How to Get Revenge on Your Ex Boyfriend After a Breakup

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And how to deal with the desire for payback
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Breakups are painful, especially if your ex really hurt you. You might think that nothing will make you feel better except getting revenge on your ex-boyfriend, and while payback sounds fun in theory, it often makes you feel worse about the situation afterward! Remember: the best revenge is showing that you don't need him, after all. Keep reading for our advice for getting over a breakup, including ways to overcome your desire for payback, so you can begin to heal.

How to Get Revenge on Your Ex by Living Well

  • Focus on yourself by finding new hobbies and things that interest you.
  • Go out with your friends, meet new people and spend time with your loved ones.
  • Avoid talking about him so he’ll think that you’ve gotten over him.
  • Take a break from social media so he doesn’t have access from you.
Section 1 of 2:

Moving on from the Breakup

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  1. After a breakup, it’s normal to want to curl up and cry. That's not only OK, it's healthy. A breakup is, in many ways, like a death, and grieving is normal. But if you're spending all your time alone in your room, it'll help to get out and see some supportive friends who can help you feel less isolated and get back to your regular life. Invite your friends to do a fun activity and live it up. Then, post photos of yourself having fun so everyone knows you’re living your best life.
    • For example, go rollerskating, go bowling, play mini-golf, audition for community theater, host a game night, get drinks, or sing karaoke.
    • Psychologist Dr. Julia Yacoob says that when it comes to recovering from a breakup, everyone has a different approach. Do what’s going to be the most healing thing for you. That may be spending time with friends, indulging in a new hobby, or spending time alone to mourn. [1]
  2. It's tempting to scroll through your ex's social media and reminisce or wonder what they're up to now, but it may just make you feel worse. If you can’t stop looking at your ex’s social media after the breakup, get off the app. [2] This will give you the proper time and space that you need to process your feelings about the relationship. Your ex also won’t get the satisfaction of seeing you in their likes, comments, or story views.
    • Set limits on your apps or delete them altogether if you are struggling with getting off of social media.
    • To be safe, log out of your social media accounts on your computer, too.
    • Not only will avoiding social media give you more time to heal from the breakup, but blocking or ghosting your ex and refusing to watch his stories will probably drive him crazy.
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  3. Diving into your career can help get revenge on your ex by showing them that you are driven with or without them. Set goals at work like networking with a certain number of people per week or focusing on different aspects of your job that you enjoy. [3]
    • These goals will give you something to look forward to at work and take your focus away from your ex.
  4. Your family and friends can help you process your feelings by talking about your relationship and breakup with you. By serving as a validating outlet, your family and friends can help you regain confidence. [4]
    • Not only will this strengthen your self-confidence, but it will also let your ex know that you’re doing just fine without them.
    • Your friends and family can provide a fresh set of eyes and help you see things that went wrong in your relationship.
  5. A diary or journal gives you a private, nonjudgmental place to vent about your ex. By quietly venting about your feelings, you will make your ex feel like you aren’t thinking about them. Not only that, but you will also be able to see your emotional progress as you grieve the relationship, which can help you gain self-confidence. [5]
    • Journaling also helps reduce stress and anxiety, as it serves as an outlet for negative feelings and emotions.
  6. Dealing with a breakup can make you feel really down, so it might be hard to think positively right now. To help you focus on the bright side, make a list of everything you’re grateful for in your life. Then, consider sharing your gratitude with others by telling your friends and posting about it online. [6]
    • You might post online, “I’m so happy that I’m getting the chance to show my artwork at Good Beans Coffeehouse!” or “Feeling so grateful for my bestie, my pup, and a job I adore.”
  7. Put on your favorite outfit, style your hair, and put on makeup if you wear it. Consider pampering yourself with a manicure or new haircut. Then, snap some photos of yourself looking fabulous and post them online for everyone to see. Additionally, you might ask your friends to go with you as you pass by somewhere you know your ex will be. [7]
    • Don’t worry about changing yourself or trying to improve your looks. You’re already amazing, just focus on feeling your best!
  8. While you’re going through a breakup, it can be hard to spend time alone when you’re used to being a couple. Seize this free time and use it to do something you’ve always wanted to try! Make a list of activities, hobbies, or interests you could try out. Then, start checking off items. [8]
    • For example, try a new restaurant, start painting, learn to play the guitar, or join a recreational sports team.
    • If you have a desire to help others and want to meet people with similar values, volunteer for a cause that means something to you. Help at a soup kitchen, volunteer at an animal shelter, or volunteer at a forest preserve.
    • Hobbies have been proven to benefit your mental health by reducing stress and improving social connection. [9]
  9. Therapy provides you with a safe, nonjudgmental space that lets you speak on your past relationship unfiltered. When talking to a therapist, they will let you feel your feelings and make sure to remain neutral. They will also help you work through any residual feelings so that you can come out of the other end stronger than you were in your previous relationship. [10]
  10. Since this guy hurt you, you probably want to tell everyone what a jerk he is. However, this just shows him that you still care. Instead, don’t mention his name at all. That way everyone will think you’re over him.
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Section 2 of 2:

Dealing with an Urge to Get Revenge

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  1. You’re probably in pain right now, and that’s okay. It’s also understandable that you’d want to get revenge. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel whatever emotions come up, then let them pass. [12]
    • You might tell yourself, “I’m feeling really angry at Seth for breaking up with me so close to Valentine’s Day. I thought he really cared about me. I want him to hurt as much as I do.”

    Tip: You might feel a little guilty for wanting revenge, but there’s no reason to feel that way. It’s totally normal to fantasize about getting revenge.

  2. Usually, thinking about revenge is much more satisfying than actually carrying it out. Picture yourself doing mean things to your ex, like spray painting a mean message on his lawn or burning his favorite shirts. Enjoy the satisfaction of watching him suffer. Then, imagine what might happen if you really did that. [13]
    • Say your ex cheated on you. Picture yourself going to his house and spray painting “cheater” on his car. Then, imagine him having to drive around embarrassed. Then, think about the fallout of actually doing this. Like his mom getting really upset and trying to get you arrested or fined.
  3. You probably feel really upset right now, and you have every right to feel that way. Try not to make any decisions while you’re feeling really emotional. Instead, do something that helps you feel relaxed and in control. [14]
    • For example, go to a yoga class, color in an adult coloring book, go for a nature walk, go window shopping with a friend, or play with your dog.
  4. While you might not want to ever see him again, sometimes expressing your pain to your ex can help you feel better. If you think it could help, ask your ex to talk either in person or on the phone. Then, use “I” statements to tell him how his actions affected you. [15]
    • “I” statements keep the focus on you without blaming the other person. For example, you’d say, “I feel like you don't respect me,” not “You don’t respect me.”
    • You might say, “I feel like you broke my trust, and that really hurts.”

    Variation: If you’re not up for a full conversation, send him a text or email explaining how you feel.

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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can you get over your ex?
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Own the responsibility for something you may have done to bring about the break-up. If possible, try to improve yourself. Have compassion for your ex. Maybe your ex is also suffering because of the break-up.
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    Not Helpful 55 Helpful 13
  • Question
    How can I be more loving to myself?
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It takes time and effort to become loving to yourself. Stop being critical of yourself. Accept your humaneness and your limitations. Be patient and gentle and create a new positive relationship with yourself.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 9 Helpful 15
  • Question
    Is it good to get revenge on an ex?
    Drew Hawkins1
    Community Answer
    While it may seem like a great idea or like it will be satisfying to get revenge on an ex, the truth is, it will make it more difficult for you to move on, and in the end, it doesn't really accomplish anything. If you really want to get back at your ex, try doing it by moving on and being happy without them. Go out with your friends and have lots of fun so they see that you don't miss them. Spend some time on your appearance by going to the gym and eating healthy so you look even better than they remember. The best revenge is to make them regret ever losing you.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • If he's trying to get a rise out of you, don't retaliate. This will show him you're upset and that's what he wants. instead, use a clever comeback and move on to show he's getting nowhere with his actions.
      • Don't waste your time on him. Destroy, give away, or sell anything he's ever given you or anything that reminds you over him. Carry on with your life and be happy with yourself.
      • If you want to make him jealous, try kissing another person in front of him.
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      References

      1. ↑ Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/12/how-to-stay-focused-at-work-after-a-breakup
      4. ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
      5. ↑ https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health-wellness/healtharticle.7-benefits-of-keeping-a-journal
      6. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain
      7. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a2921/revenge-ideas-ex-boyfriend-1108/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201607/how-respond-romantic-rejection-grace
      9. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/mentalhealth/articles/how-hobbies-improve-mental-health
      1. ↑ https://www.counseling.org/publications/counseling-today-magazine/article-archive/article/legacy/counseling-a-broken-heart
      2. ↑ Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a2921/revenge-ideas-ex-boyfriend-1108/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      The best way to get back at your ex is to embrace your new life without him. If he’s the insecure type, it might make him think twice about his behavior if he sees that you’re doing just fine on your own. If you’re still set on getting revenge, stick to things that won’t get you in trouble, like posting an embarrassing picture of him online or accidentally-on-purpose sending him a flirty text meant for another guy. You could also send an anonymous message to his new partner warning them about his bad behavior. If you have the urge to do something really harmful, stop and think about the consequences. Try meditating or doing something else that will help you relax until the urge passes.

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      • Nicholette Marian

        Dec 27, 2018

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