How to Be Chivalrous

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Chivalry goes back as far as medieval times when it was a code of honor for knights. Today, particularly in dating culture, chivalry means showing kindness, honor, bravery, maturity, and loyalty to the people around you. Modern chivalry is also for all genders—anyone can practice chivalry by showing respect and kindness to their partners and the people around them.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Practicing Small Acts of Chivalry

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  1. If there’s someone behind you, help them by holding the door regardless of their gender or whether you know them. This kind of common courtesy is an important part of chivalry. [1]
    • For example, if you see someone coming in behind you with their arms full, you should hold the door for them.
    • You should also hold the door for your partner, but only if they’re comfortable with it. Some people like to open the door for themselves as a sign of independence.
  2. This is another chivalrous action previously reserved just for women. However, you should apply this kindness to anyone who isn’t as physically fit and may need a seat, such as a pregnant, ill, or elderly person. [2]
    • For example, if you’re sitting on the bus and you see an elderly woman standing up, you could say, “Excuse me, ma’am, would you like this seat?” and offer her your spot.
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  3. If you see someone being mistreated or bullied, chivalry means stepping in and helping the victim. Stepping in can be difficult to do in the moment, but standing up for others can also be as simple as asking the victim if they need any help or calling for help from a law enforcement official or another bystander. [3]
    • Standing up for others shows chivalrous qualities such as bravery, honor, and loyalty to your principles.
    • For example, if you see someone being harassed on the subway or the street, you could step in and ask the victim if they need any help. This takes the attention away from the harasser and gives the victim some control over the situation.
    • If you don’t feel comfortable intervening or the situation seems risky, you can also approach the victim afterwards and ask them if they need help.
  4. Treat others with respect . Whether you’re interacting with a family member, a significant other, or a stranger, being respectful is an essential part of chivalry. You can show respect by being polite, listening carefully, and valuing others’ opinions. [4]
    • For example, always be respectful to waitstaff at restaurants. When they bring you your food or refill your water glass, remember to say thank you instead of just ignoring the action.
    • If your significant other is telling you about their day, you can show them respect by listening attentively and asking questions to show them that you’re interested.
  5. This small, romantic act of kindness shows them that you’re thinking of them. It also reflects commitment and honor, two important elements of chivalry. [5]
    • For example, simple texts like “Hey, just wanted to tell you good morning” or “Good morning! I’ll be thinking of you today” can really brighten your partner’s day.
    • To be even more chivalrous, try calling once in awhile instead of texting. A phone call is more personal, so it will mean more. [6]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Being Chivalrous on Dates

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  1. Rather than texting, which can come across as impersonal and casual, call a few hours before a date to confirm that the time and place still work for both of you. This shows the other person that you’re engaged and invested in them. [7]
  2. You don’t have to follow the antiquated idea that the man should pay for every single date. Instead, balance the responsibility by agreeing to pay if you suggested the date. This shows respect and fairness in the relationship. [8]
  3. Don’t be afraid to give honest, genuine compliments like “I really like your outfit today” or “You have such a great smile.” Instead of assuming that your partner knows that you appreciate them, actively tell your partner that you appreciate and value them.
    • Another way to connect with your partner and show that you want to be involved in their life is to give open, genuine compliments to their friends. Affirm things like a new haircut, a personal accomplishment, or a job promotion.
    • For example, you could say “Hey, I heard about your promotion at work. Congratulations, you deserve it!” or “Congratulations on running that marathon! That’s amazing!”
  4. Your eye contact plays a crucial role during a date. Keeping your focus on the person you’re with shows them that you’re interested, you respect them, and you’re having a good time. Ogling or continually glancing at other people is rude and hurtful to your date. It also goes against the chivalric ideals of loyalty and kindness.
    • To show your date that you’re focused on them, practice good eye contact and listening skills . As a general rule of thumb, you should hold eye contact for 2/3 of the time.
    • Body language is an important part of listening skills. Lift your eyebrows and smile to engage with your partner as you listen. [9]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

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  1. The practice of the man ordering for the woman used to be considered chivalrous, but in modern culture, it’s considered rude. Show your date respect by not presuming to know what they want. Instead, let them choose what they want and order for themselves. [10]
    • If your date isn’t sure what to get and they ask you to order for them, then it is acceptable for you to help.
    • As a sign of respect, you could also offer to let them order first.
  2. Leave your phone in your pocket and show your date respect and courtesy by focusing on them rather than any calls, texts, or social media browsing. This is a small kindness that can make a big impression on your date. [11]
    • If the call is urgent and you absolutely have to take it, you should give your partner a heads-up so they know you’re expecting it.
    • For example, if you’re waiting to hear about a job opportunity or the health of a family member, you could say something like “Normally I would never take a call during a date, but tonight I’m waiting on an important call about my father’s surgery. If it rings during dinner, would you mind if I stepped outside to take it?”
  3. Just use common sense and courtesy. Think about whether the gesture would make sense and come across as polite before you do it. The point of chivalry in dating is to make your partner feel safe and cared for, not babysat. [12]
    • For example, if someone is twenty feet behind you, you don’t need to hold the door for them and make them rush.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be modern and still chivalrous?
    Erika Kaplan
    Dating Coach
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Modern men and women are very focused on equality—and they should be—but being equal doesn't mean you can't be different. Acting chivalrous can actually help modern men stand out. A lot of women do want a guy who does things like calling instead of texting, or who walks on the outside when you're walking down the street, or who opens doors for them.
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  • Question
    How is it possible for women to notice chivalry? I've noticed that many women date men who'll disrespect them and find that attractive.
    Mackenzie Ford
    Community Answer
    Different women are attracted to different personalities. Keep being chivalrous, polite, and kind to everyone around you, and people will notice.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/22/living/how-to-be-polite-to-women-gq/
      2. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/07/30/can-chivalry-be-brought-back-to-life/chivalry-is-a-virtue-we-should-all-aspire-to
      3. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/opinion/how-to-help-if-someone-is-being-harassed.html
      4. ↑ https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Respectful
      5. ↑ https://jamesmsama.com/2014/11/02/15-acts-of-chivalry-for-the-21st-century/
      6. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      7. ↑ https://jamesmsama.com/2014/11/02/15-acts-of-chivalry-for-the-21st-century/
      8. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/22/living/how-to-be-polite-to-women-gq/
      9. ↑ http://www.heysaturday.co/5-skills-to-master-before-your-next-first-date/
      1. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/22/living/how-to-be-polite-to-women-gq/
      2. ↑ https://jamesmsama.com/2014/11/02/15-acts-of-chivalry-for-the-21st-century/
      3. ↑ http://bigthink.com/ideafeed/how-to-be-chivalrous-now-that-old-chivalry-is-dead
      4. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      5. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.

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