How Do You Stop Being a Pathological Liar? 9 Ways to Choose Honesty and Improve Yourself

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Pathological lying is an often misunderstood and complicated behavior. Telling a few lies every now and then doesn't make you a pathological liar; however, if you're unable to stop lying, use lies to manipulate others, or your lies are significantly affecting your life, you might be struggling with pathological lying. [1] Learning to stop lying can be a tough road, but you're already well on your way through seeking help.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

1

Silence negative thoughts about yourself.

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    If you ever find yourself thinking that you aren't good enough as you are, you may be tempted to lie to make yourself sound better. Instead of lying, remind yourself of all your positive qualities. These are the things to emphasize, not lies that will temporarily impress people or make them like you. [2]
    • Let's say you want to impress a coworker by telling her you've seen her favorite movie. If you haven't seen it, just be honest. Talk about all the cool movies you really have seen instead!
    • Say something like, "I've never seen that. I'll have to check it out!"
    • Write down some of your negative thoughts and see what patterns you notice. Then, flip the script by reminding yourself about what's really true. [3]

    Tip: If you have no knowledge of a topic being discussed, keeping silent is the wisest course of action. It prevents the temptation to lie or utter nonsense.

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2

Accept the consequences of your actions.

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    When you make a mistake, don't jump to making excuses. [4] Instead, acknowledge what you did honestly. [5] Then, take responsibility through apologizing and remedying the situation as best you can. This can be really hard and it takes work, but living an honest life you feel good about is an amazing payoff. [6]
    • If you hurt your friend's feelings, don't blame them for it or cite your bad day as an excuse. Be honest and say that you're sorry .
    • Maybe you forgot to water your roommate's plants. Don't lie and say you did even when they come home to find that the plants are wilted. Admit that you made a mistake and apologize.
    • You may not always be forgiven for your mistakes, but people will likely respect you for owning up to your actions.
    • Accepting responsibility is much more empowering than approaching the situation from a victim mentality. [7]

    Did You Know? Especially for children, lying is a way to avoid punishment. But this is a double-edged sword, because if the lie is discovered, the punishment is doubled, undermining any semblance of credibility and trust.

3

Don't leave out important details.

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    [8] Whenever you're talking to someone, don't omit details that make you look bad or hide aspects of the story from them. Let's say you got dinner with your ex-girlfriend but are afraid to tell your partner. Don't just tell them that you got dinner with an old friend or neglect sharing who you got dinner with at all. Tell the truth so that you can have an honest, open conversation about it. [9]
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4

Work through conflict honestly.

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    This people-pleasing behavior can leave you feeling resentful and disconnected from the person you lied to. To build connections based on open communication and trust, be honest when a conflict arises. It opens the door for a deeper connection with someone, even if it can be a little difficult to speak up. [11]
    • Let's say your partner often forgets to put their laundry away and it really bothers you. Don't tell them that you're fine with it just to avoid a disagreement. Instead, give them the opportunity to know how you feel.
    • Say something direct and respectful, like, "I totally understand that you've been busy, but would you be able to put away the laundry sometime tonight?"
5

Think before you speak.

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    If you find yourself lying often without your control, pause for a moment before you contribute to discussions or answer questions. This can give you time to think of an honest response instead of a lie. [12]
    • Next time your boss asks if you completed your last assignment, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself, "Did I complete everything they asked me to do?" If the answer is no, be honest.

    Warning: Answering honestly will probably result in a stern reprimand or well-deserved discipline. But that's better than losing trust by lying.

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6

Be honest with yourself.

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    Sometimes it's hard to accept a difficult truth. Maybe you have a really hard time saving money because of an online shopping habit that's gotten out of hand. It might be easier to tell yourself that everything is fine and that you don't have a problem. In order to really find a solution to the issue and avoid lying to yourself (and others), you have to reflect honestly on things that you don't want to admit. [13]
    • Everyone messes up sometimes. Reflecting honestly on your behavior can help you heal and prevent making the same mistakes in the future. Lying will not help in the long run. [14]

    Did You Know? A lie cannot last long; sooner or later the truth always comes out. Besides, as the saying goes, "You'd rather catch a liar than a lame man."

7

Note every time you lie in a journal.

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    In order to stop lying, you have to acknowledge when you do it. Write down the lies you tell throughout the day and reflect on why you told them. This can help you become more aware of what motivates you to lie, whether it be insecurity or a desire to please others. [15]
    • This honest reflection can be very therapeutic. Treat your journal like a safe space to process your emotions and recognize what you can do to improve.

    If you do this to please others and you are afraid that by telling the truth they will no longer want to be your friend, then it clearly shows that they were not your true friends. A friend is someone who accepts you for who you are.

    If you are trying to avoid a conflict, reprimand, or punishment, try to reflect on the mistake or mistakes you made and, most importantly, learn from them so that you do not make them again next time.

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8

Talk to a mental health professional.

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    There are a lot of factors that cause people to lie, like low self-esteem, social awkwardness, and impulsivity. [16] Seek out the help of a professional to explore the underlying issues that may be causing you to lie. Get a referral from your doctor or search online for a professional in your area. [17]
    • Though it may be hard, be honest with your therapist or counselor when you meet with them. A professional is there to help you, and they won't judge you for your struggles or behavior.
9

Seek help for an underlying mental health condition.

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    These include narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder. If you think your lying may actually be an underlying symptom, know that help is available. Talking to a mental health professional like a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist can give you the resources you need. [18]
    • Other symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a sense of superiority over others, difficulty maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships, and underlying feelings of low self-esteem and intense shame. [19]
    • Attributes of antisocial personality disorder include dismissal of right and wrong, violent or aggressive behaviors, and abusive or unhealthy interpersonal relationships. [20]
    • The symptoms of borderline personality disorder include an intense fear of being abandoned, depression, and recurrent mood swings. [21]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What is the root cause of pathological lying?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    While the root cause of pathological lying isn't known, some people learn to lie pathologically as children. They do this to receive something, to achieve something, to avoid a consequence for a deed done wrong, or to place the blame upon another.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 32
  • Question
    Can you recover from being a pathological liar?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Absolutely—just don't expect it to happen overnight. Many pathological liars become hooked on lying at a very young age, as it helps them achieve a certain outcome or manifest their personal ambitions, goals, and desires. Still, pathological lying can be managed and eventually eliminated from an individual's life.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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  • Question
    Can lying be a symptom of depression?
    Anderson Bridges
    Community Answer
    It could be. Some people with depression might lie and deny having depression, or they might lie because their emotions make them compulsive liars.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Warnings

      • Remember that being a pathological liar can make people not believe anything you say, even if you tell the truth at some point, and that they cannot trust you. Remember, as the saying goes, "In the mouth of a liar, the truth is doubtful."
        Thanks
      • If you feel the urge to lie, remember the fable of the shepherd boy who cried out many times that "the wolf is coming," (called "The Boy Who Cried Wolf") and especially its moral.
        Thanks
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-nature-deception/202009/what-is-pathological-lying
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201309/why-we-lie-and-how-stop
      3. ↑ Jennifer Butler, MSW. Love & Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
      4. ↑ Jennifer Butler, MSW. Love & Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
      5. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      6. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/truth-lies
      7. ↑ Jennifer Butler, MSW. Love & Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201309/why-we-lie-and-how-stop
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201309/why-we-lie-and-how-stop
      1. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.thecut.com/2020/11/why-cant-i-stop-lying-all-the-time.html
      3. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/liar-liar-pants-fire-am-i-pathological-liar
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201708/the-many-ways-we-lie-ourselves
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-forgive-yourself-and-why-its-important
      6. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/liar-liar-pants-fire-am-i-pathological-liar
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2014/09/6-subtle-characteristics-of-the-pathological-liar
      9. ↑ https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/pathological-lying-symptom-or-disease
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      11. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928
      12. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9762-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd

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