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If you see someone being harassed, bullied, or discriminated against, you may know it's wrong, but be unsure how you can intervene and support the victim. Standing up for someone else can feel scary, and many people are reluctant to step in, but know that one voice can make a difference. You can intervene in a situation by speaking to the victim and diffusing the confrontation, and supporting the victim after the incident. You can also take measures to prevent bullying and harassment in your own school or community.
Steps
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Stop unkind conversations. Put an end to all conversations that put down or gossip about someone else. You don't have to be friends with the person being trash-talked, but it's important to tell the trash-talker not to speak badly of other people, even if you don't particularly like the talked-about person either.
- You can defend the person being trash-talked. For example, if someone says, "I hate Maddie! She's so ugly,” your response can be, "That's mean. Don't talk about people like that. I think Maddie is pretty."
- Tell the speaker to stop talking about other people this way. You could say, “I don't think it's right to be making fun of him like this. Please stop.” If they continue, walk away from the conversation. [1]
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Expert Source
Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 31 August 2021. - Something else may be happening in the bully's life that is causing them to bully others. Sometimes people may act out because they are suffering stress or experiencing other issues at home. They may also have been bullied themselves, or they may have been a victim of abuse. These people may be in need of additional support, such as mental health counseling, to address these issues. Try your best to gently inquire about these possibilities. Offer supportive guidance to encourage them to seek help from a qualified professional.
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Be an anti-bullying advocate. Teach others how to stand up to bullies and to stand up for what's right. Find anti-bullying or anti-discrimination resources appropriate for your audience, educate yourself, and share what you've learned.
- Find resources that support a cause you believe in and is valuable to your audience. For example, you may wish to learn about bullying to raise awareness to your high school, or you may wish to learn about hate crimes against a minority population to help raise awareness in your community. People will be more receptive to your campaign if it is something they can connect with.
- Assist your local community, workplace, or schools with establishing a reporting system to make it easier for victims to seek help. Communities, workplaces, and schools can use these procedures to help identify easy and practical ways for victims to report bullying or harassment. They are also able to use these reports to track bullying and harassment trends over time so that they can develop better prevention procedures.
- If you are in school, you could start an anti-bullying group, or talk to your school's leadership about things that could be done to help prevent bullying at your school. [2] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source
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Take action against cyberbullying. If you're online and see other people talking badly about someone or sending harassing messages to them, report their account. Most social media websites have an option to report people for abusive behavior, and cyberbullying is considered abusive behavior by almost every website's Terms of Service.
- Remind people to think before they post. Once you post something, it is out of your hands and on the internet forever. If your friend wants to post something mean about a classmate, you could say, “Do you really want to post that? It could get back to him really easily, and it will make you look bad.” [3] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source
- Treat other people on the internet the same exact way you would treat them in real life. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all, or share your differing opinion respectfully.
- Avoid using websites that allow you to be anonymous. People sometimes take advantage of anonymity features on a website to harass people.
- If you're a kid or teenager, allow your parents access to your passwords and social media accounts. They can help you if you encounter any problems online. [4] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source
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Talk to people who are different from you. Make an effort to learn more about people of different races, cultures, religions, or sexual orientations than yours. The more you learn about someone's life, the more likely you are to have empathy toward them and their situation. Promote a culture of empathy among people in your life. Knowing more about another person's story can help prevent bullying and help others speak out against it. [5] X Research source
- You could make friends with classmates or coworkers who have different backgrounds. Once you get to know them better, you may find that you share a lot of the same things in common.
- Volunteer for a cause that supports people who have different circumstances than you do. You could volunteer at a homeless shelter, set up an apartment for a refugee family, or work with your faith community to set up a fellowship with a different faith group.
- Read books about people or written by people who are of a different background than yours.
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Be assertive. Don't wait for a bullying victim to speak up and ask for your help. They may feel too threatened to be able to say anything. Try to take control of the situation and speak up for the other person first -- they may be relieved that they don't have to.
- Understand that victims in a confrontational situation may be stuck in a physiological “freeze” trauma response, a common reaction to extreme stress. They may be paralyzed by fear and unable to effectively respond, making it important for a bystander to intervene. [6] X Research source
- If you feel like speaking up can be hard, you're not alone. It can be hard for many people. But often, when one person speaks up, more people will start to intervene as well. [7] X Research source
- Be aware that you can help de-escalate some situations because of a real or perceived relationship with the bully. If you share race, gender, or culture with the bully, the bully may be more willing to listen to you because they may feel they have something in common with you. If you know the bully, you may also be more likely to be able to successfully intervene because of your ability to hold them accountable.
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Interrupt the harassment. When you see the bully harassing the victim, interrupt the bully by ignoring them and heading straight to the victim. Fully assess the situation for safety before you intervene. [8] X Expert Source Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 31 August 2021. If you feel it is safe, you can physically get in between the victim and the bully to talk to the victim. Do your best to remove the victim from the bully as quickly as possible. Otherwise, get as close to the victim as you can. Starting a conversation with the victim gives them the power to decide if they want you to intervene or not. [9] X Research source- As you assess the situation, look for any possible weapons. Determine if the perpetrator is making physical threats, if the victim is injured, or if this is a possible sexual harassment or abuse. If any of these are happening, immediately get local police and emergency medical services involved.
- You can do this if you know the person or not. The victim will likely be willing to play along in order to stop the harassment. You could say, “Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you!” or “Oh my gosh, how are you? I haven't seen you in ages!”
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Use caution in addressing the bully. In many cases, directly confronting the bully may not be the best idea, especially if you are concerned that they may physically assault you. You could also end up becoming the bully's next target. However, while maintaining a safe distance, it is wise to attempt direct eye contact with the bully. Be firm in your actions. You can do this without speaking to the bully. [10] X Expert Source Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 31 August 2021. This will help you gain control over the situation as you cautiously approach the victim. Using this approach will also allow you to have a detailed description of the bully if you need to report the incident to law authorities later. [11] X Research source- However, if you feel confident that the situation will not escalate and that you will not become a target, you could address the bully if you feel comfortable. Bullies often care about being popular and powerful, and calling them out might help take away their power. [12] X Research source
- You could step in and say, “Leave him alone! Back off right now!” Be firm, loud, and stand your ground. You may not feel brave, but you can pretend to be. [13] X Research source
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Seek support when intervening. Find someone in a position of authority who can help you deal with the problem. This may be a supervisor, law enforcement, or someone who has more power than you do who is better able to solve the problem. [14] X Research source
- Call emergency services immediately if you feel the situation is dangerous.
- Tell an adult. If you are a child or teenager, find an adult you trust to help you deal with somebody else being bullied or mistreated. Adults can often use their power to deal with the issue without a bully ever finding out what happened. [15] X Research source
- If you cannot find a person in a position of power to help you, gather other witnesses to help you step in and stop the bullying. There is strength in numbers.
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Alert others to ongoing bullying or harassment. If you see bullying, harassment, or discrimination, speak out. Tell someone and raise awareness, even if it didn't affect you or you weren't near the event when it happened. Not saying anything will make it worse for everyone. [16] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source
- Tell someone in a position of authority where you are seeing the harassment or bullying occur. For example, if you are a student in a school, you could let your teacher know that a kid is often being bullied in an area of the school where there is not much staff supervision. If you are witnessing harassment in the breakroom at work, you could let your supervisor or HR representative know so that another witness could be there.
- If you are too nervous about speaking up in person, you could do it anonymously. Some companies have ways to anonymously report employee wrongdoing (“whistleblowing”), schools may have ways you can report trouble anonymously, and many communities have tip lines where you can anonymously contact law enforcement to report trouble.
- If you feel like speaking up can be hard, you're not alone. It can be hard for many people. But often, when one person speaks up, more and more people start coming forward. Sometimes it takes just one person to call out injustice, and then more people feel brave about coming forward themselves. [17] X Research source
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Help the victim stand up to the bully. Sometimes, a victim of bullying may want to stand up to the bully, but doesn't know how to or is afraid to do it on their own. Offer them your support, and ask if they want you to help them stand up to the bully.
- Ask them how you can help them stand up to their harasser. [18]
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Expert Source
Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 31 August 2021. You could say, “Would you like to meet me after class so we can confront her together before lunch?” or “I can come talk to the supervisor with you if you want. I will support you and be a witness.” - Don't be surprised if they turn you down. Some people don't like to have another person's help to stop bullying. If they tell you no, you could say, "Okay, but if you change your mind, I'll help you" and stick to it! [19] X Research source
- Ask them how you can help them stand up to their harasser. [18]
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Expert Source
Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
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Listen to the victim. If the victim comes to you seeking support, believe them and listen to them tell their story. Find out how you can help if they need it.
- It's important to believe the victim even if you did not witness the event. Remain nonjudgmental and supportive as they speak. Casting doubt on their story may make them feel even more victimized and shut down.
- Listen with empathy
as they share their story. [20]
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Expert Source
Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 31 August 2021. You could say, “What happened to you sounds horrible. You sound really upset. What can I do to help you?”
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Help the victim get support. The victim may be too distraught to seek out helpful resources on their own, so take the lead and offer to find some. Offer your assistance in any way you can and feel comfortable with. [21] X Research source
- If you see someone being harassed on the street, you could help them get home safely.
- You could call the police on behalf of the victim and stay with them while they file a police report. Give the victim and the police your contact information so you can be a witness for any legal proceedings.
- You could get help the victim get connected with any legal support or anti-bullying resources they may require.
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Let the victim be upset. It's possible that the victim may take their feelings out on you after the incident. Don't take it personally. The victim may feel you are a “safe” person to express their anger to.
- The victim might say something like, “I wish you hadn't interfered. I can take care of myself!” You could respond, “I'm sorry. From my perspective, the situation seemed like harassment. I won't intervene again unless you ask me.”
- The victim may cry, express anger, or be in shock. It's okay to sit with them and just be present -- you don't have to find some magic words to say.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you stand up for yourself without being rude?Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In addition to her private coaching practice, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more diverse, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation.A simple “That’s not okay” goes a long way. You don’t need to explain or demand change. You can tell people that their behavior isn’t appropriate, and then walk away.
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QuestionShould I stand up for someone?Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In addition to her private coaching practice, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more diverse, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation.Well, that's a hard question to answer. The first thing you should do, though, is to get a clear understanding on why you want to stand up for someone. Also, do they actually want you to intervene? Ask those questions before making a decision and acting.
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- If you're still having trouble with harassment or bullying, speak to a professional or therapist.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/
- ↑ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/
- ↑ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-weissbourd/bullying-prevention-the-power-of-empathy_b_6171238.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/trauma-and-the-freeze-response-good-bad-or-both
- ↑ http://au.reachout.com/how-to-stand-up-against-bullying
- ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/how-to-help-if-someone-is-being-harassed.html?_r=0
- ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/how-to-help-if-someone-is-being-harassed.html?_r=0
- ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/stopping/seeing.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/bullies.html#
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/how-to-help-if-someone-is-being-harassed.html?_r=0
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/bullies.html?ref=search
- ↑ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/
- ↑ http://au.reachout.com/how-to-stand-up-against-bullying
- ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/how-to-help-if-someone-is-being-harassed.html?_r=0
- ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
- ↑ http://au.reachout.com/how-to-stand-up-against-bullying
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