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Coming out to your parents can be a pretty emotional process. It can also be life changing. You might feel nervous, anxious, or even scared. Remember that being bisexual is an important part of who you are. Who you share that information with, and when, is entirely your choice. Before telling your parents about your sexuality, make sure that you have a good plan in place. Then, take steps to make sure the conversation is constructive. After that, you can work together to figure out how you can live confidently with who you are. However, remember no matter what your parents say, you are beautiful, inside and out, just the way you are. Whatever you do is your choice, just know that you are not alone.
Steps
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Be comfortable with your sexuality. It’s one thing to be certain about your sexuality, and another to be comfortable with it. If you are dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion, it might be a good idea to wait to tell your parents. It’s necessary to accept yourself for who you are before you can expect others to accept you.
- Try looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I am bisexual." If that makes you feel confident and happy, great. If it makes you nervous, keep trying until it feels more comfortable.
- Try coming out to a friend first. This will help you get used to talking about being bisexual.
- Coming out can take up a lot of emotional energy. Make sure you feel confident in who you are before you decide to have a potentially tough talk.
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Build your support system. Coming out to anyone can be hard. If you are unsure about how your parents will react, it can feel especially scary. Make sure to have people you can lean on. A support system can help you feel more comfortable having the talk, and can also reassure that you’ll have a shoulder to lean on no matter what.
- If you are out to another relative, give them a heads up that you are going to talk to your parents. They might have some helpful advice on how to handle the discussion.
- Consider asking someone in your support system to be there with you for backup and support when you come out to your parents.
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Gather advice from relevant organizations. There are several organizations, such as the LGBT Foundation, that can be used as a resource for how to handle situations like coming out to your loved ones. Before deciding when and how to tell your parents, go online and search for advice and tips from these organizations. [1] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018. -
Write down your motives. It’s important to figure out why you want to come out to your parents. A good reason would be because you love them and don’t want to keep secrets from them. You probably don't want to tell them you are bisexual because you’re having an argument and you want to use your sexuality to hurt them.
- Take a minute to jot down your reasons. They might be “I’m proud of who I am” or “I am ready to live openly”.
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Pick a time when your parents are calm. This conversation has the potential to become tense and emotional. To help ensure that it is constructive, consider what else is going on at home. Are your parents stressed about money? This is probably not a good time for a serious conversation. Did your grandmother recently become ill? It’s probably a good idea to wait until things are a little more stable.
- If possible, choose a time when the emotional climate at home is pretty calm. You want your parents to be able to focus on you.
- Try asking if you can talk after dinner. A weekend might also be a good time for this important conversation.
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Make a safety plan. Pay attention to how your parents seem to view LGBT people. Have you ever heard them make angry comments about bisexuals or bisexuality? If you have any sense that your parents will react very badly, you need to have a safety plan in place. Make sure you have ways to keep yourself safe if the situation turns scary or even violent.
- If you aren’t sure how your parents view bisexuality, watch some TV shows or movies that feature bisexual situations or people. Ask your parents about their opinions on what you are watching to help gauge their views before you come out.
- Let a close friend know when you will be having the conversation. If you think it’s necessary, say something like “I’m not sure how this talk will go. Can I stay at your house if I need to?” [2]
X
Expert Source
Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018. - Make sure you have your own money if there is a chance your parents might kick you out of the house.
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Speak clearly. Try to sound confident when you are talking. To do this, speak in a calm, clear tone of voice. Do not dance around the issue. Speak directly and say what you mean to say.
- For example, you could say, “Mom, I want you to know that I am bisexual. I’m comfortable with who I am, and I hope you can be, too.”
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Answer your parents' questions about bisexuality. Your parents might be surprised to hear that you are bisexual. They might not know much about what that actually means. Be prepared for them to have a lot of questions. Try to answer them as honestly as you can, but don’t feel like you have to share anything that you’re not comfortable with. For example, you could say, "This isn't a choice, it is the way I am." Be prepared for questions such as: [3] X Research source
- "Are you sure?"
- "Why would you make this choice?"
- "Don’t you think you’ll grow out of this?"
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Provide resources. Your parents might be really confused about what being bisexual actually means. For instance, they might wonder if that means you like boys 50% and girls 50%, or if you have a scale. It's important to let them know that it's not a black and white issue. Explain that you are attracted to different people for different reasons. It will be helpful for you to answer their questions. It’s also a good idea for you to help them understand by giving them additional information. Overall LGBT resources will be useful, but you can also ask your local support center to give you some information that helps to explain bisexuality more specifically.
- Gather some pamphlets from your local LGBT community center. You can also ask for some informational material from your campus LGBT center if you are a student.
- Provide them with some good websites to check out. They’re more likely to be supportive if they are better informed.
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Be ready for different responses. You can’t predict exactly how your parents will react. Think about possible different responses, and figure out how you will respond. Remember that the initial reaction does not always indicate how they really feel; they may need some time to come to terms with the news and accept it. For example, they might be in shock first but come around to acceptance and support in a short amount of time. Some common reactions are:
- Shock
- Anger
- Sadness
- Dismissal
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Stand up for yourself. Hopefully, your parents' reaction will be loving and supportive. It’s great if they are immediately respectful. If they don’t react in a positive way, don’t lose your confidence. If your parents say ugly or hurtful things, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.
- You can say, “Please don’t insult me. I don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
- You also have the right to shut down the conversation. Try saying, “This is not constructive. I’m going to take a break from this.”
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Consider coming out to one parent before the other. If you’re closer to one of your parents or trust them a little more, it may be a good idea to talk to them first about being bisexual. They may be able to help you or give you advice on how to tell the other parent.
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Accept their response. However your parents react, you will need to accept it. Remember that they will likely be surprised and emotional. Instead of arguing or fighting with them, accept their response. Remember that everyone needs time to process their thoughts and feelings. [4] X Research source
- You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I won’t pressure you, but I do hope you’ll change your mind.”
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Plan a follow-up conversation. This could be a really emotional conversation for both you and your parents. If it seems like you are talking in circles, consider taking a break. You could suggest that you choose a time to have a follow-up talk.
- Say, “We all seem tired. Could we talk about this again on Saturday?”
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Be patient. It might be pretty tough if you don’t get a supportive reaction. Try to focus on the positive parts of your relationship. Remember that they might not always be so angry or sad. Try to give them some time to process. [5] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.- This doesn’t mean that you should let them treat you poorly. Remember to stick up for yourself.
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Practice self-care. You might be pretty tired after such a big conversation. Remember to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Try getting something to eat and doing something relaxing. You might see if a friend wants to go for a walk.
- Don’t forget to do things that make you happy. Listen to your favorite music, watch a funny show, or read a good book.
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Join the Discussion...
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you come out to your family?Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.There is no single correct way to come out. What's right for one person may not be right for you and vice versa. Remember, you have total control over when, and how, you choose to come out. If you're nervous about how your family will respond, you could always just rip the bandage off and get it over with. Alternatively, you can come out one at a time to more understanding members of your family so they can come to your aid if any other family members have a negative reaction.
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QuestionWhat if my parents don't know what bisexual means?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Make sure to get some educational materials from resources like the LGBT Foundation in order to add credibility and to help answer any questions that they may have when you decide to come out.
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QuestionI'm scared of my parents rejecting me. Is there any way I can prevent that?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.You can't change their opinion initially, but you can prepare for rejection. Be sure to have a safety plan in place if you choose to come out. It may be best to wait until another time to come out if you see that they seem hostile towards the idea and you have no place to go.
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Tips
- Be calm when approaching this topic.Thanks
- Be confident.Thanks
- Wait until you know you truly are bisexual.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
- ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
- ↑ http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/index.php/ComingOut
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/lgbtq/coming-out/how-do-i-come-out
- ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
About This Article
Article Summary
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Coming out to your parents can be an emotional and even scary experience, but you can stay in control of the conversation and protect yourself by planning ahead and remaining confident. Before you approach your parents, find a time when they are calm so they can focus on you and your feelings rather than be affected by outside stresses. If you’ve already come out to a relative or close friend, consider asking them to be there for support. As you talk to your parents, speak clearly and confidently, and explain how you’re comfortable with who you are. For example, you can say, "I want you to know that I am bisexual. I’m comfortable with who I am, and I hope you can be, too." Be prepared for a strong reaction, and stand up for yourself if they say ugly or hurtful things. However they react, accept their response and give them time to process their feelings instead of fighting. For more help from our Counselor co-author, like how to educate your parents on LGBT lifestyles, read on.
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