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What to say to break things off (and when to know it's time)
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If you're in a situationship but just don't feel like it's right for you anymore, you're in the right place. Whether you two just aren't on the same page or you're not getting your needs met, we'll explain how to end things. We talked to dating coach John Keegan to get the low-down on situationships, how to tell when they've run their course, and what to say when you're ready to move on.
Ending a Situationship
Tell your situationship partner that you're ready to end things. Be clear, direct, honest, and kind by explaining that the situationship is no longer working for you: "I've enjoyed spending time with you but I think this has run its course. We want different things and it's not fair to either of us to keep doing this."
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Breaking Off a Situationship
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1Choose a calm, private setting to end things face to face. If you have questions for your situationship partner or want some closure, having a face-to-face conversation is probably the best choice. Try to find a neutral spot where you can both be comfortable and where you won't have to worry about getting disrupted or fielding a lot of distractions. This signals that you're taking the conversation seriously. [1] X Research source
- If the two of you are more casual, you might not feel like this is necessary. When that's the case, a text is fine—just use your best judgment.
- Saying something is usually the better than ghosting, though. Even though your relationship might have been undefined, that's no reason to leave the ending undefined as well.
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2Use "I" statements to tell your partner how you feel. When you use "I" statements , you take ownership of your own feelings instead of blaming your situationship partner for them. This helps your partner feel less attacked and less likely to go on the defensive. The two of you can have a calm, respectful conversation that doesn't escalate into something ugly. [2] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I have really enjoyed our time together and I believe I am ready to explore another level of commitment with you, but I don't think you're ready to take that step yet. Is that accurate?"
- If you're ending things over text, keep it simple. For example, you might say, "I've really enjoyed spending time with you but I think our situation has run its course. We want different things and it's not fair to either of us to keep doing this."
- If you want to pump the brakes because you think your partner might have started catching feelings for you, you might say, "I have really enjoyed our time together, but I'm not ready to take this relationship to the next level. If that's something you want, it would be really unfair for me to continue things between us under these circumstances."
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3Listen to what your partner has to say about their feelings. After you've said your piece, your situationship partner might have things they want or need to say. When you listen actively , you show them that you respect them and validate their feelings . [3] X Research source
- Keep in mind that, most likely, your situationship partner won't agree with you. There wouldn't be any need to have this awkward conversation if they did.
- At the same time, though, it's certainly possible that they've been feeling the same way as you have and were just trying to hide it. There's only one way to know for sure!
- If you're ending things over text, let them know that you're open to having a more involved conversation if they want to. For example, you might say, "If you want to meet for coffee and talk about this more, I'm open to that."
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4Express your decision clearly and firmly. If you've decided that you want to end the situationship, make sure your partner knows that. If you simply ghost them, they'll likely wonder what happened or if they did something wrong. When the situationship is no longer serving your needs, it's time for it to go—and you both deserve to have some closure on that. [4] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, if you've decided that you no longer want to have any contact with them, you might say, "I feel as though our relationship has run its course, but I've enjoyed my time with you. I wish you nothing but the best." And just leave it at that.
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5Set clear boundaries regarding any future contact. Situationships are typically characterized by a lack of boundaries. So, if you don't want any further issues with your situationship partner, it's a good idea to set those boundaries now. What those boundaries are will depend on how the two of you have decided your relationship will look going forward. [5] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, if you've decided that you want to end the situationship but still want to remain friends, you might set a boundary that you won't go over to their house alone late at night.
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6Take a step back and focus on self-care. Be compassionate to yourself if you find yourself thinking you don't have a right to feel bad because the two of you weren't even dating. You had a close connection and the lack of definition in the relationship is part of what makes it so tough to get over. Turn your focus inward and do things to take care of yourself and get yourself ready for the next phase of your life. [6] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- It's okay if you feel the need to take a couple of days, or even a couple of weeks, away from dating, putting yourself out there, or even being very social in general. This is a good time to nurture yourself with plenty of love, gentleness, and kindness.
- Keegan emphasizes that "it's a loss just like all losses, just like when you lose a committed relationship. Nonetheless, it's a loss. And it's really important to honor that."
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7Seek support if you need it. Ending a situationship can hurt just as much as a regular breakup—the problem is you often don't have the support you need. You might have friends who didn't even know about the relationship, which can make it hard for them to understand how to comfort and support you now. Your most empathetic friends will support you emotionally, even if they don't quite understand how you feel or what your situationship partner meant to you. [7] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Situationships often involve a lot of idealization. If you've caught feelings for your situationship partner, chances are you believed a "real" relationship between the two of you would be perfect, if only you could just get it off the ground.
- During this time, remind yourself that your feelings are real and legitimate and you have every right to feel them. Acknowledge that you're grieving a loss, even if in this case it's more of a loss of what might've been.
- Keegan notes that one of the reasons "you can't get over it is because you kind of hoped it would turn into something more or at least something ongoing. And now that hope is over. So, it's just like, let it go and then go out and meet someone next."
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Section 4 of 4:
Signs You're in a Situationship
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1You haven't met each others' friends or family. Every time you meet up with your situationship partner, it's just the two of you. They don't invite you to hang out with their friends or meet their family—and you don't invite them to meet your friends or family either. Even though you might feel pretty close to them, they're just not integrated into your social world. [15] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- You might also tend to hang out with them on days or nights when the other people you usually hang out with are busy.
- At the same time, it's also possible to be in a situationship with someone who is a part of your social circle, but both of you always insist to anyone who asks that you're "just friends."
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2You only do things with each other when they're convenient. You don't go out on dates for the purpose of hanging out with each other and getting to know each other. They'll stop by your place if they happen to be in the neighborhood, or call you because they're just leaving a restaurant on your side of town. [16] X Research source
- Neither of you really goes out of your way to hang out with each other either. If something comes up or if it seems like it would be even the slightest bit troublesome, you'll just call it off.
- It's also likely that the situationship itself started out of convenience. For example, you might start a situationship with a coworker who you always join for happy hour at a local pub.
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3You don't have pet names for each other or do "coupley" things. Not having any of the romantic trappings of a committed relationship is one of the hallmarks of a situationship. You just don't have much with the person that's unique to the two of you as a couple—there's no song you call "our song," no cutesy little in-jokes, no "our restaurant" or "our bar." The two of you just aren't in a place where you're attaching significance to things. [17] X Research source
- A part of this is because you don't go on actual dates. You might meet up somewhere and hang out or go as a plus-1 with each other, but there's never any emphasis on wooing or impressing each other on these occasions.
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4You don't communicate with each other regularly. You text them randomly and they text you randomly as well. There's never any expectation that you'll hear from them at any particular time or at all. You wouldn't think it was weird if you didn't hear from them for several days or even several weeks. [18] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- This inconsistent communication is part of the reason that most people end a situationship by simply ghosting the other person. Once they've decided they're done, they simply stop calling or responding to calls or texts.
- Sometimes this might not even be a conscious act of ghosting. It could simply be that one person stops texting the other and doesn't think to text again (and the other does the same).
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5You don't know if you're exclusive. A situationship is typically characterized by a lack of commitment—and you might not even know if your situationship partner is seeing anybody else because the two of you simply never talk about it. You might not be seeing anybody else, but not because of any clear agreement between the two of you that you were exclusive. [19] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- It could also be that one of you has brought up the concept before and the other responded negatively or changed the subject.
- Frequently, people who start situationships tell each other from the outset that they're either not ready for or aren't looking for a serious relationship. This sets up a lack of commitment as a sort of default for the relationship.
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6You haven't had the "relationship talk." You'll sometimes see it called the "DTR" ("Define the Relationship") talk—the talk where you decide what the two of you are really and what boundaries you're going to attach to that. It doesn't necessarily matter what those boundaries are—the important part is that they're clearly defined and you both know where you stand in your relationship with each other. [20] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, if you aren't seeing anyone and your partner isn't seeing anyone either, but you've also never talked about whether it's okay to see other people, you're likely in a situationship.
- If you find yourself wondering if your partner would care if you did something and then realizing the two of you have never discussed it, that's also a good sign you're in a situationship.
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7You never talk about the future together. When you're not talking about doing things together in the future, that typically means that you don't see yourselves together in the future. If you don't see the two of you together as a couple as well as being two distinct individuals, you're likely in a situationship. [21] X Research source
- If you do talk about doing things together in the future, it's likely just a vague mention without making any actual plans. For example, you might say, "We should go bowling sometime," as the two of you pass by a bowling alley.
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How Do You Turn a Situationship Into a Relationship?
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References
- ↑ https://www.adultist.org/posts/conversation-starters-for-when-youre-ready-to-define-the-relationship-dtr
- ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jhunewsletter.com/article/2019/02/learning-to-survive-the-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/school/mville/5-signs-you-re-situationship/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://www.jhunewsletter.com/article/2019/02/learning-to-survive-the-situationship
- ↑ https://theconversation.com/stuck-in-a-talking-stage-or-situationship-how-young-people-can-get-more-out-of-modern-love-200914
- ↑ https://theconversation.com/stuck-in-a-talking-stage-or-situationship-how-young-people-can-get-more-out-of-modern-love-200914
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://www.theodysseyonline.com/11-signs-youre-in-situationship
- ↑ https://www.theodysseyonline.com/11-signs-youre-in-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
- ↑ https://www.theodysseyonline.com/11-signs-youre-in-situationship
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