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No one said that helping a man get over a divorce was easy — especially if you're falling for him. However, if you really have a connection with the man, then you should make sure he's really over the divorce by talking to him about it, being a source of comfort and support, and doing new things with him. You should also make sure to be patient with him and take it slow so he has time to process everything that happened to him. Once you treat him with love and care, he'll be on his way to moving forward with you in time.
Steps
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Listen to him. Don't brush aside his woes about dealing with his ex. Try to offer constructive listening space in which he can bounce off thoughts without being criticized by you. Feel free to give advice if he asks but don't be hurt if he doesn't take it. [1] X Expert Source Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 August 2021. It's the non-judgmental listening that counts most. Let him talk until he’s said everything he wants to say instead of interrupting him with questions or opinions. Right now, the thing he may need the most is a listening ear.- Hold back your judgment as much as you can. Maybe he didn’t act admirably during the marriage, or maybe his ex got off-track. You’re not there to make him feel worse about his behavior or to say bad things about his ex. That will only make him feel worse about the whole experience. [2]
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Expert Source
Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.
- Hold back your judgment as much as you can. Maybe he didn’t act admirably during the marriage, or maybe his ex got off-track. You’re not there to make him feel worse about his behavior or to say bad things about his ex. That will only make him feel worse about the whole experience. [2]
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Expert Source
Michael Dickerson, PsyD
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Understand that he’s vulnerable. Men are very vulnerable after they go through a divorce, and may feel very isolated, disappointed, and unhappy with themselves. Be prepared for the man to feel very vulnerable and open to being hurt, and understand that he needs you to be kind, loving, and sensitive. However, you shouldn’t take advantage of that vulnerability by trying to solve his problems by telling him how much you love him; focus on helping him heal as an individual before you start a relationship.
- If the man is vulnerable, it may mean he’s not open to jokes about his divorce, or even just gentle teasing about any old thing. He may be questioning himself a lot and may not get that you’re being sarcastic or that you don’t really mean what you say.
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Don’t ask too many questions. Let’s face it. You may be dying to know all of the gory details of the man’s divorce, especially if you’re dating him or thinking about him romantically. However, he may not be ready to reveal a whole lot to you, or to talk about all the pain he felt. Once your relationship deepens, he’ll owe it to you to let you know what happened, what financial issues he faces, what his relationship with his ex is like, and so on, but if you just want to help him get over the divorce, then you should let him do the talking.
- Prying too much can lead him to open up wounds that haven’t healed yet. He may tell you something he doesn’t really want to talk about just to be nice, and that will end making him feel worse. Don’t worry so much about satisfying your curiosity just yet.
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Do something new and exciting with him. One thing you can do to help a man get over the divorce is to try to do something completely new and different with him. He’s more likely to be thinking of his past if he’s going to the same bars and restaurants he frequented with his ex, running around the same old lake, or watching the same TV shows he and his ex used to love. If you want him to get over his divorce, then you should do new things together, from going hiking to learning how to make enchiladas. Though distracting him won’t be a good long-term solution, giving him something new and exciting to be passionate about can make him feel like he’s moving forward.
- Ask him what he’s always wanted to do but never had a chance to do. It could be going snowboarding, cooking a steak, or writing a novel. Encourage him to try something new and even support him when he does it. He’ll slowly feel his focus shifting to something he really cares about and will become more focused on the present and future than the past.
- He may be so upset about the divorce that he really won’t want to go out of the house or try new things, so you can encourage him to try new things without pushing him too much. If he’s really not ready to go rock climbing, then you may need to back away. But if he's feeling a lot of stress in the moment when you're together, you can try to do a simple, calming activity to help him keep calm.
- Reader Poll: We asked 605 wikiHow readers to tell us what they would do to help a man in their life relax, and 59% agreed that taking him for a walk is the best thing you can do to reduce his stress. [Take Poll]
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Be patient with him. You may think you’ve found the one and feel like you want to hold hands in public, introduce him to your fifty closest friends, tell your parents about him, and get him to go on a weekend trip to Tahoe with you the first chance he gets. However, he may not want to make that kind of a public commitment to you until he’s ready. Don’t rush him, or you may be putting the relationship in jeopardy or making him do something he’s not ready for. [3] X Expert Source Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 August 2021. If you really want to make it work, then be respectful of the fact that he needs more time than you may need.- If you’re constantly complaining about why he hasn’t met all of your friends or kissed you in public or even said “I love you,” then it’s not going to speed up the process. Putting pressure on him to do something he’s not ready for will only make it harder for your relationship to develop naturally.
- Of course, the things you’re asking for, like a bit of PDA and some more signs of commitment, are perfectly natural. However, because you’re dealing with a man with a heavy past, it’s going to take longer for these things to happen. That’s what you signed up for.
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Make sure he’s ready to date. If you’ve been with the man for a few months and still feel like he’s extremely sad, vulnerable, and emotional when it comes to his divorce, then it may not be the time to pursue a serious relationship with him. You may be on different pages, and you may want him to fully commit to you while he’s not ready. If you really care for him, then you have to make sure that he’s really ready for a commitment to you, or that you’re okay with having a very lighthearted relationship with a man who is figuring things out. If you can’t spend half an hour with him without the marriage coming up, him getting sad, or getting in a fight about why you can’t meet his kids, then this may not be the time to start the relationship.
- If you really think you have serious potential with the man but it’s not in the cards right now, then it may be best to see if you can pick things back up later instead of ruining what you have now when he’s really not ready for it.
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Give it time before you integrate him in your life. The man may need more time than the average man to do some of the usual boyfriend-like things with you, such as meeting your friends, showing affection publicly, being in a relationship on Facebook, or going on vacation with you. While you may want to bring him to your work functions, family vacations, or just a party at one of your friend’s houses, he may not be ready for that level of commitment yet. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care for you, but that he wants to take things slow.
- If you’re constantly asking him to come to things with you, then he may oblige you, but his heart won’t be in it. Wait for him to suggest that he’d like to meet your friends, colleagues, or family.
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Give him time to integrate you into his life. Don’t be mad or hurt if the man isn’t ready to introduce you to his friends or family. Remember that they were there during the worst and best of his former relationship and that they’ll need some time to get used to the idea of your relationship. If he has children, don’t ever ask to meet them until he’s ready to introduce you to them. Remember that he doesn’t want to confuse them about who you are or make them feel like his personal life is always changing. Wait until he’s ready to take these steps with you.
- Don’t get angry with him if he doesn’t invite you to family Thanksgiving, have you meet his buddies at happy hour, or introduce you to his younger sister quite yet. If he hasn’t chosen to do this yet, then he must have a good reason for doing so. Of course, this can’t go on forever, but you should wait until he feels fully over the divorce before you can take these steps with him.
- If his ex and children are in his life, try to develop a relationship with them. Be friendly to the ex and be helpful and kind to the children, if they are ready to accept you. Approach them slowly at first and wait for your relationship to grow. If you’re serious about the man, then you have to try to integrate into his life, when he’s ready for it, without pushing too far.
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Enjoy your relationship on its own terms. His spouse may have been anything that was too much for him, from being too involved in everything to being too boring. Either way, make sure you two are an equal balance. You should complement each other like peanut butter and jelly. If he's boring, show him fun, take him out, and introduce him to the hobbies you like. If he's too exciting and is out too often, calm him. Get him to stay in with you a couple of evenings, take him to a movie, and show him that you can have fun inside as well as outside. Be great for each other.
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Accept that there will be obstacles. There are things to overcome in every relationship. Outside influences can create problems. The main influences, if any, would be family and friends. They could place a wedge between you and your partner. Partners often want to respect their family's opinions, so you should as well. When he sees how respectful you are, he will eventually put them in their place. The important thing is that you two sit down and agree to overcome any obstacle that may be thrown your way. There will be many. Keep a positive mind for one another and you will prevail.
- There will be obstacles in any relationship you’re serious about. Though the divorce will present an extra set of challenges, the important thing is that you tackle them together.
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Be honest . Maybe you have some skeletons in the closet. His ex may have cheated on him and now he has trust issues. This now places you in a position to be afraid to be honest about your past relationships, and how you were the heart-breaking cheater once. It's perfectly fine to be honest. The best way to gain trust is to tell the truth. [4] X Expert Source Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 August 2021. Letting him in on your old dishonest ways assures him that you are ready to make a change and start over fresh in the relationship you're in. Just be honest, one-hundred percent. -
Be affectionate . Show the man some love. Look him in the eyes when you converse. It shows honesty and respect. Hold his hand in public, when he’s ready, to let the world know you're happy to be with him. This will give reassurance and boost his confidence in all aspects. Compliment him every so often to let him know that you like everything about the person you're with. Re-establish the man he was before the divorce. Give him back the joy and happiness you feel that he deserves to have. Love him unconditionally.
- His confidence may not be at an all-time high after the divorce. You can help him feel good about himself again.
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Keep it interesting. Keep him on his toes. Men like surprises. They like to know that you put forth effort to show your love. If you're not a "dress up" type of person, take him out to do something fun. If he's a busy man, then you have to put in a little more time when you’re with him. Put your phone away, get a babysitter so you can have a date night, or a quiet night relaxing. Random massages, baths, cards, gifts, or anything that makes him feel special can keep the relationship going strong. It’s important to keep any relationship feeling fun and fresh.
- Even when you feel settled and completely sure that he’s over his divorce, you should continue to do new things together while also deepening your love for shared hobbies.
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Don’t stalk his ex. While it may be tempting to Google his ex or to Facebook stalk them, in the long run, this will only bring you more pain and lead you to feel insecure about your relationship. You may think you want to know what they look like, what they do for a living, or where they went to high school, college, or pre-school, knowing these details will only make you feel worse instead of satisfying your curiosity. If there’s anything you really need to know about his ex, he will tell you, and becoming obsessed with them will only make you feel worse, like you can’t compete.
- If you really try to stalk them, you may even stumble across photos of your man and his ex together, and that is guaranteed to make you feel worse.
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Don’t bash his ex, either. You may think that making fun of his ex or calling them names will somehow make the man get over them faster and will make you look better. Unfortunately, the opposite is actually true; talking negatively about his ex will only make you look insecure, and will weaken your relationship, because he may get defensive and actually get on his ex’s side. While he may call them names, you don’t have the right to do that, and you should steer away from judging someone you don’t really know.
- If he’s mad about something his ex did, you can agree that it was disrespectful, but you should never call them names or curse them out.
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Don’t compare yourself to them. For better or worse, you and his ex are not on the same playing field. He may have loved them, and he may love you, but he hopefully wants to keep the relationship feeling separate. If you compare yourself to them and ask him if they acted like you, if they looked like you, or even — God forbid — what they were like in bed, then he’s only going to get upset, angry, or annoyed. If you want him to get over the relationship , then you should treat your relationship with him as a fresh start, not as a better version of his marriage.
- Plus, if you start comparing yourself to his ex, it may scare him off, because then he’ll start thinking of your relationship in more serious terms. He may not be ready for that, and even comparing your relationship to his marriage can set off warning bells in his head.
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Don’t bring up marriage too fast. You want the man to be beyond 100% over his first marriage before you even say the “M-word.” This can take many, many years, unfortunately, and you may have to prepare to wait for that. If you bring up marriage too soon, talk about wanting to have kids, or asking him to move in with you before he’s ready, then you’re going to doom the relationship. Of course, if you’ve been together for several years and he shows no sign of getting over his divorce or moving forward with you, then you may need to cut your losses, but if you’ve only been dating for a year or a little while, then you may have to be patient.
- When you do bring it up, make sure you do it thoughtfully. You don’t want to catch him off guard and make it feel completely unexpected.
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Don’t try to control what he does with his ex or his children. Be careful about never getting to the point of pushing him to cut off his ex, especially where there are children involved. He needs to remain in touch to run the partnership of responsibility he and his ex still have for their children. And it isn't for you to make the decision about the finality of who he does and does not interact with. If you have suspicions about anything, now is the time to find out or to leave, before you're too seriously into him.
- You don’t want to come off as controlling or he’ll feel smothered. If you’re secure in relationship, then you won’t care about him seeing his ex to settle routine matters. As for his kids, if you can’t accept that they’re a part of his life, then you’re not ready for the relationship.
- Avoid insisting that he do this, that and the other about his ex. He knows what he needs to do. All you have a place in saying is how any of his matters with his ex impact you personally; in that case, express it totally in how you are impacted and what you are worried about in terms of yourself. Being honest will help him to see your real worries, rather than assuming you're trying to put a wedge between him and his ex.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do you say to a divorced man?Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.Ask him how he's doing! Some men may be afraid of being a burden, so meaningful, unsolicited check-ins can be really comforting.
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QuestionWhat if I can't help him?Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.That's okay! It can feel uncomfortable and frustrating when someone's going through a tough situation that you can't fix. Focus on offering him a listening ear and letting him know that you're there for support.
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QuestionWhat can I do when he tells me he wants to be alone?Community AnswerLeave him alone and give him time to think.
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Tips
- Do not nag. Your complaining may add to all that is on his mind.Thanks
- Don't stay with him just because you feel sorry for him––many people go through divorces.Thanks
- Be patient with him. A divorce is a major transition.Thanks
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Warnings
- Dealing with random mood swings that may occur due to the stress he undergoes might be difficult.Thanks
- You may not get as much time with him as you expect to get due to the past that he's still dealing with (children, companies, divorce finalization).Thanks
- Adjusting to the lifestyle he is used to can be difficult.Thanks
- He could change his mind at anytime and decide that he can't achieve true happiness without his ex.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Michael Dickerson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.
- ↑ Michael Dickerson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.
- ↑ Michael Dickerson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.
- ↑ Michael Dickerson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.
- https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/26/dating-after-divorce_n_5367903.html
- https://madamenoire.com/312062/dating-a-divorced-man/
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