to really hone your moves.
    • Practicing close partner dances like salsas, tangos, or swings ensures close contact and lots of coordination.
  8. A little competition is a great way to grow closer to your partner, while getting to know them! Playing against each other in board games, video games, or any other sort of game helps you connect and meld minds. [17] It also helps you test your dynamic and how stress affects you in a low-stakes situation.
Section 4 of 5:

Benefits of Non-Sexual Intimacy

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  1. Showing intimacy to your partner helps you better understand them—how they think, why, what makes them happy, what makes them sad. When you know these things about your partner, it’s much easier to live together, and to be happy. [18] It shortens the space between you, both physical and mental, so that you’re operating more as a unit.
  2. Studies show that being intimate with your partner, both non-sexually and sexually, have huge impacts on stress levels. It can stave off depression, lower blood pressure, and even prevent diseases. Stay intimate to stay healthy! [19]
  3. Sexual intimacy is mostly something we keep private and behind closed doors, and so it can be pretty limited. There’s a time and a place! But non-sexual intimacy is something you can practice in public, on the go, on the couch—anywhere, anytime! And it’s good to have ways other than sex to show your love.
Section 5 of 5:

Being Sexually Intimate without Intercourse

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  1. Kissing is a great way to experience each other up-close without going further. If you feel comfortable, lean into the passion that comes from a good kiss or makeout session. Kissing can contribute to improving intimacy, especially in long-term relationships. Couples who kiss more frequently report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. [20]
    • Give your partner different kinds of kisses. For example, kiss on the lips, on the cheek, neck, hand, and other parts of the body (that won’t lead to having sex).
    • If you’re trying to avoid sex, pull away when you feel yourself getting a little too passionate, and remember what triggered that feeling in the future, so you know what to avoid.
  2. You might not want to have sex, but there are sexual activities that you can do together that involve many of the same feelings and sensations without the actual act. For example, touch each other, kiss each other’s bodies, or even lick each other. These actions can allow you to be intimate and sensual without worrying about some of the consequences of sex itself. [21]
    • Talk about your comfort level with your partner. If you are purposefully abstaining from sex, then create specific boundaries for relating in a physically intimate way. For example, you may be comfortable kissing but not taking your clothes off.
  3. Giving a massage is a fabulous way to make your partner feel good while getting some close physical contact in. Massages help relieve stress and anxiety, and giving that relief to your partner with your own hands can be a powerful bonding experience that shows you care. [22]
    • You might give them a full-body massage while they lay on their stomach, or more casually massage their shoulders.
    • You might incorporate a blindfold to make the message more exciting for one or both of you.

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      Tips

      • Any touching or intimate activity must have clear unambiguous consent and enthusiasm from your partner. Touching without permission is a violation of the other person's boundaries.
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      • Also, compliment each other often! Let your partner know how much you appreciate them.
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      Warnings

      • Some of these tips could lead to sex. If that's not what you want, say so! Don't be afraid to speak up.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201504/why-cuddling-is-so-crucial
      2. ↑ https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/health-and-wellness/2018/february/affection
      3. ↑ https://bcmj.org/blog/science-holding-hands
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201404/5-secret-powers-eye-contact
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201403/in-your-eyes
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/mindfulness-in-relationships-breathing-together/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-undervalued-self/201501/36-questions-intimacy-back-story
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201205/why-intimacy-makes-us-feel-vulnerable
      9. ↑ https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2023/02/signs-of-a-supportive-partner
      1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/research_digest/how_to_compliment_your_partner
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201702/5-essential-qualities-romantic-partner
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/trying-new-things
      7. ↑ https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/teenagers-love
      8. ↑ https://www.jcfs.org/response/blog/video-games-are-social-spaces-how-video-games-help-people-connect
      9. ↑ https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/5-benefits-of-healthy-relationships
      10. ↑ https://www.ncoa.org/article/why-is-intimacy-important-in-older-adults/
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201311/what-s-in-kiss
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/202203/3-tips-from-science-for-better-foreplay
      13. ↑ https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/massage-for-depression-anxiety-and-stress

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To get more intimate with someone without having sex, try asking them personal questions to get to know them better. For example, ask “If you could go back in time 5 years, what would you say to your younger self?” Intimacy is a 2-way street, so be honest in return and share your own thoughts and feelings, even if they’re uncomfortable. If you want to feel physically close to someone without having sex, try cuddling with them while watching a movie or lying in bed. You can also kiss and touch different parts of their body to turn up the heat. For more tips from our co-author, including how to grow closer to your partner by looking at old photos together, read on!

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