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Understanding dominance from the male perspective
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This article was co-authored by Seth Hall
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Seth T. Hall (ICF ACC, CLC, and MNLP) is a Certified Life Coach and Founder of Transformational Solutions, a Los Angeles-based life-coaching company that helps people achieve their toughest goals, find their own voice, and think outside the box. He has been a life coach for over 10 years, specializing in personal development, relationships, career and finance, and wellness. He has helped his clients break the negative cycles in their lives and replace them with a positive, proactive mindset. Seth believes that everyone has the potential to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, and works passionately to help them reach their full potential. With a deep understanding of how our minds work and the power of positive thinking, he encourages his clients to find their unique paths in life and find success on their own terms. He is a certified master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a featured co-author for WikiHow, and co-author of "The Mountain Method”, “The Happy Tiger”, and “The V.I.S.I.O.N.S. Program”.
There are 15 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 2,817 times.
The dominant male seems to be the type that other people either want to be or want to be with. Want to get a piece of that action? Whether you're a guy looking to become more dominant or someone dating (or wanting to date) a dominant man, we've got you covered! Read on to learn everything you need to know about male dominance both inside and outside the bedroom.
Understanding Male Dominance
While many people only think about "dominance" in terms of sexual activities, men can display dominant traits outside the bedroom as well. Dominant men are typically assertive leaders who practice discipline and self-control. This level of control makes them great leaders and also makes them pretty attractive as potential partners.
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
Signs of a Dominant Male Personality
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Dominant men are confident, poised, natural leaders. People are often attracted to signs of dominance because these men seem to always get their way and come out on top. While some traits have roots in toxic masculinity, others are healthy traits associated with assertive leaders. Signs of male dominance include: [1] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Accountability
- Confidence
- Grace under pressure
- Self-discipline and self-control
- Honesty and directness
- Foresight
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Section 2 of 5:
Becoming More Dominant
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1Take responsibility for your own feelings. Use "I" statements to communicate to people that you alone are responsible for the way you feel about something. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source A dominant man recognizes that no one "makes" him feel one way or the other—only he controls his emotions.
- A dominant man also doesn't point fingers at anyone else or blame them for something that happened, regardless of who was actually at fault. He accepts his own responsibility —no more and no less—and encourages everyone else to move forward.
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2Use confident body language. When you have presence, when you can walk into any room as though you own it, people are more likely to respect you and see you as a leader. If you feel as though you're lacking in confidence, this is absolutely one of those "fake it 'til you make it" type of things. Just stand tall , keep your chin up, and take up space. If you act confident , pretty soon you'll find that you actually are! [3] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Dominant men know how to maintain eye contact without staring people down or intimidating them. At the same time, they won't shy away from someone who might be trying to be more aggressive because they know where they stand.
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3Set goals to drive you to learn and grow. Research shows that if you set goals based on mastering tasks, you'll tend to achieve more than if you set goals based on incrementally improving your specific performance. [4] X Research source This is also more dominant behavior because instead of focusing on your past performance, you're always focused forward and in control of the trajectory of your life.
- Skills that you're able to master can potentially cross over into other areas of your life as well, increasing your overall performance.
- Mastering a skill is also a tremendous boost to your confidence and will put you will on your way to being seen as more dominant by others.
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4Take calculated risks to advance. If there's one thing a dominant man is in control of, it's his fear. Because he's confident in who he is and what he wants to accomplish, he's not afraid to take risks that could potentially pay off pretty big for him. By evaluating exactly what he's afraid will happen if he fails, he knows how to prepare for the worst-case scenario and minimize his losses. [5] X Research source
- To an outsider, a dominant man might seem impulsive—especially if he takes a lot of risks. But he's always thought through all the possibilities, even if it doesn't seem like it.
- A great way to take risks and grow as a person is to volunteer for leadership opportunities. Being a dominant person means you take on the challenges others are incapable of tackling.
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5Manage your emotions and stay even-keeled. A big secret to being an assertive, dominant leader is keeping your feelings in check. Controlling your emotions allows you to approach problems calmly and come up with a reasonable solution without upsetting anyone else. [6] X Research source
- Dominant men are typically considered to be pretty cool, calm, and collected no matter what happens. This calm strength under pressure is what makes them great in emergency situations.
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6Get control of your life and finances. Dominant men have a lot of discipline and self-control, and you can see it in the way they run their life. They're on top of their finances, probably have a rock-solid retirement plan, and aren't going to be tempted into an impulsive shopping binge or a wild night out on the town. That kind of discipline is also essential for continuing personal growth and success in general. [7] X Research source
- Make a budget and commit to paying off your debts . A dominant man lives within his means and isn't going to be caught off-guard by an unexpected expense.
- If you drink when you go out, drink in moderation, and always make sure you have primary and backup plans to get home.
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7Organize your time and space. If you want to send the message that you're in control of yourself and your life, there's no better way to do that than by being organized . When you always know where you need to be and where everything is, people tend to believe that you would be a responsible and productive leader.
- Organizing your time and space also shows that you have control over what's going on in your life. For example, having control over your schedule means you won't get stressed out because you forgot about a meeting and have to rush at the last minute.
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Section 3 of 5:
Increasing Sexual Dominance
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1Talk to your partner about your desires. There are a lot of different ways to be sexually dominant and it might be that you're not even entirely sure yet what you're into—and that's fine! The important thing is to have the discussion and make sure the two of you are on the same page about what you want to do. [8] X Research source
- Answer any questions your partner might have honestly and listen to their concerns. Make sure they understand that you don't think any less of them and that you don't want to do anything to harm them.
- Remember that trying to dominate someone in bed without talking about it first isn't dominant—it's abusive.
- As disappointing as it might be to discover that your partner isn't on board with this, a truly dominant man would respect their wishes.
- As a note, being a dominant person doesn’t automatically mean you have to be dominant in the bedroom. In fact, the submissive person in a BDSM relationship is really the one with all the power.
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2Establish boundaries and limits before you play. It might not be the sexiest conversation you ever have, but before you and your partner agree to play with a power dynamic, it's important to know what is and is not okay for you to do with them. The easiest way to do this is to come up with a possible scene, then discuss the different situations that might come up around that scene. [9] X Research source
- Keep in mind that you are not in a dominant role while this discussion is going on—the two of you are meeting as equals.
- Once you've had this discussion, stick to what you've talked about during the scene. Even if you have a great idea, you could put your partner in an uncomfortable position if you decide to do something different while you're in the dominant role.
- It's usually a good idea to have this conversation before every scene, at least until the two of you have been playing together often enough that you feel confident knowing each other's limits.
- Let your partner come up with a safe word if they want one. Unless you're doing very specific kinds of role play, though, simply saying "no" or "stop" will usually work just fine.
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3Give yourself permission to take control of the scene. As the dominant, you are the master of what happens during this particular scene, which means you can direct your partner to move (or not move) however you want. Guide them to enhance pleasure for both of you. Within the parameters you've discussed, you can do whatever you want—have fun! [10] X Research source
- Talk to your partner throughout the scene to make sure they understand what you want them to do and where you want them to be.
- Take any information you get from your partner about their feelings during the scene and use those to guide your decisions on what you'll do next.
- For example, if your partner seems to be getting tired, you might decide to start winding the scene down a little early so they don't get overstimulated.
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4Maintain enthusiastic consent throughout the scene. Being a sexually dominant male is all about exploring power and control with a partner who is excited for you to control and dominate them. If at any time they don't seem like they're into whatever you're doing, it's a good time to check in with them and make sure they're still okay with going forward. [11] X Research source
- If you have any doubts about whether your partner is still on board with the scene, err on the side of caution and call it off. It's always better to do that than to risk causing some sort of trauma.
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5Provide your partner with aftercare following every scene. There are many parts of being dominant that have nothing to do with being kind or caring—but having a healthy relationship with your partner means finding a balance between dominating them and showing that you love them and care for their well-being. [12] X Research source
- Talk to your partner and find out what kind of care after a scene would make them feel most loved and appreciated. For example, they might want you to cuddle them, or they might want you to make them a snack while they take a bath.
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6Discuss what you enjoyed about the scene with your partner. This doesn't have to happen immediately after the scene, but at some point in the next day or so it's a good idea to check in with your partner about the scene. Tell them what you liked and find out what they liked, as well as what they didn't. All of this information can help you fine-tune your performance so that you'll be a better dominant for them next time. [13] X Research source
- Use what you learn to enhance your partner's pleasure as well. For example, if they tell you about a particular position that they enjoyed, you might look for a way to feature it in your next scene.
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Section 4 of 5:
Dating a Dominant Man
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1Establish boundaries early on in the relationship. Dominant men like to take charge and be in control—and this can sometimes lead to an unhealthy dynamic. Draw the line early on in terms of what you will and will not let him control. He'll also respect you a lot more if he understands the respect you have for yourself. [14] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, if he tries to tell you what you should wear on dates and you're not okay with that, you might say, "I appreciate that you want me to look my best, but I prefer to pick out my own outfits. I won't go out with you if you're not okay with that."
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2Speak to him directly and honestly. A dominant man doesn't want you to beat around the bush—he wants you to say what you mean and mean what you say. When you're assertive in your communication, he'll respect you and be less controlling. Being open and honest is also just good practice for a healthy relationship in general and will help ensure that the two of you are on the same page. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- When you need to have a serious talk, wait for a time when he doesn't have anything else going on and isn't likely to be distracted. Sit down with him and say what you need to say, then listen to his response and go from there.
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3Assert yourself when you need to feel heard. Unfortunately, dominant men can sometimes forget that they're not the only one in a relationship. When they get used to taking charge and leading the way, they might neglect to get your opinion on things before they make a decision. If something's impacting your life in a way you don't like, gently remind them that it's affecting you too and you have an opinion that you'd like them to take into consideration. [16] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
- Dominant men are more likely to be sensitive to perceived threats to their power or position. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source It helps to remind him that you're on the same team and you're not competing against him.
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4Allow him to take charge when it makes sense. Relationships tend to require at least a little give and take to work. A dominant man is naturally going to want to be in charge, so if it's something you don't really care about that much? Let him have it! Giving him more areas of control can make it easier for him to give up control when it's something that's important to you. [18] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, if he's always great at planning dates, why not let him plan all the dates? Then you know that both of you will always have a good time and you won't have to stress about making those plans yourself.
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5Let him know that he's safe with you. Dominant men often have difficulty letting go and allowing themselves to feel vulnerable. Because of this, they might feel alone or as though they aren't allowed to be sad or feel unwell. If you're dating a dominant male, encourage him to open up to you and validate his feelings when he shares them with you. [19] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Research shows that men often rely on an intimate partner, particularly a female partner, when they have emotional difficulties. It's important for him to know that you'll keep his confidence and won't betray his trust.
- Often when a dominant man shows some vulnerability, he expects to be shamed or ridiculed for it. If you respond kindly and lovingly, he's more likely to feel safe opening up to you.
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Section 5 of 5:
FAQs About Male Dominance
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1What's the difference between dominance and abuse? The biggest difference between dominance and abuse is that an abusive person won't take your needs or interests into account at all. An abusive person also won't particularly care if you don't like what they're doing or want them to do it. [20] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
- For example, if your dominant partner did something to upset you and you started crying, he would likely immediately stop everything and tend to you. An abusive partner, on the other hand, might be dismissive or get even angrier.
- In the sexual context, a dominant partner never does anything without your full understanding and consent—and he's always respectful of your limits.
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2Can 2 dominant people have a healthy relationship? Yes, of course! While they might butt heads from time to time, as long as they remember that they're on the same team and don't try to compete with each other for dominance in the relationship, they can totally be happy together.
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3What's the difference between a dominant male and an alpha male? These 2 terms are sometimes used interchangeably, but actually, being dominant is just one trait alpha males typically possess. While alpha men are usually dominant, not all dominant men possess the other traits necessary for them to be considered "alpha." [21] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- The idea of "alpha" men isn't based on good science and includes a lot of traits that are actually based in toxic masculinity.
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4Can a man learn how to be more dominant? Absolutely! Becoming more dominant is really about becoming more assertive. Part of being assertive is taking control of your own life and taking responsibility for your actions, which is something dominant men do as a matter of course. [22] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- As you improve your life and learn how to take charge and plan for the future, people will likely start to see you as more dominant and more in control.
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5Do you have to be dominant in real life to be dominant in bed? Nope! If you enjoy sexual dominance but prefer to take more of a backseat in everyday affairs, that's totally cool. In fact, there are a lot of people who find sexual release acting exactly the opposite in bed that they would in everyday life. And D/s isn't even an either/or thing—it's a spectrum, and there are plenty of people who play around with different aspects of the dynamic to find things that work for them.
- If you are dominant in real life, you might consider playing around with being submissive in bed and see if it does anything for you—you never know! Even if it doesn't, you'll gain a lot of empathy from spending some time on the other side of the slash.
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Warnings
- Being dominant is always about leading and guiding others in a caring and compassionate way—it's not about being controlling or abusive. If you see warning signs of abuse , find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. [23] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_myth_of_the_alpha_male
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
- ↑ https://openprairie.sdstate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1686&context=etd
- ↑ https://njaes.rutgers.edu/sshw/workbook/17_take_calculated_risks_and_conquer_your_fears.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202208/5-ways-become-more-assertive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-control
- ↑ https://theface.com/life/bdsm-in-relationships-what-is-it-how-to-sex-relationships
- ↑ https://kynk101.com/kink-bdsm-facts/establishing-boundaries-limits
- ↑ https://beducated.com/mag/bdsm-how-to-be-a-remarkable-dom/
- ↑ https://beducated.com/mag/bdsm-how-to-be-a-remarkable-dom/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201505/why-some-of-us-seek-dominant-partners
- ↑ https://beducated.com/mag/bdsm-how-to-be-a-remarkable-dom/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3383914/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6142169/
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_myth_of_the_alpha_male
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Seth Hall
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Seth T. Hall (ICF ACC, CLC, and MNLP) is a Certified Life Coach and Founder of Transformational Solutions, a Los Angeles-based life-coaching company that helps people achieve their toughest goals, find their own voice, and think outside the box. He has been a life coach for over 10 years, specializing in personal development, relationships, career and finance, and wellness. He has helped his clients break the negative cycles in their lives and replace them with a positive, proactive mindset. Seth believes that everyone has the potential to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, and works passionately to help them reach their full potential. With a deep understanding of how our minds work and the power of positive thinking, he encourages his clients to find their unique paths in life and find success on their own terms. He is a certified master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a featured co-author for WikiHow, and co-author of "The Mountain Method”, “The Happy Tiger”, and “The V.I.S.I.O.N.S. Program”. This article has been viewed 2,817 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: October 4, 2024
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Categories: Assertiveness
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 2,817 times.
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