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It can hurt to realize that someone you care about is losing interest in you. If a friend has stopped calling you and no longer makes plans to hang out, your first instinct might be to contact them more frequently or to ignore them in return. But don’t assume the friendship is over too quickly – the other person’s loss of interest might not be about you at all. If you think a friend is drifting away from you, first try reaching out to them and figuring out where the relationship stands. If the person doesn’t seem interested in reviving the friendship, it’s best to move on.
Steps
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Give yourself a pep talk. Before you reach out to the other person, realize that the reason that it seems like they are losing interest probably has nothing to do with you as a person. They might be busy, or they may be struggling with a personal or family relationship. Give yourself a pep talk before contacting them again to help reduce anxiety and boost your self-esteem.
- You can say to yourself, "They're probably just really busy. I shouldn't take it personally if they can't hang out right now."
- You can even tell yourself, "I'm a good person and a good friend, no matter what anyone else thinks."
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Get in touch with the person. If you haven’t heard from your friend in a while, give them a call or send them an email. Keep your tone casual, and don’t mention that you’re unhappy with the friendship. Just tell them that you miss them, and ask if they want to spend time together soon. [1] X Research source
- You can say something like, “Hey, Anna! I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I was hoping we could catch up sometime. Are you interested in getting lunch together this week?”
- If the person turns you down, wait a week or two and try one more time before you assume they aren’t interested.
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Invite them to engage in a favorite shared activity. No matter how much time has separated the two of you, it can be easy to fall back into old friendship patterns when you do something you once enjoyed. Consider this an opportunity to knock out two birds with one stone, per se. Reconnect with your old pal and rediscover an old past-time.
- Perhaps you and your old friend grew up near a stable. You can say, "Hey, it's been years since I've gone horseback riding. Why don't you join me?" [2] X Research source
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Offer to try something new together. A challenge is also a great way to strengthen an existing bond. Learning a new skill or hobby can help the two of you get closer. Reach out to your friend and suggest a new activity that you think you both would enjoy.
- For example, if both of you are relatively adventurous, you might ask, "I heard about a trail in the area that was just renovated. Want to go for a hike on Saturday?" This activity can also offer the two of you a chance to talk and/or sort out your differences.
- Your friend might want to hang out in a different environment or do a different activity than you're used to. Be open to their suggestions, and try out their ideas.
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Plan a group activity. If you're nervous about you and this person reconnecting, others can offer a great buffer. Invite several mutual friends over to your house for a game night, or out to an event in your town. Use the group activity to chat your acquaintance and remind them how much fun you can be. [3] X Research source
- A group activity lowers the pressure that can be present in a one-on-one interaction. This is a smart route to take if you're unsure about why the person is losing interest in you. You can tease out information without any unnecessary tension.
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Avoid nagging or acting clingy. Don’t complain to your friend or start calling them more often to make up for their lack of contact. This behavior will annoy them, and they will probably start avoiding you even more. [4] X Research source
- Don’t jump to conclusions. Your friend may just be busy. Act normal and see if the situation clears itself up.
- It will probably take several attempts and conversations before you can restore your friendship. Keep reaching out to them occasionally, but give them the time and space that they need.
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Be pleasant and upbeat. When you’re around the person, act friendly and cheerful. Don’t be passive-aggressive, even if you’re feeling miffed about their lack of contact. Tell them you’re glad to see them, but don’t act like your happiness depends on their attention. [5] X Research source
- You may want to think of a few topics to discuss ahead of time. This will help the conversation flow naturally. For example, you might discuss new hobbies, summer plans, favorite TV shows, or family news.
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?
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Avoid assuming the worst. It’s easy to take things personally, but your friend’s distant behavior might not actually have anything to do with you. They might be busy with family obligations, dealing with health problems, or overloaded at work or school. Find out what’s going on before you assume they don’t like you anymore.
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Think about whether your circumstances have changed. It can be hard to maintain a friendship when the situation that brought you together changes. If you and your friend don’t have much in common anymore, they may prefer to move on, instead of trying to force a connection. [6] X Research source
- For instance, if you bonded with a friend over the fact that your kids went to the same school, you might lose touch with each other once your kids are at separate colleges.
- You may have to think about new ways of maintaining your relationship if the circumstances have changed. For example, you can have phone or video chat dates with each other if you live far apart.
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Consider accepting the relationship as it is. It’s normal for people to grow apart over time, but that doesn’t mean you have to end the friendship completely. Think about whether you can accept and enjoy this friendship for what it is, even if you wish you were closer to the other person. [7] X Research source
- For instance, maybe you can stay on good terms with this person and see them a few times a year, even if you’re not best friends anymore.
- Work on making some new friends to ease the sting of downgrading a close friend to an acquaintance.
- It's okay to take a short break from the friendship so that you can come to terms with the change.
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Talk to the person about where you stand. If you don’t know why your friend is distancing themselves from you, ask them what’s going on. Be polite and non-confrontational. Let them know that you can handle an honest answer. [8] X Research source
- Say something like, “I’ve noticed that we don’t talk much anymore, and I was wondering what changed. Do you still want to be friends?”
- If the person tells you they want to end the friendship, accept it as gracefully as you can. You can’t force someone to be friends with you.
- If the person says they want to keep being friends, but they continue to ignore you, it may be best for you to move on and spend more time with other people.
- For instance, your friend might distance themself from you if you had a fight or disagreement and they feel hurt.
- Reader Poll: We asked 837 wikiHow readers, and 58% of them agreed that the most likely reason your friend might distance themself after a fight is because they need time to cool off . [Take Poll]
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Accept that your friend has moved on. Respect your friend’s decision, even if it’s painful for you. Don’t hold out hope that they’ll change their mind. It’s not possible to make someone care about you, and dwelling on the rejection will only make you feel worse. [9] X Research source
- Find a close friend or family member to talk to during this process. This can help you find support and feel less lonely during this time. Find someone who is not a mutual friend of your old friend and who can provide an unbiased opinion about the situation.
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Avoid blaming yourself. Remind yourself that friendships end for all kinds of reasons. Rejection is tough, but it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or unworthy of making new friends. It just means that particular friendship wasn’t a good fit for the other person. [10] X Research source
- If your self-esteem has taken a hit, take some time for yourself to recover. Work on personal projects or develop a new skill to rebuild your confidence. Socialize with positive people who are openly loving and warm toward you to remind you that you are worthy of friendship.
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Avoid chasing the person. Do not follow a former friend around or beg them to take you back. That will only irritate the person and erode your sense of self-respect. Give them their distance, and focus on moving forward with your own life.
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Make new friends. Reach out to befriend your coworkers, classmates, and other acquaintances. If you don’t know many people, consider joining a club or taking a class to meet others with similar interests as you. [11] X Research source
- If you want to get to know someone better, asking them questions about themselves and inviting them to get coffee with you is a good way to start. Just don’t ask anything too personal before you know them well.
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Be cautious if your former friend tries to revive the friendship. You’re not a toy, so don’t let anyone treat you like one. It’s okay to accept the person’s friendship again if you want to, but don’t make them the center of your social circle, especially if they caused you weeks or months of pain. [12] X Research source
- If you realize that your friend is only coming back to you because they lost another friend or broke up with someone, you may want to consider turning down their friendship.
- Take a few months to think about the situation before deciding if that person is truly invested in the relationship again.
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References
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/five-questions-to-ask-before-ending-a-friendship_b_3444716.html
- ↑ https://www.nextavenue.org/rediscovering-old-passions/
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness
- ↑ https://changingminds.org/techniques/happiness/act_happy.htm
- ↑ https://www.nextavenue.org/why-we-lose-friends-midlife/
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-things-to-do-when-a-friendship-starts-to-fade/
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/i-feel-i’m-losing-my-best-friend-and-i-don’t-know-what’s-changed
- ↑ https://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/02/10-signs-its-time-to-let-go/
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