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A relationship dealbreaker list designed to help you understand what you want in love
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This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
and by wikiHow staff writer, Caroline Heiderscheit
. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
There are 18 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 61,659 times.
Non negotiables: we all have them. Though love relies on compromise and acceptance, there are some things that you just can't budge on. Identifying your non negotiables can help you find your perfect partner, so we've included the most common and pressing dealbreakers below. We'll also walk through some "green flags" (or, signs that someone will satisfy your non negotiable); plus effective tips on how to compromise on things that don't make the cut. Let's get started!
Things You Should Know
- Non negotiables are things in a relationship that you can't compromise on. Typically, they're things that you know you absolutely need in a partner.
- Maybe your non negotiable is about the other person's personality: humor, open-mindedness, or independence might be important.
- On the other hand, values might matter more to you. For example, you might need someone to share your political beliefs or religious leanings.
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Maybe you just need to know that you want the same things. Some people don’t mind going with the flow, but for some, it’s important to know that they're on the same path as their partner. Do you need to know that your partner wants the same life (family, home, etc.), that you do? In that case, goals might be a non negotiable for you. [1] X Research source
- Green flags: when you ask your partner what they want, they confidently offer a specific answer. Even better, it sounds just like yours!
- What's more, you can figure this out early on by making it a fun first date game. “You know what I’d love to learn about you? What’s your dream life look like? Talk it out for me.”
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Telling the truth builds trust, and to some, that can be crucial. Maybe you’ve dealt with liars in the past, or maybe you just know that honesty is the best policy. But if you’re the kind of person who can’t accept any deception at all in love, then this might be a non negotiable for you. [2] X Research source
- Green flags: they fess up, even when it's hard or a little uncomfortable. For example, they might tell you when their ex reaches out to them, even though they know it might make for a tough conversation.
- Communicate how important this is to you to set a standard early. Explain in no uncertain terms that if you catch them in a lie , you’ll walk away: “I'm sorry if you don't like it, but this is a boundary of mine.”
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Tell your partner everything, and you can get through anything. You've heard it before: communication is key. If your partner can tell you how they feel with ease, talk through difficult relationship changes, and really value staying on the same page with you, then that makes a huge difference. Communication is a non negotiable for a lot of people, and it might be for you, too. [3] X Research source
- Green flags: they're willing to be vulnerable. Maybe they tell you about their fears, maybe they admit when they're feeling low. If you're partner (or crush) readily offers you insight into their experience, that's a sign that they're a good communicator.
- Create an open dialogue by fighting fair . The more you two trust each other to stay civil and kind during arguments, the more comfortable you'll feel opening up to each other.
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You might realize that you really want a supportive cheerleader. Reliability is a totally fair non negotiable. If you know your partner loves you, but at the same time, you can’t count on them showing up when it really matters—that can cause a lot of stress. If you know that this isn’t something you can compromise on, reliability might be a non negotiable for you. [4] X Trustworthy Source New York State Government Official website for the State of New York Go to source
- Green flags: when you have a big night, your partner shows up. If you need help, you know they’ll answer your call. No matter what!
- Show them what reliability looks like. You know how important dependability is; by being a true-blue cheerleader for your partner, you'll inspire them to offer the same kindness in return.
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You might decide that sex and intimacy are key to your happiness. Sex holds varying levels of importance to different people. No matter what dynamic you and your partner decide on, as long as you’re both happy, there's no wrong answer. But you might decide that for you, this isn’t an area where you’re willing to settle—you might need a partner with the same tastes and needs as you.
- Green flags: your communication between the sheets couldn't be better, and so you're never afraid to try new things together.
- Keep investing in intimacy, even when schedules get busy. Simple cuddles, kisses, and massages can go a long way in maintaining your spark . [5] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
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For some, casual dating is great, but for others, that’s not the case. You don’t need to explain your reasons to anyone—if you know that you need a firm commitment in order to invest in a partner, then that’s a non negotiable for you. And on a related note, that’s totally normal (and 100% okay!). The level of commitment needed from person to person may vary, but one thing’s for sure: for you, it's important to know where you stand.
- Green flags: you two want the same thing, whether that's exclusivity or marriage. And no one has to try to convince the other to take the next step.
- The truth is, your partner needs to want to commit too, so trying relationship “hacks” to force exclusivity probably won’t work well in the end. The best thing you can do is communicate what you need early on, and ask them to be honest about they want, too. [6] X Research source
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Clear expectations are key for a lasting relationship. It's important that you and your partner are on the same page and have a similar understanding of what commitment looks like.
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You might realize that you need extra time alone—that’s normal. In any relationship, partners should feel like they’re still their own person. But for some, an extra level of independence might be necessary. Maybe you need a partner who has their own interests, friends, and activities. And that way, you can have the same freedom in your relationship , too. [7] X Research source
- Green flags: your partner sculpts, plays soccer, and volunteers; their schedule is full. And they love that you're the same way (rather than feeling annoyed to share your time).
- Follow the 80-20 rule . There's an idea that at an absolute maximum, people can only get 80% of their necessary fulfillment from a partner. Remind your partner that if you two try to be everything to each other, you'll both go without.
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To some, a life without laughter is just not acceptable. Laughing relieves stress, keeps us healthy, and it’s just plain fun—so if you need a partner who can get you giggling, that makes total sense. Plus, laughing is a great way to feel close to the one you love, so for you, maybe a sense of humor is something you just can't compromise on. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Green flags: your partner keeps you in stitches. They turn everyday, stressful errands (like the DMV) into a silly, laughter-filled experience.
- Find opportunities to be playful with your partner . Ask to race them to the train, tickle them in bed, or do your best impression of them.
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A lot of people want to chase success with their partners. Maybe you’re a super goal-oriented person, and you dream of having an inspiring partner by your side. If you need someone who challenges you and who has exciting dreams, that’s a common non-negotiable. For some, ambition even factors into physical attraction.
- Green flags: when you ask your partner about their goals, they have an answer—and it's one they've been working at consistently for a long time.
- Support your boo . You shouldn’t try to change your partner, but be their cheerleader, and you'll inspire them to shoot for new heights. [9] X Research source
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Positivity can make life sunnier, and maybe you need that in love. The world can be a tough place, but an optimistic partner helps keep things light. If you know that you just can’t stomach nay-saying, complaining, and too-dreary an outlook, negativity could be an area where you’re unwilling to compromise. [10] X Research source
- Green flags: your partner is great at finding perspective. Early on, you might notice that when bad things happen, they manage to find the bright side.
- Compliment your partner . Positivity creates a feedback loop, so the more positive you are with your love, the more they will be with you (and so on!). Through flattery, you can make your relationship sunnier and show appreciation, too.
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Forward thinking, empathetic partners can make you feel accepted. Some people find it difficult to relate to people who are stuck in their ways, or unwilling to bend their beliefs. Maybe for you, it's important to date someone who accepts all people. That makes total sense! In this case, open-mindedness might be an important non negotiable in your book.
- Green flags: they ask questions (more than they offer opinions). An open-minded person will be curious about other's experience instead of passing judgment. [11] X Research source
- Volunteer together to boost you and your partners' empathy levels. Choose a cause that the two of you care about, or one you're not familiar with yet.
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For some, envy is too stressful to deal with in love. Though some level of jealousy is normal in any relationship, if your partner is racked with worry (and expressing that to you), it may not feel sustainable. For that reason, you might just know that with certain jealous behaviors, you can’t deal. And because of that, it’s a non-negotiable. [12] X Research source
- Green flags: your partner's first instinct is to trust, not to lash out. If they are curious about your relationship with someone, they ask you calmly to explain and take your word as truth.
- The more upfront you are about the goings on in yours (and your partner’s) life, the more trust you’ll build over time. So after awhile, you'll easily manage jealousy .
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If your loved ones can’t get along, that might be a non negotiable. Maybe you’ve always pictured happy holidays with your family, and vacations with your partners’. If you know you want to spend time with extended relatives throughout your life (and your partner doesn’t, or their family makes it too difficult), then that might be something you just can’t compromise on. Or if your partner wants more family time than you do, that misalignment could also be a firm boundary. [13] X Research source
- Green flags: your partner came to your sister's birthday, and you attend their family BBQs. You actually look forward to time with each other's family.
- Remember that even if it's super tough to deal with certain in laws , your partner makes it worth it. If there are serious issues with certain relatives, it might even be worth setting a boundary to keep the peace.
- Make sure to talk to your partner about expectations when it comes to meeting and spending time with each other’s family. This way, miscommunication issues are less likely to arise down the line.
- Reader Poll: We asked 807 wikiHow readers who've been in a situationship, and only 11% of them said they realized they were in one because their partner hasn’t introduced them to friends and family. [Take Poll] If your partner hasn’t introduced you to their family, talk to them about it. There could be all kinds of reasons they haven’t introduced you, so don’t automatically assume it’s a red flag.
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Partners with money problems can cause stress—maybe you can't deal. Perhaps for you, a big part of trusting your partner and feeling secure means having stable finances. If you know that you’re dating someone who spends unwisely (or at least, in a way that you don’t agree with) that might just be something you can’t accept in a relationship. [14] X Research source
- Green flags: though asking about money early on isn't ideal, it's more about sharing the same romantic-financial philosophy. Maybe you two will plan to make every major money decision together, or maybe you think it's better to have separate accounts.
- Pro tip: consider keeping at least some of your finances private. That way, you two can both keep some independence, agency, and comfort, without letting finances get in the way .
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Maybe you’ve got a strict policy on drugs or alcohol. No matter your reasons, this is a totally valid non negotiable. Maybe alcohol stresses you out, or recreational drugs just aren’t your style. If you know that you don’t want a partner who abuses (or even casually uses) substances like this, you don’t have to bend on that. And on top of that, it's well known that addiction and drug abuse can cause serious rifts in any relationship. [15] X Research source
- Green flags: your partner respects your boundaries, and doesn't try to convince you to change. Or, maybe they share your same philosophy.
- To avoid miscommunication and hurt, communication exactly what you need, early on. That way, everyone's on the same page: "I can't be with someone who uses drugs of any kind. I really mean that."
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For some, spiritual compatibility is a must. Maybe you know you want to raise kids in your church, or maybe you just really want someone who has faith at the center of their lives. In a partner, you might need them to be in your same religion or prioritize religion to the same extent that you do. On the other hand, maybe you just need to know that your partner believes in something bigger. In general, spirituality can offer a helpful foundation in a relationship. [16] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Green flags: your faith is important to them too. For a lot of religious people, faith is even more important than close relationships. So there's a good chance that for your ideal partner, religion will be a non negotiable, too.
- Put faith at the center of your relationship . Spend time talking about religion, reading religious books, and worshipping together.
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Politics can shape a person's life, so maybe it's a dealbreaker for you. Though some people couldn't care less about where their partner falls on the political spectrum, for a lot of people, alignment is crucial. Politics can say a lot about a person's values and inner heart, so maybe for you, it's important that they match yours. [17] X Research source
- Green flags: they're upfront about their voting history. If politics are important to someone, it's likely that they won't keep theirs private. So ask your crush or partner what's important to them in a platform and see what they say.
- Together, stay up to date on current events and debate when you disagree. By staying super engaged in the landscape, you'll both naturally become more politically active (together!).
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If you and your partner hold the same things dear, it'll be easier to bond. Understanding and connection is central to any relationship. And you may have learned that to really get your partner, it helps to have a similar outlook. Maybe you want a partner who puts a high value on health, maybe you need someone who's loyal to the core. If you need to have overlapping values, it might be a dealbreaker. [18] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Green flags: When you two discuss serious things, like world events or your childhoods, you're on the same page. Because you think similarly and value the same things, you'll find that agreement and understanding follow.
- You can't change a person's true values, but nothing's stopping you from respecting them. If your partner's values differ from yours, find ways to admire and respect them.
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If you two share the same hobbies, it'll be easier to share a life. Maybe to you, your activities are everything! Whether it's book club, rock climbing, Dungeons & Dragons, or sculpting, you know that you want your partner to love what you love. You might feel like this is the best way to connect deeply with your partner, and for you, it might just be a non negotiable. [19] X Research source
- Green flags: you'll probably know off the bat whether someone likes the same things you do. But if they don't, look for someone who's curious about everything. Even if they're not obsessed with your hobby now, in time, they could be!
- Try asking someone out who already loves what you love. That cute person in your running club is perfect! Or, if you're already in a relationship, try showing an interest in your partner's favorite things (then, ask them to do the same).
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References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/change-in-relationships-what-to-do-when-your-partner-changes#types-of-changes
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/work-communication-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/11-ways-to-help-yourself-to-a-better-sex-life
- ↑ https://www.bolde.com/force-your-partner-commit-break-up-instead/
- ↑ https://assets.campbell.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/22122441/characteristics-of-healthy-romantic-relationships.pdf
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_laughter_brings_us_together
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/motivate-your-partner/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202002/how-negativity-can-ruin-relationships
- ↑ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/recognize-signs-closed-mindedness-open-mindedness-you-ray-dalio
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-poisonous-effect-of-jealousy-on-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.adelphi.edu/news/want-a-stronger-marriage-be-sure-you-agree-about-the-in-laws/
- ↑ https://assets.campbell.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/22122441/characteristics-of-healthy-romantic-relationships.pdf
- ↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/12/religion-relationships
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/06/learning/how-important-is-it-to-you-to-have-similar-political-beliefs-to-your-family-and-friends.html
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/202010/the-importance-shared-interests-in-relationships
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
and by wikiHow staff writer, Caroline Heiderscheit
. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 61,659 times.
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