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Setting your boundaries the guilt-free way
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Saying no can be really tough, especially if you feel like you're a people pleaser. Maybe a friend is asking you for a favor, or a co-worker is asking you to cover their shift for the afternoon. How can you stand your ground politely without feeling guilty—or worse, feeling guilted into something? Don’t worry. We’ve put together plenty of tips and tricks to help you stand your ground in the future and say "no" in a nice way without being rude.
Things You Should Know
- Offer a reasonable excuse when saying no to plans or invitations, like, "Sorry, I'm busy that day," or, "No, thank you. I'm not feeling up to it."
- Stand your ground when someone continues to ask for something. Say, "My answer isn't changing, but thank you for asking."
- Offer an alternative or a compromise, if you feel comfortable doing so. Ask to reschedule a plan, or tell the person what you are willing to do instead.
Steps
Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it rude to say no?Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.It's really important to have a voice and exercising your right to agree or disagree to things isn't rude. You do not have to feel bad about telling people "no," and you're going to be much happier if you can learn to exercise that right.
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QuestionWhat's the best way to say no if I'm not trying to be mean?Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.Just use "I" statements to express how you feel. So, instead of saying, "Stop complaining about doing the dishes," say something like, "I don't feel respected when you keep asking me to do the dishes." This is a good way to keep people from being attacked when you're trying to say no.
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QuestionWhy is it so hard for me to say no?Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.Think about your feelings when you want to say "no," but you don't. What's the underlying fear there? What's the outcome that you're trying to avoid? Once you can confront that underlying fear, you'll have a much easier time speaking up.
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References
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/say-no
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/jonathan-alpert/7-ways-to-say-no-to-someone-and-not-feel-bad-about-it.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#2
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/say-no
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#2
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you have a hard time saying no to people, remember that saying no is okay and you have every right to set boundaries for yourself. If someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or that you don’t have time for, you don’t need to make up an excuse. Instead, clearly and plainly say “no,” followed by a brief, succinct reason. For example, if someone asks you on a date and you aren’t interested, simply say, “No; I’m sorry but I’m not interested in you in that way.” Even though you might not want to hurt the person’s feelings, remember that you are not obligated to them and they should respect that. If someone asks for a favor that you can't take on, try suggesting other ways you can help them. For example, if your friend asks you to help them move into a new apartment when you are busy, offer to help them later with other tasks, like breaking down boxes and organizing their kitchen. For more tips on saying no, like how to stand your ground when someone continues to pester you with a request, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
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