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Friendships don’t always last. If you have a group of friends who are domineering, annoying, or otherwise bad for your health, you should rightly think about leaving them. Leaving a group of friends can be sudden or gradual. When you leave a group of friends, you should be honest with them about your decision to do so. Before deciding to leave a group of friends, think about ways to fix the friendship circle by confronting them with your concerns or simply reducing the amount of time you spend with them instead of leaving the group completely.
Steps
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Tell the group your decision. [1] X Research source The most direct way to leave a group of friends is to talk to them about your choice to leave. You can tell the group all at once or on an individualized basis that you’ll be ending your friendship with them. This method of leaving a group of friends can be awkward because the group might have lots of questions.
- If you are very close with all members of the group of friends, you should probably tell all of them at once.
- If you’re closer with certain friends in the group than others, you might choose to tell the friends you are closest with first, then inform the rest of your decision afterwards.
- Prepare carefully if you intend to address the whole group of friends about your leaving. Use note cards or a written page to help you express everything you need to.
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Wind it down. [2] X Research source Instead of addressing your friends directly about leaving the group, it’s sometimes best to make a slow, steady exit from a group of friends. Unless your friends are engaged in something dangerous or illegal, there’s usually no need to leave a group of friends all at once. [3] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020. If you don’t want to hurt your friends’ feelings, you could just choose to spend less time with them until eventually you’re spending no time at all with them.- Stop sharing intimate details and events in your life.
- Invest the time you used to spend with the group of friends with other friends, or take up a new hobby. [4]
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Expert Source
Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020. - Don’t answer calls and texts immediately.
- Over time, your friends will become casual acquaintances, then (if you wish) disconnect from you altogether.
- Be aware that your friends may have questions. They may ask why you are so distant, what is wrong, if you are okay, etc. Prepare yourself to answer these questions honestly.
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Cut off all contact. [5] X Research source This method of leaving a group of friends may seem cold and heartless, but it may be appropriate if the friendship group is abusive or harmful and you need to cut all ties with them. This is not a good way to leave a group of friends just because you don't want to deal with the awkwardness of being honest with them or answering questions. Parting with empathy, integrity, and honesty will be better in the long run than burning bridges in this way. Plus, you have a lingering feeling of having to "dodge'" people or avoid them later in life if you find them in your circle again.
- Do not offer an explanation or respond to their calls, texts, or emails.
- Block the group of friends from your social media accounts.
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Throw a goodbye party. [6] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020. If you’re moving away for a job or to attend university, you might be leaving a group of friends you love and who care about you. In this case, you should throw a party with your group of friends. [7] X Research source Do something you all love — go to your favorite water park or dine at your favorite restaurant, for instance. Use the party to celebrate your shared friendship and reminisce about all the good times you’ve had together.- Use social media, texts, and emails to stay in touch with friends you really care about. [8]
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Expert Source
Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020. - Visit them when you get the chance.
- Write each friend in the group a letter telling them how much you care about them. Thank them for their friendship, and cite specific instances in which they demonstrated what a good friend they were.
- Use social media, texts, and emails to stay in touch with friends you really care about. [8]
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Expert Source
Katie Styzek
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Be honest. [9] X Research source If your friends insist on an explanation as to why you’re leaving the group, be honest no matter what your reasons are. Do not, for instance, tell your friends that you are moving out of state just to avoid them or leave the group. Instead, be open and honest about why you want or need to leave the group of friends.
- If it’s easier for you to express yourself in writing, there’s nothing wrong with sending an email or letter to a group of friends (or the ringleader of a group of friends) explaining your grievances. [10] X Research source
- Reader Poll: We asked 894 wikiHow readers what the most important thing to keep in mind when breaking up with someone is, and 58% of them said being honest, but not unnecessarily harsh. [Take Poll] This is important for friendship breakups, as well.
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Be respectful of your friends’ feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts. Try to find a way to be honest and respectful at the same time. For instance, if you’re leaving a group of friends because they no longer share your interests or if you find that they are very boring, try a diplomatic approach by explaining to them that, “I just have a hard time relating to you.” Don’t rub the fact that you’re leaving the group in their faces.
- Emphasize your own feelings and point of view, and avoid accusatory “you” statements like, “You are very boring.”
- Lies will only lead to more lies. It’s best to be honest about your reasons for leaving a group.
- Sometimes vague answers work best, since they can be both honest and respectful. For instance, “I’m busy,” or “I’ve been traveling,” may work as explanations for friends who want to know why you aren’t spending as much time with them. [11] X Research source
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Stand your ground. [12] X Research source Friends — especially friends of long standing — will often try to pull you back into the group. Be firm in your decision to leave the group. Don’t give in to group pressure or bullying.
- For instance, if someone tries to get you to remain in the group of friends, say, “I’m sorry, I am very busy.” Or “We've had some great times but I need some time apart from the group right now.”
- Be calm and graceful when declining invitations to hang out with the group of friends you wish to leave (or have already left).
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Discuss concerns with your group of friends. [13] X Research source Try talking to your group of friends about the behavior(s) that you find unacceptable. For instance, if your friends consistently exclude you, try talking to at least one friend in the group privately. Perhaps they were not deliberately excluding you, and when you alert them to your feelings, they will correct their behavior and include you more often.
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Take a break. [14] X Research source Sometimes you can use a long trial separation from your friends to see if you’re truly happy leaving your group of friends. Use the time apart from your group of friends to see how you feel without them in your life. Look for new friends, explore your hobbies, and spend time with close family members. [15] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.- If you find you are happier during the separation, you can extend it into a full break from the group of friends.
- If, on the other hand, you find that you miss your friends, you should use the brief period of reflection to remind yourself why your friends aren’t so bad, and reconnect with the group when you have a chance. Tell them that you’ve missed them and can’t wait to see them again.
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Inspire change among your friends. [16] X Research source While it is good to abandon friends who are engaging in negative behaviors, it is also worth trying to steer them away from their negative choices and help them see the error of their ways. Before leaving a group of friends engaged in illicit or immoral behavior, take proactive steps to help them reform.
- If your friends are abusing drugs or alcohol, encourage them to join Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous and seek counseling for their addiction.
- If your friends want you to join them in stealing or vandalizing property, discourage them from doing so. Remind them of the trouble they could get in if caught, and propose an alternative activity like seeing a movie.
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Look out for controlling friends. [17] X Research source If your friends are constantly trying to make the group your only social outlet, you should think about leaving the group of friends. They might also badmouth your other friends, family, or significant other in an effort to pressure you into spending less time with them. Leave groups of friends like this as soon as possible.
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Beware of friends that are a bad influence. [18] X Research source People often do what they see others do. Whether for good or ill, friends are a major influence in your life. If your friends engage in negative behaviors, you should leave the group of friends before you get yourself into trouble with them. You should consider leaving your group of friends if they:
- Steal goods from stores
- Abuse drugs and alcohol
- Vandalize public or private property
- Engage in other immoral or illegal acts
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Leave groups of friends that don’t invite you out. [19] X Research source If your friends often ignore you when arranging outings, you should think about leaving them. This might be an indirect form of bullying (bullying by exclusion). Friends who do this do not value your company, and are not friends at all.
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Avoid needy friends. [20] X Research source If you have a group of friends who only want to spend time with you when they need something, they are bad friends. If you’re providing money, food, or a place to crash for your group of friends and your generosity is not being reciprocated, you are being taken advantage of and should leave the group. [21] X Research source ecosalon.com/10-signs-its-time-to-leave-your-friends/
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Beware of friends who try to compete with you. [22] X Research source If your friends are always trying to one-up you, it’s time to leave that group of friends. Avoid friends who try to minimize your accomplishments. They are bad friends and not worth keeping.
- For example, if you tell your friends that you got a 93% on your test, and they brag that your score is not that great because they got an even higher score, they are bad friends.
- Conversely, if you say that you’re having a bad day, and your friends insist that they are having even worse days, consider leaving the friend group.
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Leave friend groups that drain your energy. [23] X Research source [24] X Research source Spending time with friends should make us feel invigorated, refreshed, and energized.
- If you find yourself making excuses to avoid your group of friends, they are probably not good for your mental health.
- Friends that wear you out with their complaints, drama, or criticism should be left behind.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can you tell a fake friend?Katie Styzek is a Professional School Counselor for Chicago Public Schools. Katie earned a BS in Elementary Education with a Concentration in Mathematics from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She served as a middle school mathematics, science, and social studies teacher for three years prior to becoming a counselor. She holds a Master of Education (M.Ed.) in School Counseling from DePaul University and an MA in Educational Leadership from Northeastern Illinois University. Katie holds an Illinois School Counselor Endorsement License (Type 73 Service Personnel), an Illinois Principal License (formerly Type 75), and an Illinois Elementary Education Teaching License (Type 03, K – 9). She is also Nationally Board Certified in School Counseling from the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards.Think about the way your friend acts. A true friend will never say or do anything that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable.
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QuestionHow do you start a new group of friends?Katie Styzek is a Professional School Counselor for Chicago Public Schools. Katie earned a BS in Elementary Education with a Concentration in Mathematics from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She served as a middle school mathematics, science, and social studies teacher for three years prior to becoming a counselor. She holds a Master of Education (M.Ed.) in School Counseling from DePaul University and an MA in Educational Leadership from Northeastern Illinois University. Katie holds an Illinois School Counselor Endorsement License (Type 73 Service Personnel), an Illinois Principal License (formerly Type 75), and an Illinois Elementary Education Teaching License (Type 03, K – 9). She is also Nationally Board Certified in School Counseling from the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards.There are many small ways you can start to make new friends. For example, you could ask a classmate to study with you, join a club, or volunteer outside of school.
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QuestionOne of the friends in our group left a few months ago and came back. Now I want to leave, but I'm scared everyone will think I'm copying her. What should I do?Community AnswerSo what if they think you're copying her? They aren't your friends any more if you want to move on from them.
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Tips
- Unless your friends are doing something dangerous or hurtful, remain polite and kind even after you stop hanging out together. You may want to be friends again someday, so it's best to avoid burning bridges. [25] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.Thanks - Do not pressure other friends to leave the group with you, but invite them to do so if you think it is appropriate.Thanks
- If possible, leave the group of friends along with your best friend. That way you will have someone to talk to even after your other friends are out of your life.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201301/how-do-you-break-group
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=0
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
- ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/confessions-of-a-ghoster-why-i-drop-my-friends/
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
- ↑ http://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/how-say-goodbye-leaving-college
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201301/how-do-you-break-group
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=0
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=0
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201301/how-do-you-break-group
- ↑ http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/why-do-my-friends-keep-leaving-me-out-13762.html
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=0
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
- ↑ https://books.google.com/books?id=_larAgAAQBAJ&lpg=PA36&pg=PA36#v=onepage&q&f=false
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201505/13-red-flags-potentially-toxic-friendships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-friendly-spell/201301/are-your-friends-bad-influence-you
- ↑ http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/why-do-my-friends-keep-leaving-me-out-13762.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201505/13-red-flags-potentially-toxic-friendships
- ↑ ecosalon.com/10-signs-its-time-to-leave-your-friends/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201505/13-red-flags-potentially-toxic-friendships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201505/13-red-flags-potentially-toxic-friendships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-friendly-spell/201301/are-your-friends-bad-influence-you
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 25 November 2020.
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you have a group of friends who you no longer mesh with or who have become bad for your wellbeing, you may have to leave them behind. The most direct way to leave a group of friends is to talk to them about your choice, though this can be awkward if your friends have a lot of questions. If you’re uncomfortable talking to them directly or don’t want to hurt their feelings, then slowly wind down your friendship by not answering calls or texts immediately and bowing out of get-togethers. You can also use this time apart from your friends to make sure that this is the right decision for you. If you find that you’re happier during this separation, then extend it to a full break. Otherwise, use this time away to remind yourself why your friends aren’t so bad and reconnect with them when you can. To learn how to stand your ground when leaving your group of friends, keep reading!
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