Expert-Backed Ways to Build Trust with Your Partner

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Learn to foster, maintain, and rebuild trust in your relationship
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Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust. That trust is based on how you and your partner treat each other and grows deeper and more solid over time. Whether you're just starting a relationship or trying to reconnect after trust was damaged, there are conscious actions you can take today to start building an innate sense of trust in your relationship that will get the two of you through good times and bad. We talked to counselors and therapists to find out the best ways to foster trust in a relationship.

Things You Should Know

  • Build trust in a relationship by being open and honest with your partner. Communicate clearly and with compassion.
  • Stick to your word and follow through with what you say you're going to do.
  • Treat your partner with respect, and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Section 1 of 3:

Building and Maintaining Trust

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    In many situations, all your partner has to go on is what you tell them. Do your best to follow through with everything you tell your partner and acknowledge quickly when something changes or slips through the cracks. [1]
    • For example, if you say you're going to be home by 5 p.m., make sure you are or call your partner if you're delayed. That shows them that they can rely on you to do what you say you're going to do.
    • Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson emphasizes that "trust is one of the most crucial building blocks of connecting intimately" so you have to act as though "your word is your bond." [2]
    • Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that building or rebuilding trust is something that happens over time and that "actions speak louder than words" and starts with recognizing that your partner is following up on what they're saying and being reliable. [3]
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    When you and your partner set boundaries , you acknowledge that the two of you are individual people who each have your own needs and expectations. Being in a relationship means coming together as a team and compromising in ways that don't require one of you to sacrifice your comfort or security for the comfort and security of the other. [4]
    • Recognize that you can't always do everything your partner wants. If you draw boundaries and say "no" from time to time, it actually increases trust because your partner will recognize that you're staying true to yourself and only doing what you're comfortable doing.
    • Make sure you're consistently enforcing your boundaries as well. If your partner violates your boundaries and nothing happens, you'll eventually start feeling resentful.
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    Being open about your own insecurities will help your partner understand where you're coming from and why you react to them in the way that you do. When you level with them, it shows them that you believe they will accept and respect your feelings. They'll start to feel the same way, which. Builds tremendous trust between you. [5]
    • Disclosing your personal feelings to your partner also helps build emotional intimacy, which helps you feel safer and more comfortable around each other. [6]
    • Allow your partner to be vulnerable as well. Marriage and family therapist Michelle Joy notes that building or rebuilding trust starts with "a willingness to listen, soothe, and validate your partner's feelings." [7]
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    Respect communicates to your partner that they're important to you and that you value their contribution to your life. Through respect, you show your partner that you care about them and hold them in high esteem. [8]
    • This also means not bad-mouthing your partner to other people or treating them with disrespect when you're out with others.
    • It can be easy to get comfortable enough that you start taking each other for granted and neglecting one another. If you're prioritizing your relationship and always treating each other with respect, trust will follow and deepen.
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    Good communication is the backbone of any relationship. Being committed to sharing a life with someone means that you have no secrets between you and can talk about anything. This means not only that you're willing to share whatever is on your mind but also that you'll actively listen to your partner when they have something they need to share. [9]
    • When you demonstrate to your partner that you have nothing to hide, they'll recognize that they have no reason to doubt your word.
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    When a situation comes up that gives you cause for concern, assume the best-case scenario. Give your partner a chance to explain before you jump to conclusions. Remember that the two of you are on the same team and it's unlikely that they're doing anything intentionally to hurt you. Instead, assume that there's an innocent explanation and that everything is fine. [10]
    • This also means that when your partner tells you something, you take them at their word rather than questioning the truth of what they said.
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    Keeping up with outside relationships and interests keeps you from putting too much pressure on your relationship. It also helps instill trust because you and your partner are individual people who aren't depending on each other to meet all of your needs. [11]
    • Being able to do things apart from each other helps keep your relationship healthy so that each of you can continue to grow together as whole people.
    • When each of you has your own interests and your own friend groups, it also shows that you trust each other and don't believe that your partner will betray you the second they're out of your sight.
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    Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have the right to know absolutely everything that's going on in your partner's life. [12]
    • Empowerment expert Nicolette Tura notes that developing this kind of trust "really starts with developing trust within yourself... so you're not obsessing or fantasizing or creating delusions about what your partner's behavior is." [13]
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Section 2 of 3:

Rebuilding Broken Trust

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    If you do something that upsets your partner or erodes some of the trust they have in you, the best thing you can do is to own up to what you did —without making excuses! Apologize for your actions, then explain what you'll do in the future to prevent it from happening again. [14]
    • Being accountable means you're prioritizing your relationship with your partner over your own selfish desires. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees that "if you know that you made a mistake, immediately apologize...[and] show remorse for what you've done." [15]
    • Miller also recommends that "if it's a very big mistake, where it's very damaging to the relationship," you should suggest counseling to "show [your partner] that you want to fix it and want to work on it." [16]
    • Generally, you develop trust over time based on how you and your partner act towards each other. Every time you prioritize the relationship, you build trust. When you act selfishly, you can potentially destroy some of the trust that you've built, but you can rebuild it by taking responsibility for your actions. [17]
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    If you want to rebuild trust, it helps to understand how your partner is feeling and to imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes. It doesn't matter which one of you was responsible for damaging the trust that you had—empathy and kindness toward each other are essential if you're hoping to continue your relationship. [18]
    • Ask questions to try to better understand what your partner is thinking and how they are feeling.
    • Recognize that you might find some of the things they say hurtful. This is just part of the process. You can't get to a place of healing without understanding what each of you is going through.
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    When you're rebuilding trust, keep your partner in the loop about where you're going, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. This tells them that you have nothing to hide. If they tell you to do something specific that would help with rebuilding trust, do it openly so they know that you're committed to making things right. [19]
    • For example, if your partner cheated on you, you might ask them to block the person on their phone and on social media. If they did this immediately as you looked on, it would demonstrate that they were committed to you and not trying to carry on the affair behind your back.
    • Marriage and family therapist Michelle Joy emphasizes being consistently transparent. Your partner is "watching how consistently transparent you are because that communicates to them how serious you are and your level of commitment to the relationship." [20]
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    To rebuild trust, you have to give your partner the opportunity to make choices. Each time they choose you and the relationship, they're helping rebuild that damaged trust. If you and your partner are constantly checking in with each other or questioning each other's every move, you'll have a hard time rebuilding trust. [21]
    • Remember that you also have to learn to trust yourself before you can trust your partner again.
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    If both of you have decided to remain committed to your relationship after a breach of trust, you both have to move forward together. That means forgiving each other for any faults and recommitting to finding the love you used to share and developing a stronger emotional bond. [22]
    • Forgiveness is not about letting your partner off the hook, it's about allowing yourself to find emotional balance and move on. Thinking about the reasons you fell in love with your partner and the good things about them can help.
    • Ask your partner what you can do to show them that you're committed to rebuilding trust in your relationship, and then be conscientious about doing those things.
    • Tell your partner what they can do to show you that they're equally committed. If you keep talking to each other about these things and noting when progress is made, you can slowly build back the trust you've lost.
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    If you and your partner have had a breach of trust, it can be difficult to repair. Although trust can erode in a moment, it takes much longer to rebuild. A counselor can help the two of you reconnect in a meaningful and intentional way so that you can start to trust each other again. [23]
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Section 3 of 3:

Why is trust important?

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    When you trust your partner, you know that your relationship will likely survive any minor difficulties—or even major ones. You're not worried that your partner is going to leave you every time you have a disagreement or argument. This gives you the freedom to be open and honest rather than hiding what you're thinking or feeling. [26]
    • You're also not worried about talking to your partner about things. Because you trust them, you know that they're not going anywhere simply because of something you say or a problem you're dealing with.
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    Because you and your partner trust each other, you're not looking at every moment they're not with you as an opportunity for them to cheat or do something else you wouldn't want them to do. This gives both of you the freedom to live independent lives , which is essential to building a healthy relationship. [27]
    • Independence helps the two of you continue to grow as people and also keeps you from putting too much pressure on the relationship and each other to fulfill all of your needs.
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    A close emotional bond is difficult if you don't trust each other because you won't feel safe being vulnerable with your partner. When you trust each other, you know that you can talk about deep emotional issues without getting hurt and that your partner will give you the support that you need. [28]
    • Trust also helps you and your partner build other types of connections. For example, trust can be important for sexual connection and enable you to experiment with new things without fear of judgment.
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    When you trust each other, you don't feel like your partner is trying to gain some sort of advantage over you. The two of you are better able to work as a team and determine fair and equitable solutions when you have any conflicts. [29]
    • For example, if your partner decides they want to go back to school and you trust them, you'd likely find ways to support them emotionally and financially so they can do that. If you didn't trust them, you might think that they were just taking advantage of you.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Can you rebuild trust in a relationshop after it's broken?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    It can take a little bit of time, but it is possible. Be sure to be open and honest with your partner and actively listen to them when they're talking.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do couples build trust?
    Nicolette Tura, MA
    Empowerment Coach
    Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through her work, Nicolette helps high achievers discover their true potential and grow personally. She recently founded the non-profit Celestial Wellness Network and started a musical project, The Feather and Stone. With over ten years of experience in nonprofit leadership and running her own wellness business, Nicolette combines her background in psychology, mindfulness, and psychophysiology to create profound change. Nicolette has hands-on experience as a Therapy Associate, and has worked with patients recovering from neurological disorders. She offers one-on-one coaching tailored to each client's needs, with options for short-term, transformative engagements. Her personalized coaching sessions help individuals break free from self-limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. She completed a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University.
    Nicolette Tura, MA
    Empowerment Coach
    Expert Answer
    Developing trust in a relationship really starts with developing trust within yourself. You have to do the internal work, such as working with someone to help you get through childhood trauma or things that you're bringing into the relationship.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201812/7-ways-build-trust-in-relationship
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      3. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201812/7-ways-build-trust-in-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201906/can-you-trust-your-romantic-partner
      7. ↑ Michelle Joy, MA, MFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201812/7-ways-build-trust-in-relationship
      9. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201812/7-ways-build-trust-in-relationship
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      4. ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 17 February 2022.
      6. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 17 February 2022.
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 17 February 2022.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201906/can-you-trust-your-romantic-partner
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202109/how-rebuild-trust-in-7-steps
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202109/how-rebuild-trust-in-7-steps
      11. ↑ Michelle Joy, MA, MFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you
      14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      15. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
      16. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
      17. ↑ https://www.lovetopivot.com/the-importance-of-trust-in-a-relationship/
      18. ↑ https://www.lovetopivot.com/the-importance-of-trust-in-a-relationship/
      19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201906/can-you-trust-your-romantic-partner
      20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201906/can-you-trust-your-romantic-partner

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      One of the most important things you can do to build trust in a relationship is always tell the truth. If you lie or keep things hidden from your partner, eventually the truth will come out and it will ruin any trust you had. In addition to being honest, you should try your best to be reliable by doing the things you say you'll do. For example, if you tell your partner you'll be home at a certain time, be home by then or let them know if you're running late. You should also make an effort to share your feelings with your partner and let them know if you're upset about something since being open with each other will help build trust. For more advice from our Counselor co-author, like how to learn to trust your partner, scroll down!

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