How to Deal with a Bossy Coworker

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Do you ever feel like you have two bosses? There’s your actual boss, and then there’s a coworker who acts like they’re your boss. Getting told what to do is frustrating enough, but it’s even harder to deal with when it comes from a peer and not someone in charge. Fortunately, there are ways you can deal with your coworker without making a huge scene. Read this article for a comprehensive list of tips for dealing with a bossy coworker that you can use today.

1

Point out their behavior in the moment.

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    If you feel like your coworker is being bossy, calmly but firmly tell them that the way they just talked to you wasn’t okay. They might just take the hint and stop bossing you around, especially if they don’t do it often. [1]
    • “I’m not sure you can assign that task to me, since you aren’t in charge of this project.”
    • “I feel like you don’t trust me to do a good job on my own. Is that the case?”
    • “I actually don’t need your help with that, I can tackle this on my own.”
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2

Tell them no gently.

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    When a coworker demands that you do something, it can feel tough to tell them no without sounding rude. Try skirting around the issue by telling them you aren’t going to do that while still being professional. Use phrases like: [2]
    • “That’s a great idea, but I have a lot on my plate already. Why don’t I focus on my work, and you can focus on your own?”
    • “I’m going to follow the guidelines set by the boss.”
    • “Let’s check in with the boss first to see what they say.”
3

Have a private conversation with them.

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    If your coworker has bossed you around a few times already, it’s worth having a conversation with them. Invite them out to coffee or go out to lunch together to have a chat. Talk to them about how you’ve been feeling, and use “I” statements to bring up issues without your coworker getting defensive or angry. [3]
    • “When you micromanage my work, I feel like you think I can’t handle it on my own.”
    • “When you tell me what to do, it makes me feel frustrated. We’re coworkers and peers, so we’re on the same level here.”
    • “When you walk me through things I already know how to do, it makes me feel belittled.”
    • Prepare for the conversation beforehand by talking it out with a friend, spouse, or therapist.
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4

Set clear boundaries.

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    In a private conversation, spell out exactly what you’d like your coworker to stop doing, and how you’d like them to treat you in the future. That way, they know their behavior is unacceptable, and they can work on making changes in the future.
    • “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell me what to do anymore. I’ll focus on my work, and you can focus on yours. If you have concerns about my work, feel free to ask me questions about it.”
    • “In the future, let’s work on collaborating with each other instead of trying to tell each other what to do.”
    • “I like working with you, but I’d like it even more if we could both focus on our own work.”
5

Focus on your common goals.

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    Chances are, your coworker is being bossy because they want everyone to put their best foot forward. Remind your coworker that you’re both working toward the same goal, and you care about your work just as much as they do. [4]
    • “I understand that you want our projects to be polished—so do I! We all want our work to look good so that our clients trust us.”
    • “We’re both working toward the same goal. I also care about this company and doing the best I can do.”
    • “I’ve worked here for 5 years, so I know just how important the deadlines are.”
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6

Lead by example.

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    Maybe your coworker isn’t sure how to approach you when they have a question or a concern. You can give them an example by treating them with respect and never bossing them around. That way, they know what’s expected of them, and they can follow your lead going forward. [5]
    • If you need them to do something for you, you might say, “Hey, do you have time to take this on later? No worries if not; I know you’re busy.”
    • If you want to work together on something, you could say, “Hey, just checking to see if you wanted to collaborate on this report. With some team effort, I think we could knock this out of the park.”
7

Try not to take their bossiness personally.

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    Bossy people rarely single out one person in particular—if you pay attention, you’ll probably find that your coworker is bossy toward everyone, not just you. When you find yourself getting fed up, remind yourself that it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. [6]
    • Bossy people often feel the need to control everything around them, which can be exhausting. There’s a good chance that your bossy coworker doesn’t enjoy telling everyone what to do, but they don’t really know how to stop.
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8

Give your coworker the benefit of the doubt.

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    Your coworker might not mean to be bossy—maybe they’re trying to be assertive, or they care a lot about the workplace. Try to keep these points in mind, and don’t assume that your coworker is out to get you.
    • Some people talk with a harsher tone, which can make them sound bossy when they don’t mean to be. Your coworker might just have a different communication style than you do.
9

Get close to your other coworkers.

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    If you notice that you’re not the only one being bossed around by your coworker, sit down and chat with your other coworkers about it. Try not to be rude or gossip about them—stick to the facts, and then talk about what you can all do together about it in the future.
    • “Have you noticed that Sarah is a little bossy? Maybe the next time she tries to tell one of us what to do, we could stick up for each other.”
    • “I noticed that Sam was telling you what to do yesterday. He does the same thing to me. Should we talk to him about it?”
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10

Talk to your boss if you need to.

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    If you’ve tried talking to your coworker one-on-one and they still tell you what to do all the time, escalate the situation. Approach your boss or the HR department and ask them to have a chat with your coworker. They can help you deal with the conflict and get things resolved quickly. [7]
    • Treat your meeting with the boss or HR as a chance to go over peer-to-peer relations rather than a coworker-bashing session. Keep your comments professional and respectful to get the higher-ups on your side.
    • “Jeremy does great work, and I can tell he cares a lot about this company. However, I’ve noticed that he tends to take on a leadership role often, even when it’s not required of him. I’d love to chat with you and Jeremy at the same time to go over his role and how he fits into this team.”
11

Stay calm.

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    It can be tough to keep your emotions in check when your coworker bosses you around. If you find yourself getting frustrated or worked up, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 before responding.
    • Bossy people tend to look for situations where they can play the victim. The more you treat them with respect and kindness, the less fuel you’ll add to the fire.
    • However, being kind doesn’t mean letting them tell you what to do forever. You can still be kind and civil while also being assertive about your own needs.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you politely tell a coworker to back off?
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert
    Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert
    Expert Answer
    Be respectful while also clarifying your expectations. While addressing them with courtesy and politeness, let your bossy coworker know what your expectations are if they ask too much of you. Establishing boundaries can help you avoid disputes down the line, which can help you maintain a productive working relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you deal with a coworker who disrespects you?
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert
    Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert
    Expert Answer
    Don't be afraid to take breaks throughout the day so that you can clear your head and regain focus on what needs to be done. Taking a step back from the situation can help keep your emotions in check and enable you to work more productively. If all else fails, it may be necessary to seek help from a supervisor or other higher-up who can mediate any disputes between you and your bossy coworker.
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      Tips

      • Think about what is and isn't worth addressing with your co-worker beforehand. This doesn't mean you have to avoid having a conversation with them—just be really intentional in thinking about how the conversation will go down and if you're okay with the possible aftermath. [8]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-a-control-freak/
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-a-control-freak/
      3. ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employee-relations/pages/four-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-co-worker.aspx
      4. ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employee-relations/pages/four-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-co-worker.aspx
      5. ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employee-relations/pages/four-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-co-worker.aspx
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-at-work.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employee-relations/pages/four-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-co-worker.aspx
      8. ↑ https://ucnet.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/2021/02/10-tips-for-handling-difficult-conversations-at-work.html

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