How to Overcome Lust

Co-authored by Donna Novak, Psy.D and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: July 4, 2024 Fact Checked

It’s completely normal to experience lust, or sexual desire. Your feelings might be focused on a particular person, or you might be drawn to activities like masturbating or watching pornography . But sometimes, these desires can be overwhelming or unwanted. If you just can’t shake those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, don’t worry—there are things you can do to manage them. If you’re not having much luck dealing with it on your own, your doctor or a counselor can help.

1

Set boundaries for yourself.

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Avoiding temptations can help you manage your desires. For instance, if you’re tempted to look at porn whenever you’re on your computer, download an app or browser extension to block tempting websites . Or, if you’re struggling with sexual feelings about a particular person, limit how much time you spend with them if possible. ^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Making your activities more public can make it harder to give in to sexual urges . For instance, try using your computer in a public place, like a park bench or coffee shop, instead of while you’re alone in your room.
- If you go out to a bar or the beach, bring a friend who can distract you and keep you busy so you’re not scoping people out.
- If you're lusting over a specific person, avoid checking their social media or doing things to get their attention. ^{[2]
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 Research source
 [v161898_b01]. 19 August 2021.}

2

Make a list of reasons to resist.

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Clearly defining your values can strengthen your resolve. When you set a goal for yourself—whether it’s eating healthier or getting better at resisting sexual temptation—it helps to have a clear idea of why you’re doing it. ^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Write down the main reasons why overcoming lust is important to you, and review it any time you feel your resolve starting to slip. For example, your reasons might include things like:
- “I want to wait on having sex until I’m married, because sexual intimacy is sacred and special to me.”
- “I’m trying to resist temptation because I want to be faithful to my spouse.”
- “Self-discipline is an important part of my spiritual beliefs. I want to overcome lustful thoughts to improve my relationship with my higher power.”
- “I don’t want my unwanted sexual urges and behaviors to damage my relationships or cause problems in my professional life.”

3

Identify your triggers.

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Understanding your desires makes it easier to control them. Next time you experience feelings of lust, think about what’s going on. For example, do you get more unwanted sexual thoughts when you’re stressed out or bored? ^{[4]
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Research source} What about when you’re around certain people or in specific places (like at the beach or in a bar)? Write down a list of things that seem to trigger those unwanted thoughts and feelings, and jot down some ideas about how to deal with those triggers. ^{[5]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.}
- For instance, if you realize that those lustful thoughts show up more when you’re bored, look for ways to keep your mind busy. Try listening to music or a fun podcast while you’re doing boring tasks, like folding laundry.
- You might realize that you’ve been using sexual thoughts or behaviors to cope with stress . Set an intention to find new coping methods and form healthier habits.

4

Find healthy ways to keep yourself busy.

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Blow off steam and distract yourself with fun hobbies and activities. Next time you start dwelling on sexual thoughts, go for a run or call up a friend to chat. You could also do something creative, like painting, playing an instrument , or cooking a nice meal. ^{[6]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} This will help take your mind off of your unwanted desires. ^{[7]
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Research source}
- Focus on activities that help you feel good about yourself instead of focusing on the person you're lusting over. ^{[8]
 X
 Research source
 [v161898_b01]. 19 August 2021.}

5

Rekindle your romance with your significant other.

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Strengthening your relationship may reduce temptation. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, remind yourself of what you find attractive about your partner. Make an effort to spend quality time with them. Go out of your way to nurture love, affection, and physical intimacy in the relationship. ^{[9]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} This will help you refocus your thoughts and desires on your SO instead of other people. ^{[10]
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Research source} If you’re not sure how to get the spark going again , here are a few things to try: ^{[11]
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- Schedule a little time each day—even if it’s just 10-15 minutes here and there—to talk about fun things. Make it a rule not to discuss work, school, kids, or any other day-to-day business during this special time!
- Make a list of the top 10 things you love most about your SO, or of your favorite memories together.
- Do something new together, like going on a weekend trip, taking a dance class, or checking out a new restaurant in your neighborhood.
- Practice physical intimacy. Even if you’re not having sex, there are other ways to show physical affection, such as hugging , kissing , or giving each other back rubs.
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Don't let the past cast a shadow on the present. If you have regrets about your past struggles with lust, don't be afraid to take steps that'll help you move forward productively. Any worthwhile partner will respect your journey and celebrate the person you've become!