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A deep-dive into relationship reassurance, backed by psychology
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This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
There are 10 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 20,189 times.
Do you feel like you need a lot of reassurance from your partner but aren’t sure why? Or, on the other hand, do you wish you knew how to be more reassuring toward your partner? Either way, we can help! Reassurance is a complex subject because it can be a very important part of relationships—but it can also be a warning sign of relationship anxiety. Read on to learn all about reassurance in relationships and how to give it, plus tips on what to do if you become overly dependent on your partner’s reassurance.
Things You Should Know
- Reassurance in relationships refers to a need for validation or affirmation that your partner has genuine feelings for you. It’s natural to need reassurance occasionally!
- Offer your partner reassurance through words of affirmation (like saying “I love you”). Spend lots of quality time together and express gratitude for them as well.
- Being able to reassure yourself is even more important than getting it from a partner. Affirmations and journaling are great ways to boost your self-assurance.
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
What does reassurance in relationships mean?
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Reassurance means needing confirmation of a partner’s feelings. Do you ever feel worried about your relationship? Or maybe you're insecure about your partner’s feelings for you, so you want them to reaffirm their affection? Reassurance is that sense of validation you get when your partner soothes some of your romantic worries. It's natural to stress about your relationship from time to time, so everyone needs some occasional reassurance. [1] X Research source
- For example, questions like “Do you love me?” or “Are we really best friends?” can indicate a need for reassurance in relationships.
- If you have relationship anxiety, you may find your need for reassurance is repetitive. For example, you might bring up the same issue over and over again because you can’t stop feeling anxious about it.
- The more partners develop a strong trust in one another, the less likely they are to need reassurance. That’s because they likely already feel supported and reassured by everyday interactions with one another.
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Section 2 of 5:
How to Give Reassurance in a Relationship
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1Pay them meaningful compliments. Use compliments to remind your partner of all the reasons you’re attracted to them—from their personality to their appearance. Your partner might need a little reassurance that you still prize those qualities as high as you always have! Be sure to explain why you feel the way you do rather than just listing off qualities you like.
- For example, you could say, “I’ve always loved how insanely smart you are. It makes every conversation we have that much more fun, and I love hearing just how much you know about the world! I’m in awe every time.”
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2Spend plenty of quality time together. Quality time is an unspoken reassurance that you really like spending time with your significant other. After all, if you make lots of time for them, you must still adore having them in your life! Even if you don’t necessarily need to give constant verbal assurance, quality time is something you and your partner can do regularly as long as you’re together! [2] X Research source
- For example, schedule regular date nights with your partner to show them that you’re committed to spending time with them.
- Enjoy everything from formal banquets to casual block parties at your partner’s side. They’ll see how much you love being around them as you spend more time together.
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3Use words of affirmation (including “I love you”). As obvious as it might seem, words of affirmation are a prime example of reassurance in relationships! And, if you take the initiative to say “I love you” (rather than waiting for your partner to ask), they can take it as a surefire sign that your feelings are genuine. Make a point to verbalize your feelings for them on a regular basis. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- There are plenty of ways to say “I love you” beyond the obvious. For example, you could say, “You’re my favorite person,” or “You’re the sweetest part of my life. I’m so happy I know you.”
- However you choose to do it, be sure to incorporate words of affirmation into your vocabulary—especially if that’s your partner’s love language.
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4Support their dreams and ambitions. Your partner is more likely to feel secure in the relationship if they know you support them . Encourage them to chase their dreams, become their biggest cheerleader, and inspire them to become the best version of themselves. As you encourage them, your partner will be able to see how much confidence you have in their abilities! [4] X Research source
- For example, if your partner is up for a promotion at work, tell them you completely believe in their ability to score it successfully. It might also help to remind them that, no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them.
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5Discuss the future with your partner. Bringing up the future implies that the relationship is far more than just a passing fancy for you—something your partner can get reassurance from! In fact, your partner may be hoping you’ll talk about the future so they can tell you’re serious about the relationship without having to come out and ask you about it. [5] X Research source
- For instance, you could ask them about going on a trip with you in a few months.
- Alternatively, if you’re sure this is the person you want to be with long-term, you could even talk about where you’d like to be 5 or 10 years from now.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Open communication helps you both be on the same page. Do you both have the same long-term mindset for the relationship? Do your goals and lifestyles seem compatible in the long-term? Discussing these questions can provide helpful clarity for you and your partner.
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6Trust in their judgment and loyalty. Trust is one of the most important parts of any relationship; if your partner sees that you trust them, they’ll know you think highly of their character. The easiest way to demonstrate trust is to refrain from doubting or questioning their loyalty. Your bond with them will steadily grow as you show confidence in your partner’s faithfulness! [6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, if your partner says they’re planning on hanging out with a few old friends, simply say “okay” and wish them a great day rather than react with doubt over their spending time with other people.
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7Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner. Gratitude can show your partner that you truly see and value everything they do for you in the relationship—and that you don’t take them for granted. In other words, gratitude may be really reassuring for your partner to hear! Be sure to thank them when they do nice things for you, and tell them you’re grateful to have them as your partner. [7] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, if your partner does the dishes on a night you’re feeling stressed and overworked, you could say, “Thank you! You didn’t have to do that, so I appreciate that you took the time to make my night easier.”
- “I want you to know that I really value everything you do for me. You’re so thoughtful and nurturing, and I’m grateful you’re in my life.”
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8Apologize during conflicts when you’re in the wrong. Arguments can be a tricky (but natural) part of any relationship. As unpleasant as it can be to disagree with your significant other, being willing to apologize may reassure them that fixing the situation is more important to you than being right. It says a lot about how much you care about your partner, even in the moments when you’re fighting! [8] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Be sure to offer a sincere apology. Acknowledge what happened and how it made your partner feel. Then, say, “I’m sorry,” and explain how you’re going to try and make amends.
- For example, say something like, “I’m truly sorry for losing my temper. I’ve been stressed lately, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior. I know I upset you, and I’m going to work on managing my stress so I don’t take it out on you.”
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Section 3 of 5:
Is it normal to need reassurance in relationships?
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1It’s normal to need occasional reassurance, but not all the time. Don’t feel bad if you need your partner’s reassurance from time to time—that’s to be expected! We all have moments of worry, and a caring partner will hopefully be happy to reassure you. However, self-validation (in other words, reassurance from yourself) is far more important than external validation from a partner. You’re an amazing person and deserve to remind yourself of that every day, too. [9] X Research source
- Your partner should be willing to reassure you sometimes, but more than that, be willing to reassure and validate yourself in moments of insecurity or doubt.
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2You may have an underlying issue if you need constant reassurance. A strong desire for reassurance can hint at unresolved attachment issues from your younger days. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior you use to interact with others, often based on the relationships you had as a child. However, some attachment styles can lead to relationship anxiety and a need for reassurance. [10] X Research source The 4 main attachment styles are:
- Anxious. Having an anxious attachment style can result in a tendency to worry about the reliability of relationships, usually due to inconsistent caregivers during childhood. People with this attachment style are most likely to need reassurance.
- Avoidant. Having an avoidant attachment style can make it hard to trust or depend on other people. This is often caused by having emotionally unavailable caregivers during childhood.
- Anxious-avoidant. People with this attachment style often display a combination of anxious and avoidant traits ; they may need lots of reassurance but also be hesitant to get close to other people.
- Secure. Those with a secure attachment style likely feel comfortable trusting others and need less reassurance because they had reliable, responsive caregivers as a child.
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Section 4 of 5:
Signs You Need Reassurance
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1Fishing for compliments Normally, compliments are something you’ll get from your partner unsolicited simply because they want to say something nice about you. If you’re feeling insecure and need reassurance, however, you might start fishing for compliments —making leading comments and hinting that you want your partner to compliment you. [11] X Research source
- Remember: compliments given freely in the moment are often way more meaningful than prompted ones because spontaneous compliments feel more genuine!
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2Bragging or exaggerating accomplishments Bragging can be a sign that you feel insecure and want to boost your self-esteem but aren’t sure how else to do it. If you exaggerate your virtues around your partner, it may be because you want them to give you extra praise and acknowledge what a catch you are. [12] X Research source
- At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you believe you’re a catch—not what your partner believes. That’s why we’ll show you how to manage your need for reassurance in the next section.
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3Craving the spotlight Sometimes, people who chase reassurance also feel like they need to be the center of attention in a social situation in order to feel validated. If you notice yourself angling for attention from your partner, friends, and acquaintances, trying to make yourself front and center in any conversation, you may be looking for some reassurance deep down. [13] X Research source
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4Glorifying daily life Do you talk up or embellish the things that happen to you in your daily life, hoping to win your partner’s admiration? Glamorizing the details of your life can be a sign that you’re looking for reassurance from your partner; it could be your way of getting them to express how special you are to them. [14] X Research source
- While it’s always nice to hear your partner’s praise, remember, you’re already wonderful—you don’t need your partner to prove that to you!
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?
Do you ever feel worried or insecure about your relationship? Do you wonder if your partner actually doesn't care for you, even though they say do? Relationship anxiety has many underlying causes, including an anxious attachment style or a lack of self-esteem. This quiz can help you determine if you have relationship anxiety and address any anxious patterns.
1 of 12
Do you have trouble communicating your wants and needs to your partner?
Section 5 of 5:
Managing Your Need For Reassurance
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1Analyze interactions with your partner. The first step to managing your need for reassurance is recognizing that there’s an issue! Do you rely more on reassurance or self-love to maintain your sense of self-worth? If you reach out to your partner for validation more often than not and rely entirely on them to make you feel special, that can indicate an unhealthy need for reassurance. [15] X Research source
- Try to identify your personal attachment style as well. For example, if you analyze your interactions and conclude that you tend to have a nervous attachment style, that may also point to an issue with reassurance.
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2Open up to your partner and express your needs regularly. Keeping open lines of communication can help you build trust in your partner —and it’ll help them learn more about your expectations and attachment style. Tell them exactly what you need from them rather than beating around the bush, and be sensitive to their needs in return. In time, you’ll both become more emotionally available to one another. [16] X Research source
- For example, you might tell your partner something like, “I really like to stay connected, so I’d feel better if I got a text from you once a day or so when we’re apart.”
- That way, you’re less likely to feel insecure (and need reassurance) since your partner is making the effort to meet your needs—which proves how important you are to them!
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3Plan couples’ activities that may help reassure you. Since quality time can be a healthy form of reassurance, scheduling activities with your partner can reduce the urge to seek it out separately. Talk to your partner, agree on a few different activities that both of you might enjoy, and plan to start doing them together regularly. [17] X Research source
- For example, you might schedule a weekly dinner date with you and your partner where the pair of you take turns treating one another to a romantic meal.
- Tailor each chosen ability to your interests and needs. Some couples might opt to go on a run every other day, while others might decide to take a cooking class together.
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4Learn how to self-soothe when you feel anxious. If you feel like you have relationship anxiety, it may be really hard to stop worrying about your partner and the future of your relationship sometimes. That’s a common symptom of anxiety! In moments of high anxiety, try engaging your 5 senses slowly, one at a time. Focus on yourself and the different things you can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. [18] X Research source
- For example, you might start by focusing on a blanket with a funky pattern you can see, then the scent of herbs from your kitchen, the taste of your morning tea, the sound of a lawnmower outside, and so on.
- Engaging your 5 senses can help you focus on something other than your fears, making it easier to put the surge of anxiety behind you.
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5Learn to reassure yourself and make time for self-care. The more you take care of yourself, the more you’ll develop a sense of self-love that’s entirely independent of your partner’s affection. Use helpful self-care tools like daily affirmations and gratitude journaling to build up your confidence and make time for solo leisure activities in your schedule. [19] X Research source
- For example, you might recite affirmations like, “I love myself just as I am today,” or “I am my own best friend.”
- There’s no wrong way to write in a gratitude journal , but generally, you can get started by listing the things you’re grateful for and writing in depth about why you feel that way.
- Leisure activities could be anything from the hobbies you’re most passionate about to a much-needed massage for yourself!
- As you learn to take care of yourself, you’ll likely naturally rely less and less on your partner for reassurance.
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6Talk to a professional relationship therapist for additional support. If you feel like you’re having trouble managing a need for reassurance on your own, a therapist can certainly help with that! A good relationship therapist will help you understand your attachment style and any other underlying issues; they’ll also help you pinpoint your needs and find healthier ways to get the reassurance you need.
- If you have health insurance, check your company’s directory of healthcare professionals for in-network therapists.
- If you don’t have health insurance, look for a therapist using online platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace .
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Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about reassurance, check out our in-depth interview with Liana Georgoulis, PsyD .
References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/some-reassuring-thoughts-about-needing-reassurance
- ↑ https://thepleasantrelationship.com/committed-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/19-ways-show-s-o-love-without-saying-word/
- ↑ https://thepleasantrelationship.com/committed-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/when-reassurance-seeking-becomes-compulsive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202207/attachment-jealousy-and-excessive-reassurance-seeking
- ↑ https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/insecurity.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/unified-theory-happiness/202101/five-strategies-deal-compulsive-attention-seeker
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/4-signs-someone-is-insecure
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/4-signs-someone-is-insecure
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202207/attachment-jealousy-and-excessive-reassurance-seeking
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/some-reassuring-thoughts-about-needing-reassurance
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/self-soothing-methods
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/self-soothing-methods
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/self-soothing-methods
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles. This article has been viewed 20,189 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: July 10, 2024
Views: 20,189
Categories: Maintaining Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 20,189 times.
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