How Often Should Friends with Benefits Talk?

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Setting boundaries with your FWB—and what it means if they keep blowing up your phone
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“Bum chum,” “bit of crumpet,” “casual sex partner,” “friend with benefits”—whatever you call it, it’s a complex relationship to navigate. While a no-strings-attached relationship might be simple when it comes to knocking boots with a stranger, how do you properly manage a sexual dynamic with a friend without crossing into inappropriate couply territory? How often do you talk? Is once a week too infrequent? Is every day too much? There’s no perfect answer, as different scenarios require different solutions. Read on to learn how often you should talk to your friend with benefits, why it matters, and what it means if your fun buddy texts you on the regular.

Things You Should Know

  • Exactly how often to talk to a friend with benefits depends on the needs of the parties involved. Some may talk every day, but others might only talk when hooking up.
  • As a general rule, maintain emotional distance from your friend with benefits. Talking often can increase intimacy, which may compromise the relationship.
  • If your FWB is talking to you every day, it could mean they are falling for you, that they want to be better friends, or that they want to string you along.
  • It's important to define the terms of the relationship from the beginning. Make sure to communicate exactly what your hopes and expectations are in different aspects of the relationship.
Section 1 of 6:

Why does it matter?

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    The goal of a friends with benefits relationship is for both parties to remain emotionally unattached, and how often you see one another or talk sets the stage for how close you two will be in your casual dynamic, especially if your conversation is deep or vulnerable. Although sex between friends can seem fairly innocuous, sometimes strong feelings of attachment can develop between one or both partners. It’s important not to harbor any illusions about a future with your FWB: a casual relationship could end at any moment, and that’s OK. [1]
    • A successful FWB requires that all parties involved take frequent stock of their emotions, needs, and expectations.
    • While some folks can talk daily without getting emotionally attached, other people may find it hard not to become attached unless they minimize interactions.
    • Is it bad if you get attached? Not necessarily: there are plenty of couples who go from a no-strings-attached relationship to a committed romance.
    • But it’s also very common for one party in a FWB scenario to become attached—while the other doesn’t. Essentially, FWB is emotional Russian roulette.
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    Some people believe that having a FWB is less complicated than a significant other, but, as almost every romcom ever has taught us, relationships can get sticky whether there are strings attached or not. A FWB relationship takes just as much communication and respect as a committed relationship, as properly managing your boundaries is essential to the success of the situationship. [2]
    • In fact, going into a FWB relationship blindly assuming it will be easier than a serious partnership is likely to make it even messier!
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Section 2 of 6:

How often should we talk?

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    Just as every committed relationship is different, so too is every casual sex relationship unique. The general rule of thumb for FWB situations is to maintain emotional distance so as to avoid becoming invested in the relationship, but what exactly that looks like for you and your bum chum is up to you. Just make sure you talk about it, communicate needs and expectations (which may be ever-shifting), and establish ground rules before getting involved (or if you’re already involved, set up those ground rules ASAP). [3]
    • If you and your sex pal weren’t really friends before hooking up, it’s best to keep it that way: don’t mix your friend groups, don’t hang out outside of your hookups, and only speak when you’re meeting up to do the devil’s dance.
    • Communicate with your FWB just how often you plan to interact, and be realistic about the future: if a FWB relationship goes according to plan, you will have no (romantic) future together.
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    While it may take more effort to maintain boundaries when hooking up with close friends rather than with acquaintances or someone fresh off an app, best buds or roommates do sometimes develop into sexual relationships, and they sometimes make a FWB relationship work. If you were pals before you started up a sexual relationship, you may already be talking or hanging out on the reg, especially if you move in the same social circles or live together. [4]
    • When you’re hooking up with a good friend, prioritize friendship over sex. Hanging out just to hook up may convey that sex has become the priority, so regular non-sexual hangs might be essential to maintaining the friendship after you’ve stopped sleeping together. [5]
    • Once you’ve entered the FWB realm, set strict boundaries with your bud about how often you can interact (and about what). [6]
    • Some close friends can easily add sex to their relationship without it affecting the friendship. For others, sex can blur the lines between a friendship and a committed relationship.
    • That being said, if you’re considering starting up a casual relationship with a close friend or someone you share a social circle with, think long and hard about that. (Tinder exists for a reason.)
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    Whether you and your FWB are close pals who see each other every day or you met via a dating app and see each other once or twice a month, one of the major differences between a committed relationship and a casual relationship is obligation. The point of a FWB relationship is that you are not expected to see your partner on a regular basis—but that doesn’t mean you can’t. [7]
    • While regularly hanging out with your significant other is a priority (and you would likely be hurt if they didn’t want to), in a FWB situation, there should be no pressure to see one another more often than either of you is comfortable with.
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Section 3 of 6:

What can we talk about?

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    What friends with benefits talk about is just as important as how often they talk. Even if you and your FWB see each other every day, you may find it easier to minimize emotional attachment by keeping your conversations shallow and about mundane topics. This might mean avoiding emotionally vulnerable topics like family, work stress, or what have you. [8]
    • Set ground rules with your FWB regarding what you can and cannot talk about. It’s not inherently wrong to rely on your FWB for emotional support, but ask yourself at what point emotional reliance (plus sex) turns into a relationship.
Section 4 of 6:

Why does my FWB want to talk so much?

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    If your FWB is texting you every day—especially if they didn’t before you started hooking up—it could be a sign they’re becoming emotionally attached. It's paramount to have occasional check-ins with your FWB to see where they’re at emotionally (and to tell them where you're at). FWB relationships can’t succeed if the involved parties have mismatched expectations or desires. [9]
    • It’s common to develop romantic feelings after you’ve begun hooking up with someone, even if you weren’t interested before. But do yourself a favor and don’t try to make a FWB relationship happen with someone you know you’d like to date—it’s bound to backfire. [10]
    • If your FWB has developed romantic feelings, be gentle and don’t judge them—but stop hooking up.
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    They could be bored or lonely—hey, they’re human. If you didn’t begin as friends, they may feel that they can confide in you now that you’re hooking up—and it could be totally platonic. Just make sure you put those boundaries in place regarding how often you’d like to talk, and let them know if you get uncomfortable with how much you’re talking. [11]
    • Just as it’s not uncommon for a friendship to become a FWB relationship, it’s also not unheard of for friends with benefits to stop having sex and just be friends.
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    Ugh. The worst. If your FWB is talking to you all the time, they might be trying to pique your interest and string you along. They may feel validated by your attention (even if they have no romantic inclinations themselves). If your FWB is playing games, it’s time to end the relationship. [12]
    • Signs your FWB might be playing games are if they text you a lot and then ghost for a while, or if they seem to be going out of their way to give you a little attention every day.
    • A FWB who’s playing games might also overshare about their other hookups or their love life with the seeming intent to make you jealous.
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    As we said, some people (understandably) assume FWB relationships are naturally less complicated than committed relationships, and your FWB might be one of those people. They might be texting you…just because! But casual relationships demand a great deal of self-awareness and—not to beat a dead horse—communication in order to succeed. If your FWB is acting in ways that make you question the dynamic, reach out to them and see what’s up. You may both need to communicate your expectations more clearly. [13]
    • All relationships, whether committed or casual, require respect, tact, and forthrightness. Even if your FWB doesn’t think talking every day is a big deal, if they’re a good FWB, they’ll understand and respect your concerns.
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Section 5 of 6:

How do I know if we're more than FWB?

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    If your FWB is your go-to when you have a bad day or when you want to celebrate a big win, think long and hard about what the difference would be if you were dating—and what it would mean to you to lose this dynamic once your FWB situation dissolves. [14]
    • Some emotional reliance isn't necessarily a red flag, especially if you were already close friends prior to hooking up.
    • But if you're overly reliant on your FWB or vice versa, it's definitely time to have a conversation about boundaries to ensure neither of you gets hurt.
    • Again, some FWB situations do evolve into committed relationships, but you should never count on this. Keep checking in with your friend and with yourself to ensure you're both on the same page.
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    Some FWB do brunch together or attend the occasional party together, especially if they were already close prior to hooking up. But if you and your FWB are making increasingly bigger and more involved plans, such as getting tickets to a concert 6 months from now or going on vacation together, rethink your dynamic. [15]
    • It might be really fun to do these things with your FWB. After all, you like them—that's why you're hooking up!
    • But ask yourself if you're using your FWB as a stand-in for a real relationship. If so, you could be in danger of getting too emotionally involved in a romance that isn't meant to last.
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    Touching outside of a sexual context and calling each other "babe" could be symptomatic of burgeoning emotional attachment. If you and your FWB are engaging in lovey-dovey interactions, it's time to ask them directly what this means for your relationship. [16]
    • If you and your FWB were already close friends, being physically affectionate outside of sex may not be a big deal. Still, it's worth checking in with them to make sure it's all platonic.
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    Take "meet-ups" to mean hangouts or just a romp in the hay. Would you feel miffed if your FWB didn't want to see you, or would you let it roll off your back? Expecting regular interaction with your FWB is a sign you might be a tad over-committed. [17]
    • In the same vein, do you feel compelled to share your plans with your FWB when they don't involve them, as you might when you're in a committed relationship? That could be a sign you're overly involved with your FWB.
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    Possessiveness is a sign that the FWB relationships is getting a wee bit messy. It's human to feel a little jealousy or insecurity when a FWB wants to break things off or hook up with someone else, but if your fun buddy seeing another person would leave you heartbroken, it's a sign you need to reevaluate your expectations. [18]
    • It's fine for FWB to see multiple people at once, as long as they are up front with one another about it (and as long as they stay on top of their STI testing).
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Section 6 of 6:

How do I set boundaries?

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    If you're uncomfortable with how often your FWB is reaching out to you, if you're not sure what their motives might be for talking to you so much, or if you're starting to feel some emotional attachment yourself, ask them if you can chat about it. See what they're feeling and let them know what your needs and expectations are. Reassure them you care about them and want to make sure things are going well for both of you. [19]
    • Set ground rules regarding your preferred communication style: text only? No hangouts? Once a week? Once a month? Every day? Whatever makes you both feel comfortable is the right answer.
    • Remember that your needs may shift again over time. You and your FWB will likely need to check in with one another regularly throughout your relationship to ensure you're both on the same page and neither of you is feeling uncomfortable or getting emotionally attached.
    • "Hey Dan, I'm really enjoying our situation, but I wanted to check and see how everything is going just to make sure we're still on the same page."
    • "Hi Martha! Just wanted to check in with you re: our FWB situation. Maybe brunch tomorrow?"
    • "Hey Jo, you up for a chat? Just feels like we've been talking a lot more lately, so I wanted to reach out and see where you're at with this whole FWB thing! I really care about our friendship, so I want to make sure that's protected at all costs."

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What are the rules of FWB?
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    The rules are between the two of you! For example, even if you and your friend are open to dating other people, you might have a rule like "We don't date each other's friends or each other's exes." It's also important to prioritize clarity and honesty about what you want in the future. From a physical standpoint, make sure that both you and your friend are always practicing safe sex to prevent the spread of STDs.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201212/friends-benefits-four-rules-avoid-heartbreak
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201212/friends-benefits-four-rules-avoid-heartbreak
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201212/friends-benefits-four-rules-avoid-heartbreak
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202007/the-pros-and-cons-being-friends-benefits
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202007/the-pros-and-cons-being-friends-benefits
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200607/friends-benefits
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201212/friends-benefits-four-rules-avoid-heartbreak
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201212/friends-benefits-four-rules-avoid-heartbreak
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202305/3-ways-to-crack-the-friends-with-benefits-code
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202305/3-ways-to-crack-the-friends-with-benefits-code
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/open-gently/201902/how-do-friends-benefits
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/open-gently/201902/how-do-friends-benefits
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/open-gently/201902/how-do-friends-benefits
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202306/what-happens-to-friends-with-benefits-over-time
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202306/what-happens-to-friends-with-benefits-over-time
      10. ↑ https://www.csueastbay.edu/el/files/docs/publications/arriaza-friends-with-benefits-and.pdf

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