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Dealing with death can be very difficult. You will likely experience a wide range of emotions, some of which may be confusing. On top of all this, you may be the person who is responsible for making arrangements for the funeral. This can be a big responsibility, especially if the deceased did not leave any plans for how he or she would like to be buried. With a little patience, though, you'll be able to put together a memorable and loving service to pay tribute to the deceased.
Steps
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Choose a funeral provider. If you're trying to make arrangements for someone's funeral, you're probably feeling a little overwhelmed. One of the first things you'll need to do is decide on a funeral provider to organize the service. In most states, there is no law requiring you to use a funeral home for your service. However, some states do require this. Search online to find out whether you're legally required to work with a funeral home. Even if you're not required to by law, it can often make arrangements much easier and less emotionally painful. [1] X Trustworthy Source Federal Trade Commission Website with up-to-date information for consumers from the Federal Trade Commisson Go to source
- Some factors to consider in choosing a funeral provider include location (ideally close to home), cost, and reputation or recommendation from other friends and relatives.
- Find a funeral provider who makes you feel comfortable, like they'll take care of you. It's important to have someone you can trust and build a relationship with, rather than someone who just wants to sell you things. [2]
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Expert Source
David I. Jacobson
Funeral Home Director Expert Interview. 14 July 2020. - Ask the funeral provider for an itemized general price list (GPL), which lays out the items and services available and how much they cost. Under federal law in the United States, you have the right to choose or refuse any goods or services you want.
- You should also ask the funeral provider if they offer any packages, which can often reduce the cost when compared to purchasing items and services individually. You can also call around to several providers and compare prices if the cost is a limiting factor.
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Give the funeral director the deceased's information. Once you've chosen a funeral provider, you'll need to give the director some basic information. This will help him or her make arrangements, acquire the necessary permits and paperwork, and put together a meaningful tribute to your loved one. Some information that the funeral director may require will include: [3] X Expert Source David I. Jacobson
Funeral Home Director Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.- the deceased's full name and Social Security number
- the place and date of birth of the deceased, as well as his or her place and date of death
- the deceased's next of kin
- your name, contact information, and relationship with the deceased
- the name of the deceased's doctor
- whether or not an autopsy will be performed
- how soon the service needs to be
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Decide which type of funeral to choose. If you are planning your own funeral, you can choose whatever fits your budget or whichever plan meets your needs. If you're making arrangements for someone else's funeral, check that individual's will for any instructions on how he or she wanted the funeral to be planned. If it's not specified, you can also ask that individual's spouse, significant other, or next of kin. There are three main types of funeral, and each type can range significantly in cost, depending on how simple or elaborate you want it to be.
- Traditional (also known as full-service) funeral - this plan usually involves a viewing/visitation, a formal funeral service with an officiant, a hearse rental, and the burial, entombment, or cremation of the body. This is usually the most expensive plan.
- Direct burial funeral - this plan skips the viewing/visitation, and generally skips the embalming since the body will not be viewed before the burial. The body is laid to rest in a simple casket, with the option of having a graveside memorial service.
- Direct cremation - in this plan, the body is not embalmed or put out for viewing. The remains are cremated shortly after the individual has died, and his or her ashes are transferred in an urn, with the option of a memorial service at a pre-planned location (usually someplace outside a cemetery).
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Make arrangements for payment. The actual cost of a funeral will depend on how simple or how elaborate you choose to make the ceremony and burial (if you choose to bury the deceased). For example, if you choose to have an open viewing/visitation, you may be required to pay for embalming. If you bury or cremate the body shortly after death, though, you won't need to pay for embalming services. The average casket costs around $2,000, though elaborate caskets can cost well over $10,000. What type of service you arrange will determine the financial responsibilities that fall to you and your loved ones. [4] X Trustworthy Source Federal Trade Commission Website with up-to-date information for consumers from the Federal Trade Commisson Go to source
- If the deceased has pre-payed for the funeral, making arrangements will be somewhat easier. If not, you'll have to work out how to pay for the goods and services you need.
- You may be charged additional service fees, depending on the services you agree to. You may also have to provide a cash advance if the funeral service providers need to purchase any goods or services from outside vendors.
- Most funeral service providers do not allow deferred payment plans. You'll most likely have to arrange the payment before the service.
- You can usually pay for a funeral with cash, credit cards, a loan, or the proceeds from the deceased's life insurance policy.
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Acquire a death certificate. Getting a death certificate is an important part of funeral planning. You will need this important document to finalize the deceased's affairs, including canceling credit cards and filing a life insurance claim. How you acquire the death certificate will vary, depending on where you live. In an open-record state, anyone can request a copy of someone's death certificate. In other states, you'll need to be either a relative of the deceased or be able to prove that you have some financial interest in that person's death.
- The death certificate will detail the deceased's name, social security number, parents' names, marital status, date and location of death, and cause of death.
- Death certificates are typically issued by the Bureau of Vital Records in the state that individual died in, which may not necessarily be that individual's place of residence.
- You can usually request a death certificate in person, over the phone, online, or through the mail.
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Place a death notice in the newspaper and/or online. Posting a death notice/obituary is a good way to let people know about the deceased's passing. It is also a nice way to pay tribute to that individual. Most newspapers will run the death notice for one day, with the option of running it multiple days for an added price. Many newspapers also post the obituary online, which will be accessible indefinitely. [5] X Research source
- Be aware of the cost. Some newspapers charge over $100 to print a death notice/obituary, and they can be even more expensive if you include a photograph.
- Some newspapers restrict the size of a death notice. For example, the Chicago Tribute has a minimum of the deceased's name and three lines of text, with a maximum of 70 lines of text.
- There is usually a deadline on how quickly a newspaper can print the death notice. For example, some newspapers require notice by a certain time the day before the notice is to be printed, while other publications may require even more time.
- You'll need to provide the deceased's full name, age, date and place of birth, date and residence at death, the names of the deceased's immediate family, any surviving relatives' names, any hobbies or accomplishments of the deceased, and any funeral or memorial service information you have.
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Contact and notify people close to the deceased. It's up to you and your family to decide how many people to notify and invite to the funeral. You may wish to have a small, private ceremony, or you may want a lot of people there, depending on how big the deceased's circle of family and friends are. Some important people to notify of the deceased's passing, if not invite to the service, include:
- any relatives, friends, and close neighbors
- the employer of the deceased (if he or she was still working at the time of death)
- a religious officiant, if the deceased was an active member of some religious community
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Select flowers for the funeral. Most funeral ceremonies and casket viewings involve a floral display. You have many choices, both in terms of what type or types of flower you would like on display, as well as any arrangements or patterns that you may want. These may be offered through the funeral provider, or you may have to supply your own flowers, depending on your preferences and which provider you choose.
- Sometimes flowers can be arranged into decorative shapes, like a cross or a splay.
- You may want to choose flowers that you know the deceased liked, if you have such knowledge.
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Arrange for transportation. Another important factor to consider when making funeral preparations is transportation. Many people arrange for a car or limousine to transport the immediate family of the deceased. This has many advantages, such as allowing everyone to be close together for comfort, as well as ensuring that the most emotionally-impacted relatives will not have to concentrate on driving while grieving.
- Some funeral service providers may offer a car or limo for an additional price.
- If the service provider does not offer this, you can make arrangements on your own by calling a transportation service and hiring a driver. Check online or search through your phone book for drivers and/or transportation services in your area.
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Dress appropriately. It's considered common practice to wear black at a funeral. However, there's no hard and fast rule about what color you have to wear at a funeral service. The general consensus, however, is that you should avoid wearing bright colors or "wild" patterns out of respect for the deceased and those who have come to mourn.
- It's usually recommended that women dress modestly. This means wearing a long skirt or pants and avoiding any tops that expose the chest area.
- For men, it's common to wear suits. However, if you don't have a suit, make sure you dress appropriately and modestly by avoiding shorts, T-shirts, and sandals.
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Express your emotions as much as you need to. If you have other close relatives at the funeral, you may feel some obligation to "stay strong" for other people. However, you should not take on this responsibility, as you may end up having more difficulties down the line if you don't properly grieve at the time of death. Remember that no matter how close or distant you were with the deceased, you're allowed to grieve, too. [6] X Research source
- If you feel like crying, you're free to cry. If you don't feel like crying, that's okay as well .
- You don't have to say or do anything that doesn't feel natural or comfortable to you at a funeral. Everyone there is going through the same sense of loss and grief.
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Reach out to your support network for comfort. It's okay to need the help and support of others, whether it's before, during, or after a funeral. Grieving for a close friend or loved one can be very difficult, and you may require some outside assistance to get through this trying period. Talk to your close friends and relatives about what you're going through, how you're feeling, and how you can all help one another through the mourning period.
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Talk to your child about the funeral. If you have a child, he or she may have a lot of questions about death and grieving during this difficult time. It may be difficult to have these types of conversation with your child, but it's important that he or she understands what's happening so as to avoid confusion and grief later.
- Let your child ask as many questions as he or she needs to. Try to answer every question as honestly and completely as you can. [7] X Research source
- Frame your answers in a way that a child can understand. Think about your child's age and previous experience with death (pets or plants, for example), and consider referring to these losses in your conversation.
- If your family is religious, you may want to talk about death through the lens of faith with your child. This may help your child process things, and it could provide him or her with some additional comfort.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I do to prepare for a funeral?David I. Jacobson is the founder of Chicago Jewish Funerals, an independent Jewish owned funeral provider that evolved into two funeral homes in the Chicagoland area. With over 30 years of experience serving families, David is a leading expert on Kavod Hamet, the Jewish traditions of honoring and respecting the dead. David is an active funeral director that serves people planning and in need of funerals, lecturing to congregations, community groups, and schools extensively about the values of the Jewish funeral as well as the dying process and the value of one’s legacy.Interview several funeral directors who have a good reputation in your community. Choose someone who makes you feel like they really care for you—you should feel like you can trust them and they're talking to you from their heart.
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QuestionWhat should I write on funeral flowers?Community AnswerIt's common practice to add a short note that includes your name and your condolences to the family of the deceased.
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QuestionWould it be all right to wear a white long sleeved shirt, a tie, and long black silky pants?Community AnswerYou may want to choose normal black pants to go with the shirt and tie because silky black pants could cause you to trip and fall in the cemetery. The pants could also rip too.
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Tips
- To make things easier for your loved ones, consider making your own funeral arrangements when you're in your 40s or 50s. [8] X Expert Source David I. Jacobson
Funeral Home Director Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.Thanks - If you receive flowers from friends or relatives, write down a description of each and who it is from. That way you will know whom to send thank you cards to after the funeral.Thanks
- Ask for help if you need it. You're probably dealing with a lot, and the people closest to you want to help you any way they can.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0303-choosing-funeral-provider
- ↑ David I. Jacobson. Funeral Home Director. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ David I. Jacobson. Funeral Home Director. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0301-funeral-costs-and-pricing-checklist
- ↑ https://placeanad.chicagotribune.com/death-notices
- ↑ https://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/article8.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
- ↑ David I. Jacobson. Funeral Home Director. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
About This Article
Article Summary
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Being in charge of a funeral can be difficult and overwhelming, but with some patience, you’ll be able to put together a memorable and loving service. If you're not sure where to start, ask friends and family for funeral home recommendations. When you meet with the funeral provider, make sure to ask for an itemized general price list, which will help you keep track of how much each service costs and prevent you from overspending. You should also take into account the deceased’s will and whether or not they had funeral requests, like being buried or cremated. Besides choosing funeral services, submit an obituary to the local newspaper and let anyone close to the deceased about the funeral. If the deceased was religious, you may also want to ask a religious officiant to speak at the funeral. To learn how to set up a payment plan for a funeral, read on.
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