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Supportive things to do and say when your partner is tense and distant
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It can be hard to watch a man you care about feel stressed, but luckily, there are tons of things you can do to help him calm down. In this article, we’ll teach you simple ways to comfort your boyfriend or husband, whether he’s dealing with stress from work or personal issues. We also spoke with licensed clinical psychologist Donna Novak and dating expert John Keegan for tips on how to make your partner feel cared for during tough times.
Helping a Stressed Out Man: Quick Tips
Give him space to vent his frustrations and avoid pressing him for information. Actively listen to him, validate his emotions, and remind him that you’ll always be there to support him. Do something nice for him, like giving him a massage, exercising with him to burn off steam, or taking him out for a nice meal.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Comforting a Man Who’s Stressed
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Be a good listener and give him your full attention. According to Novak, one of the best ways to comfort your partner is to “really listen to what they’re saying.” [1] X Expert Source Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 8 December 2020. Set aside time to talk about what’s bothering him, and give him your undivided attention when he opens up. Actively listening to your partner can help him feel supported in his struggles and strengthen your relationship. [2] X Research source- Make sure to put down your phone and maintain eye contact when he’s speaking to you.
- Give short verbal affirmations, like “go on” or “I understand,” to let him know you’re really listening.
- If your partner doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, encourage him gently. You could say, “You seem really stressed. Do you want to talk about it? It might make you feel better, and I might be able to help you out.”
- Novak recommends to “repeat what they’re saying to get confirmation on what they’re going through.” [3]
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Expert Source
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 8 December 2020. You might say, “Just to clarify, you’re stressed about the client meeting because your boss didn’t offer you any feedback?”
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Ask him if there’s anything you can do to help. If your partner is struggling with something, Novak says to “ask what you can do to support him.” [4] X Expert Source Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 8 December 2020. Sometimes, he might just need a listening ear or space to decompress on his own. Other times, he may want your advice or input on how to solve a problem. By asking your partner what he needs, you can figure out the best way to support him and help him unwind. [5] X Research source- If your partner doesn’t know what he can do to de-stress, suggest different ideas. You could say, “Do you wanna grab a pizza?” or “We could watch that new episode we haven’t seen yet if you want.”
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Remind him that he’s not alone and you’ll always support him. Studies show that men tend to ignore and suppress their emotions. [6] X Research source This can make them feel even more isolated and overwhelmed when they’re stressed out, so it’s important to share encouraging words and express your love and support. Even if you can’t do anything to help your partner, tell him that you will always be there for him emotionally and help out as much as possible.
- If he’s stressed about something at work, for example, you could say, “Well, just know that I’m here for you whenever you need me. Just say the word.”
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Comfort him with a hug or gentle touch on the shoulder. In addition to supporting him emotionally, you can also try to connect with him through physical touch. Placing your hand on his shoulder or back, squeezing his hand, or giving a warm hug can remind him that you’re on his side. [7] X Research source
- Some men don’t enjoy physical touch when they’re upset, so ask what your partner can tolerate before initiating or using more touch. If he isn’t comfortable, respect that.
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Encourage him to vent his frustrations and validate his feelings. Sometimes, your partner may just need to let it all out. Let him rant about whatever is bothering him, and validate his emotions and experiences. By doing so, you show that you understand his perspective and feel for him and what he’s going through. Usually, this can help a man relieve stress quickly and feel better. [8] X Research source
- According to Keegan, you should “deeply listen to [him] and allow him to express himself fully in front of you,” instead of “making [him] your idea of what he should be.” [9]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 29 June 2021. - You could say something like, “It’s okay to feel angry or upset. Let it all out. I won’t judge you for it” or “I hear you, and it’s totally valid to feel upset. That situation sounds really stressful.”
- According to Keegan, you should “deeply listen to [him] and allow him to express himself fully in front of you,” instead of “making [him] your idea of what he should be.” [9]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
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Ask questions and try to help him broaden his perspective. Your partner may be focused on a single issue or missing the overall picture. Asking him questions can help him think outside of the box and see his situation differently. He may even come up with a solution that he hadn’t considered before or have a change in mindset, helping him reduce his stress and worry. [10] X Research source
- Make sure to ask questions in a gentle way so he doesn’t feel interrogated. For example, you could say, “Why do you think that is?” or “How would you handle this in a different situation?” [11] X Research source
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Gently offer advice or brainstorm solutions together. If you think there’s a solution to a problem that’s stressing your partner out, tell him! Be kind and supportive, and avoid telling him what to do. Instead, discuss all kinds of options, without the expectation that he will choose any of those ideas, and let him decide at the end of the day. Taking this gentle approach shows that you care about him and he may be super grateful. [12] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, “Well, what if you tried this instead?” or “How else could you approach the situation?”
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Give him a massage to ease some of his tension. Research shows that massages may relieve stress and improve your mental health. [13] X Research source So, give your partner a shoulder massage to help him relax and unwind. Ask him where he feels tension, then use your hands to gently work his muscles and loosen him up. It’s one of the quickest ways to help him feel better!
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Cook him something nice or order takeout. Your partner may be so stressed out that he’s forgotten to eat a proper meal, and this can make him feel even worse. Preparing him a tasty meal or snack is one of the best ways to comfort him, so ask what he wants to eat and enjoy it together. This will nourish him, help reduce his stress levels, and make him feel cared for. [14] X Research source
- If your partner is stressed at work or you’re in a long-distance relationship, order food for them via delivery app. “Bringing them a gift…or going out of your way from time to time” is one of the best ways to show your partner that you care about them, according to Keegan. [15]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
- If your partner is stressed at work or you’re in a long-distance relationship, order food for them via delivery app. “Bringing them a gift…or going out of your way from time to time” is one of the best ways to show your partner that you care about them, according to Keegan. [15]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
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Set aside time to put down your phones and decompress together. Studies show that staring at your screen can increase stress levels. [16] X Research source So, schedule some downtime to turn off your electronics, give your brains a break, and reconnect with each other.
- If your partner is dealing with work stress, help him set boundaries to maintain a better work-life balance . For example, the two of you could agree to not check your emails after the end of a work day.
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Exercise together to work out some stress. Whenever you have free time, go for a run or a bike ride together. You could also check out a group fitness or yoga class, or simply go for a walk around your neighborhood at the end of a workday. Exercise can reduce his stress, and spending more time with your partner can help you deepen your connection . [17] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I be supportive to my stressed partner?Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.Really listen to what they're saying—don't just automatically go into problem-solving mode. Then, ask them what you can do to support them.
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References
- ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202304/how-to-emotionally-support-someone
- ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.
- ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-couples-can-help-each-other-de-stress-and-improve-their-relationship#4
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/radical-emotional-acceptance/202301/how-men-can-embrace-their-emotions
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-together/201912/how-help-someone-you-love-calm-down
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202304/how-to-emotionally-support-someone
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conscious-communication/201908/4-ways-help-your-partner-cope-stress
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202304/how-to-emotionally-support-someone
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conscious-communication/201908/4-ways-help-your-partner-cope-stress
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202309/can-getting-a-massage-improve-mental-health
- ↑ https://healthlibrary.vanderbilthealth.com/HomeHealthyHolidays/34,21692-1
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.uchealth.org/today/the-hidden-stress-of-cell-phones/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-couples-can-help-each-other-de-stress-and-improve-their-relationship#1
- ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/11874-stress
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- "I've been with my fella for almost 9 years now and he kinda dumped me last year due to work stresses. He has recently got back in touch and we're working things out. I've shown him that I'm here for him and he's responded well to this show of support." ..." more
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"I've been with my fella for almost 9 years now and he kinda dumped me last year due to work stresses. He has recently got back in touch and we're working things out. I've shown him that I'm here for him and he's responded well to this show of support."
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