This article was reviewed by Allison Broennimann, PhD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophie Burkholder, BA
. Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
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cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
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From blockbuster rom-coms to Hallmark cards to that one girl from high school’s engagement photos on Instagram, romantic love is everywhere you look. So when you don’t feel like you have it, you might be ready to give up on love altogether—we know dating isn't easy, so we can't blame you. But we can let you know that you’re not alone. We can also guide you through everything you want to know about whether you should give up on love, why you're feeling this way, and the steps to take for happier relationships (whether with a partner or yourself).
Things You Should Know
- When wanting to give up on love, take a break from dating and focus on yourself. Reflect on your romantic experiences and what you want in a partner.
- You may feel like giving up on love because you feel bad about yourself, are burnt out from unsuccessful dates, or have recently ended a relationship.
- Romantic love is not necessary to live a happy life. Many people get enough fulfillment and love from their family, friends, and themselves!
Steps
Is it okay to give up on love?
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1It’s okay to give up on romantic love if it’s not something you want. Romantic love is not required for happiness. People who take a step back from dating or romance may feel less pressure to find a partner and experience less stress and anxiety in their everyday lives. [1] X Research source
- Removing the focus from romantic love may give you more time to deepen friendships and move toward your personal goals.
- But just because it’s okay to give up on love doesn’t mean you should—it’s normal to feel frustrated with dating, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort.
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2Assess if romantic love and dating are contributing to your happiness. Is a romantic partner something you really want, societal pressure aside? Does dating or being in a relationship add significant stress to your life? Or is fear holding you back from dating? Do you have a history of trust or commitment issues making you want to give up on love? [2] X Research source
- Reflecting on these questions will help you understand if romantic love is something you really want or if you’re truly happier on your own (which is great, too!).
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3Giving up on love may negatively affect your health. Extreme loneliness and social isolation have been linked to mental health issues like depression and anxiety. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean you need romantic love. [3] X Research source
- Platonic love, like deep relationships with friends and family, is enough to prevent most people from feeling lonely or isolated.
Why You Feel like Giving up on Love
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1Low self-esteem You may feel like you’re not worthy of love or that no one wants to be with you. This low self-worth and fear of rejection may make getting into relationships difficult. You may not trust someone when they say they love you or have doubts about whether they’re being honest with you. [4] X Research source
- Let us assure you that many people feel this way—whether you choose to have romantic love in your life or not, everyone is worthy of being loved (and that includes you).
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2Past trauma If you have experienced abuse, loss, abandonment, or neglect either as a child or an adult, it can significantly affect how you approach romantic relationships. The effects of your traumatic experience may make it hard for you to trust or depend on other people. [5] X Research source
- You may also struggle to understand what a healthy relationship looks like if you didn’t have it modeled by your parents and other adults.
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3Negative romantic experiences If you’ve been unlucky in love or recently experienced a breakup, you may feel disillusioned about love. Especially if you’ve been cheated on or experienced a rocky relationship, it can be hard to jump right back into dating with an optimistic outlook or readiness to commit to someone new. [6] X Research source
- For example, maybe you had a recent ex immediately replace you with a new romantic partner. This situation may put you off dating in general, but it should just put you off dating your ex!
- Reader Poll: We asked 785 wikiHow readers who've had a loved one replace them, and 49% of them agreed that they would respond by cutting that person off . [Take Poll] So while it’s ok to cut off your ex-partner, don’t cut off all future chances at connection!
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4Trouble finding love If you’re actively seeking out and going on dates, and nothing has clicked, it’s natural to feel frustrated. You may feel like it’s not worth the effort to keep swiping through apps or meeting up with people—and you’d rather give up on love in general. [7] X Research source
What to Do Before Giving Up on Love
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1Take a break from dating. If you’re feeling burned out from dating or recently ended a relationship, take time to heal. Reflect on your feelings about dating and what you want in a romantic partner. [8] X Research source
- Get comfortable doing things alone: try walking, cooking , gardening, traveling, or making art.
- Spending time outside the dating world may give you a more positive attitude for whenever you decide to try at love again.
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2Fill up your life with other things you care about. Use the time you’d otherwise spend with a partner to see friends, family, and other loved ones. Invest in a new hobby or something you’ve always wanted to do, like visiting a new place or learning a new skill. Connect with yourself through reflective journaling , meditating , or practicing mindfulness . [9] X Research source
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3Raise your confidence and self-esteem. Identify negative beliefs you have about yourself and write them on a piece of paper. Write evidence that challenges those beliefs. Add positive things people say about you. Continue adding to your list whenever negative or positive thoughts arise, and keep your list somewhere you can see it. [10] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- For example, challenge “nobody cares about me” with “my best friend calls to hear about my day whenever she can.”
- When you have a negative thought about yourself, consider whether you would say or think that thing about a close friend or loved one. You deserve the same kindness and love they do!
- Try other ways to improve low self-esteem , like building positive relationships and taking on new challenges you never thought you were capable of.
- Building confidence takes time; be patient with yourself, and seek counseling if needed.
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4Build relationship skills. Learn about the different love languages to understand what you need in a relationship and how to give love to others. [11] X Research source Identify your attachment style to better understand how your behavior affects your relationships. [12] X Research source
- Learning strategies for healthy relationships can help you feel more prepared when you feel ready to find love again.
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5Begin to work through past trauma. Listen to reputable podcasts or read books to educate yourself on the effects of trauma. Reach out to trusted family and friends that you can talk to about your experiences. Look for local support groups or counseling opportunities. [13] X Research source
- Use self-help and mindfulness apps like Self Help for Trauma , PTSD coach or Headspace.
- Experiencing trauma during your childhood or in past relationships can significantly impact future relationships.
- Addressing and processing this trauma is a crucial step towards satisfying and healthy relationships, whether platonic or romantic.
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6Speak with a therapist. Find a licensed therapist near you or search online through platforms like Talkspace . A mental health professional will listen to your feelings about love without judgment. They can give you tools for healthier relationships, building your confidence, or finding happiness without a significant other . [14] X Research source
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7Decide whether to give up on a current relationship. Make this decision when you are not actively emotionally upset. Think through the positives and negatives of the relationship, including if the relationship improves your life. Ask yourself if your expectations for the other person are realistic. [15] X Research source
- If you want to work through issues with your partner, ask them to attend couples counseling.
- If your partner isn’t interested or you have seen a counselor and nothing’s changed, it may be time to walk away from your relationship .
- Remember that if a bad relationship is making you want to give up on love, you may not be experiencing love in that relationship. You may have a healthy and happier love waiting for you with someone else.
Reasons Not to Give Up on Love
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1Finding love takes work. For most people (who are not Disney royalty), love and relationships are not a whirlwind love-at-first-sight romance. You may have to go on many dates before finding a spark with someone, and you’ll have to put in even more effort to make the relationship last past the spark. Don’t give up just because things aren’t working out right away. [16] X Research source
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2Every relationship brings you closer to the right one. As they say, it only takes one! With each relationship you end, it’s more likely that the next one will work out. And remember that there’s no easy fix for relationships. Everything you learn from your past relationships can be put into making your next one better. [17] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- That being said, not everyone wants or needs a long-term romantic relationship.
- Past relationships help you better understand yourself so you can live a more fulfilling life for you and you alone!
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3You are worthy of love. Whether it’s from a significant other, your family, or your closest friends, you are worthy of love. Don’t give up on love because you’re frustrated or feel like you don't deserve it—you do, no matter where you’re from, what you look like, or whether or not you have a romantic partner. And the more you believe it, the more others will too. [18] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
Tips
- If your partner is showing signs of abusive or controlling behavior , that is not love. Remove yourself from the relationship and lean on your family and friends.Thanks
- If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in their relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at +1 800-799-7233. Help is available 24/7.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-design/201502/will-love-make-you-happy
- ↑ https://www.insider.com/am-i-ready-for-a-relationship-2018-2
- ↑ https://time.com/3446452/how-being-single-affects-health/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/low-self-esteem-in-relationship/#10_ways_on_low_self_esteem_affects_a_relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships#childhood-trauma-vs-adult-relationships
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20161205-how-break-ups-change-your-personality
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/18/dating-burnout-meet-the-people-who-ditched-the-apps-and-found-love-offline
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/communication-success/201301/the-break-up-cure-7-ways-to-heal-and-find-happiness-again
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-strengthen-your-connection-to-yourself#4
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
- ↑ https://www.millersville.edu/psychology/files/bland/bland-lovelanguages.pdf
- ↑ https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/how-attachment-styles-influence-romantic-relationships
- ↑ https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2018/06/dealing-trauma
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/stop-feeling-lonely
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/pieces-mind/201502/deciding-leave-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/love-is-a-choice-more-than-a-feeling
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/how-to-increase-the-love-in-your-life-brene-brown/all