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Plus, how to handle or heal from a relationship with a narcissist
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Have you recently met someone who is incredibly charming, alluring, and downright magnetic? At first, this person may have bragged about themselves—drawing you even further into them. But now, their self-centered behavior might leave you feeling emotionally confused and insignificant. If this sounds like your date or romantic partner, you may be dating someone with prevalent narcissist traits. In this article, we’ll guide you through the top signs that someone you’re dating might be a narcissist, as well as how to deal with this person without getting hurt. However, keep in mind that only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Am I dating a narcissist?
If you think your partner has narcissistic traits, look for signs like frequent self-centeredness, condescension, manipulation, and a lack of empathy. While these signs (and others) may point to some narcissistic qualities, remember that only a licensed psychologist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Signs of Narcissistic Behavior
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Self-absorbed or self-centered behavior A central trait of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is being very self-involved. [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source If you are dating someone with narcissistic traits, your partner may talk at length about themselves, possibly in an exaggerated manner. They may also tend to dominate conversations and love being the center of attention. [2] X Research source
- Other common signs of self-absorbed and self-centered personalities include always admiring themselves in mirrors, commenting on their own achievements, pressuring you to do or see things their way, and expecting instant gratification to their demands (e.g. quick answers to phone calls, texts, or requests).
- For instance, you may find yourself hearing the same stories about your partner's great promotion at work, even weeks or months after they have transitioned into the new role.
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Condescending behavior While people with narcissistic tendencies can be incredibly charming and likable, they may also have a habit of putting others down. Often, this behavior comes from a need to demonstrate their own looks, abilities, or accomplishments. In truth, most narcissistic traits come from an extremely low self-esteem, but this low self-worth is hidden behind a false sense of superiority.
- As a result of this tendency, you may find yourself questioning your own self-worth or feeling particularly flawed in your partner’s presence.
- Does your partner tell you how lucky you are to be with them? Maybe they mention how many other people would love to be in your shoes, making you feel terrible about yourself.
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Victim mentality The self-centered behavior associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) also gives way to the tendency to play the victim. If you have a fight, all the blame might somehow land on your shoulders. If you disagree with a small aspect of your date’s ideas or opinions, they may say that you are sabotaging them.
- For example, maybe your date whines for days about how their professor treats them unfairly at school; however, they aren't willing to notice when they treat others unkindly. They only seem to notice when they are the one being mistreated.
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Manipulative behavior Along with a victim mentality, your partner may tend toward manipulative and exploitative behaviors. Your date may not necessarily be conscious of this behavior, but they might still use shaming or guilt-tripping to make you (or others) do things their way. In terms of exploitation, some people with narcissistic traits may (knowingly or unknowingly) use others for personal gain and then discard that person without actively considering their feelings.
- A lack of empathy explains why some people with narcissistic qualities can inflict hurt on others without feeling guilty about their behavior. If your partner has been legitimately diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then they may be nearly incapable of putting other people’s needs above their own. However, they may be able to “pretend” to care when showing empathy works in their favor. [3] X Research source
- For example, maybe you’re dating someone who never seems to care about listening to your family problems. Yet, when they visit your mother, they say, "Oh, they never tell me what's going on in the family! Please catch me up," in order to get on her good side.
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Difficulty handling criticism or rejection Does your date consistently have a negative reaction when they don't get their way? People with narcissistic tendencies generally have difficulty coping with negative feedback or consequences that lead to criticism, rejection, or disappointment. [4] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.- Your date may display a variety of responses to these negative, yet common, situations. They may demonstrate anger by having a tantrum and cursing you out or insulting you. Or, they may go the passive-aggressive route and give the silent treatment or withhold love and affection when you don't bend to their way of thinking. [5] X Research source
- Another common reaction to criticism, rejection, or disappointment is playing the victim. In this situation, your partner might guilt-trip or blame you for negative consequences in their own life that were brought on by their own actions.
- Keep in mind that many people may have negative reactions to things not going their way from time to time—that’s human nature and doesn’t necessarily make someone a "narcissist." However, if your partner almost always has overblown reactions to disappointment or rejection and often takes their feelings out on you, then you may want to see that as a warning sign.
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Section 2 of 3:
Recognizing Pathological Narcissism
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Identify the cycle of a narcissistic relationship. If you suspect that you are dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may be able to identify patterns in the highs and lows of your interactions. A narcissistic relationship cycle typically include three phases: idealize (or over-evaluation), devalue, and discard.
- During the idealize stage , the narcissistic individual may be putting their best foot forward. This person will likely be at their most charming and charismatic and may appear to be the perfect partner. They may tend to idealize you, as well, placing you on a pedestal and showering you with compliments, telling you that you are better than anyone else, and they may rush intimacy, trying to get very serious with you very quickly.
- During the devalue stage , the euphoria usually evaporates and the narcissist may change. This transition may happen gradually or overnight. The narcissistic person often becomes distant and may even become cruel or abusive in some cases. They may cheat, lie, manipulate, and fly into sudden rages. You may feel like you must walk on eggshells and begin to question your own behavior. You may go through many turns of this hot/cold, loves-me-loves-me-not cycle.
- The discard stage is when most relationships end (sometimes temporarily). If the narcissistic partner ends the relationship, it will likely be very abrupt with no sense of closure. They may give you the silent treatment and take pains to hurt you — such as removing all traces of your relationship from social media, making a big show of being happy in a new relationship, or possibly running a "smear campaign" in which they tear you down to make themselves look like the victim. This stage may mark the end of the relationship, or your partner may return and the cycle can start all over again.
- If you think that your relationship is following this pattern, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner has narcissistic personality disorder (which can only be diagnosed by a licensed psychologist). However, your relationship may still be toxic and you might want to think about moving on for good.
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Check for an extreme display of all features of narcissistic personality disorder. Any person may, at some point, act like a victim, manipulate others, or act with arrogance or feigned concern—most people have some toxic traits or act out when they’re triggered or upset. However, a pathological narcissist or someone that could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is more likely to display all of these qualities quite regularly. What’s more, diagnosed narcissists are (for the most part) typically unaware of or unaffected by how their behavior affects those around them. [6] X Research source
- For instance, do you often tell your date that you are feeling used, but they laugh it off as if it's a joke? This type of reaction makes it seem like this person is incapable of seeing their own faults or misdeeds, which is indicative of a narcissistic personality.
- On the other hand, many people worry or ask themselves if they are a narcissist when they do something or treat someone else in a way that they feel guilty about. Generally, someone who actively worries about being a narcissist is much less likely to be a narcissist, since someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will rarely recognize their own negative traits and their impact on others. [7] X Research source
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Determine if the behavior is long-standing and repeated. In addition to generally having very little self-awareness or concern about their harmful personality traits, someone with diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has probably been demonstrating these behavior patterns for many years. These behaviors typically remain consistent over a long span of time, perhaps starting in early adulthood or adolescence, and are quite resistant to change.
- Only a trained mental health provider can adequately diagnose and treat narcissistic personality disorder . Still, noticing long-standing narcissism in a person — or hearing stories from other loved ones and friends — can give you some clues as to whether your date has a more serious personality issue that should be addressed. [8] X Research source
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See if other areas of their life are affected. A person who demonstrates narcissistic behaviors to the point that they may warrant a mental health diagnosis will usually experience problems in many areas of life. Your date may not necessarily have a more serious form of narcissism if they show only one or two traits in one specific area of life, such as in a romantic partnership. People with true narcissistic personality disorder usually have traits that affect their ability to function in most social relationships and other aspects of life, such as in school or at work. [9] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Try to have a chat with your date's friends or family members, or reach out to coworkers or classmates. Ask these people "So, how have they treated you?" See if they share any of your concerns or complaints.
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Recognize the link between narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and depression. Many people with narcissistic traits may only seek help as a result of the urging of you or close family and friends whose lives have been negatively affected by their behavior. However, another reason that a person with narcissistic qualities may enter professional treatment is after experiencing depression. The sense of superiority and grandiosity experienced by people with diagnosed NPD may be severely challenged when this person experiences negative consequences like rejection—potentially prompting a depressive mood state. [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Do you notice your date getting really down in the dumps after a bad evaluation or when something doesn't go their way? Are they unable to shake it off and always feel terrible about themselves for an unusually long stretch of time? This behavior could be a sign of the person's sense of superiority taking a depressive dive.
- Again, avoid labeling anyone as a narcissist just because they’ve experienced depression or are struggling with their self-esteem. Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex mental health condition that can only be diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional. [11] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Section 3 of 3:
Handling a Narcissist
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Get support. Having a strong network of friends and family nearby to lean on is a great antidote to being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits. Simply having a shoulder to cry on after a particularly hurtful encounter or an ear to vent your frustrations to can be comforting as you learn to live with this individual . Be sure to choose a trusted adult that you can count on to keep your confidence, such as a best friend, counselor, or religious/spiritual advisor. [12] X Research source
- Reach out to a trusted confidante by saying, "I really need to talk to someone about my relationship. Are you willing to listen?"
- It may also be helpful to seek out and participate in local or online support groups for those who love people with narcissistic traits or diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Sharing your experiences with others who can relate may give you the support you need.
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Protect your self-esteem. Although it may be easier said than done, don’t take any of your partner’s narcissistic behavior personally. Condescending language, emotional manipulation, and blame can all eat away at your self-worth. Remember that these behaviors are a reflection of the other person’s insecurities, not your own. To counteract any negative impact from being around this person, support your own self-esteem and self-worth and refuse to be a victim. [13] X Research source
- Ways to improve your own self-confidence include practicing self-compassion (i.e. being good to yourself and not continuing condescending language internally), making a list of your best attributes or accomplishments, spending time with people who value you, and taking good care of your health and well-being through diet, exercise, and stress-management.
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Set and enforce personal boundaries. It’s important to accept that you cannot change your partner. Nonetheless, you do have control over how you interact with and react to someone who’s causing you harm—and being in a relationship with someone who consistently demonstrates narcissistic behavior is likely to cause you emotional pain. If you are considering maintaining the relationship, you must have boundaries in place. [14] X Research source
- Let your partner know that you will not accept insults from them. Reinforce this by pointing out disrespect or hurtful comments when this person becomes condescending.
- Learn how to say “no” and stand behind it. Guilt-tripping or blaming on the behalf of your partner can make you give in. Don’t. Let the person know “I’ve told you my answer. I no longer want to discuss this.”
- Refuse to react to emotional manipulation. Ploys for your attention should be ignored; however, when your partner treats you respectfully and acknowledges your boundaries, be sure to highlight how much you appreciate this treatment. “Thank you for respecting my decision on this matter and not trying to change my mind” is a great way to let the person know you notice progress.
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Suggest that the person get help. If you are in a committed relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, you may try to convince your partner to seek out professional help. There is research to show that, with intense therapy, a person can change these maladaptive ways of interacting with others. [15] X Research source
- You may gently suggest therapy by focusing on a situational example like "Hey, babe, I've noticed you have been pretty upset ever since you didn't get accepted into grad school. I think it would be a great idea if you went to see a professional to discuss your feelings about this." This is a great way to get the person in the door without them becoming defensive or denying the problem.
- Long-term talk therapy can help someone understand the reasons behind their emotions, thoughts, and actions and, ultimately, develop more effective ways of interacting with others.
- If your partner has symptoms of depression or other debilitating symptoms, their mental health provider may also prescribe medication to help with treatment. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Consider ending the relationship to protect your own self-worth. When it comes down to it, you are responsible for supporting your own emotional and mental well-being. If you find that being in a relationship with this person undermines your well-being, get out as soon as you can. Ending a relationship with someone who reacts in a narcissistic way can be difficult, as this person may tend toward manipulation or other toxic behaviors when hurt. Here are some tips on how to cut all ties with this person , if you deem that necessary: [17] X Research source
- Commit to leaving the relationship fully. Avoid maintaining even minimal contact, if possible.
- Don’t give in to manipulations or repeated promises that they will change.
- Start a loving relationship with yourself to pour in the love that your ex-partner may have withheld.
- Look to the future. Believe in your mind and heart that there are better days ahead. With time, you can find healing.
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Dating is hard, but you're not alone. We've put together these expert articles to guide you through some of the most common dating challenges.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow does a narcissist act in a relationship?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.They might also question your intelligence, immediately dismiss your opinions and points of view, or even mock and humiliate you in the presence of mixed company. If you tell your partner that you wish they asked about your life more often, they might say that's your problem and not theirs, which is born out of a lack of empathy.
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QuestionHow do I know if I'm dating a narcissist?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.There are many permutations of the narcissism disorder, so this list isn't exhaustive. However, narcissists tend to make partners feel incredibly known at the beginning of the relationship. Then, once the bond has been established, a gradual and subtle campaign of criticism and derision starts. Eventually, there will likely be a phase where it's obvious the narcissist regards their partner as a second class citizen relative to themselves. After that, the narcissist might enter the discard phase, where they'll suddenly leave the relationship (though they may return).
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Tips
- Remember that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are struggling with their own issues. While this fact doesn’t excuse any harmful behavior, keep in mind that most of these behaviors are symptoms of a mental health condition. Additionally, not all people with NPD are toxic or abusive, and not all people who are toxic or abusive have NPD. Approach each situation on a case-by-case basis, and consult with a psychologist if you need further clarification. [18] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201511/7-things-only-narcissists-do
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202003/if-you-wonder-whether-you-are-narcissist
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
- ↑ http://www.professional-counselling.com/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissistic-partner.html
- ↑ http://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
- ↑ http://healthresearchfunding.org/setting-boundaries-with-a-narcissist/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201309/can-narcissists-change
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/treatment/con-20025568
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201506/4-steps-leave-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
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