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Asking a guy to be your boyfriend can be scary, but it doesn't have to be. With the right mindset, you can have a meaningful conversation about the future of your relationship with a guy without feeling stressed.
Steps
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Determine whether you’re ready to commit. The decision to commit can be a tricky one. Whether or not you are ready for a committed, steady relationship can be determined by a number of factors. Every case is different, and you might have certain expectations for a relationship. [1] X Research source Ask yourself:
- How do I feel about him? Do I feel excited when we are together? Do I miss him when he is gone?
- Can I handle the time commitment of a serious relationship right now? What type of relationship do I want? [2] X Research source
- Have we fought before? If so, how well did we handle it? [3] X Research source
- Does he respect me? Are there any red flags I am concerned about? Am I uncertain about his character? Do I trust him? [4] X Research source
- How do I feel about monogamy? Do I want an exclusive relationship with one person? If so, am I willing to be monogamous with this man? If not, are both parties open to a polyamorous relationship?
- Am I doing this because he makes me happy? Or are other people pressuring me to have a boyfriend?
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Take the length of your relationship into consideration. Asking your guy to be your boyfriend too soon can scare him off if the feeling isn’t mutual, but waiting too long can create confusion and hurt feelings. Since all relationships are different, there’s no specific amount of time you should wait before asking. Trust your instinct. If the timing feels right, it might just be.
- If you have just met the guy, you might want to go on a few dates before you ask him to be your boyfriend. You may not want to commit to someone you just met.
- Many people ask a partner to become steady or exclusive after about six dates or one month. [5] X Research source
- Some people wait until they have dated for three months to have the talk.
- If you have a long distance relationship, you may want to establish this talk sooner rather than later. This will help both parties understand what is expected even when you are far apart. [6] X Research source
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Identify whether the guy is interested. You should have some indication about how the guy feels about you. The only way to be absolutely certain about his feelings is to ask him, but you can look for certain signs that might signal his feelings.
- If a man refers to future plans, it might be a sign that he is planning on sticking around with you. [7] X Research source
- If he brags about you to people, especially to his friends, it might show that he is proud to be around you. [8] X Research source
- If he sends you texts asking how you are throughout the day, it may mean that he is thinking often about you. [9] X Research source
- If you see each other several times a week and hang out every weekend, it may be a sign that he is becoming more invested in you. [10] X Research source
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Prepare yourself for rejection. While you’re hoping he agrees to be your boyfriend, keep in mind that he might say no. Your guy may not be ready for a serious relationship with you, or perhaps he doesn’t like using titles or labels to describe your relationship. Think about how you will respond to a rejection.
- If you want a serious relationship with someone who will commit to you, you may have to part ways with this guy if he says no. This will allow you to find someone who wants a serious relationship as well.
- If you are content with your relationship, you might decide to maintain your current status until he’s ready to become your boyfriend.
- If you have deep feelings for this guy, you might have to decide whether or not you want to hang out with him afterwards. You might decide to just stay friends, or you might decide to cut off contact until you can get over him.
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Plan ahead. It will be easier for you if you know when you are going to ask the question. You can practice the conversation ahead of time, or you can identify the right moment to bring the issue up. There is no one right time to ask a guy to be your boyfriend. Judge your personal circumstances carefully.
- Some people plan a special date and hold this conversation at the end of a date. Others find that this conversation comes most naturally when they are hanging out together alone. Either way, choose a good day ahead of time.
- Do not ask at a time when the guy will be stressed, upset, or busy. He may be taken aback by the question, and this could affect his answer. [11] X Research source
- If you are feeling nervous, anxious, or jittery, you can practice what you will say ahead of time. In a mirror, try starting the conversation and asking the question. [12] X Research source
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Meet in person. It might be tempting to text or message a guy to ask him, but these questions are best dealt with in person. Talking in person allows you to explore different options for your relationship. If there are any questions or concerns the guy has, you can deal with them together. [13] X Research source
- If you’re in a long distance relationship, it may not be easy to meet up in person. If you can have this conversation during a visit, you might want to wait until the end before asking, in case you receive a negative answer. If you cannot ask in person, calling him is the next best option.
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Determine a good place for conversation. There is no one right place to have the relationship talk, but it should be a place where you can both express your feelings and discuss your future together. Consider what is right for you and the guy.
- You should probably have this talk while you two are alone. You might broach the question during a walk on the beach, at the park, or in one of your homes.
- If there a place that is special to both of you—such as the site of your first date or a favorite monument--, you might choose to have the talk there to make it memorable.
- Make sure that the guy is not distracted. Do not ask him during a movie, while you are out with friends, or when he is working.
- If you ask him while you are in the car or eating at a restaurant, he may feel trapped. Have the conversation in a place where you are both comfortable. [14] X Research source
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Introduce the question at the right moment. While hanging out on your planned day, you should focus on staying relaxed. Wait until a good moment to introduce the topic. Wait for a moment that feels “right” or “special.” If you are having difficulty with this, you can follow some basic guidelines.
- If he compliments you, you might compliment him back, starting a conversation on what you enjoy about each other. This is a natural segue into the relationship talk.
- If there a period of silence, you might bring up the issue. Say how happy you are in the moment, and see if the conversation comes up.
- At the end of your date or hang out, you can say, “Hey, before you go, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
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Consider waiting for your guy to bring it up first. If getting around to calling him your “boyfriend” isn’t too high a priority, consider waiting to see if your guy mentions it first. This also helps you feel out whether your guy is comfortable with using titles or labels to define your relationship. This might be a good option if you are uncertain about your feelings or if you think that he is uncertain about the relationship.
- Do not wait around forever for a guy to bring up the question. Set a date for yourself before you ask him. For example, you might give him a month before asking him yourself.
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Start with a compliment. Tell the guy what you like about him. This flattery will relax him, and it will make the relationship question much easier to broach. A compliment about his humor, intelligence, or kindness is a good way to signal how you think about him. [15] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- You might say, “You know, you are so funny. I’ve never met a guy like you before.”
- Another good compliment is, “You are very thoughtful. I’m so touched by your gestures.”
- If he smiles, thanks you, or compliments you back, it may be a positive sign that he feels similarly about you.
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Explain your feelings about him. Once you have started on a positive note, it may be easy to start explaining your feelings for him. If you received a positive reaction from your compliment, you might want to delve deeper into your feelings. Explain to him how you feel about him. You might explain that you have enjoyed your time together so far or that you are starting to develop feelings.
- You might say, “I’ve had such a good time with you so far. You’re a really unique person, and I've been thinking a lot about our relationship.”
- You should probably avoid telling him that you love him at this point. He may become scared or worried that the relationship is moving too quickly. Instead, you might say that you are “developing feelings” or that you “really like” him.
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Ask your guy if he wants to be your boyfriend. It is best to ask him directly about whether or not he is ready to be your boyfriend. Depending on the situation, you can approach this question in a number of different ways.
- You can ask him directly by saying, “Do you want to make this official? Do you want to become my boyfriend?”
- If you’re uncertain about the status of your relationship, you can ask, “Where do you see this relationship going?”
- If either of you are dating multiple people, you can ask, “Do you want to start seeing each other exclusively?”
- If you want to understand how he sees you, you might say, “I want to know what to tell other people when they ask what our relationship is. Would you say you’re my boyfriend?”
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Establish your expectations. You both might have different ideas of what a steady relationship means. Perhaps he’s ready to date you exclusively but not ready to meet your family. Maybe he wants to have sex but you want to wait. When you have the talk, you both should clearly state what you expect out of the situation. [16] X Research source
- You might begin this conversation by asking him, “What does being a boyfriend mean to you?”
- Answer truthfully if he asks you about what you expect in a relationship. For example, you might say, "I expect a guy to be faithful and to be honest with me. I'm not ready for marriage yet, but I do want to explore the possibility of a more serious relationship."
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Be clear if you're looking for something casual or long-term. Be upfront from the very beginning about what you're looking for so there's no room for miscommunication. Talking about these things helps ensure that you're both on the same page.
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Give him time to respond. The guy might be feeling pressured or uncomfortable by the question. If he appears anxious, uncomfortable, or hesitant, you might want to give him a day or two to think over his answer. While it may seem as though he trying not to commit, he may just need time to consider whether or not he’s ready for it. [17] X Research source
- You can say, “If you need time to think about it, that’s fine. Give it some time before you make your decision.”
- If he asks for space, give him space. You can ask, “How long do you think you need to figure this out?” Try not to bring up the question again until that time has passed.
- If he does not give you a time frame, you can ask again after a few days. Say, “Hey, I just wanted to know if you’ve given any thought to our relationship. Have you decided where we stand?”
- Do not obsessively text, call, or message him about this issue. If he did not give you a straight answer right away, you might text him once after you asked the question and again in a day or two. Give him some space if he needs it to decide.
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Handle rejection gracefully. If he states that he does not want to be your boyfriend, try to remain positive. Try to smile, and let him know that you understand. He may be content with continuing a casual relationship, or he may want to end things there. Consider your own feelings before proceeding.
- If he wants to end things, respect his choice. Thank him for your time together, but state that you understand. You might say, “I’m sorry to hear that, but I had fun with you. Good luck in the future.”
- If he wants to continue a casual relationship but you want to end things, you might say, “I think it would best if we stopped seeing each other then.” If he asks why, simply state, “It seems that we want different things.”
- He might state that he wants to stay friends with you. Do not agree unless you are willing to be just friends. If you feel as though this would be difficult, be honest. Say, “I’m not sure that will work out for me. You’re a great guy, but I think I will need some space.”
- Some men may “ghost” you or stop contacting you. It is natural to feel upset about this, but it does not mean that he necessarily dislikes you. He may only feel awkward about the situation. [18] X Research source
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Ways and Letter to Ask a Guy to Be Your Boyfriend
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow long till I ask him to be my boyfriend?Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.Ask him about his previous relationships. To work up to asking a guy to be your boyfriend, try asking him how long it took for him and his significant other to get together in his first relationship. That can help you gauge how long it takes him to warm up to someone.
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QuestionHow do you ask a guy if he's serious about you?Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.Ask him if he's serious about you, and pay attention to his response. Keep in mind that not answering you is an answer. If he says something like, "We're having fun together," then they're probably not taking things seriously but they're not confident enough to say it directly.
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QuestionHow do I ask him to be official?Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.Be direct. It might be scary to do so, but the best way to go about asking a guy to be your boyfriend is by expressing how you feel. You can also try asking questions like "What are your plans for us?" or "Where do you see this going?"
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Tips
- Different relationships operate on different terms and schedules. Don’t be pressured or ashamed if your relationship does not move at the same speed as your friends’ relationships.Thanks
- If you just met your crush, don't rush it. Get to know him and then maybe try something with him.Thanks
- Take some time after you become a couple before you progress your relationship. While each relationship moves at its own speed, he may not be ready for more serious steps, such as meeting your parents or moving in with you.Thanks
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Warnings
- Do not harass or bother a man to become your boyfriend. If he is uninterested, the best thing you can do is move on.Thanks
- Do not get angry if a man does not want to be your boyfriend. There are many reasons he could have said no. Perhaps he is not in a good place for a relationship, or maybe you two are not right for each other.Thanks
- It is natural to feel sad, upset, or depressed after a rejection. Try to distract yourself with activities that you enjoy, and spend some time with your friends.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201602/10-questions-help-you-tell-if-youre-ready-commit
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201602/10-questions-help-you-tell-if-youre-ready-commit
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201602/10-questions-help-you-tell-if-youre-ready-commit
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/build-trust/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202205/why-date-nights-are-so-important-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202205/why-date-nights-are-so-important-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201310/look-ahead-strengthen-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201207/bragging-when-is-it-ok-and-when-is-it-not-ok
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/joyful-parenting/201512/5-texts-you-should-send-your-partner-every-day
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201812/why-do-we-people-who-are-similar-us
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/202108/why-its-so-important-couples-talk-about-their-values
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103116302943
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/ambigamy/201903/expectation-management
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201609/react-vs-respond
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/psychiatry-the-people/202208/how-people-deal-being-in-the-friend-zone
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Article Summary
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The best way to ask a boy to be your boyfriend is to do it in person when you’re both alone, relaxed, and having a good time. Start by telling him what you like about him and then explain your feelings toward him. Then, ask him to be your boyfriend, and define what that means to you. For advice from our reviewer on how long to give him to respond, and what to do if he says no, read on!
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