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Love is hard to define . From poets to psychologists to everyday people, the endless effort to explain what love is and means beyond “you know it when you feel it” has led to innumerable results. Making things even trickier is the concept of unconditional love, which some say is the only true kind of love, while others call it impossible. To believe in unconditional love, and to actually love unconditionally, requires a great deal of thought, action, and faith. Only you can decide if and how you can (or should) love unconditionally, but the following article will hopefully assist you on that path.
Steps
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1Consider the types of love that exist. The ancient Greeks did so, and defined four variations, as identified in How to Define Love . Of the four, the term agape most closely equates to unconditional love. Agape love is a choice, a decision made to love regardless of circumstances or disappointments.
- Thus, unconditional love means loving another in their essence, as they are, no matter what they do or fail to do. [1] X Research source People with children usually seem to understand this notion best of all.
- It is also learned and practiced. You must choose to love unconditionally. [2] X Research source
- Parents might counter that they had no choice but to love their children from the moment they laid eyes on them, but that initial flush of attachment is, perhaps imperceptibly, replaced by an ongoing decision to love the child regardless of circumstances.
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2Realize that unconditional love is not being “blinded” by love. A person who has newly fallen in love with another is often in this state, where they don't see the other person’s full reality, faults and all. [3] X Research source
- Such a state of love is (or at least should be) temporary, and needs to be replaced by a longer-term, “eyes wide open” type of love if the love is to last.
- To love someone without conditions you need to be aware of the conditions, good and bad.
- "Unconditional Love is not the case of being blinded by love but rather the resolution that nothing is more important than love." - Talidari
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3Consider whether romantic love can be unconditional. Some say no, because romantic love must function conditionally, as a partnership based on feelings, actions, and expectations. In this view, you can never love your spouse in the same unconditional manner as your child. [4] X Research source
- However, love is not the same thing as a relationship. Relationships are conditional, a “working partnership.” An unconditional relationship is a recipe for one-sided domination. [5] X Research source
- Thus, a relationship can end because the partnership does not function properly, and yet unconditional love toward the other person can remain. Sometimes ending a relationship can be the way to love unconditionally.
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4Think of unconditional love as an action more than a feeling. We usually consider love to be a feeling, but feelings are a response to something we “get” from someone or something. Therefore, feelings are conditional.
- Unconditional love is the choice to strive for the well-being of another. The feeling you derive from acting with love is your reward, the return you “get” from your own action.
- To love unconditionally is to act with love under all conditions.
- If you have to do something, or be a certain way, in order to receive love, that love is conditional. If it is given to you freely and without reservation, it is unconditional.
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I In Love?
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1Love yourself unconditionally. Unconditional love starts at home, with oneself. You know your own flaws and shortcomings better than anyone else, and better than you can ever know anyone else’s. Being able to love yourself despite this unsurpassable awareness of your own faults puts you in the position to be able to offer the same to others.
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2Make the loving choice. Always ask yourself, “What is the most loving thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment?”. Love isn't one size fits all; what might be a loving act toward one person could be harmful to another person, in that it doesn't help them get closer to becoming a truly happy human being.
- Unconditional love is a new decision you need to make in every situation, not a hard and fast rule you can apply to everyone all the time.
- For instance, if you have two friends dealing with the loss of a loved one, being the shoulder to cry on and engaging in long talks may be the loving choice for one, while granting some distance and silence may be so for the other.
- If you aren't sure what is the best way to help someone, you can ask them "How can I help you with this right now?"
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3Forgive those you love. Even if someone doesn't apologize , it's inherently loving to both them and yourself to let go of your anger and resentment toward them. Keep in mind Piero Ferrucci's advice that forgiving "is not something we do, but something we are ." [8] X Research source
- In religious terms, you’ll hear the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Loving someone unconditionally does not mean liking every action they take or choice they make; it means not letting such things interfere with your desire for the best for that person in all things. [9] X Research source
- If someone you love says something hurtful in anger, the loving choice is usually to let them know those words hurt you, but also to forgive their indiscretion. Help them to grow and yet know that they are loved.
- But don't mistake being willing to forgive for letting people walk all over you. Extricating yourself from an environment in which you are repeatedly mistreated or taken advantage of can be a loving choice for both yourself and the other person.
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4Don’t expect to shield someone you love from all discomfort and pain. Part of loving someone is fostering their growth as a person, and pain and discomfort are an inescapable part of growth in this life. Unconditional love means doing what you can to make the other person happy and comfortable, but also helping them grow through their inevitable experiences of discomfort.
- Don’t lie to “protect” the feelings of someone you love; support them in dealing with their feelings in the face of pain.
- For example, lying about a dire financial situation to spare pain is likely to foster more pain and distrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, supportive, and eager to work together to find solutions.
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5Love more by “caring” less. Wait, isn’t caring what love is all about? Yes, you want to “care” for a person in the sense that you strive for their well-being and happiness. You don’t want to “care” in the sense that your love is predicated on specific outcomes, which by definition is conditional. [10] X Research source
- So, not “I don’t care what you decide [because your well-being is irrelevant to me];” but instead “I don’t care what you decide [because I just love you regardless of your choices and actions].”
- You don’t love in return for actions that make you happy; you derive happiness from the act of loving unconditionally.
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6Accept yourself and those you love as is. You are far from perfect, and yet you are perfectly capable of offering love; they are likewise imperfect, but worthy of being offered love.
- Unconditional love is about acceptance—about not expecting others to make you happy through their choices and how they live. You can’t control others, only yourself.
- Your brother may be notorious for his bad choices, but that should have no bearing upon your love for him. Don't love because of how someone lives, but simply because they live.
- Reader Poll: We asked 406 wikiHow readers what makes them feel like their partner’s love is conditional, and 53% of them agreed that they felt like they’re never good enough for their partner. [Take Poll] To show your loved ones unconditional love, make sure to tell them how much you care for and admire them!
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I love myself unconditionally?Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.One way to cultivate self-love is by making emotionally healthy decisions, like avoiding toxic people and environments.
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Tips
- Practice doing something for someone each day with love alone. Do it without expecting anything in return. Do it without anyone knowing it. For example, you can pray for your friends or family members who live far away. You can send email, text, or a letter to someone whom you have not been in touch with for quite a while. Give compliments to other people. You can give a smile to a stranger passing by. You can pet your dog or cat. Do small things with great love each day. And watch your heart expand to more love.Thanks
- Love means wishing others to be happy. Love is about what we give not what we get.Thanks
- You don't have to be perfect to love somebody, just be honest.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- To me, when you say you love someone unconditionally, it means you are committed to loving that person with every piece of your heart. You see past the scars, flaws, and mistakes. You remember how precious and sacred they are to you. By merely looking into their eyes, you remember every laugh, every tear, every heartache, every beautiful moment, every strength, and every single moment shared with them. That, to me, is unconditional love.
- When you are struggling with loving someone, journal or say to yourself all the things you like/love about that person. Allow those things to saturate your mind, instead of the things that bother you or bug you about them. Whatever you think about the most will win out!
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References
- ↑ http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/unconditional-love-the-key-to-lasting-relationships
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-how-to-love-unconditionally/
- ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12019/
- ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12019/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201107/do-you-believe-in-unconditional-love
- ↑ http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Healing_Your_Ability_to_Love
- ↑ http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/unconditional-love-the-key-to-lasting-relationships
- ↑ Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness , p. 52, (2006), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-how-to-love-unconditionally/
About This Article
Article Summary
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To love unconditionally, accept those you love as they are since unconditional love is about acceptance. Even if someone you love says or does something hurtful, the loving choice is to express your feelings but then forgive them. Additionally, work on unconditionally loving yourself, flaws and all, since you can't truly love others until you love yourself fully. When thinking about others, ask yourself what the most loving thing you can do for that person is, and do it. To learn how to define unconditional love, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I always thought that having to be there always for someone is love. The truth is, I expected the same in return from those people and didn't get it. I did get it from others. I loved conditionally thinking I loved unconditionally. Now, I know what love is and I kind of have some rest." ..." more
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"I always thought that having to be there always for someone is love. The truth is, I expected the same in return from those people and didn't get it. I did get it from others. I loved conditionally thinking I loved unconditionally. Now, I know what love is and I kind of have some rest."
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"This helped me to reassure myself of my own feelings and actions regarding the examples of unconditional love given. I know I truly loved my former wife unconditionally. Her feelings came before mine and I always wished for the best for her. Even when I found infidelity in our marriage, I knew I would not stop loving her, that was forever and could never end. That was just me and how much I loved her regardless of the circumstances. I didn't contest the divorce, her happiness was all I wanted."
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"Tonight I was feeling so confused about love. I realized I need to know more about how to love. I looked on google and came to this article that explains so many aspects of love and now I feel loving going on in me, which includes all humanity."
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"I was crying while reading this. It made me realize I'm almost at the end of loving someone unconditionally by letting them go, by letting them have the best in life and future, even though that life doesn't include me anymore."
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"I was closing down & angry at my partner of 10 years because I felt betrayed. We have 4 kids and 1 on the way. Reading this article reminded me that he shows unconditional love, it's only fair I do the same."
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