How to Go No-Contact & Resist the Urge to Reach Out to Your Ex

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Why no contact works and how to do it your way
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Not every breakup requires the no-contact rule, but it’s a great tool to use if you’re having trouble getting over your ex or if you’re tempted to reach out to them again. Implementing the no-contact rule can help you move on from your ex much faster (and can even sometimes bring you and your ex back together). Keep reading for the best tips about how to not break the no-contact rule with your ex-partner so you can focus on yourself and your own emotions, including expert advice from clinical psychologists and dating coaches.

How to Stick to The No-Contact Rule

  1. Block your ex's number.
  2. Unfollow them on social media.
  3. Delete old messages and DMs.
  4. Ignore any messages that your ex sends.
  5. Ask your friends not to tell you about your ex.
  6. Set a timeline for the no-contact rule.
  7. Write down your reasons for going no-contact.
Section 1 of 4:

How to Go No-Contact

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  1. You don’t want to give them the chance to reach out to you. By blocking their number, you can ensure that they won’t be able to call or text you, so you won’t feel tempted to respond. You can also delete the number from your contacts so you aren’t forced to see it in your phone all the time. [1]
    • However, don’t block your ex if you need to talk about logistics, like kids or financial responsibilities.
  2. Browsing social media should be a distraction, not a reminder. It’s a good idea to unfollow your ex on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, at least for now. If you don’t want to unfollow them completely, try muting their posts or blocking them until you’re a little more healed from your breakup. [2]
    • Blocking your ex on social media is a good way to stop them from reaching out, too.
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  3. Looking through old conversations can really be a bummer. Even if you’re not strictly “contacting” your ex, looking through old communication can tempt you into reaching out. Delete those old text threads and any DMs you shared, just to be safe. It will probably make you feel better in the long run, and it can help you move on just a little bit faster. [3]
    • The no-contact rule is all about helping you to move on. The longer you don’t contact them, the easier it will be to heal.
    • Relationship coach Amy Tan recommends digitally detoxing from your ex. “Delete old messages, photos, unfollow your ex's accounts, and even better, take a break from social media all together. Block their number if you have to, so you don't obsess about your ex not contacting you. Whenever you replay that romantic video of your vacation, stalk their social media, or text them, you fall into a mental trap that keeps you addicted.”
  4. If your ex is persistent, they might find a way to contact you. The whole point of the no-contact rule is to have absolutely zero contact with your ex, even if they initiate it. If your ex reaches out via phone, text, or email, just leave them on read. [4]
  5. Friends might be well-meaning, but you don’t need to hear that right now. If you have mutual friends with your ex, ask them not to update you on what your ex is doing or who they’re with. Even if they think you’d want to know, hearing that kind of stuff can make you feel worse—and you definitely don’t need that kind of energy in your life. [5]
    • You could say something like, “Hey, I know you and Jason still hang out, which is fine. Would you mind just not talking about him around me? It’s all still a little fresh, and I’m just trying to focus on myself right now.”
    • If you follow any of your ex’s friends on social media, consider unfollowing them so you don’t get any inadvertent updates.
  6. Most people go no-contact for 30 to 90 days. You don’t need to cut your ex out of your life forever—a couple of months is usually a good amount of time to give yourself to heal. If you feel like you need more time, that’s absolutely fine (and if you feel like you need less time, that’s okay, too). [6]
    • After your no-contact timeline is up, feel free to unblock your ex and refollow them on social media. However, don’t feel like you have to reach out to them again—some people don’t ever talk to their exes after a breakup, and that’s okay.
  7. This will remind you to keep going when the times get tough. It can be really, really hard to hold yourself back from calling up your ex one lonely night. When you start the no-contact rule, grab a sheet of paper and list out all the reasons why you’re sticking to no-contact. Then, if you’re having a tough time, take a look at the list again as a reminder. You might include: [7]
    • “My ex and I were not a good match.”
    • “I was not happy when I was with my ex.”
    • “My ex and I are toxic together, and I’m breaking that cycle.”
    • “I want to focus on my needs, not my ex’s needs.”
  8. It can be easy to romanticize your past relationships. When you find yourself getting lost in all the sweet memories of your ex, try balancing it out with some negative ones, too. You might remember the biggest fight you two had, or the time when you felt the most alone in your relationship. This isn’t to make you feel worse—it’s to remind you why you shouldn’t reach out to your ex again. [8]
    • For every good memory, try to think of at least one bad one, too.
  9. After a breakup, you might go through the 5 stages of grief. While there’s no guarantee you’ll go through all of them (or in any particular order), make sure you give yourself time to feel your feelings, especially without the distraction of contacting your ex. Lean on your support network, write down your feelings, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help, either. [9]
    • Psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz notes that, “When you go through a breakup, you also go through five stages of grief. So, let yourself feel it. Don’t cover it up with drugs or alcohol, or overeating or avoiding or just getting into another relationship. You really need to process it and heal.
  10. If someone invites you out, say yes. It’s normal to want to isolate yourself from others after a breakup, but that can make you feel more lonely than you already are. Rely on your friends to take you out for a good time, and don’t be shy about making plans. The more you can live your life and have fun, the better! [10]
    • You don’t have to spend all your time with your friends talking about your breakup. If you just want to be distracted, tell them that, and let them come up with fun things for you to do to keep your mind off things.
  11. Do something nice for yourself every single day. Even small things, like buying yourself a coffee or taking a relaxing bubble bath can help you feel much better. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes every day to do a relaxing activity that you truly enjoy. It doesn’t sound like much, but it can really give you the time and the space you need to heal. [11]
    • Self-care looks different for everyone, so don’t be afraid to try a few different things, like hiking, doing a face mask, reading a good book, or listening to new music.
    • Clinical psychologist Susan Pazak reminds you to “Have a new routine that involves some type of mind, body and spirit healing, even if you don’t feel like it. Listen or watch a positive message on hope, self-love, and healing for at least 20 minutes every day. Exercise, move your body by walking, or do yoga or pilates for at least 30 minutes every day to release endorphins.”
  12. Now that you’re single, what do you like to do? Is there something you’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t while you were with your ex? Now’s your chance! Head out and take that solo trip you’ve been wanting to go on, or dive into a new art project you’ve been wanting to try. The more you can focus on yourself during this time, the better. [12]
    • You could also reconnect with old friends or get a new pet. It’s up to you!
  13. This might seem impossible now, but it can be done. Set your sights on the future, and try not to think about your ex or what could have been. Focus on yourself and your own goals, and avoid thinking about the past. Eventually, you’ll be able to live your life without giving your ex a second thought. [13]
    • Everyone’s healing process looks a little different, and there’s no right or wrong way to move on from a relationship. If you can set your sights on the future, you’re already doing great!
  14. Sometimes, the no-contact rule can make your ex realize what they were missing. If it’s been a few weeks (or even months) and you feel ready to talk to your ex again, or get them back , you can unblock their number and re-follow them on social media, says dating coach Suzanna Matthews. And, if you really feel like you want to get back with them, you can go ahead and reach out—they might just be happy to hear from you. [14]
    • Deciding to reach out to your ex is a very personal decision and one you shouldn’t take lightly. “If nothing's really going to be different, you're just going to fall back into the same old patterns,” says Matthews. “But if you can say, ‘Hey, I worked with my therapist, or I read this book, and I had this realization. Here's how I think we could actually fix this. Are you game?’—it’s worth contacting them.”
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Not Break the No-Contact Rule

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  1. Stay busy so you don’t wallow and give into the urge to reach out. Keeping a daily schedule that includes sleep, meals, goals, and activities can prevent you from obsessing over your ex. Eat healthy, get exercise, and spend valuable time with friends and those who support you. [15]
  2. They may be going through something similar themselves or just want to help. Make a plan that includes consequences if you were to contact your ex. It can make all the difference to your healing because you’ve got someone to talk things out with as needed. [16]
    • Dating coach Cristina Morara suggests “spending time with friends who lift you up. It's your support group and is very important. Just feel all the feelings and trust at the end of the day that this was the right decision for you.”
  3. Take this time to discover something new that you’ve always wanted to try. Learn to play an instrument, take a language course, or learn a new skill, from jewelry making to playing lacrosse. Not only will it help you pass the time during this difficult period, but it may be the spark that ignites a new passion in your life. [17]
  4. If your ex spent a lot of time in your home, re-organize the furniture, hang up some new artwork, or redecorate. Start by removing any items that remind you of them, like photos, gifts, or souvenirs from trips you took together. You might even go so far as to burn sage so your space gets a spiritual fresh start of its own. By looking at your refurbished home, you’ll likely be less interested in thinking about or contacting your ex. [18]
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Section 3 of 4:

Benefits of Keeping the No-Contact Rule

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  1. It’s already difficult to deal with the emotional healing needed when getting over a breakup. When you use the no-contact rule , you can reduce the amount of time you’re experiencing so much pain. This occurs because you have both the time and space to focus on yourself without the stress of the relationship to distract you. The level of distress you’re maintaining by being in touch with your ex is removed, which allows you the freedom to work on moving on and getting over the breakup. [19]
  2. When you’re focused on when you should get in touch with your ex or when you hope to hear from them, you’re ramping up a lot of anxious thoughts. Being in touch with them is one of the worst things you can do for your mental well-being. This is because you believe your stress level will go down if you hear from them, but that typically has the opposite effect. [20]
    • By cutting them out of your life, your anxiety has a chance to reset, focus on yourself, and think about the future.
  3. By staying in touch with your ex, your mindset remains one of looking back. When you leave the relationship behind and know that it’s not coming back, you can truly look forward while knowing that the no-contact rule is working . Now, you can fully concentrate on your personal success. [21]
  4. You can avoid having arguments or fights with your ex when you make a clean break. You now have time to repair yourself after the breakup, instead of that time becoming one that emotionally drains you with each communication exchange. [22]
  5. If your ex continues to use you as their support system, it’s not good for you. They may try to keep you as a friend or something they can rely on, but once you use the no-contact rule, you can avoid being relegated to a role in their life that isn’t healthy for you. [23]
  6. Your story was once linked to your ex, but after your breakup, it’s time for you to lead the way yourself. You don’t have to wonder what the end to your story as a couple would have been because your story is just beginning. Enjoy what’s to come, knowing that you’re the one calling the shots. [24]
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Section 4 of 4:

No-Contact Rule FAQs

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  1. 1
    How long should I stick to no contact? For the no-contact rule to work , stick with it for at least 30 days. In some cases, you might want to spend 6 months or more without contacting your ex. Consider how long you need to reach healing and work on your personal growth and transformation. This all depends on how long of a relationship you were in and how traumatic the circumstances of your breakup were. [25]
  2. 2
    What should you not do during the no-contact rule? It’s best not to break the no-contact rule by communicating with or replying to your ex. This means in-person contact, phone calls, texts, emails, and interactions on social media. Even if they’re being cordial, you don’t want to start a new dialogue when you need the space and time to heal and work on yourself. [26]
  3. 3
    What are the signs that the no-contact rule is working? Signs that the no-contact rule is working include enjoying self-improvement and self-care, experiencing emotional healing, a decrease in emotional turmoil, an increase in emotional clarity, and feeling ready to connect with others around you. In addition, your ex might just reach out to you (but feel free to leave them on read if you’ve moved on)! [27]
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Join the Discussion...

Should you block your ex on social media?
WikiAxolotlTamer622
WikiAxolotlTamer622
So, my ex and I broke up a few weeks ago, and it was amicable and we both want to be in each other's lives, but I'm having a really hard time with it still. Social media makes it even worse because I get daily reminders that we're not together anymore. I don't want to hurt her feelings by unfollowing or blocking her. But what do I do here? I want to heal from the breakup without being bombarded with her posts. Any tips are helpful. (Please don't say "just stay off social media" lol be real)
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
It's important to digitally detox from your ex after a breakup. Unfortunately, your brain is primed for obsessive behavior during this time, and your motivation system is seeking dopamine. Thus, whenever you replay that romantic video of your vacation, stalk their social media, or text them, you fall into a mental trap that keeps you addicted.

Before you look at old photos or check the ex's Instagram, stop and ask, "Am I being kind to myself right now?" You know the answer. Replace the urge for connection with another behavior that forces you to be present. This may mean you call a friend, go for a jog, or write a letter of gratitude to someone you love. The first few times you divert your behavior, it will feel contrived and highly challenging, but the more you practice replacing the self-sabotaging urge with a healthy practice, the easier it becomes.
Lauren Sanders
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
It’s only necessary to block your ex on social media if remaining connected with him or her online interferes with your growth and healing process. If you’re constantly stalking their page by visiting it on a daily basis, scouring the comment section and his or her newly added friend list, it may be a good idea to at least unfriend him or her. However, if it doesn’t interfere with anything at all, it’s perfectly fine to stay friends with your ex on social media.
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      References

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      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202310/the-power-of-the-block-button
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      17. ↑ https://www.vixendaily.com/love/no-contact-rule-how-long/
      18. ↑ https://blog.personaldevelopmentschool.com/65/signs-the-no-contact-rule-is-working

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