10 Ways Divorce Can Change a Man

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A psychological breakdown of how men cope, adapt, and process a divorce
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Going through a divorce is a painful experience for both partners—the ordeal is comparable to the loss of a loved one and creates big changes for both people. Even though every divorce is unique, studies show that men and women generally experience them differently, with men facing unique challenges most women may not and vice versa. In this article, we’ll review the most common ways a man changes after a divorce and why, plus explore ways to cope with the changes.

Things You Should Know

  • Men may bottle up their feelings and feel isolated after a divorce, resulting in stress, anxiety, loneliness, internalized guilt, or a loss of identity.
  • Divorced men are more likely to suffer from poor diet, substance abuse, and other risky behaviors compared to married men.
  • Newly divorced men may rush into new relationships or be afraid to start dating again, depending on how their marriage ended.
1

Feelings of loneliness or isolation

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  1. Even though most divorces are initiated by women, women are more likely to cultivate sympathy and support during the split. They generally have larger emotional support systems than their ex-husbands, and therefore more people to turn to. Many married men, however, lean on their wives for emotional support and can feel very alone when that support is gone. [1]
    • This loneliness can lead to a loss of interest in social activities or a decline in a man’s social life, which only increases the feelings of isolation.
    • To combat loneliness , try to make yourself volunteer, join support groups, reach out to friends and family, or even consider adopting a pet.
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2

Increased risk of anxiety or depression

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  1. Women are more likely to seek out emotional support during and after a divorce, whereas men might feel pressure to skip the grieving process and continue on with life as usual. This is usually due to societal expectations that men show little to no emotions and “man up” when faced with adverse feelings. [2]
    • Bottling up emotions like this leads to chronic stress, especially during and right after a divorce. In prolonged cases, the stress can lead to clinical anxiety or depression.
    • Allow yourself time to mourn the marriage and express your feelings to friends and family members who can support you emotionally. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay after a life-altering change.
3

Decline in physical health

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  1. Due to lifestyle changes and possible depression, men are more likely to eat an unhealthy diet than women (especially if their ex was largely responsible for meals). They’re also more likely to suffer a lowered immune response to the stress, possibly because they initiate divorce less often. [3]
    • Men are also more at risk of alcohol and other substance abuse in general. The stress of a divorce can exacerbate this tendency.
    • After divorce, do your best to eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly. It will lower your stress, and the routine will provide some stability during the adjustment.
    • If you’re struggling with substance abuse, speak with your doctor or a therapist about finding alternative coping mechanisms.
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4

Internalized guilt and self-blaming

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  1. Men are more likely to be caught off guard or surprised by divorce. As a result, many blame themselves or their shortcomings for the failure of the marriage, especially if they already had low self-esteem. Men may fixate on happy memories and how they “messed up” or weren’t “man enough,” leading to deeper feelings of guilt and shame. [4]
    • Since men internalize their reactions more than women, they're more likely to bash themselves and heighten their negative feelings.
    • Ask whether your guilt is warranted or whether you’re blaming yourself for things out of your control. Once you understand your guilt, it will be easier to work through it .
    • Remember that divorce is not right or wrong—it’s whatever you make of it. Reevaluate your guilty feelings to come to peace with your decision or situation.
5

Loss of identity

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  1. A divorced husband may get stuck feeling like half of a broken partnership, especially if he doesn’t have a wide web of friends or social relationships to identify with. Men are also less likely to engage in new activities or meet new people on purpose, leaving them to struggle with their identity as a single person. [5]
    • Women, on the other hand, are more likely and willing to try new things or join groups after divorce, giving them more social support to lean on.
    • To get in touch with yourself after a divorce, try engaging in your interests or passion projects, going on a solo trip, or stepping out of your comfort zone to try new things and meet new people.
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6

Strained relationships with his children

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  1. Though joint custody is becoming more common, courts side with mothers more often than fathers. This means divorced men often don’t get to see their children frequently, leading to low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and a fear they’re missing out on their kids’ lives or that their mother is saying negative things about him. [6]
    • Depending on the childrens’ ages and the reason for the divorce, the kids may feel resentful or like he’s abandoning them, leading to harder dynamics.
    • Be clear to your kids about what's going to happen, where they're going to live, and what the arrangement will be to ease their anxiety. Let your kids know they’re loved no matter what.
7

Rebound relationships

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  1. Since some men feel expected to carry on with business as usual, they may enter a new relationship to prove they’re doing well. Often, though, they’re still preoccupied or feeling low from the divorce and haven’t worked through their feelings about it. This means they may struggle to overcome commitment issues in the new relationship. [7]
    • Onlookers may think a rebound fling is insensitive (to the ex and the new partner), but it’s often a coping mechanism for much deeper emotional pain on the ex-husband’s part.
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8

Trouble beginning new relationships

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  1. If a man was cheated on by his ex, he might fear being betrayed again in a new relationship. Other times, he may just feel too old, timid, or damaged from the divorce to try dating again. If you’re a divorced man, remember that what happened in your past relationship has nothing to do with future ones. Signs a divorced man may be afraid to commit again include:
    • Not telling his new partner he loves them after 6-12 months of dating
    • Prioritizing his job, friends, and family above his new partner
    • Canceling plans at the last minute
    • Avoiding meeting his new partner’s family or friends
    • Refusing to introduce his new partner to his friends and family
9

Risky behaviors

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  1. If a man is struggling to adapt to his new lifestyle or change, he’s more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors. In addition to substance use and risky sexual behavior, divorced men eat worse, are less likely to get regular medical care, and generally have a lower standard of living than their married counterparts. [8]
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10

Financial burden

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  1. Men are more likely to pay child support and may be on the hook for alimony if they were the sole or significantly higher income earner in the marriage. These expenses come on top of attorney fees, litigation costs, and other expenses, as well as losing half their assets depending on the property division. [9]
    • These adjustments can lead to financial instability and a change in lifestyle, depending on how much the man earns and what he’s ordered to pay.
    • On average, however, men’s income will increase in the years after a divorce while a woman’s income is more likely to dip and stay low for several years afterward (regardless of whether she has children). [10]

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      Tips

      • If you’re struggling to cope with a divorce, speak with a counselor or therapist about focusing on your mental health. Interact with your support network regularly and keep up self-care activities that address both your emotional and physical well-being.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about dealing with divorce, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-differences-in-divorce-for-men-and-women
      2. ↑ https://www.unhappymarriage.info/why-divorce-is-harder-for-men-than-women/
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-differences-in-divorce-for-men-and-women
      4. ↑ https://www.bonobology.com/alone-after-divorce-why-men-cant-cope/
      5. ↑ https://www.unhappymarriage.info/why-divorce-is-harder-for-men-than-women/
      6. ↑ https://www.unhappymarriage.info/why-divorce-is-harder-for-men-than-women/
      7. ↑ https://www.familylawsandiego.com/family-law-blog/2018/july/4-reasons-why-divorce-is-harder-on-men-than-wome/
      8. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health
      9. ↑ https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/4-reasons-divorce-harder-guys/
      1. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/25/divorce-women-research

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