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Signs he's pulling back and what to do about it
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If you feel like you're getting mixed signals from the guy you're dating, it's normal for your mind to go into overdrive. It's important to remember that you may think you're overthinking something when you're actually just paying attention in a healthy way. Read on for signs that you really are overthinking it, as well as signs that he might be having second thoughts. Then, we'll touch on how to talk to him about what's going on so the two of you can decide how to best move forward.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- If he's affectionate, pays attention to you, and puts effort into the relationship, you might be overthinking the situation.
- If he frequently cancels plans with no explanation or apology, ignores you, and doesn't initiate conversations, he might be losing interest.
- Have an open and honest conversation in person to figure out where he is in the relationship so you can decide what to do.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Signs You're Overthinking It
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He initiates contact about as much as you do. This is a sign that you're both putting similar effort into the relationship, which means you're definitely headed down the right path. If it's important to him to reach out to you and see how you're doing and what you're up to, he wants to be in the relationship. [1] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If there's a little imbalance from time to time, that's totally normal and doesn't necessarily mean he's losing interest. Look at the longer term, not just what happens over a day or two.
- It's totally normal to be a little nervous when you don't hear from him for a while—especially if this is a new relationship. Have patience, and the two of you will find a good rhythm.
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He tells you when he's busy and makes time for you later. He's not ignoring you—he really is busy. If he takes a second to let you know when he'll be free and then puts his focus on you, he really does care about you. He wants to get to know you better and is interested in responding to you and making an effort. [2] X Research source
- If you still feel like he's just making excuses, ask yourself why you feel that way. Think about the conversations you do have and how deep they go. That can help you figure out if he's really interested or just going through the motions.
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He offers an immediate alternative when he's unavailable. He wants to spend time with you! If he has a conflict, he's quick to drop you a few other dates when he's free so you can make plans then. You both enjoy spending quality time together when you can but also respect each other's time separately. [3] X Research source
- In a healthy relationship, you both give each other the time and space apart to do what fulfills you as individuals. You don't need to spend every waking moment together.
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He's genuinely apologetic if he has to cancel plans. When you do have plans and something comes up, he feels bad about it. He offers you a sincere apology because he knows that you were looking forward to spending time with him too. [4] X Research source
- He sincerely feels bad if he disappoints you and probably tries to make it up to you. For example, he might say, "I'm really sorry I can't make it for dinner tonight. How about we go out tomorrow instead? Anywhere you want, my treat."
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He's spontaneously affectionate. Not every guy is super touchy-feely or into a lot of PDA, but if he's genuinely interested in you, he'll make little gestures randomly from time to time. He might put his arm around you or playfully squeeze you as he walks by you in a room. Little kisses also show that he's definitely still into you. [5] X Research source
- You can see affection in his eyes as well—in the way he looks at you. If you catch him gazing at you affectionately, know that he's not losing interest.
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He flaunts you when you're out in public. If he's really into you, he wants to show you off. When the two of you go out, he wants everyone to know that he's with you. He invites you when he goes out with friends and is clearly proud to be with you. [6] X Research source
- He also brags about you to friends and family and makes sure everybody knows how great you are.
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He's curious about your life and your thoughts. He asks questions and has meaningful conversations with you on a deeper level because he wants to develop a deeper relationship. You feel as though he's truly listening and interested in what you have to say.
- For example, if you tell him about something that happened at work, he'll ask how it made you feel or what you're thinking about doing next. He's really interested in how things affect you, not just what happened.
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He talks about his future and your role in it. If he's really into you, he considers you a part of his life and he sees the two of you as having a future together. When he talks about future events, he either asks if you want to go or assumes the two of you will go together. [7] X Research source
- For example, if he's thinking about a vacation, he might say, "Hey, I was thinking about taking some time off in September. Which do you prefer—beach or mountains?"
- If your guy mentions marriage, then that's a great sign that he loves you deeply. Most people do envision marriage as part of their future, but only with someone they really love (and definitely aren't losing interest in).
- Reader Poll: We asked 288 wikiHow readers how they feel about marriage, and 74% said that they’d like to get married someday . [Take Poll]
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He's open to talking about your relationship. Overthinking often indicates a lack of communication. If the two of you have been seeing each other for several months, make time for regular talks about your relationship and your feelings about it.
- These regular conversations give you the information from him that you need so you won't feel the need to speculate and overthink things.
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He supports you and wants to be there for you. When you have something bad going on in your life, you know that you can count on him. He's ready to do what he can to make you feel safe and secure. He's not going anywhere and he wants to help you through anything. Likewise, when something great happens, you can always count on him to cheer you on and be happy for you. [8] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Think about how he responds when you have a problem or concern in your life. Is he eager to be there for you or does he back off?
- When he's really interested in you, he shows that he's willing to stick around even when things get tough. If you're having a conflict in your relationship, he wants to work with you to find a solution.
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Section 2 of 3:
Signs He Might Be Losing Interest
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You initiate most conversations with him. While there's always going to be some ebb and flow, communication in healthy relationships is generally more balanced. If you're carrying all the weight and starting all the conversations yourself, he might be checking out of the relationship. [9] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If you find yourself always texting first, you might find yourself wondering if he would ever text you if you didn't text him first. That feeling is a pretty good indication that he might be losing interest.
- Talk to him about the frequency of texts and calls. It might just be that he's not that big of a texter! Or it could be that you text him more than he's comfortable with and he finds it overwhelming.
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He responds to you less often and his responses are less in-depth. If you're texting him a paragraph and he gives a one-word response, it could just mean that he's busy and that's all he has time to say at the moment. But if that's all you ever get, it's likely that he's losing interest. [10] X Research source
- You can see this in face-to-face conversations as well. If you're telling him a whole story and he's not paying attention, seems checked out, or starts scrolling his phone while you're talking, he's likely losing interest in you.
- Try asking him what's going on and see how he responds. You might say, "You seem distracted lately. Is there something you want to talk about?"
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He cancels plans without offering any alternative. He probably doesn't care much about spending time with you if he makes no effort to reschedule—especially if he has to cancel at the last minute. When you talk about making plans, he might also put you off with vague excuses or an indefinite response. [11] X Research source
- For example, you might ask him about getting together on Saturday and his response is, "I've got a lot going on. We'll see."
- When this happens, ask for specifics and see how he responds. You might say, "I really want to see you sometime soon. I know you're busy and I am too, that's why I want to make a specific plan. Would Sunday at noon work for you?"
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He doesn't seem to be bothered if he can't see you. If he's really into you, he'll miss you when you're not around and want to spend more time with you. When he acts like it's not a big deal, he could be telling you that he just doesn't care whether he spends time with you or not. [12] X Research source
- For example, he might not make any effort to try to get together or act like it's not a big deal if your schedules don't match up.
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He is less affectionate with you. He avoids making physical contact with you, even when the two of you are alone. If he's passing through a room where you are, he'll walk on the other side of the room rather than brush up against you. When you're talking, he doesn't touch you at all or make a lot of eye contact. [13] X Research source
- Look for changes in affection that differ from the norm. For example, when you sit and watch TV together, you used to cuddle. Now you sit on opposite ends of the couch.
- Try making small gestures towards him and see how he responds. For example, you might sit down right next to him and see if he moves over.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Don't be afraid to give him a little space at this point, too. If a guy doesn't want to be intimate, it could signify underlying anxieties within the relationship. This could be a sign that he needs more time to figure things out for himself—and space would definitely help with this.
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He ignores you when you're out in public. When the two of you go out together, nobody would even know you were together unless they asked one of you. If you go to a party or event, he immediately makes for the other side of the room. If you're sitting together, he's scrolling social media on his phone or texting someone else. [14] X Research source
- Pay attention to this when you're out with a group as well. If he talks to other people and doesn't talk to you or make any effort to include you in his conversation, he might be losing interest.
- Does he introduce you to people? If someone walks up to talk to him and he doesn't introduce you to them, that's another sign that he could be losing interest.
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He doesn't ask many questions about your life. He's not interested in getting to know you or learn about what you're into. When you talk to him about something, you get superficial responses and he doesn't try to dig into anything or learn more details. [15] X Research source
- For example, you might tell him about something that happened at work and his response is, "Oh yeah? That's nice."
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He doesn't include you in his future plans. When he talks about events happening down the road, be it a few months or a few years, it's like you don't exist. He doesn't invite you or ask if you're able or interested in going. He tells you about things he's going to do but doesn't include you in the planning. [16] X Research source
- For example, he might say, "I'm thinking about taking some time off in September. I'll probably go to the beach for a few days."
- You might toss out a light question to see how he responds here. For example, if he's talking about making a trip, you might ask, "Do you want some company?"
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He dodges questions about your relationship status. If he dodges these types of questions, it's probably because he's not ready to have that conversation. If he's not ready to have that conversation, it's likely because he thinks it's gonna be tough—and he's not there yet. [17] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- This includes saying things such as, "I just want to see where things go," or "I don't like labels." If he's not willing to talk seriously about what type of relationship you have and where it's headed, he could be afraid of commitment—or he could just be losing interest.
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His life is going in a different direction from yours. When a guy is really into you, he tries to align his life and his interests with yours. He'll emphasize the things the two of you have in common and the fact that you're both walking the same path. If he starts talking about your differences, it might be a sign that he's starting to lose interest. [18] X Research source
- For example, he might start a new hobby that's something you're not interested in and devote a lot of his time to that.
- If you ask him what he was doing, he might say something like, "Oh, you wouldn't be interested in that," or "It's not something you'd be into."
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Section 3 of 3:
What to Do
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Start a conversation with him about his feelings. A healthy relationship is about growing together and learning and sharing. Plan a sit-down conversation , face to face, with no distractions. [19] X Research source
- A real conversation is important so that the two of you can look each other in the eyes and see each other's body language as you talk.
- If he really is losing interest, this gives you an opportunity to discuss those feelings openly and talk about what can be done about it (if anything).
- If he's not losing interest and you really are overthinking, then he's doing things that are making you feel insecure. That can damage your relationship as well unless you talk about it. [20] X Research source
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Tell him what you've been thinking and feeling lately. If you're concerned about getting over-invested in him when he's not really that invested in you, let him know. It's important for the two of you to know where you're at and be on the same page.
- Keep in mind that overthinking is often due to a lack of communication. He might not even realize that the things he's doing are making you feel insecure—this is why you need to tell him about it. [21] X Research source
- It helps to refer to specific examples of his behavior that have made you think or feel the way you do. Focus on how you interpreted his behavior, using an "I" statement. [22] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I feel like a third wheel when we go out with your friends and you don't include me or pay me any attention."
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Listen openly to his concerns and ask him questions. It's possible that he'll just feed you a bunch of excuses, but if you listen and ask open-ended questions, you'll get a better sense of where he's coming from. Validate his feelings and ensure that he feels that you're hearing him and sharing his concerns—that will make him feel more comfortable talking to you openly. [23] X Research source
- Avoid being accusatory or he might get defensive. Use "I" statements and keep the focus on how his behavior makes you feel, not how it's somehow wrong.
- Take ownership and responsibility for your own emotions. Remember that he has no control over your emotions and can't make you feel anything.
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Commit to caring for and loving yourself. When you get wrapped up in a relationship, your self-care can fall by the wayside. If you're focusing more on him and the relationship than you are on yourself, it's time to turn your focus back inward. Do things on your own that fulfill you as a person so that you're not depending on him for your happiness. [24] X Research source
- Using mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and yoga, can help you gain better control of your emotions and find balance—especially during the early stages of a relationship. [25] X Research source
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Take a break if things are moving too fast. If you've only been seeing each other for a few weeks and you're already thinking about commitment, it might actually be time for you to put on the brakes. Pay attention to what stage of the relationship you're in and what a healthy level of attachment might be.
- Work on building a friendship within your existing relationship and maintain a balance between that relationship and your relationships with others. [26] X Research source
- Building a strong foundation of friendship will also improve your relationship and make your bond more solid so that you'll have fewer doubts about him in the future.
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Talk to a couples therapist. If the two of you are in a committed relationship and you feel that he's losing interest—even if he's not!—you have communication issues you need to work on. A couples therapist can serve as a mediator and help the two of you talk about your needs in a constructive way to help heal your relationship. [27] X Research source
- Even if he says he's losing interest, if he's willing to go to therapy with you, it might be possible to salvage your relationship. Your therapist can help you work through your problems to potentially rekindle what you've lost.
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References
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-recognize-the-signs-hes-not-into-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201503/10-signs-youre-in-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201503/10-signs-youre-in-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/11-signs-hes-not-headed-toward
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/11-signs-hes-not-headed-toward
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201607/seven-signs-hes-really-in-love-with-you
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201602/what-do-when-you-feel-someone-pulling-away
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201503/10-signs-youre-in-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201503/10-signs-youre-in-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/11-signs-hes-not-headed-toward
- ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/11696/signs-hes-not-into-you/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-recognize-the-signs-hes-not-into-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201607/seven-signs-hes-really-in-love-with-you
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-recognize-the-signs-hes-not-into-you/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201602/what-do-when-you-feel-someone-pulling-away
- ↑ https://mindwellnyc.com/how-to-stop-overthinking-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://mindwellnyc.com/how-to-stop-overthinking-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201602/what-do-when-you-feel-someone-pulling-away
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-than-chemistry/201809/4-reasons-why-people-lose-interest-in-a-partner
- ↑ https://jennyteg.com/2019/06/im-nervous-the-person-im-dating-is-losing-interest-am-i-just-paranoid/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-than-chemistry/201809/4-reasons-why-people-lose-interest-in-a-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202301/3-signs-your-partner-is-withdrawing-from-your-relationship
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