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Expert-backed ways to spot and swerve red flags in your relationship
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Red flags are more than having an Android or liking pineapple on pizza (which we’re on board with, by the way). Some red flags can cause real harm, and spotting them early can get you out of a relationship before wasting more time. We asked relationship and psychology experts to tell you exactly what red flags to look out for as well as when and how to slam the brakes on your red-flag relationship.
Things You Should Know
- One big red flag in a guy is calling all his exes crazy. This behavior shows that he can’t take responsibility for his actions.
- Another red flag is checking in on where you are, who you’re with, or sneaking peeks at your phone, which is an indication that he's controlling.
- If a guy is rude to his friends, families, service workers, or strangers, now is a good time to get out. Even if he’s nice to you now, this behavior shows his true character.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Biggest Red Flags in a Guy
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His political views or lifestyle don’t align with yours. These may not be red flags in the sense that someone is doing something wrong or harmful. However, they show an essential mismatch that might not be easily resolved.
- Opposite political views can show a deep difference in core values and belief systems.
- Opposite lifestyles—let’s say he spends every morning at the gym while you enjoy staying up late watching your favorite romantic comedies—can be incompatible.
- To be clear, you can work on these compatibility issues in a relationship. But it will take open communication and a patient understanding of each other’s perspectives. [1] X Research source
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2He spends money he doesn’t have. Spending responsibly is an important part of adulthood and ensuring future stability. Even if you’re not at the point of a relationship to be sharing finances, be cautious of someone who seems to spend recklessly outside their means. This behavior tells how your finances will be affected when sharing a bank account, buying a house, or raising children.Advertisement
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3He is rude to strangers. Even if your man is nice to you, it’s just as important that he treats everyone else with kindness. When you’re out on a date, does he condescend to service workers or refuse to leave a tip? If this is how he treats strangers and other people in his life, it likely won’t be long until that behavior turns to you. [2] X Research source
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4He’s disrespectful to his family members. If he’s unkind to his parents, siblings, or children and animals in his family, this says a lot about his character. This behavior shows his true colors and his lack of consideration for others. Eventually, he will be equally disrespectful toward you (if he hasn’t already). [3] X Research source
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He talks about others behind their back. If he’s constantly putting people down or telling you bad things about his family and friends, proceed with caution. Does he seem to have a problem with everyone in his life? Does he tell you secrets about people he was probably told in confidence? Chances are, he’s speaking to others about you similarly. [4] X Research source
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6He doesn’t have long-term friends. A lack of long-term friends can show his inability to form deep and enduring relationships. This may stem from communication issues, inability issues, or unhealthy behaviors pushing others away. Regardless, your man having very few close or lifelong friends may be a clue to the longevity of your relationship. [5] X Research source
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7He says all his exes are crazy. In most break-ups, both parties somehow contributed to the relationship’s end. A guy who refers to all (or most) of his ex-partners as “crazy” shows that he can’t own their mistakes or take accountability for their actions. [6] X Research source
- We all probably have some not-so-nice things to say about our exes, but we should also have some perspective on what went wrong in a relationship—and our role in it.
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8He brings up his exes a lot. It’s normal to get an idea of each other’s romantic history. But a man who constantly talks about his ex-partner may not be over them or feel bitter. He may also compare you to his ex, which may also damage your self-esteem. [7] X Research source
- On the flip side, a guy might also ask you about your previous partners and how he compares to them. [8] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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9He leaves you out of plans and conversations. He never brings you around his friends or family or invites you to important events. He might purposely exclude you from in-person conversations or always leave the room when speaking on the phone.
- Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown explains the damage that being left out causes, leaving “a deep impression upon your heart and mind. [Being left out] commonly leads to someone feeling isolated, abandoned, and detached.”
- Dr. Brown continues to describe the results of being left out, like “negative thoughts, desires, and perceptions. It’s normal to feel upset, agitated, and frustrated when you have been left out.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 807 wikiHow readers who've been in a situationship, and only 11% of them said they noticed red flags because their partner hasn’t introduced them to friends and family. [Take Poll] If your partner hasn’t introduced you to their family, talk to them about it. There could be all kinds of reasons it hasn’t happened yet, so don’t automatically assume it’s a red flag before having a conversation.
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He gives you backhanded compliments. If your partner insults or condescends to you but tries to pass it off as a compliment or joke, this is a huge red flag. Not only is he insulting you, but he’s also dismissing your feelings by saying he meant it as a nice thing or he was teasing. [9] X Research source
- Some examples of backhanded compliments are “You look good for your age” or “I didn’t think so when I first saw you, but you’re actually really intelligent.”
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11He never plans dates. A good partner should be excited to plan dates to get to know you better and spend quality time with you. If a man is putting little to no effort into planning dates, it may be a sign that he’s not that invested in the relationship. Dates can be as simple as a picnic in the park or a walk around a new neighborhood, so there’s no excuse to put in no effort or thought. [10] X Research source
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12He’s unreliable. A man being consistently late, not showing up for dates, or disappearing for days at a time is a huge red flag. Things come up, but your significant other should value your time and feelings enough to let you know if he needs some space or needs to raincheck. [11] X Research source
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13He avoids committing to your relationship. Relationship counselor Jason Polk advises asking yourself if your potential partner is “honest? Is he forthcoming? Is he straight up? Do you feel like you're making excuses?...do you feel like a part of him is trying to avoid commitment? And then, if so…that can be…a very important red flag.”
- Common signs of commitment-phobic people include very short past relationships, exclusively making plans at the last minute, refusing to make definite commitments to parties or events, and struggling to say I love you or call someone their boyfriend or girlfriend. [12] X Research source
- Lack of commitment is a common sign in determining if you’re in a situationship .
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14He gets serious too fast. We all know what it feels like to fall hard, but an excessive amount of affection, gifts, or even an “I love you” at the start of a relationship can be a red flag. This behavior, known as love bombing, shouldn’t happen only a few weeks or months into a relationship. [13] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- This person may try to get you to develop feelings quickly so you’ll ignore other red flags or future behaviors.
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He doesn’t take your safety seriously. Your partner should always care about your safety and try to protect and look out for you. Especially in heterosexual relationships, a man should understand if you don’t want to meet up late at night or somewhere unfamiliar when you’re first getting to know each other. Someone arguing with you over or dismissing these concerns is a huge red flag. [14] X Research source
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16He doesn’t compromise with you. A healthy partner should listen to you and show interest in your thoughts and feelings. Even if you don’t want or believe the same things, your partner should be able to compromise with you. Be wary of someone who makes no effort to see your perspective or always has to have things their way. [15] X Research source
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17He never apologizes. An inability to say sorry shows a lack of accountability, consideration of others, and willingness to handle conflict maturely. These qualities are likely to show up again and again when you encounter conflict in your relationship. [16] X Research source
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18He avoids communicating about conflict. He may ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you if he’s not getting his way. [17] X Research source As psychologist Asa Don Brown explains, “it is not unusual for couples to disagree, bicker, or fight, but…conflict should never be avoided, denied, opposed, or subjected to hateful rhetoric.”
- Dr. Brown warns how “avoiding communication about touchy subjects will only cause an individual to feel at odds. While it may be challenging to have varying points of view, it is important to actively listen to the opposing viewpoint. As such, an opposing viewpoint might help stimulate conversations, ideas, and a deeper understanding of your partner.”
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19He doesn’t respect your boundaries. Setting boundaries is a healthy act of self-love and self-respect. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, this is a major red flag. [18] X Research source
- On a first date, violating a boundary may look like telling a guy that you need to head home early, and he tries to convince you to stay.
- This also may look like pushing physical boundaries, like your partner being unwilling to listen when you say you don’t feel like cuddling or need personal space. [19] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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He doesn’t set his own boundaries with you. Boundaries help us feel safe and respected, showing how much we value our feelings. If your partner isn’t setting boundaries for himself, he may have low self-esteem or difficulty understanding his needs. This may make it challenging to have healthy communication and a solid foundation in your relationship. [20] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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21He doesn’t set boundaries with his mom. A man may be “overly concerned with…upsetting [their] mom,” explains relationship counselor Jason Polk. As a result, “a part of him…is going to struggle with 100% commitment to you because he… [has] a Disloyalty Bind with his mom.”
- A Disloyalty Bind usually results from a man having a mom who is overly involved in his life. As a result, he works hard to please his mother and feels like he’s betraying her by engaging in other relationships. [21] X Research source
- This dynamic is most common in heterosexual relationships between male and female romantic partners.
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22He lacks emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is required in a relationship to set boundaries and have healthy attachments to others. Also known as EI, emotional intelligence is a counter to academic intelligence, and it is often learned (or not learned) as we watch adults interact with the world as children. [22] X Research source
- A low EI often revolves around traumatic or negative childhood experiences. While you can work through this with your partner, he needs to be willing to work on himself and possibly see a therapist .
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23He isn’t honest with you. Honesty is one of the main factors in any healthy relationship. Be wary if your partner is acting secretive about their past, trying to hide information from you, or lying about who he is with or where he’s going. While a white lie every once in a while is human, a pattern of lying is a big cause for concern, as you’ll start to doubt how much you can trust them when big problems arise. [23] X Research source
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24He cheats on you. If your partner cheats on you, that’s an obvious red flag and often a deal breaker. Your partner has betrayed you without concern for how their actions made you feel. Even if you work through infidelity issues with a partner, their actions could hint at a pattern of dishonest behavior and disregard for your feelings. [24] X Research source
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He doesn’t celebrate your successes. He should be genuinely happy and excited when you hit major goals and do whatever he can to support you in reaching him. If a man doesn’t celebrate you or support you in your career or other parts of life, it may indicate that he is jealous of you or feels intimidated—which shouldn’t be an issue with a healthy partner who cares about you. [25] X Research source
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26He becomes jealous frequently. He often questions who you are with and where, especially if you’re hanging out with a male friend or coworker. He may also criticize your friends and family so he doesn’t have to share them with you. This may also look like snooping on your phone or complaining about having to spend any time away from you. [26] X Research source
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27He tries to control you. Some common signs of controlling behavior are telling you how to dress and act. He might constantly monitor where you are and who you are with or text you nonstop to see what you’re doing if you're out with friends. A controlling guy may also make fun of your interests and try to convince you that you should share theirs. [27] X Research source
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28He manipulates you. Manipulation is one way that a man may try to control you. He will target your feelings to get what he wants, like making you feel guilty about going out with your friends or asking him to do something nice for you. In extreme cases, he may threaten to harm himself if you leave him. [28] X Research source
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29He has mood swings. Mood swings may look like anger outbursts or sudden irritability. One minute, you may be the apple of his eye, and the next, he’s ripping you apart and calling you names. Not only can mood swings lead to physical aggression, but they also show that he can’t handle his emotions maturely. [29] X Research source
- This behavior may have you feeling constantly anxious or like you’re walking on eggshells around him, waiting for the next time his mood turns on a dime.
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He gaslights you. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where someone makes you question things you said or did. Even when he treats you badly, or anything bad happens, he will blame you for causing that behavior or deny that certain things ever happened. [30] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- You may think you're responsible for his bad behavior, or your version of events is false.
- This is a damaging way that someone will try to manipulate and gain power over you. Remember that someone else's rude, disrespectful, or abusive behavior is never your fault.
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31He frequently drinks or uses drugs. Substance abuse issues are complex, but they can take over people’s lives, especially if they refuse any help to stop drinking. A man who abuses alcohol or other drugs may struggle to manage his emotions or prioritize your needs. [31] X Research source
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32He has anger issues. He may always be finding reasons to be angry at someone or something. He may also have a history of getting into fights, destroying property, or being arrested. A man who is quick to anger might have aggression issues, which can easily turn to physical threats or violence and put your safety at risk. [32] X Research source
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33He’s physically rough with you. Physical abuse can start small, with even minor instances of pushing, shoving, pulling, yanking, squeezing, or restraining another person. A man being too rough with you a little too often is a major red flag that can put you in a dangerous situation later on. If you ever feel physically uncomfortable around your partner, you should take that as a serious sign. [33] X Research source
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34Your loved ones don’t like him. If your friends and family tell you this person isn’t good for you, or you’re constantly having to defend your partner, there’s probably a reason. In a relationship, it can be hard to see the truth of this person’s actions and how they affect us. The people who love you are looking out for your well-being, so listen to them. [34] X Research source
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He shows any behaviors that are harmful or toxic. Red flags can come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s no comprehensive list of every red flag you might experience in a relationship. But, these warning signs are always “behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions that are toxic,” as defined by clinical psychologist Asa Brown.
- Dr. Brown goes on to define red flags as “any behavior that is unwarranted, inappropriate, and incongruous with your perspectives on a relationship…physical manipulation, aggression or coercion; behaviors that are controlling, manipulative and punitive; extreme jealousy and suspicion; an unwillingness to compromise or concede; a lack of empathy; gaslighting; emotional instability; and a lack of healthy and open communication.”
- Red flags typically don’t happen just once; you’ll see a pattern of the same behavior repeating itself. [35] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS .
References
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/red-flag-green-and-yellow-flags
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202205/11-huge-first-date-red-flags
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-futurist/202103/never-date-man-who-doesnt-have-any-real-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202205/11-huge-first-date-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/first-date-red-flags-2018-5#11-they-bring-up-their-ex-a-lot-11
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202205/11-huge-first-date-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/why-do-guys-stop-putting-in-effort/
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/10-signs-your-lover-is-commitment-phobic
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/first-date-red-flags-2018-5
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-relationship-red-flags-what-you-should-know
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202205/11-huge-first-date-red-flags
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/05/the-loyalty-bind-of-the-narcissists-child#1
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2015/07/emotional-attachment-10-red-flag-signs-of-poor-boundaries#1
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/relationship-red-flags/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/red-flags-to-take-immediate-note-of/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/red-flags-to-take-immediate-note-of/
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ http://redflag.mit.edu/images/red_flags_for_abusive_relationship.pdf
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/red-flag-green-and-yellow-flags
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#managing-conflict-with-communication
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries#boundaries-101
- ↑ https://discover.pbcgov.org/coextension/FACS/Family/RedFlagsWhenDating.aspx
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