Download Article
Download Article
It's easy to feel hurt when someone ignores you, but one important thing to remember is that there is usually a bigger picture you aren't seeing. If you're being ignored and feel hurt, try talking to the person and figuring out what's wrong.
Things You Should Know
- Invite the person to talk privately if you think they're upset with you. Ask them what's wrong and apologize , if necessary.
- Let it go if you don't know the person well. They may be going through something in their personal life or they're just a rude person.
- Seek out more fulfilling relationships if friends ignore you often or treat you poorly. You deserve to be surrounded by positive people who lift you up.
Steps
-
1Avoid jumping to conclusions. Feeling ignored is frustrating, and it’s easy to assume the worst. Don’t assume that the other person is being malicious or intentionally giving you the cold shoulder, however. Consider alternative reasons why they might be ignoring you. For instance:
- They're distracted by something else, like problems at home or work.
- You upset them without realizing it, and they feel hurt.
- They just don't "click" with you, so they prefer to spend time with other people.
- They're keeping a secret (like a surprise party) from you, and they're worried they'll spill it if they talk to you.
- They feel nervous around you for some reason (like having a crush on you or being intimidated by you).
- They just aren't very social, and they treat everyone this way.
- Reader Poll: We asked 837 wikiHow readers, and 58% of them agreed that the most likely reason someone might distance themself after a fight is because they need time to cool off . [Take Poll]
-
2Reflect on your recent actions. This can be a challenge. People often don't want to admit they did something wrong, or even notice that they've done something to offend someone. Take some deep breaths and evaluate your recent interactions with them. Was there any tension? Could their feelings have been hurt?
- Plan for an apology if you realize you've done something wrong. Even if this person didn't behave perfectly either, it is always better to take the high road.
- Practice different meditating techniques if it is hard for you to reflect.
- If you’re having trouble viewing the situation objectively, try asking someone else who knows what’s going on and can give you an outside perspective.
Advertisement -
3Invite them to talk privately. Sometimes the best way to get to the root of the issue is to sit down with the other person and clear the air. Send them an email or a letter asking if you can get together to chat in private at a particular time and place.
- Pick a quiet time to talk, when both of you are free and not distracted.
- Meeting in private will allow you to work out any problems between you (if there are any) without the embarrassment of a public confrontation.
- If you're especially nervous or think it might not go well, you can ask a 3rd party (like a mutual friend, counselor, or authority figure) to hep mediate.
-
4Be nice . If they see you making an effort, they may speak to you again. Acting rudely towards them will only create a larger, convoluted feud.
-
5Explain your feelings. Make "I" statements to say how you feel. Non-judgmentally explain the pattern, and say how it makes you feel. Here are some examples:
- "Lately, when the three of us hang out, you're mostly talking with Serena while I listen. I feel left out."
- "Mom, I've seen you play video games with my brothers a lot. I'm glad you have good relationships with them, but sometimes I feel left out. I wish we spent more time together."
- "Honey, lately I've noticed that after work, you go out with friends, and don't come back until late. I miss you, and I want to spend more time with you."
- "Are you upset with me? I noticed that you haven't been answering my calls and texts for the last 2 weeks."
-
6Hear them out. It's possible that they didn't realize that they were making you feel ignored, or that they're dealing with a problem you weren't aware of. Be willing to accept a reasonable explanation.
-
7Be willing to collaborate on a solution if it's realistic. Talk about ways that both of you can adjust so that the relationship improves. Getting things out in the open, and making an agreement, can help both of you figure out how to move forward.
- "If I read the same book series as you, would that give the three of us something in common to talk about? Because I would be willing to do that. It does sound like a cool series."
- "So, what I'm hearing is that you play more with my brothers because they invite you to play games, and if I want to spend time with you, I should ask, and you will. Is that right?"
- "I didn't realize that I was overwhelming you. Maybe we could set aside two date nights a week for just us, and I'll go out with friends more often too, so that I don't feel lonely as often?"
- "I can't change my sexuality. If you aren't okay with me being gay, that's your problem, and you don't have to spend time with me anymore."
-
8Know when to let it go. If they are unwilling to talk about it, if it's a bad time, or if it devolves into screaming or accusations, it might be time to walk away . You can revisit the topic during a better time, or re-evaluate whether the relationship is worth maintaining.
- "You seem pretty distracted right now. Would it be better to talk about this later today?"
- "I would like to have a closer relationship with you. But if that's not a priority for you, then we don't have to have this conversation."
- "I don't want to fight with you. Maybe we should take a break for now."
- "If you're going to call me names, then I'm going to leave."
- "Let's talk about this later, when we're both calmer."
Advertisement
-
1Don't take it personally. Most people come across someone who ignores them at some point in their lives. Take the power out of their rudeness by not showing that it's affecting you. [1] X Research source Make it their problem, not yours.
- Recognize and accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you. Even the nicest and most popular person in the world is bound to meet people who dislike them from time to time.
- Sometimes, the person might be going through something that doesn't have anything to do with you at all. They might just not be ready to talk about it. [2]
X
Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
-
2Focus on the road, not the wall. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but if you spend time working on your personal goals, this person's opinions and actions towards you won't matter. [3] X Research source Think of them as a metaphorical wall that isn't necessarily in your way, but it's there.
-
3Ignore them back. If the person doesn't want to associate with you for any number of reasons, then don't associate with them. By ignoring them, you might cause them to take notice of your actions. This is also a good way of keeping your cool. Even if it is tearing you up inside, this can be an effective solution over time.
- This doesn't mean snubbing them or being rude to them if they approach you. It's important to keep good manners, even if they aren't treating you the same way. Stay cordial.
-
4Give them space and time. Some people simply need space from their friends. It might not seem justified, but a lot of people will ignore you if they feel like it. It can be the most painful and frustrating seat to be in, but just give it time.
- Let the person know it's okay if they need some time. Say something like, "I've tried reaching out a few times and I haven't heard back from you. I just want you to know I'm here for you and I hope we can talk whenever you're ready." [4]
X
Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- Let the person know it's okay if they need some time. Say something like, "I've tried reaching out a few times and I haven't heard back from you. I just want you to know I'm here for you and I hope we can talk whenever you're ready." [4]
X
Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
-
5Don't force change. You can't always change someone's mood to being polite if they want to be rude. [5] X Research source Sometimes it's the best option to let them figure out what they need to figure out on their own.
Advertisement
-
1Set healthy boundaries with others. Setting boundaries is tough if you’re not used to doing it, but ultimately your relationships and mental health will really benefit from it. Be genuine with the people around you and let them know what you need from them and what your limits are, and you will find that it is much easier to get your needs met. [6] X Research source
- Explain your boundaries clearly, and let others know what the consequences will be if those boundaries are violated.
- For example, if your significant other ignores you and plays on their phone whenever you go to lunch together, say something like, “I feel really ignored and unappreciated when you’re on your phone so much. If you don’t feel like spending quality time together, let me know, and I’ll make other plans for lunch.”
- If others in your life aren’t used to you setting boundaries with them, they might react with disappointment, surprise, or even anger at first. However, if they care about you, they should ultimately respect your boundaries.
-
2Make a set of lists. Spend time developing 3 lists: your strengths , your achievements, and things you admire about yourself. [7] X Research source You might want to get a trusted family member to help you with this. Keep these lists in a safe place, and read them when you're feeling down.
- You can also collect nice things that other people have written or said about you.
-
3
-
4
-
5
-
6Make a contribution. Participating in a volunteer organization within your community can be a very positive experience. Making a difference builds your positive opinion of yourself. [12] X Research source
-
7Take time to work through your feelings. A lot of insecurities about other people arise from our self-esteem. Try to separate your feelings from the reality of the situation. This won't be easy because we're typically emotional beings, but try to see the circumstance from an unbiased opinion. You could try different writing exercises to help your ideas flow.
-
8Seek professional help if needed. If you are having a hard time being ignored, there are people who can help. Therapists or school guidance counselors advise people in your position all the time. If you are a student, you may want to try a school guidance counselor first because they won't cost you anything.
Advertisement
-
1Find new, fulfilling friendships . If your friends ignore you or don’t appreciate you, it may be time to seek some new friends. Seek out supportive people who share your interests and lift you up, rather than putting you down or ignoring you.
- If you’re not sure where to find friends, try joining a club or organization for people whose interests are similar to yours.
- If you have friends who consistently ignore you, put you down, or violate your boundaries, you may need to distance yourself from those people or cut ties with them altogether.
-
2Hold on to the friends and loved ones you have. The friends you had before you started being ignored are probably still your friends. If things feel awkward because you've been more involved with other friends, then just be honest with them.
- Do an activity that you both used to enjoy.
-
3
-
4Keep multiple lines of communication open. The more avenues you have for communication, the better. It can be difficult in today's world to stay on top of all the ways we communicate. Keep a regular scan of your social media sites and your phone for your friends.
-
5Make your contact worthwhile. It is okay to call your friend just to call your friend. Try asking for serious advice or simply share something meaningful that happened to you recently.
-
6Make yourself available. If your friend is going through something, then you should make time for that person. No one likes a one-sided friendship. If you have plans, try to work around them or let your prior obligations know that something important has come up.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Search
-
QuestionHow do I deal with my lady boss who always neglects me but not the others? I even try to greet her, but she seems like she doesn't like me.Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Try to set up a private conversation with her ahead of time. Consider asking about her perspective on your work and if you can improve in certain areas. This may help revel her feelings towards you and can open up the lines of communication towards possible deeper issues that may need to be resolved.
-
QuestionWhat if the person ignoring me is my future sister-in-law? I wish to find time to have a one-on-one conversation with her, but it seems as though she is intentionally avoiding me.Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.I suggest to ask your sibling to set up a time to mutually meet with both of them together for food or coffee. Keep it casual, but inquire about her life and maybe some of her other views. Most likely there will be topics you can inquire further into initially.
-
QuestionHow do you respond to being ignored?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.I'm always a big fan of kindness whenever possible, so remind yourself that the person might just be going through something. Try to provide support without digging deeper or continuing to ask them to respond to you. Instead, say something like, "Maybe you're not up for talking with me right now. I just want to let you know that I'm here and I hope we can connect in the future."
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Video
Tips
- Stay polite and respectful, even if the other person isn't doing the same.Thanks
- Avoid making a scene. No matter how angry or frustrated you may feel, exploding (especially in public) usually worsens the situation. Instead, take a break. Say you need a break or you need some air, and leave.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Some people are so focused on themselves that they don't care about your issues or concerns. You don't want these people in your life anyways!
- Try making more friends by pursuing a new hobby or joining a club.
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/202011/6-ways-not-take-things-personally
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-goal-setting/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/rude-people/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To deal with someone who is ignoring you, you might want to confront them about the situation so it's not weighing on your mind. Try reaching out and asking if something is wrong, and invite them to talk privately. If they agree to talk, stay calm and listen to them as they explain their side of the story so you can figure out if you did something to upset them. If they're being stubborn and refuse to talk to you, try asking a mutual friend to talk to them and find out what's going on. For tips from our reviewer on how to tell if you should just move on, keep reading.
Did this summary help you?
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 927,664 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "I knew the pain I was feeling was related to being ignored/feeling left out, but was stuck trying to understand how to overcome it. I found the boundary setting tip (and explanations on how to do it) to be a good timely reminder and very useful in bringing back my self confidence. Also forgiveness is incredibly powerful. Being able to articulate it means I now understand the next therapy steps I need to take to overcome this, while being patient and loving with myself in the process. Thank you." ..." more
Advertisement
"I knew the pain I was feeling was related to being ignored/feeling left out, but was stuck trying to understand how to overcome it. I found the boundary setting tip (and explanations on how to do it) to be a good timely reminder and very useful in bringing back my self confidence. Also forgiveness is incredibly powerful. Being able to articulate it means I now understand the next therapy steps I need to take to overcome this, while being patient and loving with myself in the process. Thank you."
..."
more
"I opened this page because of the title, but methods 3 and 4 were what I needed to hear. I added this to my Favorites, and renamed it "this is great life advice-more than just the title", so I don't ever delete it. I never write reviews, but wanted to thank you! Good job!"
..."
more
"It helped me realise I was being ignored but because my friend has another friend and wanted to play with them. Thanks to your article now I have a new friend to play with. Thank you very much. Much appreciated."
..."
more
"Thank you so much!! I love the idea of bringing in a 3rd person to help out, especially since I'm autistic and confrontation is really weird for me. Hopefully this works!"
..."
more
"It helped me where it said you just need to move on, you have tried your best and if they still don't forgive or are still ignoring you, then that's their problem."
..."
more
