What Does It Mean to “Leave and Cleave” (And How Do You Do It)?

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What the Bible says about forging your own family unit to honor God
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You’re chatting with a friend who’s getting married, and they mention that they’re preparing to “leave and cleave.” Huh? What does that even mean? “Leave and cleave” is a religious principle that a newly married or committed couple should leave their family behind to unify with their partner. Keep reading to learn more about this Christian ideal and where it comes from.

Biblical Meaning of “Leave and Cleave”

“Leave and cleave” is a Biblical principle that means couples wishing to have a strong and blessed marriage should leave their families to start a new family together. It focuses on the need to prioritize marriage over all other relationships and become an independent family unit that honors God.

Section 1 of 7:

What does “leave and cleave” mean?

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  1. This Biblical principle comes from Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” [1] The notion is that a serious marriage cannot grow and become fully committed without stepping away from family. “Leaving” indicates that the couple is ready to start a new family together and prioritize each other. “Cleaving” means that each partner recognizes they are joined or united.
    • An example of “leave and cleave” would be a couple deciding to move out of their parent’s home and get their own place together. They’re cutting ties with their family to create their own life together, setting clear boundaries and establishing independence. [2]
  2. Many Christians believe that “leaving and cleaving” also represents unity with the Lord. Christians leave other gods and temptations behind to follow God and submit to His almighty power.
    • As Deuteronomy 13:4 says, “It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.” [3]
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Section 2 of 7:

How does “leave and cleave” create stronger marriages?

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  1. When a couple “leaves and cleaves” as a married pair, they show one another (and their families) they’re committed to each other. They love each other so much that they’ll give up their past lives to be together. [4]
  2. Away from their families, a married couple can establish their own routines and traditions. They have the ability to make their own mistakes and grow as a couple without judgmental or watchful eyes. [5]
  3. Extended family can be stressful, especially when it comes to marriages. When a couple sets boundaries and takes a step away, it can help them bond and grow with one another outside of family drama, judgment, and pressure. [6]
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Section 3 of 7:

How to Leave and Cleave

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  1. Talk to your spouse about what you both are seeking within the marriage. Are there traditions you’d like to uphold from your side of the family? Are there certain familial obligations you can’t get out of even when married? Being open and honest with your spouse about what you both want and need can help you set boundaries and cultivate a strong marriage. [7]
    • For example, this might look like alternating between which family you go home to for Christmas or how much you disclose about your relationship with your families.
  2. To “leave and cleave,” you must put your marriage and partner’s needs above other relationships. When you get married, your priorities shift. While you may have put your parents' and siblings' needs first before, now you can prioritize your spouse.
    • This can look like attending your spouse’s work event over a family dinner or staying in with your spouse if they’re unwell.
    • Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you should neglect your other relationships—find a healthy balance! While your marriage should come first, you’re still allowed to cultivate and nurture other relationships in your life. [8]
  3. “Leaving and cleaving” is all about putting your all into the relationship and building a strong foundation. While you may have been together for a long time, marriage is a new beginning—it’s a different kind of partnership. Be there for your spouse no matter what to show them your support. In turn, this will establish a level of trust . [9]
    • This can be as simple as giving them a shoulder to cry on after a long day or supporting their decisions.
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Section 4 of 7:

How does “leaving and cleaving” honor God?

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  1. As a child of God, you are taught to obey your parents and please the Lord: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Colossians 3:20). [10] When you get married, your obedience to your parents transitions to honoring them, as the Lord wants you to continue life with their blessing under His guidance: “‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise” (Ephesians 6:2). [11]
    • In the Christian faith, “leaving and cleaving” is a sign of opening yourself up to God and drawing yourself closer to Him, your spouse, and your faith.
Section 5 of 7:

The Impacts of Leaving and Cleaving on Families

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  1. While marriage is a happy moment in a Christian’s life, the concept of “leaving and cleaving” may be difficult for a wife or husband’s family at first. Think of it this way: they’re letting go of a son or daughter or brother or sister. They’re likely incredibly happy for you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t grieve the relationship they’ve had with you before marriage.
    • Don’t think of “leaving and cleaving” as an end but rather as a new beginning. Your family is growing, and while things may be different moving forward, it doesn’t mean there won’t be more good times ahead.
    • As the Lord says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” [12]
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Section 6 of 7:

Potential Challenges of Leaving & Cleaving

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  1. If you’re thinking about “leaving and cleaving,” it’s okay to feel sad or uneasy. While moving out or setting clear boundaries with your family may be difficult, know that it’s not goodbye. You’re starting a new chapter with someone you love, and your family can be a part of that journey in a way that’s healthy for everyone. [13]
    • Establish boundaries right away to keep your support system. [14] For instance, perhaps you chat with your mom on the phone every other Thursday or travel home on specific holidays.
Section 7 of 7:

What does “cleave” mean in the Bible?

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  1. When you’re married, you’re joined spiritually and physically with your spouse—this is an act of “cleaving.” You’re connecting and bonding with another person. Along with this, you’re making a commitment and adhering to Christian doctrine, putting your relationship in the name of the Lord. [15]
    • As Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” [16]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+2%3A24&version=NIV
      2. ↑ https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/embracing-your-new-family-of-two/
      3. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+13.4&version=NIV
      4. ↑ https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/embracing-your-new-family-of-two/
      5. ↑ https://donnareidland.com/marriage-made-heaven-leaving-cleaving-weaving/
      6. ↑ https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/embracing-your-new-family-of-two/
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      1. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Colossians%203%3A20&version=NIV
      2. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%206%3A2&version=NIV
      3. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah%2029%3A11&version=NIV
      4. ↑ https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/articles/why-leaving-cleaving-and-weaving-are-vital-to-your-marriage
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/cleave/#
      7. ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%2012%3A9&version=NIV

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