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How to spot your colleague’s insecurities and navigate them with professionalism and grace
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This article was co-authored by Jeffrey Fermin
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
There are 7 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 40,671 times.
Is your coworker’s unfriendly behavior starting to interfere with your work? When a coworker feels threatened by you, they might go out of their way to make you uncomfortable in return—and, ultimately, their behavior often reflects that. If you’re wondering whether your coworker might have some hidden insecurities influencing their behavior, you’ve come to the right place. Read on for a comprehensive list of signs that your coworker is threatened by you, plus tips on what to do about it.
Things You Should Know
- Competitiveness is a key sign that your coworker feels threatened. They may try to one-up you because they’re desperate to feel superior.
- A jealous coworker may gossip about you behind your back to the rest of the workplace or openly put you down in front of everyone.
- Your coworker may criticize, devalue, or sabotage your work because they feel threatened by your talent and don’t want you to get the recognition you deserve.
- Talk to your coworker privately about the issue and try to establish a professional rapport with them. If they won’t listen, report it to your boss or HR.
Steps
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Competition is their way of putting you down so they can feel superior. When a coworker feels threatened by you, they may get caught up in the mindset that you’re their enemy and not their teammate. Rather than working with you, they may do everything they can to show you up at work and even one-up you in conversations. Deep down, it’s because they feel insecure around you. [1] X Research source
- Deal with competitive colleagues by resisting the urge to get defensive or fall into the trap of trying to one-up them in conversation.
- The more you talk to your coworker, try highlighting all the things you have in common to reduce the feelings of rivalry between you.
- Understand that this behavior is coming from a place of insecurity. Compliment their efforts at work so they can see that their skills are valued, too.
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Your coworker may be undermining you as a result of low self-esteem. If your coworker wants to be the top dog around your workplace (and stop you from rising above them on the social ladder), they might badmouth you to everyone else or spread false rumors. They may tell other coworkers that you’re unprofessional, unskilled, rude, or anything else that might make you seem unappealing. [2] X Research source
- If they keep badmouthing you to the point that you wish to confront them about it, be sure to do so calmly and rationally.
- Explain to your coworker what they’re doing and why it’s hurtful. You could say, “I heard you’re spreading rumors about me. It really hurt to hear other coworkers talking about me like that, so I’m asking you to stop.”
- It may help to confide in another coworker you trust about this as well. They may be able to back you up when you talk to the gossiping coworker—or at least give you encouragement beforehand.
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Claiming credit may be their way of staying ahead of you professionally. Your coworker may try to work closely with you and get a good look at everything you’re doing. Then, when it’s time to present your work, they might get there first and claim it was all their idea. They’re acting out because they feel their ideas are unappreciated, and they feel threatened by you. [3] X Research source
- If you call your coworker out, remain professional and polite. You could say, “I noticed you said “I” instead of “we” while talking about our project yesterday. Why did you say it like that?”
- Start documenting all of your ideas somewhere safe, like a computer document or notebook your coworker can’t access. That way, when they try to take credit, you can show your boss proof of the copycat behavior.
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Sabotage may be their way of eliminating you as competition. It can look like a lot of different things: your coworker might withhold important information from you in meetings or projects, question your authority and competence, devalue your work (in front of others), or refuse to get back to you in a timely fashion. Anything they can do to impact your work performance, they’ll do it. [4] X Research source
- Collect evidence of the sabotage if you can. This could be any emails, files, projects, or information that backs up your claims. If their behavior escalated, bring it to your manager or HR.
- For example, if your coworker left important information out of an email update, save that email and print a copy of it so you can show it to your boss.
- If you know your coworker is trying to sabotage you, it might be a good idea to avoid working closely with them whenever possible. Tell a trustworthy coworker about this behavior, too, so they can give you support.
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They may feel like interrupting you is their best chance of getting noticed. They’re likely jealous of the attention you’re getting and want to take it away from you. They may also be worried that if you’re allowed to talk, you’ll outshine them. As a result, a coworker who feels threatened may interrupt you often, particularly when you’re talking in a group or meeting full of people. [5] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Make a point to talk with your coworker, just the two of you, and try to establish a rapport with them.
- You could say, “From that meeting yesterday I can see we both have many ideas about the upcoming project, and I’m curious to see which ideas we might be able to agree on. I think this could be a really strong partnership.”
- They don’t have to become your best friend, but finding some common ground and being able to have cordial conversations with them can go a long way toward dispelling their hostility.
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They may want everyone to think you’re not as likable as they are. You may notice that your coworker makes upsetting comments like, “Whoa, how did you even get hired?” or “You have the weirdest ideas,” in full earshot of other people at your workplace. This is their underhanded way of trying to prove to everyone how inferior you are compared to them. [6] X Research source
- If you’re feeling up to it, call out your coworker’s behavior. Discuss the issue calmly without getting into a fight and use “I” statements to explain how their comments make you feel. Then, ask them why they say things like that.
- For example, you could say, “I felt a bit unwelcome and hurt when you said that in front of our coworkers. Can we talk about it?” Being asked to reflect on their behavior could help them realize how harsh it was.
- If your coworker isn’t willing to hear you out (or doesn’t see the problem), it may be best to report their behavior to HR. This is especially important if your coworker is making you feel uncomfortable at work.
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They may criticize because they’re worried your talent will outshine theirs. Your coworker likely thinks their work may be judged harshly when compared to yours, so they’re putting you down as a result. Constructive criticism is one thing, but if your coworker finds a reason to reject and disparage everything you do, they probably feel threatened by you. [7] X Research source
- Criticism—especially when it’s not warranted or asked for—can be really discouraging. For example, they might say, “This design has so many problems I don’t even know where to start. Go fix it.”
- When your coworker says things like this, it’s best to just ignore them . They’re not your boss, so they don’t get to dictate when your work is “good” or “bad.”
- If you build a more positive relationship with them over time, they might also lay off the criticism because they feel less threatened by you.
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They may believe that your success will end up holding them back. Consider your coworker’s reaction when something big happens at work, whether you get praise from your boss, applause during a presentation, or even a raise. Odds are, they won’t look happy for you or even neutral; they may be disgruntled or upset because they feel like you’re taking away something they could have gotten. [8] X Research source
- Remember that you don’t need to win every single person’s approval throughout your career; if your coworker isn’t happy for you, that’s okay.
- Rather than feeling bad that your coworker isn’t wishing you well, turn instead to the people who do support you—whether they’re other coworkers, friends, or loved ones. Rely on them for the encouragement you may be looking for!
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Your coworker may be trying to assert their dominance by excluding you. When your coworker feels threatened enough to start excluding you, they might intentionally leave you off of group emails or messages, hold off on inviting you to social events, and pointedly leave you out of conversations between your other coworkers. In short, they may try to make you feel like an outcast from the team. [9] X Research source
- Look at the situation objectively. Are other people being excluded too, or is it just you? If they are, it’s probably not personal; your coworker may just vibe better with some people than others.
- Even if you and this coworker can’t develop a friendly (or polite) working relationship, try not to take it too personally. You can’t force anyone to like you.
- Try to cultivate other friendly relationships around your workplace. It may even help you stay in the loop because even if your jealous coworker doesn’t include you, your other coworkers will make the effort to.
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Being around you may make them feel tense and uncomfortable. Sometimes, when a coworker feels threatened by you, they simply won’t want to be near you. They might steer clear of you at your workplace, limit their interactions with you, and avoid engaging with you at all in group discussions or meetings, only communicating when they absolutely have to. [10] X Trustworthy Source Association for Psychological Science Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences Go to source
- In some ways, this isn’t the worst thing that could happen—they’re avoiding you instead of trying to put you down or sabotage you, which is a good thing.
- However, it’s important for you to be able to communicate with any of your colleagues when work calls for it, so it may help to talk with them privately about the situation.
- Try not to accuse them of anything; just say something like, “Sometimes it feels to me like you’re ignoring me. Am I right?” Then, let them explain the situation. Listen without interrupting so they feel heard and acknowledged.
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Ordering you around is another way they can assert dominance. Does your coworker micromanage you, acting like they’re in charge when you’re not their subordinate? Do they follow along with your work and give you instructions, even though you’re managing fine on your own? They may feel threatened by your skills and believe the best way to ensure they aren’t overshadowed is to boss you around. [11] X Research source
- Resist your bossy coworker’s demands subtly and professionally. Remember that they aren’t in charge of you, so you aren’t obligated to do anything they say.
- If they confront you in person to try and tell you what you should do, you could politely but firmly shut down their demands by saying something like, “Thank you for your input. I will consider it.”
- This is a great way to draw boundaries and let them know you aren’t going to fight with them, but you won’t cave to their micromanaging behavior either.
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They may want to make you believe your opinions are inferior. Do you feel like your coworker pushes back against every single decision you make, and disagrees with all of your opinions? Some differences of opinion are natural between coworkers, but if yours has rarely (if ever) agreed with you, they might be purposefully disagreeing because they feel threatened and want to discourage your ideas. [12] X Research source
- It may help to run your ideas by other coworkers too. That way, you can get feedback that is constructive rather than argumentative, and get a more accurate sense of how your ideas are being perceived.
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Blaming you for things may be a tactic to make themselves look better. Even when an issue isn’t your fault, your coworker might look for ways to pin it on you so they can make you look bad. Then, if you try to call out their manipulative and underhanded behavior, they may take things a step further and try to gaslight you—essentially, making you question your judgment by deflecting your concerns. [13] X Research source
- If your coworker is gaslighting you, they might say something like, “You’re being too sensitive. I didn’t mean it like that,” or “You’re imagining things, I never did that,” if you try to confront them.
- With a coworker who shifts the blame to you, gathering evidence is the key to stopping them. You could take notes in every meeting with them and keep records of your work so you can point out what you are responsible for.
- For example, if your coworker tries to say that you were responsible for writing a report, you could say, “Looking at my notes from our meeting last week. Sanjay actually assigned you to write the report. Did you need a hand with it?”
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They may be trying to snoop and learn more about their competition. If your coworker believes you’re their professional rival, they may decide that the best way to get ahead is to learn more about the competition. They may take a sudden interest in you, volunteer to work with you, and over-compliment you to try and find as much information about you as they can. [14] X Research source
- If a jealous coworker tries to worm their way into your social circle at work, it may help to keep them at arms’ length whenever you need to work with them.
- You don’t have to be rude or reject them outright; just keep things polite and professional, maintaining emotional distance from them and taking nothing they say personally.
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Defensive body language is their way of keeping you at a distance. Even if you can’t tell whether your coworker is threatened by you based on what they say to you, their body language can be a dead giveaway. If they feel discomfort when they’re around you, they may avoid eye contact and adopt a closed-off posture with their arms crossed across their chest. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Crossing their arms and avoiding eye contact is a subtle way for them put a barrier between the two of you, which indicates that they feel threatened around you.
- You can sometimes figure out why your coworker feels threatened based on their body language. Study their interactions with other coworkers: is there a specific group they use defensive body language around?
- For example, if you and your coworker are guys and your coworker frequently uses negative body language around other guys in the workplace, he might simply feel threatened by other men who have the same goals he does.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/working-with-difficult-people/202206/is-your-colleague-overly-competitive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202004/5-telltale-signs-you-re-the-target-envy
- ↑ https://tcdd.texas.gov/workplace-bullying/
- ↑ https://tcdd.texas.gov/workplace-bullying/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/02/how-to-handle-interrupting-colleagues
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202004/5-telltale-signs-you-re-the-target-envy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202004/5-telltale-signs-you-re-the-target-envy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202004/5-telltale-signs-you-re-the-target-envy
- ↑ https://tcdd.texas.gov/workplace-bullying/
- ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/workplace-ostracism-more-distressing-than-harassment.html
- ↑ https://tcdd.texas.gov/workplace-bullying/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202004/5-telltale-signs-you-re-the-target-envy
- ↑ https://tcdd.texas.gov/workplace-bullying/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/working-with-difficult-people/202202/how-to-handle-a-jealous-coworker
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Jeffrey Fermin
and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau
. Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up. This article has been viewed 40,671 times.
7 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 3
Updated: April 16, 2023
Views: 40,671
Categories: Socializing at Work
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 40,671 times.
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