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Getting over your first love can be tough. Your first love teaches you what it's like to be in a romantic relationship. Experiencing anything for the first time sets the tone for how you will engage in such experiences in the future. If you're struggling to get over your first love, this is perfectly normal. This is something most people struggle with, but there are things you can do to help yourself move on. First, limit thoughts of your ex. Try to focus on the present and not dwell on the past. Try to adopt a healthier perspective about the relationship. While it ended, you learned a lot about yourself by being in love. After grieving, try to move forward. Focus on what's ahead of you rather than your lost love.
Things You Should Know
- Limit the time you allow yourself to think about your ex. When you feel your mind wandering to them, distract yourself by watching a movie or going for a walk.
- Focus on the present by taking up new hobbies or joining a club or gym, you name it. Any activity that excites you about the here and now will help you move forward.
- Reach out to your loved ones for support. Talking about your feelings with your inner circle is a healthy way to get out your emotions and find ways to move on from your first love.
Steps
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Limit time spent thinking of your ex. You may think that you should eliminate your ex from your thoughts altogether. However, this strategy can very easily backfire. If you try to force yourself not to think about something, you'll only think about it more. Instead of trying not to think about your ex altogether, limit the time you spend thinking of them. This is a more sustainable strategy. [1] X Research source- Choose a certain time in the day where you can thoughts of your ex out of your system. You could, for example, think about your ex for half an hour every morning. If you're having trouble coming up with memories, try listening to a song or thinking about a movie the two of you loved.
- Writing down some of your thoughts in a journal can also help you work through your feelings and process what happened.
- After this, try to avoid thinking about your ex for the rest of the day. If thoughts creep back in, say something to yourself like, "I've already thought about this today. I can save these thoughts for tomorrow."
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Watch for unrealistic thought patterns. If you're reeling from the loss of a first love, you may be prone to catastrophic thinking. For example, you may think things like, "I'll never love anyone again" or "I'll never be happy again." When you catch yourself engaging in such thoughts, stop and challenge them. [2] X Research source- No two relationships are alike. You're right to think you'll never feel exactly the same way again. However, this does not mean you'll never love or be happy again.
- Be realistic. Most people do not end up with their first love. Think about your parents, friends, or other family members. They probably all experienced the loss of a first love, but ended up in healthy relationships later on.
- Be specific. For example, if you find yourself thinking that you will never find love again, replace that thought with something like, “If I start dating again when I'm ready, I'll almost certainly find love again. It's very unlikely that I'll end up alone.”
- Remind yourself that, while things are difficult now, in all likelihood you will love again and be happy again, even if it takes time.
- Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor about the thoughts you are having. They can help you gain perspective and challenge unrealistic thoughts.
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Focus on the present. Remind yourself of what you have going for you right now. Think about things like your friends circle, job, interests, and passions. While you may not have the romance you want right now, there's a lot in the present to focus on. [3] X Research source- Do things to keep you grounded in the present. Take up a new hobby. Join a club. Volunteer somewhere. Join a gym. Anything that can keep you in the present moment can help.
- New memories can help you get over the past. Taking concrete steps towards making new, better memories can help you let go of your ex.
- It's important to take time to practice mindfulness and reflect on your feelings and thoughts in the moment. However, it's a good idea to balance these moments of introspection with activities that distract you and help you focus on other things.
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Practice self-care. It's very difficult to think positive when you're not caring for yourself. You may find it hard to sleep, exercise, or eat right after heartbreak. However, you need to keep up with basic self-care. This will allow you to stay strong and avoid negative thinking. [4] X Research source- In addition to sleeping and eating right, give yourself treats. Do not be afraid to baby yourself slightly after a breakup.
- Have a night out with your friends. Order takeout. Go for a long walk or bike ride. Watch a movie you love.
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Reach out to your support system. Ask a trusted friend or family member to check in on you now and then and gently remind you to take care of yourself, or to get you out of the house from time to time if you're spending too much time alone. Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you are dealing with sadness or loss.- Sometimes it can be helpful just to talk to a supportive friend on the phone for a little while. Talking about your feelings can help you work through them.
- If you feel guilty about leaning on friends or family, make a commitment to being there for them in the same way when and if the time comes.
- Reader Poll: We asked 443 wikiHow readers who they’d reach out to if they needed to vent about someone they love, and 52% said they’d connect with their closest friends to find the support they need. [Take Poll]
"Getting over my first love is such a struggle. I can't understand why it's easy for him to do so yet so hard for me. I keep belittling myself. I eventually lost my confidence. I feel so uncertain about my future and a little doubtful of opening my heart again. I'm not sure whether I could love again and make it last. Doubts are overtaking me. I still actually feel the pain. I'm not totally okay, but this article gives me essential insights on how to start a change. This helps me realize what I need to start doing. Thank you for the words of enlightment and the pieces of advice that might help me get over my first love. :)" more comments ..." more
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Examine any negative patterns. You can learn something from every relationship. It's all a process of growing and changing so you can find a healthy, happy longterm romance. When striving to get over your first love, look for any negative patterns you should work on breaking in your next romance. [5] X Research source- Think about why the relationship ended. Is there any way you could have behaved differently? Is there any reasons the two of you weren't compatible? Why were you drawn to this person? Was it for the wrong reasons?
- Most of the time, relationships end because two people are just not right for each other. You can take this as an opportunity to examine how you can pick someone more compatible in the future.
- Talking to someone objective can help you recognize these patterns and find closure. Speak to a friend whose judgment you trust, or consider seeing a counselor who can help you assess the relationship in a balanced and objective way.
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Allow yourself to enjoy past memories. You don't have to shut out all thoughts of your ex. With time, you may be able to smile on some of what has occurred. Love can trigger wonderful, happy emotions, and your first love will always be special. If you find yourself smiling at a memory, allow yourself to enjoy this rather than shutting the memory out. [6] X Research source- You can find strength in old memories. You can look at them as a way to remember yourself as a loving person. It can be healthy to remember your best loving self.
- Old memories can also help you feel better on bad days. You may suddenly remember some encouraging words from your ex when you're feeling bad about yourself. It's okay to embrace the good memories, as long as you do so while acknowledging the relationship is over.
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Acknowledge there's nothing special about your first love. First loves can be a wonderful experience. You learn a lot about yourself and are able to experience love for the first time. However, people have a tendency to romanticize their first experience with something. There is likely nothing special about your first relationship beyond the fact it was your first. Remember, you are wired to place first experiences on a pedestal. You do not want this mentality to get in the way of embracing the present. [7] X Research source- You may remember experiences with your first love in a somewhat inflated manner. In new relationships, this may result in a tendency to compare current feelings to past feelings. However, think about your first experience with anything. You probably inflate these experiences as well. Your first day at a new job probably felt very exciting, but chances nothing that different happened that day than any other day.
- Instead of seeing your first love as the perfect partner, view your first love in terms of experience. You learned how to love someone and be in a romantic relationship. However, the person you were with is likely not the one and only person for you. You are simply wired to romanticize the memory because it was your first.
- Use positive self-talk to put the experience in perspective. Tell yourself things like, “I'm going to use what I learned from this relationship to build even better relationships in the future. The best is yet to come!”
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See your ex as a way to learn about yourself. Reflect on what you learned during the relationship. Think about what you liked about yourself in the relationship. Did you learn to be more selfless? Did you learn how to care for another person? Even though the relationships over, do not disregard it as a failure. Most romantic relationships you have in life are, in a sense, practice. Value what you learned about yourself and your capacity for love instead of trying to forget the relationship altogether. [8] X Research source
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Revisit your larger goals. In the wake of loss, you often forget your bigger goals in life. You may think losing your first love means you've failed on the goal to find a loving relationship in life. However, look at your larger goals in terms of relationships. One failed relationship does not mean you've failed on your goals. [9] X Research source- Revisit what you want out of life. In addition to finding a loving partner, think of other goals. What kind of career or education do you want, for example?
- Remember that it's okay to take a break from relationships for a while. You don't have to focus on finding romance again right away. Give yourself time to heal and pursue other goals, then get back into dating when you're ready.
- One loss does not mean you have failed. In fact, the vast majority of people face a lot of loss and rejection on the path to larger goals. You do not need this one particular person to eventually reach your goals.
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Give yourself time before dating again. Many people feel getting involved with someone else will help them forget their first love. While a new relationship can help distract you from thoughts of the current one, you're not likely to find relationship success this way. Instead of jumping into a new romance, take some time to reflect. [10] X Research source- Think about what you want out of a relationship. Think about the ways your need were and were not met. This will help you figure out how to find a more suitable partner in the future.
- Many people jump from romance to romance, hoping to find the right person. However, if you're not okay on your own, you will not be able to have a functional romance. You need to grieve your first love and figure out what you want for the future.
- When you're recovering from a recent breakup, you will probably be very emotionally vulnerable for a while. The feelings that you may develop for other people during this time will not always be rational. Be cautious about pursuing these feelings, since you may be at risk of being hurt or taken advantage of by someone who recognizes your vulnerability.
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Model your behavior after someone else. Look for a friend, family member, or c-worker who has also suffered heartbreak, but moved on successfully. Try to model your behavior off of someone who does not need a relationship to feel fulfilled and happy. [11] X Research source- Find someone who does okay on their own. You want to lean on someone who does not need a relationship to feel fulfilled.
- Once you've found someone, think about how they cope with heartbreak. Look for the ways they stay independent and strong after a relationship ends.
- If you feel comfortable doing so, ask the person to be your mentor. Reach out to them for advice from time to time during your recovery process. However, take care not to become too needy or dependent on them.
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Accept you will be sad for a while. While you may want to move forward, it's important to acknowledge your feelings. Take steps to feel better, but accept sadness is a normal part of the process. Getting over a first love is hard, and even if you're doing everything right it will not happen over night. Do not beat yourself up for having bad days. This is normal and it will take time to move on. [12] X Research source- Don't panic if a reminder of your ex leaves you feeling bad. If you try to hard to avoid the bad feeling, you may make it worse.
- Instead, accept that you're going to feel sad for a bit. Let yourself cry if necessary. Get the bad feelings out so you can continue to move forward.
- To help you gain perspective, think about times when you've felt sad in the past, and remember that you eventually felt better. Remind yourself that the sadness will diminish, and that you will begin to have more good days again as time passes.
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Comments
- "I recently had a messy breakup with my first love. We kept fighting a few weeks prior, and he became very abusive throughout the relationship. After we broke up, he had the audacity to say cruel things about me to his family (who loved me). This article helped me understand that people change, and they might not be who you thought they were when it ends. I am still hurt by his comments, but I appreciate the hurt, because it will make me stronger." ..." more
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"My ex broke up with me a week ago after 2.5 years. I've spent my whole college life with him and its been so long, I forgot what life is like without him. The hardest part is when you try to be optimistic about the future, but you can't imagine any guy but him in it. This article gives me motivation to pursue a good future and hope with moving on." ..." more
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"Good article. My ex and I broke up a week ago. I miss him so much; I think it is easier for him because he is staring a new life.When he left, he texted me saying he felt lonely and was gonna come back . Then he texted me saying he was confused I don't know what to do. He broke me, got my hopes up." ..." more
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"Just got out of breakup with my first love. We were dating for almost two years, we started dating in high school. This is really helping me find a way to just move past it, and it's giving me advice on different things to do besides just crying and wondering why this happened." ..." more
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"What helped me most in this article was that it hit a lot of key points in which a person getting over their first love goes through. The advice from realizing what you are going through, how to get through it, taking care of yourself, and the tips helped." ..." more
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"I found that all these tips and warnings really helped me gather my thoughts on what to do, what my next step is. This is special! All the people I know couldn't have given me all this advice because they all haven't been in that same place as me. Thanks." ..." more
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""Acknowledge that there's nothing special about your first love". As a teenager, I only have this one love who just smashed my heart into a million tiny pieces, and it feels good to know that this isn't it, it's not the end. There is more love to be had." ..." more
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"I'm currently trying to get over my first love. Even though I feel strange, I've turned to the internet to find shared experiences. This has some good points. I like that it focuses on self worth and getting yourself back on track." ..." more
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"I'm still heartbroken trying to get over my first love for a year but it's not happening. This article gives a little confidence and the genuine information which I really need to believe that this is normal and I can overcome. " ..." more
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"This was helpful. I recently got broken up with by a guy that I loved and still do love. I think about how happy he made me. Then I think about how he doesn't feel the same. This has helped figure out how to move on from him." ..." more
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"I couldn't move on from this boy I loved, but this really helped me. It showed me that there are other fish in the sea and that I'll find my true love one day! I always count on wikiHow to help me! I recommend it to anyone!" ..." more
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"Very inspiring and a good remedy for heartbreak. I love your articles. Please, I also need the services of the artist who made the graphic images. I am designing a book with images like that. Thanks. I await your feedback." ..." more
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"See your ex as a way to learn yourself - This is not the best tip to forget my first love, but this is the most respectful and loving way. It might make me still think of her, but I will be able to reflect on myself." ..." more
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"Not all of this might fit your situation or none of it but the underlying fact is anyone and everyone can get over a past love. So just love yourself more and know that you will move on." ..." more
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"Thank you so much. I just got "friend-zoned" with the first girl I ever loved, and this helped me so much. I'm starting to cry even thinking about her, but this really helps. Thank you." ..." more
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"It reminds me that I'll always have some soft spots for her no matter what. Love cannot be extinguished when it was special in some way. But moving on is now very easy and no regrets." ..." more
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"I broke up with my ex a few months back, but I'm not really over him. Sometimes, I feel I have lost myself in losing him. This article probably helped a lot. Thank you." ..." more
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"I broke up with my ex and it was painful, so I looked up how to get over your ex. It really helped me, I feel better and I'm ready to move on." ..." more
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"I started doing yoga daily, went to adventure camps, and I gave away everything that belonged to my ex-boyfriend. Now I am happy as hell!" ..." more
Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan you ever get over your first love?Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.It takes time to get over any love, but there are ways to help lessen the sadness. You can make this process feel faster by meeting new people, starting new hobbies, or really focusing on doing things you love to do.
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Tips
- Get rid of any possessions of your ex you may still have. Clothing carries scents of your ex and can remind you of them more than anything. Any notes your ex has written or pictures they have drawn need to be discarded as well. Looking at things that once made you smile will only make you feel worse.Thanks
- If your relationship ended, no doubt there was a reason. Try to identify the main reason, move on, and try to prevent the same mistake being made twice.Thanks
- Talk to some new people. Meeting new people will help you forget about your ex and put your focus on a new friends group. Join a club, volunteer, or go to a social event alone and mingle.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- "Don't drive yourself crazy. You know when something is right and when something is wrong. Don't be the crazy ex. Go be you and do the things you've been wanting to do. Hang out with the people you thought you wouldn't hang out with ever again because of your ex. Love hurts, love is great. It comes and goes but one day it will stay. Stay strong! "
- "Thinking about your future ambitions is the best way to avoid thinking about first love. If you think about your dreams, you'll believe that you can win whatever you want and that you're not a failure. "
- "Just remember one thing: everything happens for a reason, and you will definitely find someone in your life who truly loves you. People come and go but life never stops. Try to be positive."
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Warnings
- Even if you feel like you hate them, don't bad-mouth your ex. It will just make you feel worse.Thanks
- Checking your ex's Facebook is a bad idea. It will just make you upset to see pictures or read posts from other people.Thanks
- Don't use substances to help get rid of your problems. It won't help in the long run, and it might end up making things worse. Avoid drinking or taking recreational drugs when healing from a breakup.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201001/heartbreak-and-home-runs-the-power-first-experiences?collection=100364
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201001/heartbreak-and-home-runs-the-power-first-experiences?collection=100364
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201001/heartbreak-and-home-runs-the-power-first-experiences?collection=100364
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201202/4-science-based-strategies-getting-over-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201402/5-ways-overcome-your-fear-love
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201310/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/02/12/why-we-never-really-get-over-that-first-love/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201310/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201001/heartbreak-and-home-runs-the-power-first-experiences?collection=100364
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/naked-truth/201510/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201202/4-science-based-strategies-getting-over-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201202/4-science-based-strategies-getting-over-ex
About This Article
Article Summary
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Although it's hard to get over your first love, try to focus on the present by taking up a new hobby, volunteering, or joining a club. Alternatively, pursue a goal you had before the relationship, such as a career change or going back to school. Additionally, practice self-care by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy. You may also want to ask a relative or trusted friend to check up on you now and then to make sure you're taking care of yourself. To learn how to enjoy your past memories with your ex, keep reading!
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