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Everyone deserves a life full of love. If you are autistic, you may find it particularly difficult to overcome shyness, follow the dating norms of neurotypicals, and overcome the social stigma of autism. However, with perseverance and practice, anyone can have a successful dating life and find a happy partnership with someone who understands what autism really is and what it is not and knows that everyone is unique. [1] X Trustworthy Source Austistic Self Advocacy Network Nonprofit organization run by and for individuals on the autism spectrum that empowers autistic people through education and public advocacy Go to source [2] X Research source
Steps
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Meet someone through common interests. One of the simplest way to find potential partners is connecting with people through things you both like to do. This works for both neurotypicals and people on the autistic spectrum. [3] X Research source- One of the main features of people on the autistic spectrum is the "special interest" and it may be either easy or difficult to find somebody that shares your special interest.
- This gives you a built-in conversation starter that is a good foundation for a date.
- Try finding groups doing things you enjoy through websites like Meetup or by taking a local class.
- Think about social activities you already attend. Do you know anyone that you might be interested in developing a relationship?
- Think unconventionally. Social settings don’t have to be physical. Video games, like Minecraft, can be great ways to build community and meet people with similar interests without the pressure of face-to-face first interaction.
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Practice reading neurotypical social cues if the woman you are pursuing is neurotypical. Although, ultimately, you want to find someone who accepts your communication style, initially you may need to learn to flirt and understand how to tell if someone is interested. [4] X Research source- Watch television shows and movies to get an idea of these cues but know that these depictions aren’t always realistic.
- Make or feign eye contact for a few seconds, then break it. Try to notice if she seems to be making eye contact with you, as this may mean she likes you.
- Smile slightly. You should smile at the person you like, but make it a small smile, and turn away after a few seconds.
- Act confident. Even when you’re nervous about whether someone likes you, act like you aren’t nervous at all.
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Find a mentor. Ask a friend, relative, or teacher to help you get ready to date. Pick a friend who has good experience in the dating world. If you're anxious about your conversation skills, you can role-play, or even do a practice date.- Ask your mentor what they look for in a partner. What are you doing that they would find odd on a date? What would they like? Tell them you appreciate their honesty. Appreciate your friends or mentors advice on how to get a girlfriend.
- It might help to keep a notebook of dating tips.
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Consider online dating. When you are autistic, it is often easier to express your feelings in writing than in person. Online dating can be a way to meet like-minded people in an environment that is safe and structured.- Know what you want in a relationship. Are you looking for something casual or long-term? Be clear about this with yourself so you know how to proceed. Different dating sites suit different needs.
- Decide what dating site is best for you. If you want, there are even websites that match up people on the autism spectrum who would be compatible with each other. This can be a good way to ease some of the stress of reading neurotypical dating cues.
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Maintain your appearance. When you start dating, you want to make sure you look your best.- Bathe regularly and trim your hair and facial hair (if you have any).
- Wear clothes that are clean, ironed, and well-fitting. Don't be afraid to ask a fashion-conscious friend or family member to go shopping with you. They can pick out clothes that enhance your unique attractiveness.
"Yes it was helpful, I have problems with men and women. I think I have many autistic traits. I'm on the borderline of the spectrum. My relationships have not been good in my life. Many people have taken advantage of me because I trust people so much." more comments ..." more
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Start subtle. When you first ask someone out on a date, you want to seem casual so that you don’t come across too formally.- Simply say something like “Hey would you like to go see a movie on Saturday?”
- Texting or online chat can be a great way to send your initial invitation. Ask your mentor to look over your message before you send it.
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Plan out the date. This will help ease your nerves, and let you know what to expect on your date.- Don’t feel like you have to pick a typical first date if you don’t want to. [5] X Research source A bar might be too loud, and going to dinner might put too much pressure on small talk.
- Try an activity-based date. For example, if you like to bowl, invite your date to go bowling with you. When there are gaps in the conversation, you’ll be able to talk about your game. If you enjoy art, take her to an art museum. You’ll be able to talk about the art together, and the setting makes a little silence more acceptable. If you find somebody that shares your special interest, try setting up a date that is related to this special interest.
- Write down the plan for your date. Your date will most likely appreciate the initiative you took to plan it all out and find it romantic.
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Let her talk . When you’re on a date, make sure that you let your date talk at least half of the time. As you are listening, nod your head occasionally and interject small statements like “that’s interesting” to let her know that you are actively listening.- Ask open-ended questions, and if you ask yes or no questions, follow up with something open-ended. For example, if you ask, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” and she says, “Yes, two older brothers,” say something like, “Oh, what are they like?”
- When your date asks you questions, don’t be too short with your answers but don’t take over the conversation, either.
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Find out her favorites. See what kinds of things she likes. What are her favorite movies, books, music, or games? What are her hobbies?- After she tells you her favorites, go home and check them out. Listen to her favorite song, or read her favorite book. This will give you a better idea of what she’s like, and give you something to talk about on a second date.
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Accept rejection if it happens. It’s painful, but remember that everyone goes through it at some point in life. Look around at people on the street. Are all of those people your type? Of course not. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with them; they just aren't right for you. Similarly, you might not be right for her, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.- If you are anxious about being rejected, try coming up with a response in advance for rejection, such as saying "Okay, see you around then," and walking away. [6] X Research source
- If you ask someone out online or with a written message, silence usually means "no." Don't respond further.
- Don’t give up after one rejection. Move on to someone else. Dating takes persistence. Being rejected just means that you two were a bad match. It doesn't have anything bad to say about you.
- You might feel vulnerable with non-autistic people or even non-disabled people, especially if you got bullied or have had bad experiences with your peers. It might be difficult for you to choose to date someone else. In the same way, it might be hard for a girl to date a boy if she's had bad experiences with boyfriends in the past, and some girls might feel vulnerable while dating a boy. So, be understanding that a girl might feel vulnerable with you in the same way you might feel vulnerable with your peers.
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Explain your autism . When you feel comfortable, tell her about your disability, and explain how it affects you personally. If you’re dating a neurotypical individual, you’ll need to meet in the middle.- Be prepared for a few awkward questions. Give honest, factual answers.
- Relationships are about both partners seeking to understand each other. Encourage your girlfriend to use online resources such as Autism Acceptance Month, the Autism Women's Network, and WikiHow to find out more about the autism spectrum.
- Show her that you can be an attentive partner, but sometimes social situations take a lot of effort for you.
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Keep boundaries clear. In any relationship, you need to have boundaries, both sexual and nonsexual, and autism can make reading cues like body language difficult. Clearly and non-judgmentally communicate your boundaries to your partner, and ask her to do the same.- Ask your partner to honestly tell you what makes her uncomfortable and what she would like you not to do in the relationship. Likewise, tell your partner what makes you uncomfortable, as she might not be aware that you don’t like a small gesture from her.
- It might help you both to write these things down on a piece of paper or in a message. It can be easier to come up with boundaries in writing, and you’ll have them to refer back to later.
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Give a compassionate response over a pure honest one. When you’re on the autism spectrum, you often value the truth and find it difficult to lie. This can be a good trait, but it may come across as too blunt in certain situations.- Understand when it is best to give a small "white lie" so as to not hurt your partner’s feelings.
- For example, if your girlfriend comes home with a new dress, puts it on, and asks you if it looks good, you should say, “yes,” even if you don’t think so.
- In this situation, don't think of her question so much like she's asking your opinion of her dress, but more like she's happy in that dress and she's inviting you to share in that happiness with her.
- Furthermore, understand that your partner won’t always be blunt with you. This doesn’t mean that you should tolerate blatant lies, but don’t demand that your partner tell you every detail of her life.
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Check in with each other. If you have a difficult time expressing your feelings sometimes, it can be a good idea to have a regular check in session every week. This might be over coffee or dinner.- Try having a set of questions you always ask. This can be a sweet ritual for you as a couple and a good way to plan to stay in touch. It will make you both feel heard and valued.
- An example set of questions could be:
- What is something I did that made you happy this week?
- What is something I did that made you sad this week?
- What is something you would like us to do together next week?
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Make gestures of affection. Consciously think about things you can do to make your girlfriend smile.- Keep a list in your phone of things your girlfriend likes. If she says one day she likes peonies and a specific kind of chocolate, write it down.
- Every so often, check that list on your phone. Go out and buy her peonies and chocolate for no reason at all.
- Fill the list with details, especially at dates such as Valentine's Day (February 14), their birthday, etc.
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Write letters. No matter if you’re on the autism spectrum or not, writing can be a great way to express how you feel to someone.- Your letters can be hard copies or emails.
- Write down the things you like about your partner and let her read those things.
The normal thing is writing letters in longhand. If you don't have a good handwriting, you can write them in a computer. In that case, use a font that's not so formal such as Brush Script or even Comic Sans.
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Comments
- "I'm not autistic, but I have a hard time interacting with people socially. Most dating advice I get is requires all-too-esoteric knowledge of social cues and the like. This article was different; it was specific on what to do." ..." more
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"It's an amazing article and I'd like to meet girls."
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"Very interesting to know about this one!"
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"This really helped me get a girlfriend!"
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Tips
- If you don't know if she's single, you can ask "So are you seeing anyone?" This is a common question that will tell you if she's available and hint that you might like her.
- Be discreet about it, however. You don't want her to think you're stalking her. If you're uncomfortable about asking her directly, try asking some of her friends.
Thanks - Be quick to apologize if you upset her. Explain why you did what you did, and express that you're sorry you hurt her. Ask what you can do to make it up to her and avoid doing it again. This communicates that you care about her, and it's the fastest path to forgiveness.Thanks
- If she responds badly to hearing about your autism, don't take it personally. The problem is her ignorance; you deserve someone who respects who you are.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- "If you ask someone out and she declines, try not to take it personally. Just tell yourself that she wasn't the right one for you and move on. Dating is just like anything else, you will likely fail a few times before you succeed. "
- "For your first date, pick an activity-based date so the focus isn't on making conversation. Wear something comfortable that you love so that you don't feel as self-conscious."
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Warnings
- If you're over 30 years old and never have any girlfriend, then that's not a reason for being branded you as a "repressed homosexual". This is known as prejudging and it's typical only of ignorant people as well as it may imply counterproductive and disastrous consequences such as trying to find desperately a girlfriend in order to tackle possible bullying. This should be avoided at all costs .Thanks
- If she seems disinterested or asks you to back off, then back off without question.
- If you try to ask a girl out, remember that it is not a guarantee that she will accept or that you going to have a girlfriend.
Thanks - Never ever bully any girl. That's very bad. Also, in many countries, this is a crime.Thanks
- Never allow her to take advantage of you .
- Your condition may not allow you to see bad attitudes towards you such as interest and hypocrisy, but any friend you trust completely may point it out to you.
- If you really like that girl but you don’t feel comfortable with her or you don’t feel you can trust her, it is a sign that she might be rude or toxic with you and then she might not be the right person for you.
- Just because girls are more likely to be victims of sexual abuse by guys in relationship doesn’t mean that they can’t be abusive towards you. Although you can have compassion with girls doesn’t mean that you have to accept abusive behaviour in a relationship. Remember, being a girl doesn’t change anything.
- Prevention is better than cure. If you want to avoid that she can take advantage of you or abuse you sexually, you should always say « no » if she asks you out or wants to sleep with you at night. It is just in principle, when you are autistic, you can’t date anybody.
- However, if you still want to be friend with the other, just be friends. Remember that when you say « no » for a date, you are not rejecting her, you just reject the relationship.
Thanks - If a girl already tried to date with you but you feel like she doesn't feel good with the fact of date with you, just ask her to stop thinking about dating with you very gently. You deserve someone who really understand you and who really love you for who you are, autism and all but unfortunately, you cannot be legitimate in a relationship with a girl because you are a guy. **Don't try to convince the girl to date with you, even if she is curious about why you choose to not date with her or she still want to date with you. Just tell her that she needs to stop thinking about that.
- If you think that this girl wants to date with you but you are uncomfortable about the idea of which she knows that you like her, then you should tell her that you do not like her and that she needs to stop thinking about date with you because, it is a sign that she will punish you if you date her instead of loving you for who you are, autism and all.
Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://autisticadvocacy.org/home/about-asan/about-autism/
- ↑ http://www.autismacceptancemonth.com/what-is-autism/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/spectrum-solutions/201410/dating-and-autism-free-tips
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/dating-on-the-autism-spectrum/278340/
- ↑ http://galadarling.com/article/very-definitely-not-dinner-a-movie-50-alternative-first-date-ideas/
- ↑ https://www.carautismroadmap.org/romance-101-dating-for-adults-with-asd/
About This Article
Article Summary
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Getting a girlfriend if you’re autistic may seem hard. However, there are many ways to overcome shyness and use your personality to your advantage. Try to find a girlfriend who is into the same hobbies or interests you like, which will make conversation easier. For example, look for a group online or at your school that focuses on your favorite activity. Give the girl you like a small smile to show you're interested or make brief eye contact with her. Since autistic people often find it easier to explain how they feel in writing, you may have more success by trying online dating. When you meet someone you like, try to be casual when you first ask them out. You might say or write something like, “Hey, would you like to go see a movie on Saturday?”. When you're on a date, let the girl talk around half of the time, like by asking questions about her hobbies or interests. Make brief comments, like “That's interesting,” while she speaks to show you're actively listening. For tips on how to explain your autism to your girlfriend, keep reading!
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