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Plus, how to talk to your partner and try to repair your relationship
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If you recently cheated on your partner and now feel guilty, you're not alone. You betrayed someone you love—it's only natural to feel bad about that. But you can overcome that guilt, learn from the situation, and move on to live a happy and healthy life. We talked to marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson and licensed psychologist Catherine Boswell to learn how you can overcome your guilt after cheating and make amends with your partner.
Dealing with Guilt after Cheating
- End the affair immediately so that you aren't continuing to cheat.
- Confess to your partner and ask their forgiveness.
- Seek support from multiple sources including a couples counselor.
- Use journaling to process your emotions.
- Try meditation to learn how to let go of the past.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Getting Over the Guilt of Cheating
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End the affair immediately, if you haven't already. The only way to begin the process of overcoming your guilt from cheating is to first stop cheating. That means cutting all ties with the person you were having an affair with. [1] X Research source
- Continuing any sort of relationship with the person you had an affair with can spell trouble for your primary relationship. For example, if the two of you were friends before, it's probably best if you don't try to continue a friendship after.
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Confess to your partner, if you haven't already. You're feeling guilty because you know that you've been dishonest to your partner and violated their trust in you—and it probably feels even worse if they have no idea. Simply by being honest with them, you'll feel a weight start to lift from your shoulders. [2] X Research source
- If you're avoiding telling your partner because you're trying to hold on to the relationship, you're not doing either of you any favors. As long as you don't tell your partner what you've done, you're continuously lying to them about it every time you see them, which only adds to your guilt.
- Keep in mind there's no guarantee that your partner will want to work things out with you or continue to be with you. The best thing you can do is listen to them and validate their feelings.
- You might have a good reason not to tell your partner. If your partner is violent or abusive, you're probably better off leaving the relationship.
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Get the advice of someone you trust. Reach out to a close friend or family member to get their take on how you should move forward. You might look for someone older or someone who's been through a similar situation before. Explain exactly what happened and ask for their feedback. [3] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I made a huge mistake and ended up cheating. I feel terrible about it now and don't want to ruin my relationship. I know you've been in my shoes before—what should I do?"
- Avoid friends who might be overly judgmental about you hurting your partner or who would feel guilty about keeping what you tell them a secret.
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Join an online or local support group. The people in support groups for cheaters are all people who feel just like you—they cheated, later came to regret it, and are now trying to overcome the guilt and shame. Because they understand exactly what you're going through, they can be great support in helping you overcome your own guilt. [4] X Research source
- Guilt often intensifies when you put up walls and isolate from others. By opening up to people who can relate to your situation, you can work to overcome guilt. [5] X Research source
- Ratson notes that "guilt is an important feeling. It is the appropriate feeling to have when we have deliberately done something hurtful or harmful to another. Guilt allows us to correct our way toward a better more ethical way of living," Ratson continues. "This is why it is very important to process feelings of guilt and recognize if it's constructive."
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Talk to a therapist to uncover the reasons you cheated. A therapist can help you dig down and identify the root need that wasn't being met for you and triggered your urge to cheat. By addressing that need, you'll hopefully not feel the urge to cheat again. Look for a therapist in your area who specializes in relationship issues, specifically cheating. [6] X Research source
- If this isn't the first time you've cheated, your guilt might be compounded. By uncovering the underlying cause, you can start to lay those other affairs to rest as well.
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistInfidelity reveals underlying issues. "The ‘symptom’ theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person."
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Seek spiritual counseling and advice. A spiritual leader or advisor who practices within your belief system can provide spiritual healing for you that you might not be able to get with a therapist. They might also have rituals that will help you feel more closure, such as prayer, meditation, or fasting.
- Spiritual counselors often offer counseling both for individuals and for couples, if you want to continue to meet with them with your partner.
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Treat yourself with compassion. Convert your guilt into something more empowering by accepting the fact that you're only human and you make mistakes. You're not the first to cheat—others have stood in your shoes. Recognizing that common thread and that others have overcome their guilt can help lessen yours too. [7] X Research source
- For example, if you start to feel down or beat yourself up, you might softly hug yourself while saying, "I'm only human. I'm not perfect. It's okay. I'm learning and growing."
- Affirming yourself in this way doesn't excuse your wrongdoing—it simply helps alleviate your suffering. You might add, "I did wrong, but I can try to make amends and do better in the future."
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Journal about the experience and your feelings. Keeping a journal can help you unload the painful feelings you're experiencing, ease your guilt, and give you some perspective on the situation. You might even uncover a solution to one of your issues while writing. [8] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source
- Write out what happened chronologically. Retracing the events that led up to the cheating might help you figure out what caused it.
- If you're worried about someone reading what you've written, you might shred the pages or set them on fire. The act of destruction might even help symbolize your attempt to destroy the guilt so that it no longer affects you.
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Perform a ritual to symbolize overcoming your guilt. Different spiritual traditions have rituals related to spiritual healing, forgiveness, and acceptance that can help you overcome guilt. You can also make up your own ritual! As long as you take it seriously and it has meaning for you, it can have a pretty big impact on your ability to overcome your guilt.
- For example, you might take something that symbolizes the affair and bury it to symbolize putting the past behind you and moving on with your life. [9] X Research source
- This ritual might be more meaningful if you get your partner involved—especially if they've recommitted to a relationship with you. Their forgiveness will go a long way towards helping you overcome your guilt.
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Focus on the present and the future. When you become overwhelmed with guilt over cheating, it can feel as though you're being held hostage by the past. If you start a meditation practice , you'll gain tools that enable you to break the hold the past has on you and move forward. When you're no longer dwelling in the past, you'll feel a lot less guilty. [10] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- Meditation also gives you mindfulness techniques that allow you to stop guilty feelings in their tracks when they emerge.
- When you start thinking about the past, ask yourself "What now?" Shift your focus gently back into the present and think about what you can do in this very minute that will make you feel better about the situation.
- Boswell advises that if you want to overcome guilt and "begin healing, fast-forward to here-and-now and connect the dots. Remember and remind yourself that you are no longer required to play that part."
- This can also help you uncover some of the deep-seated reasons for your cheating, which can also ease your guilt.
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Commit to fidelity and honesty from now on. Your relationship requires a strong recommitment if you intend to repair things between you and your partner. Let them know that you intend to be 100% open and transparent with them at all times. Give them the opportunity to check up on you and see that you're doing what you say you are. [11] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Have patience with your partner—realize it will likely take them some time before they can fully trust you. But don't let them abuse or mistreat you just because you did them wrong.
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Identify the lesson you need to learn from the situation. Reflect on how the cheating happened to identify the triggers that set you off on that path. Once you know those triggers, you can figure out how to disrupt the behavioral and thought patterns that bring about the urge to cheat. [12] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, maybe you felt alienated from your partner so you started talking about your relationship with a coworker and ended up having an affair. Now you know you should talk to your partner about that feeling when it first comes up.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1068 wikiHow readers who’ve accidentally hurt someone they care about, and 56% of them agreed that the most important thing they learned is to be more careful with their actions . [Take Poll]
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Attend counseling with your partner. If you and your partner are hoping to repair your relationship, couples counseling is essential. A counselor can help revive your relationship by facilitating better communication, suggesting ways to add more spontaneity to your life, and even enhancing sexual intimacy. As your relationship gets better, you'll find yourself feeling less guilty. [13] X Research source
- Couples counseling also gives both of you a better understanding of yourselves as well as healthier and more effective communication strategies you can use to strengthen your relationship.
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Have patience with yourself. Guilt tends to lessen with the passage of time, especially if you're taking active control of your life and working to become a better person. It can get frustrating when you feel like you've done everything you need to do and you still feel guilty, but gently reassure yourself that it's lessening every day. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, you might think back to how you felt just after you confessed to your spouse that you were cheating and compare that to how you feel now. That can help you see how the feeling fades.
- Boswell emphasizes that "forgiving yourself is another important practice. If you would let a friend off the hook for the same thing you're feeling guilty about, then why not let yourself off the hook?"
- Avoid negative coping strategies, such as drugs and alcohol, which can lead to depression, addiction, and other issues. If you find yourself withdrawing from others or seeking escape through vices, talk to a mental health professional.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy do people have emotional affairs?Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.In many cases, people have emotional affairs because they aren't getting what they need in the relationship. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but it often occurs because a partner isn't physically or geographically present.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201706/should-you-tell-your-partner-you-cheated
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/5-ways-know-youre-confiding-in-the-right-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/5-ways-know-youre-confiding-in-the-right-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201308/guilt-after-betrayal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201308/guilt-after-betrayal
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contentid=4552&contenttypeid=1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/suffer-the-children/201309/after-the-infidelity-can-counseling-help
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-meditate-for-beginners/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/suffer-the-children/201309/after-the-infidelity-can-counseling-help
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/suffer-the-children/201309/after-the-infidelity-can-counseling-help
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202205/the-steps-can-repair-relationship-after-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202205/the-steps-can-repair-relationship-after-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
About This Article
Article Summary
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Overcoming your guilt after cheating can be a difficult process, but start by breaking things off with the other person and stopping all contact with them. You should also commit to never cheating again so you can move forward with your life. In addition to drawing a line under your infidelity, decide whether it’s right to confess to your partner, since continuing to lie can make things worse. However, don’t tell them just to get get rid of your guilt, since this won’t necessarily work. If you’re feeling depressed or overwhelmed, try writing your feelings down in a journal, which will help you to make sense of your emotions. You can also talk to a therapist or join a support group to help you work through your emotions. For more tips, including how to learn from your mistake and understand where you went wrong, read on!
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