If you have a passive-aggressive mother, you may feel emotionally neglected and insecure. It's not your fault—you just never really know what to expect from her. Although passive-aggression is much harder to detect than full-on aggression, you can learn to identify it and change the way you react when it happens. Also, dealing with a passive-aggressive mom can be stressful, so get support from loved ones and/or a counselor to cope.
Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Steps
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Spot the behavior when it's happening. Knowing the different “faces” of passive-aggression can help you figure out your mom's behavior and respond accordingly. Most experts agree on a few common ways passive-aggression rears its head: [1] X Research source- Giving the silent treatment.
- Procrastinating and sabotaging things by failing to do tasks or reminding you about something at the last minute.
- Being overly critical or offering masked insults (i.e. a compliment that isn't actually sincere or that precedes a snide comment).
- Behaving in a sulky manner; refusing to smile even in a cheerful environment.
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Remain calm. When dealing with a passive-aggressive, use logic. Never react emotionally. If you show that you are upset or frustrated, your mom might withdraw even further or even add to the existing tension. [2] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- If you must, take a few minutes away from her to clear your head. Call a friend, walk around the block, or play with your pet. Return in a calm headspace, so you can figure out the best way to move forward.
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Ignore the behavior if you can. If your mom fails to get attention for her passive-aggression, she may stop. Try acting indifferent about it and see if it changes. [3] X Research source- For example, she offers an insincere compliment like, “That sweater is nice, but the one I bought for you is so much nicer.” Don't call her out about it. Instead, coolly respond with “thanks" and keep doing what you were doing.
- Ignoring probably won't be effective if you are really bothered by the behavior, but it can be helpful for more minor situations like a masked compliment.
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Use “I" statements to assertively explain how the behavior affects you. Confront your mother when she's withdrawn and aloof, not when she's overtly angry. For example, when she's engaging in the silent treatment, be upfront and address it using words that don't make her defensive. [4] X Research source- For instance, you might say, “I feel neglected and ignored when you act like I'm not in the house. I'd like us to discuss problems head-on instead of just ignoring one another.”
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Disengage if she escalates the situation. If your mom denies her behavior or becomes overly angry after you confront her, back off. Do so calmly. [5] X Research source- For instance, if she shouts, “I'm not ignoring you, you're always finding fault with everything I do,” you might simply say “Okay.” Leave the situation and get your own emotions under control before re-attempting the discussion.
- You may even have to tell yourself, “She's being unreasonable right now and I refuse to participate.”
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Make talking a part of your normal routine. A major issue with passive-aggressive people is they don't have effective communication techniques, so they bottle things up and feel resentment. By talking more regularly with your mom— about light and serious topics— you can establish healthier patterns of communicating. [6] X Research source- For example, try asking for her advice on everyday situations, like how to cook something properly.
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Practice active listening . Sometimes, passive aggressive people don't feel like they have a voice. Try being extra attentive to your mom when she's talking. Doing so may help her feel more validated and reduce her passive-aggression. [7] X Research source- When listening, make eye contact, don't interrupt, and try to repeat what she said in a different way afterwards to make sure you understand.
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Surprise her and agree. Since your mom has a negative way of communicating with others, she probably expects you to disagree with everything she says. Shake things up and find a way to agree with her.- For instance, you might say, “You know, I never thought about it that way.” This doesn't mean you agree with her wholeheartedly, but it validates her feelings a little. Therefore, she'll be more likely to lower her guard when interacting with you.
- This strategy can be used when your mom is actively engaging in passive-aggressive behavior and when she's not.
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Ask open-ended questions. If you're trying to build healthy communication with your mom, don't ask closed-ended questions in which she's able to respond with a “yes” or “no” answer, and ultimately shut down. This also prevents you from feeling like you have to pull teeth in order to get her to talk.- For example, instead of saying "Mom, did you like the movie?," say “Mom, what did you think about the movie?”
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Get support from your social circle. Your relationship with your mom may not feel very nurturing, so it's important to get social support from others. This may come from your dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, or other mentors in your community. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source- If you need to talk, reach out to these people to vent about your mom or get practical advice for dealing with her passive-aggressive behavior.
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Develop a journaling habit to release your frustration. Become more aware of your own anger that stems from your mother's behavior. Start a daily journal practice of writing down what you're feeling. Periodically re-read your entries to look for recurring patterns and brainstorm solutions. [9] X Research source- For instance, brainstorming solutions might include noticing that you and your mom usually bump heads whenever you're feeling tired. To fix the problem, keep those interactions short and sweet. Excuse yourself and go to your room rather than trying to reason with her when you're already exhausted.
- Put your journal in a safe place where your mother can't find it and read it. Some good places might be under your mattress, behind other books in a bookcase, or in your closet.
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Perform self-care regularly. Take good care of yourself by doing activities that promote wellness, like eating well and exercising. Also, try mindfulness meditation to learn how to sit with your anger or frustration and keep stress at bay with yoga or deep breathing . [10] X Research source- You might also do special activities just for you, such as coloring, listening to your favorite music, or cuddling with a special someone .
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See a counselor . Work through your thoughts and feelings with a professional. A counselor can help you heal from emotional neglect and even teach useful skills like assertiveness training, so you can better interact with your mother. [11] X Research source- If you think she's up for it, you might invite your mom to a counseling session at some point, too.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are the characteristics of a passive-aggressive person?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).They tend to not communicate in a direct manner. They circumvent directness through various subtle, and not so subtle, manipulative ways. Instead of saying "no" to something, they may go on about how the situation isn't ideal until you change the plan.
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QuestionHow do you deal with a passive-aggressive person?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).They are not fun to deal with. Don't feed into the manipulation or indirectness. Make "I" statements and be clear in your own communication, requests, and responses. For example, "I really want to go to that movie, so I could go alone or with someone else if you don't want to go."
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QuestionWhat causes passive-aggressive behavior?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).Often it is learned. Some families handle disagreements in indirect ways so passive-aggressiveness is used outside of the home as well because that's what they are familiar with. However, the behavior is not productive.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201611/5-signs-youre-dealing-passive-aggressive-person
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_passive_aggression_from_ruining_your_relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201611/5-signs-youre-dealing-passive-aggressive-person
- ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201107/4-strategies-effectively-confront-passive-aggressive-behavior
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/6-tips-dealing-passive-aggressive-people
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/stop-being-passive-aggressive-behavior-signs-_n_5515877.html
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3672352/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201507/writing-your-way-through-emotional-pain
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