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Simple tips you can use to stop hurting and move on from past emotional pain
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Experiencing hurt due to the loss of a friend, a breakup, a betrayal, or any other upsetting circumstance is a normal part of life. However, you don't have to let it consume you. Take control of your emotions and make positive changes in your life to help yourself feel better. Allow yourself to feel your negative emotions, but don't let them define you. Practice gratitude and mindful thinking to adapt a more positive mindset and let go of your pain. In this article, we'll guide you on how to stop feeling hurt with practical tips and advice.
Things You Should Know
- Cope with feeling hurt by accepting your feelings and finding a healthy way to express your negative emotions, like journaling.
- Recite a positive mantra to help you reframe negative thoughts and surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and content.
- Get closure on the situation if possible, and treat yourself with compassion. Give yourself permission to forgive people who hurt you.
Steps
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Acknowledge and accept whatever hurt your feelings. Define your pain and label it for what it is. A major disappointment or unexpected hurt can be hard to accept, but acknowledging exactly what you feel can help you heal. Ask yourself to name each emotion and identify why you feel that way, whether you feel anger, sadness, grief, or disappointment. [1] X Research source
- Take a few moments to breathe deeply and think about your feelings without judging or analyzing them. What feelings are there?
- For example, you might think, “I’m feeling sad, angry, and anxious because of my fight with Shirley.”
- Identifying and naming your feelings can help you separate them from who you are as a person. It’s okay to feel however you feel; negative emotions don’t make you a bad person!
- Don’t try to push your emotions down or ignore them. Ultimately, that’ll just make them harder to deal with.
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Let yourself feel any negative emotions you might have. When you experience a major hurt, you need time to feel sad, frustrated, confused, or even angry. [2] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source Remind yourself that it’s normal to experience those negative feelings after a loss or betrayal—so don’t try to force yourself to get over it before you’re ready. Instead, find healthy ways to express those negative feelings.
- For example, try writing in a journal. Unpack your feelings there and write about what you’re feeling, even if you think the emotions are dark or ugly. Seeing your emotions on the page may help you process them!
- You could also try a writing exercise. Write down absolutely anything that comes to you, no matter how angry or irrational it might seem. Then. when you’re done, rip up the paper.
Tip: Grief is unpredictable, and it affects everybody in different ways. For example, some people may cry a lot, while others may feel numb or get angry. Don't put pressure on yourself to react to hurt or loss in a particular way just because you think it is what's expected of you.
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Find the source of your hurt feelings. Whatever situation is currently upsetting you might not be the only source of your hurt feelings. You might be reacting to negative emotions that have built up inside you for days, weeks, or even longer. So, ask yourself what experiences might be causing your pain. Has anyone else made you feel this way? Is it possible you’re holding onto anger over a different situation, too? [3] X Research source
- Say a friend stands you up for lunch. It’s perfectly valid to feel hurt over something like that—but consider whether there are other factors in play, too.
- For example, say a friend betrayed you years earlier, or you have a family member who always stands you uo, too.
- If you didn’t deal with your emotions towards those issues, they might add to the anger you feel over the current problem. That’s why it’s important to find the root of your hurt feelings!
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Put distance between yourself and the hurtful person. If your hurt feelings are overwhelming, it might help to steer clear of anything (or anyone) that might remind you of the problem. Take time to clear your head, calm down, and get in a better headspace before going back to confront whoever hurt your feelings (or even spending time around them). [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- This might mean putting physical distance between yourself and another person, or it might just mean putting psychological distance between yourself and a problem by not thinking about it for a little while.
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Practice mindfulness to gain control of your emotions. When you feel hurt, you might be tempted to turn your thoughts into actions—taking revenge or hurting the person who hurt you. However, it’s important to control those emotions (instead of letting them control you). So, try practicing mindfulness by living in the moment and being more aware of where you are and what you’re doing. [5] X Research source
- Try doing some simple relaxation exercises when you feel tense or upset. For example, you might try some breathing exercises , yoga , or a little meditation .
- Put a plan in place if you’re worried about acting on your intrusive thoughts. For example, you might call a friend who can listen and be there for you when your hurt feelings make you want to do something rash.
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Try a behavioral therapy technique called “balanced thinking.” Balanced thinking helps you challenge extreme thoughts and figure out when you’re being unrealistic. Start by writing out your feelings about the situation. Then, follow up by considering the evidence behind that feeling. Is there any? Is there information you might be missing? From there, see if you can come up with a more balanced, realistic thought. [6] X Research source
- For example, your genuine feeling might be, “They’re trying to ruin my life.” However, thinking it through might reveal that you don’t have evidence for that beyond a single argument—so a more realistic thought might be, “We both got upset and said things we didn’t mean.”
- You could also try shifting your perspective by pretending to look at the situation as someone else. What would your mom, favorite celebrity, or future self say about the problem?
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Focus on yourself instead of the thing that hurt you. Whenever you start thinking about the situation that caused your hurt, remind yourself that you’re no longer obligated to feel sad about it. The situation isn’t a part of who you are—it’s just something that happened to you. Refocus yourself and your present situation instead of dwelling on what happened . [7] X Research source
- One way to avoid dwelling on the past is to learn from what happened and come up with a plan to prevent it from happening again.
- Brainstorm different ways to improve your current situation, or write down a list of lessons you learned from going through it. When you take action after something negative, you empower yourself to move forward!
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Get closure on the situation if you can. By getting closure , you can bring the situation to a natural close, giving you the sense of resolution you need to start moving on. Figure out what you need to get closure over the situation that hurt your feelings, then make a plan to go and do it. Think of it like a ritual; once you perform the ritual, your pain might lessen in time. [8] X Research source
- For example, if you feel hurt by someone's actions, you might get closure by confronting the wrongdoer. Try not to blame them for what happened; instead, express how you feel and explain how you want to move forward.
- Say something like, “I was really hurt by what you did. I need space to decide if I want to continue the relationship or not. I will contact you if I decide to.”
- Another possible strategy might be as simple as giving back the property of the person who hurt you (like an ex-partner or spouse) and saying a final goodbye.
- However, you might have to accept that the person who hurt you isn’t going to apologize. If they do, that’s great! If they won’t, however, the best thing to do is accept the situation and keep moving forward without an apology.
- Even after a hurtful or disappointing situation, being honest with another person can only strengthen your relationship with them (if it’s a relationship worth having).
- Reader Poll: We asked 219 wikiHow readers about what positive outcome of disappointment would make them feel better, and 47% of them agreed on strengthening a relationship through honest communication . [Take Poll]
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Appreciate the good things in your life. Practicing gratitude can make you feel better about yourself and your life! So, remind yourself that no matter what happened, you’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you; despite how you might feel, there’s still good in your life. Practice thinking of anything you’re grateful for when you’re feeling hurt—from loved ones to your favorite song or stuffed animal. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Try starting a gratitude journal that focuses on the positive things going on in your life currently. Over time, you might find that you have even more to be happy about than you thought!
- Take time to appreciate even small things. For instance, maybe you had a particularly delicious cup of tea or saw a movie that you really enjoyed.
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Replace your negative thoughts with a positive mantra. Filling your head with negative self-talk can bring your whole life down. If you find yourself thinking negatively, catch yourself and try to change the negative thought into a more positive or realistic statement. Rehearse a positive mantra to recite when you start feeling bad, and use it to reframe those intrusive, negative thoughts. [10] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- For example, if you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like, “I’m alone and totally helpless right now,” try reciting a positive mantra like, “I’m strong and capable of finding a new way forward in life that is healthy for me.”
- Similarly, challenge a negative thought like, “I will never know good wholesome people who aren't trying to manipulate me,” by thinking of any person you know who has shown kindness and trustworthiness.
- Once you identify at least one person who fits this positive category, you have attacked and invalidated the negative claim.
Did you know? When you're used to thinking negatively, it can be hard to make the transition to positive thinking. You can make the transition more easily by first replacing negative thoughts with more neutral and realistic ones. [11] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
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Show yourself kindness and compassion. Sometimes, your initial response to a painful situation might be to think badly about yourself. Instead of criticizing yourself for what you think you should have done or your perceived shortcomings, try showing yourself compassion. Ask yourself, “How would my friends treat me right now?” and be a comforting, kind friend to yourself when you’re feeling low. [12] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- You can’t control when bad things might happen in life that make you feel hurt, but you can choose to make each situation a little easier by giving yourself compassion and love. You deserve it!
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Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. People like family, friends, or even a special someone can help renew your faith in humanity after being hurt. Stick close and spend time around them when you’re feeling hurt; let their presence inspire you to recover and eventually move on from that hurt feeling. [13] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you don't have any close friends, try taking a class or joining a club for people who share your interests. Both are great ways to meet new people and connect through activities that bring you joy.
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Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings. When you own up to your part in the current situation, you’re actually empowering yourself, giving yourself the chance to grow from the experience. This doesn’t mean you have to take all the blame or feel ashamed of what happened. Instead, take an honest look at any mistakes you made or any lessons you may be able to take from the experience. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- You may find it freeing to know what you can change going forward to avoid the problem again.
- This can help you take back your power and ensure that other people (or circumstances) won’t have power over you.
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Discuss your feelings (and the situation) with someone you trust. Sometimes, being able to talk about something that hurt you can lessen the pain. Give yourself the time and freedom to cry, laugh, and tell any stories you need to share. You may find things that seem like a huge problem suddenly aren't as bad when you share your experiences with trusted confidantes and friends. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Feeling sad or in pain isn’t something you should hide from people you trust. It's hard for them to help you if they don’t know you need support.
- Try speaking up and telling them more about what’s going on. Say something like, "I’ve been meaning to tell you about what I have been going through. You may not know it, but you have been a great source of support for me..."
- Ask for support by saying something like, "I could really use a hug right now."
- You can also attend a support group for people who have been through similar experiences and share your story with them.
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Take good care of yourself. It's hard to start feeling better emotionally if you're not caring for yourself physically. Even if you don't feel like doing anything, remind yourself to eat, sleep on a regular schedule, and get a little exercise. Make a commitment to start feeling better by practicing self-care every day and engaging in activities that will reduce stress (like reading or playing fetch with your dog). [16] X Trustworthy Source National Institute of Mental Health Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness. Go to source
- Aim to eat a healthy, balanced diet, perform at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day, and sleep at least 7-9 hours each night.
Tip: In addition to caring for your physical and emotional health, practicing self-care can also mean keeping up with practical matters. Try to take a little time each day to deal with things that you need to get done, like doing homework, paying bills, or getting groceries.
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Give yourself permission to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiveness isn’t something you give to other people; rather, it’s an act that can facilitate your own healing and ultimately make you feel better, whether or not the other person deserves it. That’s because forgiveness helps you let go of any anger, shame, sadness, or guilt you’re clinging to and focus on moving on. [17] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Holding a grudge isn’t productive or healthy for anyone. It can eventually make you feel depressed or unable to focus on things that actually make you happy.
- Make the choice to forgive someone who hurt your feelings, but remember that forgiveness is a process. It could take time—and the more you work at it, the less painful your past hurts will feel.
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Set personal boundaries to prevent similar problems in the future. If you've been hurt in a relationship, establishing clear boundaries take steps to ensure it won’t happen again. Come up with a list of basic needs and non-negotiables for your relationships to have on hand in the days to come. Be prepared to assert yourself and let others know what you expect from a friendship or relationship! [18] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- This list can serve as a guide for the sort of interactions you want to have with others. If you feel like your boundaries aren’t being respected, you can address issues before they turn into new hurts.
- Include guidelines such as not being in relationships with people who make you compromise your values or not putting too much effort into a one-sided relationship.
- Communicate your boundaries clearly with others and let them know what the consequences will be if they don't respect those boundaries.
- For example, “I love you, Mom, but I won't be able to visit for the holidays if you keep making comments about my weight.”
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Talk to a counselor or therapist if you’re still struggling to let go. Sometimes letting go of a painful experience feels too hard to do on your own—and that’s okay. You might just need a little outside help, so consider finding a counselor or a therapist who can talk you through your hurt feelings and help you develop tools for processing (and ultimately moving on from) those feelings. [19] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I stop caring about people who don't care for me?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Stop trying to gain approval from outside yourself. Once you are comfortable in yourself and know your boundaries and values, then it becomes easier to live according to them. Sometimes that may include dropping people who do not care for you.
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Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- What hurts today might not feel so important or relevant tomorrow. Keep on believing that the best day of your life is yet to come!
- Remember that the situation that caused the hurt may only be temporary. Don't let it ruin your view of who you are!
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-sexual-trauma/202107/how-cope-hurt-feelings
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/dealing-with-grief-and-loss/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-sexual-trauma/202107/how-cope-hurt-feelings
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201502/5-ways-get-your-unwanted-emotions-under-control
- ↑ https://stand.ucla.edu/tips/balanced-thinking
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201306/the-seven-hidden-dangers-brooding-and-ruminating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200312/how-fix-your-hurt-feelings-1
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/4-ways-to-boost-your-self-compassion
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/building-better-mental-health.htm
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/building-better-mental-health.htm
- ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/building-better-mental-health.htm
About This Article
Article Summary
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To stop feeling hurt, the first thing you should do is acknowledge what hurt you and try to accept that it happened so you can grieve in a healthy way. Then, after you've given yourself time to feel hurt, try to move on by focusing on the good parts of your life, like your friends and family. You can also start feeling better by doing the things you love, whether it's reading, spending time in nature, or learning something new. For more tips from our Counselor co-author, like how to be positive when you're feeling down, read on!
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- "I have always been someone to be there for everyone, even to the extent where I forget about myself to please them. Expecting them to be there for me when I need it fails. But this has helped me to not give up and love myself more, and not be afraid to stand my ground and say no. Not "I don't think so" or "I will see what I can do," a simple no. Thanks." ..." more
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"I have always been someone to be there for everyone, even to the extent where I forget about myself to please them. Expecting them to be there for me when I need it fails. But this has helped me to not give up and love myself more, and not be afraid to stand my ground and say no. Not "I don't think so" or "I will see what I can do," a simple no. Thanks."
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"I liked the bit about giving myself closure, and the bit about accepting that I have feelings but not judging them. I can accept that hurtful things that happened at me wrecked stuff, but I feel invalidated if I try to "not dwell on it, and be greatful.""
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"This article helped me to realize that emotions need to be controlled, or they can end up controlling you! One needs to keep a check on one's emotions, otherwise it's easy to slip on a downward spiral and into a bottomless pit of depression. Thanks!"
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"This article helped me realize that I have to care for myself more instead of running around helping everyone else. They say hurtful things and expect me to forget what they've said, not realizing how much it hurts."
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"It was great advice. To forgive and make space for more positivity in your heart. And it does not mean that what they did is right."
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