How to Forgive Yourself

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Learn to let go of the guilt after hurting someone
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When you hurt someone that you love, it’s important to express remorse to them and seek their forgiveness in hopes of moving on. However, in order to move on completely, you also have to forgive yourself, which can be a little harder. We’re here to help you get started on the path to self-forgiveness so you can let go of your guilt and keep living your life, with help from holistic life coach Wes Pinkston.

How to Forgive Yourself and Move On

  • Take accountability for what you did.
  • Ask the person you hurt for forgiveness and try to repair any damage you caused.
  • Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes: you’re not alone.
  • Try to turn what you did into a lesson so that you don’t do it again.
  • Focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past.
1

Take responsibility for your actions.

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    While it might feel painful now, it will help you move on faster and forgive yourself quicker. If there’s anyone in your life that you trust, you could even open up to them about what happened.
    • It can be as simple as saying “Yes, I did that,” or, “I take responsibility for what I did.”
    • It’s important to not make excuses, either. Even if you think you had a good reason, it doesn’t negate the fact that you hurt someone.
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2

Ask the person you hurt for forgiveness.

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    Reach out to them and ask if you can meet up to talk. Sincerely apologize, admit that what you did was wrong, and acknowledge that you hurt their feelings.
    • Apologize and ask for forgiveness in-person if possible. See if there is a way to talk with them one-on-one rather than in public. If seeing them face to face isn't possible, then a phone call is the next best thing.
    • For example, let's say that you ignored your best friend who was going through a really hard time with her family because you wanted to spend the weekend with your new boyfriend. When you talk with her, say, "I'm sorry for not being there for you. I realize now that ignoring your calls and not telling you what I was doing was wrong."
3

Do what you can to repair the damage.

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    If you’ve asked the person for forgiveness and they aren’t ready yet, try making it up to them in other ways. If you aren’t sure how, just ask them if there’s anything you can do that will make them feel better. [1]
    • For instance, if you forgot to pick your little brother up from school, you could promise to pick him up every day and take him to the park for a week.
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4

Learn from your mistakes.

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    “View your mistakes as learning lessons, not failures,” Pinkston says. [2] What led you to make the mistake that you made? Were you doing it out of fear or anger? If you can catch yourself before you hurt someone else, maybe it wasn’t all for nothing. [3]
    • For instance, maybe you said something insulting to your partner during an argument. If you reacted out of anger, take that as a sign to slow down and calm your emotions before reacting next time.
    • Or, maybe you blew someone off when they asked to hang out because you were afraid of making a close connection with someone new.
    • But Pinkston advises not to dwell too long here: “Don’t forget to get back into the present after considering past events. Once you have learned from them, let them go.” [4]
5

Turn guilt into gratitude.

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    This may sound strange, but reframing the way you look at mistakes or guilt can help you forgive yourself and grow. Remind yourself that every mistake is an opportunity to learn, and to be grateful for that tool as a way of growing. Tell yourself, "I am thankful for the opportunity to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, and to become a better person."
    • “Removing self-judgment can go a long way from shifting a regret into a learning lesson,” Pinkston says. “While nothing from the past changed, you have shifted the framework in which you view the past event.” [5]
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6

Ask yourself why you behaved the way that you did.

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    Were you upset with the person or with yourself? Were your needs being met, or not being met, by the person you hurt? Exploring your behavior will help you to move forward. [6]
    • Consider writing about your motives as a way to open yourself up to your emotions and behavior.
    • For example, let’s say you lied to your significant other. You felt like you wanted to protect them, but instead hurt them worse. Do you have difficulty talking with your partner? Are you afraid to open up to them fully because you think they’ll leave?
7

Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes.

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    [7] Remember that no one is perfect. Sometimes we hurt others by accident, and we have to find a way to move on. Rather than repressing or ignoring what you feel, see acceptance as a form of catharsis. [8]
    • For example, let's say that you had a really busy day at work, and forgot that you had plans to meet with your sister after work. When you realize what's happened, call your sister and take ownership of your mistake.
    • When you have negative thoughts about yourself and who you hurt, tell yourself, “I accept my mistakes. I have learned from them.”
    • Forgiving yourself may also make it easier to have compassion for others: “True kindness starts with you being kind to yourself,” Pinkston notes. “If you start from that point, you’ll soon notice you have countless moments throughout the day where you are being overly hard on yourself…. By…bringing our awareness to [this]...we begin to have more compassion and kindness to ourselves, and eventually those around us.” [9]
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8

Treat yourself like you’d treat a friend.

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    If your friend told you they had done what you’ve done and don’t know how to move forward, would you tell them they could never overcome the past, never forgive themselves, or never be a good person? Probably not.
    • You’d probably tell them everyone makes mistakes, and that since they’re really sorry, all they need to do is accept responsibility, move on, and try not to repeat the past.
    • When you begin to criticize yourself, ask yourself if you would say those things to your friend in the same situation. Would you ever tell your friend they were a terrible person because they made a mistake?
9

Challenge your negative thoughts.

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    If you find yourself thinking things like “I’m a terrible person” or “I’m not good enough,” ask yourself if there’s any proof of that. When you catch your negative thoughts and push back on them, you can work toward treating yourself with kindness. [10]
    • Your negative thoughts are not necessarily the truth. Just because you think "I'm a terrible friend," doesn't make it true. Try making a list of all the ways that you have been a good friend in the past.
    • Soften your criticism. It is good to be self-critical sometimes, but not to the point where you can't move forward and forgive yourself, or if it is ruining your self-esteem. When you think "I'm a terrible friend," stop and restate it in a softer (and more truthful) way. "I hurt my friend's feelings, but it was unintentional and I have apologized. I'm a human and I make mistakes."
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10

Focus on the future instead of the past.

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    While you can’t change what’s already happened, you can look forward to the future. Try to hone in on your next steps instead of replaying your mistake over and over again in your mind. [11]
    • Remind yourself that just because you messed up this time doesn’t mean you have to mess up again in the same way.
    • “Every day is a brand-new day,” Pinkston says, “and you can choose how to respond to each situation. If you are being mindful and doing your best, you can rest with a clear conscience at the end of the day.” [12]
11

Write about your feelings.

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    Letting out your feelings of guilt, remorse, and self-hate may help you to ultimately let go. Set aside 5 to 10 minutes per day to get it all out and work through your feelings one by one. You don't need to worry about spelling, grammar, or even making sense when you journal —just think of it as a way to work out what you're feeling, which may be messy. [13]
    • Journal about the incident and who you hurt. Think about any other similar incidents that have happened recently and their consequences.
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12

Strengthen your relationships with others.

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    While you can’t change the past, you can control your own actions for the future. Prioritize the present and show your love to others. [14]
    • Communicate that you care about those most important in your life.
    • Make them feel special by complimenting them and telling them what you think they are doing well.
    • Spend more time with those you value in your life. Talk with them about what you’re feeling. Get their advice about how to move forward.
13

Talk to someone you trust.

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    They can be a good listening ear as you work through your emotions surrounding forgiveness. You never know—they might even have some solid advice to give you, too. [15]
    • Try to only chat with people you trust 100%. It’s no fun to be the center of gossip, which could happen if you spill the beans to someone who isn’t trustworthy.
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14

Volunteer to give back to the community.

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    If you feel like you can’t make amends with the person you’ve hurt but you’re still emotionally hurting, then give back to others as a way to make amends. Give your time, money, or resources to communities in need and those who could benefit from your support. Even if you can’t fix the hurt between you and the person, you can make a difference in someone else’s life. Consider ways to volunteer and give back to: [16]
    • Local non-profits
    • Neighbors or people in need within your neighborhood
    • Faith-based groups such as your local church or place of worship
    • Co-workers or classmates who are having a difficult time
15

Talk to a mental health professional.

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    If you continue to feel depressed, upset, or guilt-ridden for weeks or longer, then consider talking with a professional who can help you cope with your feelings and provide pathways for self-forgiveness. Therapists and counselors can help you work through your emotions in a healthy way. [17]
    • Find if your health insurance provider has a list of therapists that are in-network. You may be able to get some affordable options through your health insurance.
    • Seek out local therapists or counseling centers in your community. Ask about sliding scale or low-cost options.
    • Consider joining a support group. There are many kinds of support groups depending on what you’re facing—depression, grief and loss, divorce, and many others. This can help you feel less alone in your feelings of guilt.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What should I do if I hurt someone's feelings?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Professional Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Professional Therapist
    Expert Answer
    First, you should apologize to them and ask them to forgive you. If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, try journaling about how you're feeling so you can try and understand it better.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/27/fashion/how-to-forgive-in-four-steps.html
      2. ↑ Wes Pinkston. Certified Holistic Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201710/when-forgiving-yourself-is-the-hardest-kind-forgiveness
      4. ↑ Wes Pinkston. Certified Holistic Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      5. ↑ Wes Pinkston. Certified Holistic Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      6. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
      7. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/focus-forgiveness/201410/how-forgive-yourself-and-move-the-past
      9. ↑ Wes Pinkston. Certified Holistic Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      1. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-challenge-negative-thoughts
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201410/how-forgive-yourself-and-move-the-past
      3. ↑ Wes Pinkston. Certified Holistic Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      4. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201410/how-forgive-yourself-and-move-the-past
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201710/when-forgiving-yourself-is-the-hardest-kind-forgiveness
      8. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

      About This Article

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      It can be difficult to cope after you’ve hurt someone, but if you apologize and find ways to heal, it will be easier to forgive yourself. If you haven’t yet, take responsibility for your actions. While you can apologize over text, it’s best to make amends in person. Tell them what you’re sorry for and how you plan to improve in the future so they know you mean what you’ve said. You might also ask them what you can do to make it up to them. For example, if you missed a date, ask if you can treat them to dinner another day. Remember that nobody’s perfect, and making a mistake doesn’t make you a terrible person. To learn how to volunteer to help yourself feel better, read on!

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