How to Be More Aggressive

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Learning to be aggressive in a way that is assertive without being hostile can help you become a more confident and effective leader, and improve self-esteem. While being assertive is associated with effective leadership and interpersonal skills, being overly aggressive can negatively affect how you are perceived at school, [1] work, [2] home, [3] and in romantic relationships. By incorporating aspects of body language, behavior, speech, and appearance into your interpersonal interactions, you can increase self-confidence, gain self-respect, and improve your relationships with others.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Being Assertive Through Body Language and Behavior

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  1. You want to appear in control, poised, and confident without looking awkward or uncomfortable. [4]
    • Approach someone directly, rather than from the side of behind.
    • Maintain enough distance so you can hear the person but are not in their face. [5]
    • Relax (do not slouch or hunch) your shoulders and spread your feet shoulder-width apart so your body weight is balanced evenly on both legs. [6]
    • Fold or clasp your hands and hold them in front of your stomach, no higher than your diaphragm.
  2. If you are addressing someone who is taller than you, suggest sitting down so you are at the same height. Find a table where you can sit and talk across from one another.
    • Sit with your back straight. Your head should be upright and evenly balanced on your shoulders. Avoid tilting your head to one side or hunching your shoulders.
    • Do not cross your legs. This can communicate that you are distracted or bored. Regularly crossing your legs when sitting may contribute to back pain or formation of spider veins.
    • Clasp or fold your hands on the table. Having your hands in a location where the other person can see them to establish trust and demonstrate your sincerity.
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  3. How you use your hands to communicate can set the tone for the rest of the conversation or interaction.
    • When gesturing to make a point, keep your fingers together and point with an open palm. [7]
    • Avoid pointing or jabbing your finger at someone.
  4. Look the other person in the eye and relax your face.
    • Do not stare at the floor or look off to the side when speaking or listening. These will make you look nervous.
    • Do not clench your jaw or tense the muscles in your face.
    • Maintain direct eye contact, but avoid 'eye-balling' the other person.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Becoming a More Aggressive Communicator

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  1. Express your point of view or needs in a way that is clear and direct. You want to come off as aggressive, not disrespectful. [8]
    • Make sure you have someone's full attention before talking. Talk face-to-face, not to their back.
    • Say their name when addressing them. [9]
    • Be honest with the person you are confronting, but remember to listen to their point of view as well.
  2. Sounding condescending, accusing, or overly aggressive can make a situation escalate.
    • Words such as "always" or "never" tend to exaggerate statements and are good to avoid. [10]
    • Bring the conversation back to yourself. Use "I" instead of "you" statements, such as "I feel..." or "I don't like it when...". Follow these with facts. [11] [12]
  3. Shouting, whispering, or speaking with a shaky force will undermine anything you say. [13]
    • Speak at a level you would use for a normal conversation.
    • Pleading or whining will make you sound desperate or emotionally dishonest.
    • Speak in a clear, steady voice and do not hesitate.
    • If you are preparing to confront someone, practice what you want to say in advance in front of a mirror.
  4. If you feel like someone is trying to take advantage of you or asking you to do something you feel is unreasonable (e.g. borrow money), do not feel guilty telling them "No".
    • Follow these basic principles of saying "No": be brief, clear, firm, and honest. [14]
    • You can justify your response, but be brief and avoid excessive excuses.
    • Do not start every sentence with "I'm sorry". Being overly apologetic will make you look immature or insincere.
    • Reinforce your refusal with assertive body language. Maintain direct eye contact, hold your head up, keep your back straight, and relax your face and shoulders.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Channeling Your Aggression

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  1. Music can have the effect of stimulating emotional or physical arousal.Select a genre of music or songs that have a tempo of 80 to 130 beats per minute. [15]
    • Increase your heart rate by creating a playlist that organizes songs based on tempo, from slow (70-80 beats per minute) to fast (120-130 beats per minute).
    • You can also alternate between fast and slow, loud or soft songs.
    • Avoid music that triggers emotions such as anger or hostility.
  2. Physical exercise can help you develop discipline and self-control. [16] Examples of sports that help reduce tension and positively channel aggression include:
    • Martial arts, especially Tae Kwon Do and Kung Fu. [17]
    • Running or aerobics. [18] [19]
    • Weight-lifting or boxing.
  3. You can use relaxation techniques to prevent your aggression from developing into anger. Examples include:
    • Take slow, deep breathes that come from your gut and not your chest. [20]
    • Repeat a word or phrase in your head such as "Relax" or "Calm down" while breathing deeply.
    • Employ any of these techniques if you feel yourself getting tense or angry.
  4. If the source of your aggression or frustration is another person, you have a right to stand-up for yourself and be treated with respect.
    • Use humor to counter hostile behavior or unfair treatment.
    • Do not overreact. This will only lead to more drama and unnecessary aggression.
    • Deal with controlling or manipulating personalities by following a negative statement with a question or asking them to clarify their position. This will keep you in charge of the conversation.
    • Choose your battles. Ask yourself if the other person's behavior is hurting you or just annoying. Sometimes keeping your distance is the best option. [21]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Are being aggressive and being assertive the same thing?
    Guy Reichard
    Executive Life Coach
    Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.
    Guy Reichard
    Executive Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    People often confuse assertiveness with aggression and they are very different. Assertiveness is being clear, direct, and fair about standing up or speaking up for one’s needs in a non-confrontational, respectful way. Aggression stems from fear and anger of not getting one’s needs met. They feel threatened in some way and act more forcefully, even attacking others, to protect what they feel is threatened or to get what they want.
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  • Question
    What should I do if people feel like I'm being too aggressive when I stand up for myself?
    Guy Reichard
    Executive Life Coach
    Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.
    Guy Reichard
    Executive Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    It is possible to be purely assertive and non-violent and still be perceived as aggressive by another who may feel threatened in some way. In that case, you decide what’s more important – you trying to get your needs met fairly or others liking you. If you choose to stand up for yourself, you can minimize the potential for being perceived as aggressive if you preface your request/assertion with consideration and empathy for the person you’re speaking to.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    Can I be more aggressive by swearing?
    Community Answer
    No, swearing just makes you look immature. I recommend using your words carefully and controlling your emotions. Use the tips in the article.
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      Tips

      • Avoid slouching, standing off balance, tilting your head to one side, constantly pushing your hair away from your face, or covering your mouth with your hand. [22]
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      • When trying to compromise or negotiate with a hostile or passive-aggressive person, set boundaries or consequences, such as reporting them to a superior (e.g. boss or teacher) if they refuse to cooperate or alter their behavior. [23]
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      • When confronting someone, always bring a friend, family member, or colleague for back-up. [24]
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      Warnings

      • All types of physical and verbal aggression directed towards a human or animal are unacceptable and inevitably causes more harm.
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      • Becoming overly aggressive or assertive may lead others to perceive you as selfish or narcissistic, and can negatively affect your reputation.
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      • Do not direct anger or tension inwards or "bottle-up" your aggression. This can lead to increased anxiety.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://people.uncw.edu/hungerforda/Graduate%20Developmental/PDF/farmer.pdf
      2. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2013/oct/17/how-to-manage-aggressive-behaviour-colleagues
      3. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1359178900000124
      4. ↑ https://changingminds.org/techniques/body/assertive_body.htm
      5. ↑ https://study.com/learn/lesson/proxemics-communication-examples.html
      6. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/standing-up-for-yourself
      7. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/hand-gestures/
      8. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2013/oct/17/how-to-manage-aggressive-behaviour-colleagues
      9. ↑ https://study.com/learn/lesson/proxemics-communication-examples.html
      1. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
      2. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2013/oct/17/how-to-manage-aggressive-behaviour-colleagues
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201401/how-spot-and-deal-passive-aggressive-people
      4. ↑ https://www.lifeworkspsychotherapy.com/assertive-communication-101-finding-assertive-voice/
      5. ↑ https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf
      6. ↑ https://thesportjournal.org/article/music-sport-and-exercise-update-research-and-application/
      7. ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110706195908.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.academia.edu/1108351/Being_Aggressive_An_interpretative_phenomenological_analysis_of_kung_fu_practitioners_experience_of_aggression
      9. ↑ https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/11/phys-ed-can-exercise-moderate-anger/?_r=0
      10. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9407751
      11. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201401/how-spot-and-deal-passive-aggressive-people
      13. ↑ https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf
      14. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
      15. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2013/oct/17/how-to-manage-aggressive-behaviour-colleagues
      16. ↑ https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Being aggressive without being hostile can help you be more confident and improve your self-esteem. You can learn to be more aggressive by incorporating assertive body language, behavior, and speech into the way you interact with people. When you’re talking to someone use good posture by keeping your back straight and your shoulders back, and look them directly in the eyes so you seem confident. Try using words and phrases that are direct, but not judgmental. For example, you could say something like “I don’t like it when you do that” to clearly state your feelings assertively. Use a firm and even tone of voice, but don’t shout so you don’t seem unreasonable. Try practicing what you plan to say to someone beforehand so you don’t hesitate when you speak to them. For tips about how to adjust your tone of voice so it’s even but firm, keep reading!

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